Confiding in Grown Daughter

My mother has dementia, they're not calling it Alzheimer's yet, maybe another 6 months.

I can't imagine leaning on my (adult) children with this. After all, she's their Grandma, they are struggling, too.

:(

As with anyone else, you ask for her support at the level she feels able to give it.
Mothers confide in the same people everyone else does - friends, family, clergy, counselors/therapists.

With mine and my mothers relationship is very close, we share almost everything. I do not think it is weird, because if she is going through something I would like to know, that way if there is anything i can do I can help her. I know some peoples relationships are different and do not feel comfy talking about some stuff, however we do. She listens to me as i do with her. it does not bother me hearing what she is going through, i feel for her yes, but usually we are able to come up with something that makes her feel better and a way she can get through what she is going through

When our burdens become so heavy that our husbands, friends and children can't provide the ear and support we need it's time to seek outside help.
Get yourself a therapist. This is what they do, they provide an objective and non emotional ear, and they can help you figure out how to handle the emotions that are stressing you out and bringing you down. Please do it, you will feel so much better and so will the people around you!

Looking around at the bazillions of mother-daughter relationships in my life, it's clear they are all different. All the personality blends, all the life circumstances, all different, and we do well to notice and respect those variations.

There are things I will tell my 43yo daughter if she asks, which she does on occasion, but her life is more than full and she has her own challenges. I don't expect her to be someone else. She insists, though, and only half-jokingly, that she'll be there to change my Depends. I hope we're still years away from that situation. =-o

I hope you'll find support among your age peers, neighbors, the clergy or professional counseling. If you're wearing out your current circle, perhaps you are not able to hear or act on the suggestions they make, and that becomes discouraging over time.

I actually think it's wonderful that your daughter knows her emotional limits, and can express those. You will both continue to mature and change, but she may never be the right person to support YOU in the ways you perceive your own needs.

Hi DK,

I don't think there is a 'supposed to be' answer here. Just you, your needs to vent/seek counsel, and your daughter who is feeling like this is too much for her.

My suggestion would be to seek out a therapist. Why? Simply put-- your daughter made a clear boundary, and you want to respect that because that's what she is needing. She is giving you a clear message that she cannot handle it. Unlike a friendship, where there is mutual give and take (hopefully, ideally), this isn't a friendship-- she will always be your daughter and you will always be her mom.

If you can't carry it alone, do find a good counselor. I think that would be the healthy next step. It's burdensome in a friendship to be 'the only one I can talk to' for another person, if that makes sense. It makes the person who *doesn't* want to be the recipient of the woes and troubles of that other person very resentful. They can grow to feel dumped on and that their feelings aren't respected. I'm guessing that you very much don't want to add to the complications in your life by insisting that your daughter do/be for you someone that she has very transparently stated that she doesn't want to be. Yes, when our kids or friends or family are already going through their own 'heavy stuff', we do sometimes shield them from our own heavy stuff out of compassion. Please, find a professional who WANTS to be empathetic and who is emotionally available in the way you are needing. .

Here's the good news: your daughter respects you highly enough to tell you when she can't handle the hard stuff.

I think it's very hard to find a good confidante. I would not pick my own adult daughters (or my sons). They have lives of their own. They can handle their friends' confidences, but the mother-child relationship is still there and it would be hard for them to listen to me.

So who else is there? Is there a support group for people who have parents with Alzheimer's? That sounds like an impersonal solution, but sometimes that's a good thing. You'll have people who don't have a vested interest in you, but can understand where you're coming from in terms of your anxieties. Sometimes you can "unload" on people like this, who will understand, help, and then shrug off what they need to shrug. You would do the same for them.

With my children, I am very careful about what I share that is on the negative side. I'm not going to unload on them.

Just a thought.

I think it's perfectly fine for there to still be some boundaries. Your daughter was comfortable enough to let you know that she wants to maintain some mother-daughter boundaries and I really do think that's appropriate. Some mothers and daughters are very public in their BFF-Girlie-Buddy-Buddy-ness and I always find it forced.

