Seeking Moms with Some Advise

Stop ruining her life! Hahahaha, just kidding. According to my 12 year old, I'm ruining her life too.

Try not to take it personally. You shouldn't be her friend, you're her mother. As long as she does what she's asked (even if it's slow), and she does well in school, it's okay. Try to keep the lines of communication open, but don't push it.

Remember, this too shall pass.

of course she talks to grandma more grandma doesnt discipline she is the "good guy"

Hi M., my daughter (23) might have started a little later than 12, but we basically had the same kind of feud going on for quite some time. Anyway, as Julie said, just make sure you keep doing what you're supposed to do, and don't close down the lines of communication between you. She'll hate you for lecturing and discipling her, but she's really listening, and she does need it. BTW, my daughter and I are closer than ever, now that she's on her own. Hang in there.

Hello, Okay, now I am a grandma and I see things a lot different than I used to. This is all very normal, but you don't have to allow disrespect from her. Try giving her something to work for. A special day at a salon or fun times or something she wants. But, make her work for it by doing what you ask and having a good attitude. It is great that she has her grandma to talk to. Some kids have nobody. She can probably tell her grandma anything. I know my grandkids can. I don't judge them, but I am not their parent. If they were doing something unsafe, that would be another thing. She will come around again. You just have to hang in there. Again, this is normal. She is trying to grow up and that is a good thing. If she never questioned you about anything, then she wouldn't be able to stand up for herself as an adult.
Good luck with your precious daughter.
K. K.

You mom could be your greatest ally in your quest to raise a wonderful girl into a woman. Remember that your daughter doesn't want to be so surly, she really almost can't help herself. In order to grow, she has to pull away from you. It doesn't need to be so hard or painful for you if you recognize where it comes from and what her growth process is.

First off, talk things over with your mom so that the two of you are on the same page. Better your daughter has someone trusted to go to when she needs it - particularly someone who can see your side of things too.

Secondly, DETACH with LOVE. Your daughter has to go through her process, but that does not mean she has the right to behave inappropriately! It does mean that you don't have to take her process personally.

Set limits and parameters that are realistic. Choose your battles carefully, placing emphasis on the things that are most important to you - and let the nit-picky stuff slide.

A 12 year old girl is on the cusp, with all kinds of hormones and feelings she doesn't understand. Let her know that you love her. Let your mom know you are grateful for her presence and influence in your daughter's life. Good luck form a mother of two wonderful young women ages 31 and 24!

Ok, hate to tell you this, but if you are doing your mothering job right, you ARE ruining her life. Your reaction to this situation needs to change. Instead of hearing what she is saying, you need to hear her message underneath. When she says 'you are ruining my life, why are you always interferring with my enjoyment, blahblahblah' you need to hear: 'thank you for being interested in my life, thank you for teaching me to care for myself, thank you for setting limits and enforcing them to make sure I can function in the work world...' that sort of thing. Sit down and do a list of the things you want her to do. Then sit down with her and tell her that she gets a certain amount of tv a day/week for doing her chores and if they don't get done, she doesn't get her 'pay'. She will tell you she hates you for the next couple 6 years, but she doesn't. She is just frusterated and crazed from hormones. Limits help, and knowing what is expected help. She will settle down a bit after the first month or so, when you enforce the new policies...
I give you this advice as someone who was just like your daughter. Knowing my mom cared enough to set and enforce limits, no matter what I said or did reassured me that she loved me and was paying attention to what I was doing, that I was important to her.
Good luck!
R.

Don't take it personally. Right now you are the "stupid one with no brains according to your child" Be HAPPY she has someone she feels comfortable enough to confide in and be close.

In all honesty..My main confidant was always my grandmother. My mother never made the "cut" as far as the one who truly was my confidant. I miss my Grandmother so much because she listened to ME.

Try to look beyond being "mom". Love her unconditionally. There is a lot going on with your daughter right now.... hormones, school, etc. Just be there to listen and support her. I am with you right now.... my daughter is almost 16.... thank God she is a good kid but COMMUNICATION in all forms is good. No topics off limits.

Good luck

try being her "friend" in the sense of getting interested in the things that interest her, watch her shows, look at clothes with her, listen to her music.
You still have to be the parent-lay out specific chores and expectations with realistic specific consequences. Make sure what she's watching and how much is appropriate, but share her life with her. She's starting to figure out who she is, learn right along with her, then you'll be there to guide her as well.
Be grateful that Grandma is around for her to confide in, I would just make sure your mom tells your daughter that if there is something that is a real problem or concern that she really needs help with, she will tell you and not keep it a secret. That way it is "safe" confidential but you're still in the loop if there is something big.
Good Luck

Hi M., 12 is a tough age for a girl, no longer a child but not yet a woman. I think it;s a good thing that her and your mom are close, at least she has someone she feels safe, comfortable. I think what you need to do is talk to your mom and find out what she is doing, M. it maybe that your mom just sits and listens to her, not to say you don't, but it is different with grandmothers. As moms we have to make rules discipline, when sometimes all's they need is an ear with no rules not judgement and no bounderies. Hang in there, my daughter is one of my best friends, she's now 21, but with all 3 of my kids I have always allowed then to speak and vent, your daughter will come around. J.

