Hi Colleen
Thing one, congratulations on acknowledging it and asking for help. You have a lot of time to correct what you think you may have done.
Thing two, clean room…simple, clean it, take digital pics, and tell her “this is what your room is to look like”. There is no “or else” – whenever you give an “or else” they weigh the consequences to see “what it is worth to them”. Just be matter of fact. She will keep her room that way.
As for doing stuff for her, that is easy to fix. BTW – don’t use your past as excuses, it is what it is, now you have to do what you must do to correct it. Excuses are just stories and stories change based on memory.
I am married and I have a 13 year old and a 10 year old (both girls) and here is our routine.
In our family we have “responsibilities” we don’t have chores. As a family it is our “responsibility” to ensure our home is clean and safe. That means EVERYONE does everything. We prepare meals together, we do dishes together, we clean house together. DAILY we do a 10 minute tidy every day – we put on 3 - 4 really fun fast songs, we set the time and we each pick a space to “clean” – cupboards, walls, floors, sweeping, dusting, clean out the fridge – whatever – then we just do it – but only for 10 mins. It is fun, fast and every day we get 40 mins of house work in (I have a family of 4). No more struggling to keep the house clean.
On the first of the month the 13 year old receives $200 and the 10 year old gets $100. 25% goes to rent, yes, they both pay rent
25% is kept in cash for necessities – toothpaste, deodorant, clothing, stuff they “need” – I pay for their food (unless they are going out with a group of friends – that comes from them)
10% goes to pay me for their sponsored sister (through World Vision)
10% goes toward education – books, school trips etc.
10% for Long Term Savings – for example my older daughter was saving for a trip with her Teen Group – she saved $800!
10% for Financial Freedom – every month they give me 10% of their income to invest.
10% Play – they can spend it on whatever they want – I can say NOTHING about it.
This teaches them responsibility for their actions and their own money. My 10 year old came home from “hanging at the mall” with her friend and her mom with a bag of new socks. I gave her a funny look and she said, “mom, they were in the clearance bin, they were only $5. 2 months ago when I bought this same pack it was $9! I am going to put them in my closet for school”
Colleen, I could go on, but really I have already taken up too much space. I would love to talk to you about the simple things you can do, ____@____.com. I have written some ebooks about some of my advice/ideas ($23 for 3 books) if you want, contact me and I will tell you how to get them.
Colleen, “afluenza” is VERY common. But it is curable. I can help.
B.
Family Wellness Coach