My mom and I confide a lot in each other, but we also both have husbands and my brothers and our own best friends. There are some things that I just can't take hearing from her and I really do wish she wouldn't tell me, while there are other things she does keep from me until she has no choice but to tell me (like health issues and honestly any health issues are something I WANT to know).

We just try to be respectful of each other's boundaries. That's what daughters AND mothers are supposed to do.

EDIT: This is not to say that my mom and I aren't close, and it's not to say that you can't be close with your daughter too. It's just saying that your daughter is setting a boundary about what she considers oversharing.

What would you do if you did not have a daughter?

It's actually a good sign that she told you that she can't handle too much of your stuff. Many young women would just shut you out. At least she trusts you with her feelings.

Do you remember what it's like to be young and trying to get your life off the ground?

My heart truly goes out to you and I hope things get better for you. I just think you need to seek emotional support elsewhere. It really is supposed to be more of a one-way street with our kids (though I don't think adult children should dishonor their parents).

I agree very much with Rosebud's answer, and many answers here.

Good luck, and hugs to you. I'm sorry that you're going through so much.

So interesting you asked this question -- I was just discussing this very thing with some friends yesterday.

First of all, I brought up this topic with my friends because I am getting really tired of my own mother sharing all her burdens of aging with me. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about them, and listening to someone complain all the time is really unpleasant.

My mother needs to complain about her physical ailments with other old people who can empathize, not to me. I would not go to someone thirty years younger to vent about menopause and the empty nest -- which are two of my current woes -- so why should someone who is much older than I come to me to complain about things with which I cannot empathize?

When I discussed this with my friends, I also brought up your dilemma -- at what point and how much are we entitled to share with our own daughters? Because I certainly understand wanting to let my daughter know just how hard some things can be. But ultimately, it's not fair to place your burdens on your daughter, and she is not the one who can help you, anyway. It's one thing to maybe say a few sentences to your daughter, like, for example, "Menopause sucks and this time of life can be difficult," but after that you need to go find friends your own age who share your experiences. Your daughter is not at your point of life yet, and she cannot and should not have to help you.

Short answer: Find friends your own age you can discuss these issues with.

It may be that you do need someone to talk to. I often tell people the reason counseling works is because you get to talk to someone and they listen. Until you finally realize what it is you are trying to achieve.

Working through issues you are having is not easy. Your daughter doesn't want to be your friend, she wants you as her mom, not someone she has a friend like relationship with.

Since you said your friends are getting tired of your sharing perhaps it's time you shared them with a counselor so you don't have so many you have to go through alone.

Therapist. Or church. If things are that hard that it's "too much" for your husband and friends, you should find a professional, because that level of stress isn't healthy for you. Someone else mentioned support groups - there are probably some in your area that deal with aging parent/alzheimers.

It's not ok to dump on your child. She may be an adult, and you can share some of it, but she's your daughter, not your friend/spouse/therapist.

I remember my mother confiding in me about the breakup of her relationship when I was 16 - it was so not right. Please don't do that. Seriously, you're her MOM - being supportive for them is what we DO. Balance is the key. If it's too much, back off. She can give love/support in general, but don't dump on her.

She is not your "friend."
She is not your buddy.
She is your daughter.
You are her Mom.
Sure, as an adult, a "kid" has to grow up too and realize that their parents are getting older and have concerns.
But yet, not all people can handle, hearing their Mom's problems or personal things/issues.
Your daughter, HAS told you she cannot emotionally handle.... your problems. So she told you. You have to also, as an adult.... understand that. NOT expecting her, or anyone else... to be able to "handle" what you are telling them or expecting of them or expecting them to handle your problems. If they cannot.

FIND a support group.
If you do not have friends that you can talk to and confide it.

The thing is: whether it is your grown "kid" or a co-worker or a friend or other adult... you CANNOT "expect" the other person, to be able to handle or bear... your problems. If they, cannot.
So then, you MUST go an find a "support group."
For example, one for "care givers" or whatever else the support group, addresses.

Your daughter is not a "Therapist."
Maybe you need to find a Therapist. For yourself.

