We have neighbors around us, we all have young kids. I don't see much interaction going on between some of them, yet at some times I see some over at others' houses, including when one has company. My kids notice this and so do I. We never get invited. I don't see them over at each others' houses either. But come holiday weekends I see more of this. My husband has had to work a lot, especially on holidays, which often leaves me home with my kids, while others have company (from out of town?)and parties. It hurts to see neighbors at each others' parties, but know that we are never invited. We have invited some to birthday parties, but have not gotten any feedback. I'd like to know why, but do we approach our neighbors and ask why they never invite us over (tacky)? And ask if people don't want much to do with us because of how our son acts (loud and "different" at times (because of his conditions)? How can we handle this seeing us and or son get ignored or avoided? It hurts my husband, whether he's home or not, to be aware of this, yet he doesn't know what to do about it. He has sort of blamed me, saying that I'm the one who wanted to move so they could have more friends. (We have seen our kids play with neighbors, but when it comes to special occasions, we are overlooked). We really don't talk to some of our neighbors much and don't see them talking much either, yet they get invited. I don't want to have to go around "explaining" or son everywhere I go, yet I don't know if he's why we don't get invited. Conditions like those are hard to explain anyway, because either people understand, maybe understand but don't care, or they blame me for not disciplining enough. I know that life is challenging when he acts up, and it wears me out, yet I still get blamed for things-which doesn't help one bit.
Is feeling left out and kind of angry about it justified here? Or are we just taking things too personally? I'd like some answers from these neighbors. I get left asking "How did THEY get invited", while my kids wish they were over there too.
When people invite each other over, doesn't it ever occur to them that they may be making someone feel left out? Or would they just not want to admit that it's because of how our son acts? During holidays I can't just take the kids elsewhere to escape it, because not every place is open. Would some of you be asking "How did THEY get invited?" and feel hurt that you weren't?
Although I welcome more responses, I just wanted to clarify that we have lived here about 4 years now. I may look into inviting some over for something. We have tried inviting kids around here to birthday parties, but either they've had other plans (which happens) or we haven't gotten any response. It's the neighbors who are closest to you who don't respond that hurts the most. Sometimes family live too far away, or we would get together more often, and sometimes holidays hurt lonely people that much more.
If I were you and felt left out, I would invite the neighbors over to my house for a BBQ to get more "friendly" w/ them, then hopefully, you would get invited to more things w/ all of them.
My suggestion would be to have a party yourself and invite all the neighbors...you could have an "end of the school year" party or organize a block party. This would be a great way to "break the ice" and start conversation. Then, maybe the next time, you'll be invited! Good luck.
Honestly, it does sound like you may be overreacting a little. You mentioned that you moved into the neighborhood a few years ago but you don't mention how long the neighbors who are included in each others parties have lived there.
You also said you don't see them talk. See this is the one statement that I looked at and thought, these other moms could be best friends and you might never see them interact. With today's technology and busy schedules, these Moms may make it a point to stay in contact mainly by computer or phone and to meet somewhere other than each other's houses for some Mommy time. It could be that they became friends before they ever had children. It might be that they are invited because of the friendship that the parents have NOT the kids.
Alternatively, it could be that you are being left out because they don't understand your sons problems. I don't know these women to tell you whether or not you are being paranoid. Maybe it is less your sons issues and more how you let them affect how you interact with others (if it does). Maybe your wary of letting others in because you don't want to share all of what is going on. Others might see that as you being standoffish, shy or just not interested in being friends. I know I have had (and sometimes still do) problems with being shy. I'm working on them. BUT I have refused to let then affect me the way they have my aunt. She doesn't really make new friends, never goes out other than to work, and has never dated anyone (she is in her 50s).
Whatever the reason, I do know that you (and your husband) seem to be feeling isolated. If you want to be included in your neighbors lives in the ways you speak about, then you need to do something. Invite them over for lunch or dinner. Ask them about something of theirs you've noticed or simply out to have a cup of coffee sometime. Remember, though, that it doesn't have to be the person next door that you meet and become friends with. You can find others in your area who you have more in common with (like the same books, foods, hobbies, movies, television shows, stores, etc.) See if there is a MOMS Club or similar group in your area where you can meet other moms who want to socialize and form friendships. Start a Moms group, Book Club or support group for parents of kids with Asperger's or Autism if you can't find something in your area that works for you.
The point I'm making is that if you want things to get better for you, you need to do something. I don't think these people have any idea that you are feeling left out. I think it is more likely that they are oblivious to the fact that you seem to feel or be left out. And don't be afraid or embarrassed to share that your son has problems. You don't have to share every detail but let them know he has Asperger's. It might just be a way to educate the others around you about Aspergers as well as allow them to see the diamond in the rough that your son is.
I guess what I'm saying is that maybe the situation is a combination of different circumstances. Your feelings are your own and it is never wrong to feel them. Maybe it is less about getting the kids together and more about getting the parents together. It is how you act on then that matters. You could bring things up with the neighbors in coversation, maybe something like, "I'm trying to put together a little party so that we can get to know the neighbors a little better. I was wondering if there is a weekend that might be good for you. And by the way, I noticed that so and so was at your house this past weekend/memorial day/whatever day, do you think they would come if I invited them?" Some of the things that have helped me or other friends socialize have been my book club and our MOMS Club has a Couples Dinner Club (where the MOMS and their spouses take turns hosting dinner once or twice a month).
Anyhow, I know I have rambled a bit BUT I hope that you find some comfort and help in my words. Good luck.