Well, sometimes the dynamic of granddaughter/grandmother is a life saver. I was much closer to my grandmother than my mother too. I loved my mom, but I didnt really like her that much "she didnt get me", Grandma did tho... I miss her so, so much!
You are the mom, but feel blessed that your daughter does have someone that loves her that she can open up to and whom you can trust. Don't be jealous or envious. Your mom can't be all bad, afterall she raised you didnt she?

Sounds like a normal teenager

12 year old daughter? Wow, I thought you were describing my 7 year old son! He is normally fairly good with my mom, and I don't get any complaints about his behavior or attitude when he's over at friend's houses or out with school/scouts. But at home, we fight non-stop over the stupidest things.

I wish I had some sage advice for you, but please just know that you are not alone. I feel for you!

Look at it from a different point of view... Don't you think it's wonderful that your daughter has another adult in her life that she can look up to and get advice from?

Your not alone... Most tweens and teen girls often go thru the stages of constantly fighting and hating their mothers. My girls used to tell me all the time that I was ruining their lives. They've grown out of that stage.

Remember from her point of view, your just mom. You can't possibly understand what its like to be a tween girl and face all the peer pressure, because life was so different during the dinosaur age when you grew up. And of course, during those millions of years you learned absolutely nothing.

Welcome to the world of teens where anything goes. Many parents ask the same questions,
How do I get my teens to talk to me?
How can I get them to help around the house?
How can I help make their school more enjoyable?
How can I get them to be a part of the family?
And the list goes on.
There is no magic answer that will work every time, but I can promise you that LOVE and PATIENCE will work ALL the Time…but it must be consistent.

The mo st important thing is you are the parent, not her friend (let your mom be her friend) you set the guidelines. PRACTICE being the parent you want around your child. If he is doing something you don't like tell her what you DO like. You are the guide, the role model, the final decision.

If your child talks back...you must say, “We don't talk like that in this family. Are you part of this family?”
WHEN your child answers YES then you continue with, “We don't talk like that in this family.” Then redirect the situation. “This family is respectful. This family is kind. This family honors everyone.” There is NO PUNISHMENT, there are only facts. If you let the behaviour go once (and punishing it is letting it go), the child will decide when and where s/he can use that behaviour again. Kids are brilliant. They remember everything! They will remember if the "punishment" was worth the action.
If your child answers NO they don’t want to be / are not a part of your family, then ask them the simple question, “Who’s family are you a part of?” If it looks like an argument then you simple say, “We don’t argue in this family. When you are ready to talk, we will continue this conversation.” It really is a simple as controlling the tone of voice and your responses. (I read a great quote the other day…winners respond, losers react.)

As for TV, get rid of it. If it is a source of arguments in your home, get rid of it. Unplug it, put it in the basement and figure some other way to spend your time.

To get her to help this is the system I teach my families:

In our family we have “responsibilities” we don’t have chores. As a family it is our “responsibility” to ensure our home is clean and safe. That means EVERYONE does everything. We prepare meals together, we do dishes together, we clean house together. DAILY we do a 10 minute tidy every day – we put on 3 - 4 really fun fast songs, we set the time and we each pick a space to “clean” – cupboards, walls, floors, sweeping, dusting, clean out the fridge – whatever – then we just do it – but only for 10 mins. It is fun, fast and every day we get 40 mins of house work in (I have a family of 4). No more struggling to keep the house clean.

On the first of the month the 14 year old receives $200 and the 11 year old gets $100.
25% goes to rent, yes, they both pay rent
25% is kept in cash for necessities – toothpaste, deodorant, clothing, stuff they “need” – I pay for their food (unless they are going out with a group of friends – that comes from them)
10% goes to pay me for their sponsored sister (through World Vision)
10% goes toward education – books, school trips etc.
10% for Long Term Savings – for example my older daughter was saving for a trip with her Teen Group – she saved $800!
10% for Financial Freedom – every month they give me 10% of their income to invest.
10% Play – they can spend it on whatever they want – I can say NOTHING about it.

This teaches them responsibility for their actions and their own money. My 11 year old came home from “hanging at the mall” with her friend and her mom with a bag of new socks. I gave her a funny look and she said, “mom, they were in the clearance bin, they were only $5. 2 months ago when I bought this same pack it was $9! I am going to put them in my closet for school”

Consistent and persistent. That is the answer every time.

B.
Family Success Coach