When I was younger, one of my siblings would DUMP ALL HER PROBLEMS ON ME and expect me to. Because, I was her sibling. BUT at no time... does that mean that a "relative" HAS TO, do it.
IF the person cannot handle... ALL your problems, then they cannot.
And you, CANNOT expect, them to.

There is a time, to realize... that you need, more help. From a professional or support group.
NOT everyone, can handle.... listening to another person's problems, continually.

You need a professional to vent to, AND/or a support group who you can vent to, AND give you, coping skills. Or help you to problem, solve.

You said you want your daughter's emotional support.
BUT she cannot, do that, for you.
She cannot handle that.
She told you.
She is not a bad daughter.
She is just saying, her boundaries... and what she can handle or not, mentally.
You need to respect that.
And have communication about it.
And not make her feel guilty about it.

We should be able to count on the kiddults for some emotional support, yes, but we should not be burdening them. They are not our best friend. If your needs are such that they are too much for your husband, your friends, your mother, why would it be different with your daughter? If your need for support is that great, what you might need is some professional assistance from a therapist, or perhaps a support group. Yes, we should share joys and sorrows, but if you are depending upon your daughter too much, then you need to listen to her. She is not your spouse, best friend or therapist. It sounds like you need more support than any one person can offer.

It doesn't matter what the relationship is SUPPOSED to be. What matters is what the relationship between you and your daughter IS.

You are expecting your daughter to be your close confidant and friend. So, let's assume that she is your friend. If, as your friend, she told you that the amount of emotional burden you were sharing was too much for her, and asked you to stop, wouldn't you?

It sounds like you're willing to you cut your husband and friends a break on this. Why not your daughter?

I agree that you need support. We all do. But it doesn't have to come at the expense of the clearly express boundaries of our loved ones. A counselor or therapist is an EXCELLENT resource for support and a listening ear. She'll have an objective, supportive, viewpoint with no agenda other than to help YOU.

Good luck.
T.

If your daughter has given you her boundaries, it's your responsibility as a parent to respect those.

You need to go talk to a therapist. Find one you like. Dumping on family and friends will make them want to run after awhile. No one wants to hang with someone who dumps on them. Not judging you, just telling you the truth.

Alzheimer's is difficult. Find a support group: http://www.alz.org/care/

Sending you love!!!!

aw, i'm so sorry. you are carrying SO much (alzheimers is such a bastard) and you DO need help and support and an empathetic ear.
sometimes this is a child. those who say one's kids should never be 'burdened' are right in some cases, not in others. family dynamics are so individual.
it's really telling that your daughter is comfortable enough with your relationship to ask you to ease up on the sharing. not fun for you, granted. so no, it's not okay for you to treat her like a best friend, or to expect her to reciprocate equally. your daughter is telling you clearly that she's not prepared to cross that boundary that some daughters are indeed willing to cross. she wants you to remain her mom, her rock, her port in the storm, and not a more equable relationship where you lean on each other.
so you need to honor that. don't resent her- she's been honest and clear with you. good for her, and good for you for raising her to be that up front in her boundaries.
if your husband and friends have heard too much (or aren't capable of being listeners for you) then you need to find a support group, or talk to a professional. sometimes all we need is an occasional sympathetic ear, but you do hint here that you've got a pretty big need to unload, and the burden may well be greater than any of your loved ones is equipped to handle. no shame in that- but don't expect more than they can give you. take the sack of sorrows to someone who's trained to help you learn to bear it more easily.
khairete
S.

If she has told you it's too much for her, then please respect that. It doesn't really matter what we think. It matters what she thinks, and she's made that clear.

It sounds like you have a lot on your plate. Call the local agency on aging, and ask for support groups for caregivers of Alzheimer's patients. That will be the best place to talk about what is going on, with a supportive group who understands what you are going through.

Perhaps you could see a therapist instead of burdening your husband and child.

Some people have that very close best friend dynamic with their adult daughters. My good friend has two daughters in their 20's and they ALL share EVERYTHING and take turns with the hankies through difficult times. I hope to have that one day with my kids. BUT MANY people do NOT have that with their moms. I certainly don't with my mom. She and I just don't have that kind of relationship due to her very strong religion and her sheltered, reserved upbringing etc. I can't be open with her about things. And she would never come to me with those things, she would turn to her church community and pray, even though i would be receptive, it's just never happened and never will.
I have a few very close friends who are like sisters (including one gay man) to me who I can vent to about everything and vice versa.

It's not very nice of your daughter to use you for the exact same things she will not tolerate from you if she's an adult, but those are her boundaries and you have to comply.

Also, don't take this the wrong way, because I could be totally wrong if you are speaking about a certain finite situation here and there, but some people have CHRONIC major problems and that can be tough on the support network. My best friend's mom is one of those people (not saying you are), and my friend can't even take her calls at times because she KNOWS there's a big problem to deal with, ALWAYS. If you're saying your husband and friends can only take so much, How much is it? Are they just not good support? Or are you ALWAYS having major problems? And if you are, maybe you can analyze ways to lessen your need for help with so many things.

I'm going through a nasty divorce after a long nasty relationship, single parenting, other financial dilemmas in past few years, family deaths, two of my good friends are really struggling with their MS and another is battling Leukemia for her life, another cousin passed away at age 26 from cancer leaving her family, my close cousins, reeling, but none of us feel "overburdened" by each other or like we're overburdening each other. We're all careful not to complain all the time and be "that person" who's always got a calamity to seek sympathy for past the reasonable limit.

See if your problems may be a bit out of balance and maybe some therapy could help. But if you just have the regular rough and tumble of life's problems, and they are not in your control, and you're supporting others just as much as you are needing support, then your family members are the ones at fault. Either way, you aren't getting what you need from those closest to you, and you can't force them to be different than they are, so maybe outside intervention is needed to determine how to best proceed. Blessings!

Look at it from the view of you and your mother. What kind of things would you want your mom to share or have shared with you when you were your daughter's age.
While you do need someone to share these things with, it may not be a family member. Have you tried looking in to different group at church or a community center? Sometimes, keeping a journal, or having some quiet time, where you can just talk things out to yourself or to God can make a difference.

you might want to see a counselor. Friends are suppose to be there too.

No, do not put this on your adult daughter. It is great she is letting you know she does not want to be involved.

I would let her know if you or your husband has cancer for example. My mom and dad died a slow painful death and neither one of them burden me with heavy stories (not that I know of an affair, but this topic would not be something to detail to a child). Not to say it never happened, it just was not something they did often.

You should definitely see a therapist once a week as well as rely on your friends to talk about these heavy problems. Sure, keep your daughter in the loop, but don't burden her with ALL your heavy thoughts. A therapist is wonderful. You should find one you really like and go every week. It's very helpful.

Lots of great advice already about your relationship with your daughter. I'd encourage you to also look at the nature of your "confiding". If what you are really doing is asking people to listen to you complain, well, *nobody* wants to do that. Not your daughter, not your husband, not your friends. Complaining leads NOWHERE but down. Your daughter probably loves you more than most people in your life, and if she knows the pattern that you are going to call to read off your laundry list of grievances about your life, it probably leaves her feeling sad and helpless. And if she can't help, why would she want to hear it?

What people *are* more willing to do is to be there and listen and support you in finding a *solution* to your problems. Then it's not just pointless complaining, but seeking connection and support. Even when the problem doesn't have a perfect solution, like Alzheimer's, you can always be seeking to make the situation the best it can be - seeking therapy, seeking care and schedule changes that will improve the situation, etc. I'll bet if your conversations around tough stuff are more action/solution/idea-based ("hey, I was looking into this new type of care for Dad, what do you think?" or "I'm having a really hard time finding the time to cook like I used to with all that's going on. I miss it. Can you share some of your favorite 20-min recipes with me?" or "how would you handle this?"), then you will find that a) people will be more willing to listen to you, and b) you will feel better and MORE supported after those conversations than if you just called to "unload". Win-win.

Good luck - and I hope you are able to create some smoothness in your life!

So interesting you asked this question -- I was just discussing this very thing with some friends yesterday.

First of all, I brought up this topic with my friends because I am getting really tired of my own mother sharing all her burdens of aging with me. Unfortunately, there's nothing I can do about them, and listening to someone complain all the time is really unpleasant.

My mother needs to complain about her physical ailments with other old people who can empathize, not to me. I would not go to someone thirty years younger to vent about menopause and the empty nest -- which are two of my current woes -- so why should someone who is much older than I come to me to complain about things with which I cannot empathize?

When I discussed this with my friends, I also brought up your dilemma -- at what point and how much are we entitled to share with our own daughters? Because I certainly understand wanting to let my daughter know just how hard some things can be. But ultimately, it's not fair to place your burdens on your daughter, and she is not the one who can help you, anyway. It's one thing to maybe say a few sentences to your daughter, like, for example, "Menopause sucks and this time of life can be difficult," but after that you need to go find friends your own age who share your experiences. Your daughter is not there yet, and cannot and should not have to help you.

Answer: Find friends your own age you can discuss these issues with.

Children, even adult children, still expect their parents to be parents and shelter them from the harsh realities of life. That may not be fair, but it's the way of the world. You say your husband and friends can only take so much but you can't carry it alone. But how are you alone? You are sharing with husband and friends!

I imagine your daughter will always expect you to be her rock, and not to have needs. Some of that needs to be honored, and some of that needs to be shattered so that she has a reality check. If your daughter is 20, she's not a full adult yet (her brain won't even finish growing until age 25). However, if she's 30 or more, and she still hasn't grown into maturity, that's a problem. At some point, she's going to be the 40 or 50 year old woman who hasn't learned to deal with life's hardships, so in that sense, you have not finished parenting her if she can't function on her own.

She needs to see your mother (her grandmother) in the throes of Alzheimer's - for several reasons. She needs to see the reality of old age and what's expected from children in caring for their aging parents. She also needs to see what she may be predisposed to genetically, and take precautions (keeping up with advances in nutritional epigenetics, for example, to ward off some of these "genetic" issues which can be influenced for the better by choices made today). She needs to see you caring for another generation so that she can anticipate her own future, at some point, as part of the sandwich generation (those caught in the middle, caring for parents and kids at the same time). If she sees you as the long-suffering person who has no one to lean on, she won't grow up to be a realistic woman who reaches out for support. But if she sees you as a martyr, someone who doesn't have enough support in a marriage or with enough friends, she will either pity you or resent you - neither of which you want.

A mother doesn't necessarily treat an adult daughter like a best friend - if she does, it means both of them are sharing their joys and sorrows equally. If you are being asked to shoulder too many of her burdens, listening to everything "even though it is heavy emotionally" then you need to tell her what your limits are and suggest healthy ways for her to grow and find more support. You can show her the ways to reach out for support - which can be through professional help or a broader spectrum of friends, or a more equal sharing of the load with a spouse (which will help her choose better for herself when the time comes). If, however, you had unrealistic dreams about having daughters that they would grow into your best friends, you might want to look at that again and see if it's even possible. Maybe some mothers/daughters do it, but my guess is that most do not.

You have to find a balance between expected her to look at life realistically (and if you've sheltered her too much, she won't be able to) and understanding that she will always be your daughter not your peer.

Is she in her 20s or her 40s? It might be more than she can handle. Like everything else in life a relationship between you and kids is constantly evolving. The relationship you have now is not what it will be in the future.
Also I am very close with my parents and grandmom. Sometimes my grandmom.tells me things that make me squirm. I loathe when she tells me in detail about her sponge bath. I don't want hear such things from anyone. I can't tell her I don't want to hurt her feelings.

I have an adult daughter. I share but not everything. There are just some things I am not going to share with her. My husband and friends are my "go to" support group. I do share most with her but again, it just depends on the subject. There are some sorrows that I would never share with my daughter.

My mother has alzheimers as well. I can't even begin to explain this to someone who has experienced it. It totally and completely SUCKS!!

Your daughter has stated that you are upsetting her with the too heavy emotional sharing. Please respect that. Lean on your husband and friends more.

Good luck!

My opinion is, that you should confide in a friend, not your daughter. I get exactly what you are saying, that you want to share with her, but it doesn't sound like she wants that, or she doesn't want to talk about the subject you do. It's tricky.