Donna
I too have a son with ADHD and completely understand how you feel about being left out of situations. I also have a friend whose child has Aspergers as well. These children are such a gift from God. When people don't completely understand these disorders, they just concluded that these children are bad. What I had to do is realize that the people that treat you the way your neighbors are treating you is really not what you want in friends anyway. I understand that you have to look out the windows and see them all having a good time, but in all reality after all this time has passed would you really want to go over there? Find people from your church, support groups, etc. and make friends that you don't have to make excuses to for a friendship. Good luck!
I don't think you are taking things too personally. Being excluded is hurful, especially when it involves our children. I used to work for an agency that counseled children with behavioral issues, including ADHD and Aspergers. Many parents faced the same difficulties that you mention. Some of them found comfort in joining a support group (SAFE - Supporting Autism and Families Everywhere) and seeking out other parents who could understand their situation.
My son has leukemia and when he was first diagnosed nobody knew how to act. While he didn't have behavioral issues he often had low immunity so we had to be diligent in keeping him healthy. That meant one Christmas without relatives, no trips with him to the grocery store during flu season, etc. For the first 6 or 8 months we were not invited to any family functions on my husband's side. It was very hurtful for us. We decided my husband would confront them. He learned that they weren't inviting us because #1) they figured we wouldn't come, #2) they didn't want to put us in a difficult position (should we attend or not) and #3) they didn't want us to feel bad if we couldn't attend. As much as we appreciated them trying to spare our feelings, it hurt more to not be included. We told them we would rather be included and have the freedom to make the decision that was best for us. Since that time, depending on the situation, sometimes we decline, sometimes my husband or I will take my daughter and sometimes we all attend. We do what is best for that day. Some of your neighbors might be like my husband's family and may be doing what they think is in your best interests.
It is also possible that your son's issues cause them to be uncomfortable. If there are any parents that you are particulary close to, you could sit down and have a discussion, asking them the questions that you want answers to. Just be prepared that you might not like the answers you get. A different approach would be to invite them and their children over for smaller gatherings. Get closer to them, let them see how well your son can do, let them get comfortable being around him. That may or may not lead to being included by the larger group, but at least you may gain some better friends among your neighbors.
How about family? Do you have family nearby that you can turn to?
I wish you luck in choosing how to handle your situation.
I just wanted to comment on one part of what you said, "We really don't talk to some of our neighbors much and don't see them talking much either, yet they get invited. I don't want to have to go around "explaining" or son everywhere I go, yet I don't know if he's why we don't get invited. Conditions like those are hard to explain anyway, because either people understand, maybe understand but don't care, or they blame me for not disciplining enough. I know that life is challenging when he acts up, and it wears me out, yet I still get blamed for things-which doesn't help one bit."
Actually i guess i have 2 things to say, you might not see them talking because they do it over the phone and not necessarily standing out at the mail box. I don't know, or maybe they have older kids in boyscouts together and all talk there.
The bigger point i was going to make, is that while i agree that you don't have to explain yourself to random strangers in the grocery store, it might be helpful in this situation for your neighbors that you want to have a relationship with to know why your son is behaving the way he does. Yes maybe some people still might think there would be more you could do to discipline or what ever but I bet most of them would be more lenient of a kid with a diagnosis and teach their kids to be extra patient with them.
ADHD and Aspergers aren't like Downs syndrome or being blind where people can tell what the issue is. Why wouldn't they assume that the child was mean or moody or that the parent was spoiling them. I think in this situation you do need to get the word out and be an advocate for your son. Teach the other parents and kids what your son needs, or what triggers upset him. So that the interactions he has with these neighborhood kids are positive ones.
Lastly with Aspergers, isn't that mostly about not interacting normaly with others??? Does your son even want to play with these neighborhood kids??? I know as an adult if i don't think someone is interested in me i usually don't continue to "play with them" , it could be that the neighborhood kids think that your son doesn't LIKE THEM.
I really think the best thing for you to do is focus on your own relationships with your neighbors. Get a babysitter or call grandma to take the kids to a movie and invite one couples over for dessert or something where you can connect with out the kids. Then once you see where that takes you, you can do things to help built friendships between the kids.
I think someone else posted something else along these lines --- not all grown ups hit it off and not all kids are destined to be life long friends. You may need to look outside your neighborhood.
Good luck to you and your boys. Find things to do that make you happy.
OK, MAMA!
Here's what you need to do. You don't KNOW if it's because of your son's behavior, so remove that from your mind and proceed as if that is not the case.
You also should not take this personally, because even if these people are judging you, hate you, have looked up your personal background online and have decided you are not worthy to live in their neighborhood-that would be their problem not yours. Do not show a victimy self pitying outlook to your sons or even feel it for yourself. Not productive. Not healthy.
The ONLY thing you can do, is reach out old school style, like you wish other would do for you. People don't do that these days, but still like to have it done. Bake some cookies or buy some flowers and show up on the doorstep all like, "Hi, I know we've never really talked, but I wanted to introduce myself and say hello." Only a space alien would be rude to you after that. Get to know them and be warm, and have no return in mind for it, just do it, and don't complain if nothing happens, but I'm sure once you make contact, things will improve. Don't talk too much about your sons problems, be old fashioned and mention it lightly and briefly if something terrible happens at a meeting, but always say positive things about him. No one wants to start a heavy "problem" friendship with the complainer next door. This is also better for him. In time, you can get more deeply involved.
Birthday parties are usually more for people who you already know Well, so that may be why they didn't respond, regardless, don't be mad, just be nice. you don't know how long they've all known each other or why-don't bother speculating. Word will get around how nice you are once you've reached out.
We didn't reach out to any neighbors except an elderly lady across the street-I just walked right over with my daughter and started talking to her, and now we're very close. Then the "nutty" seeming neighbor to our left showed up one day with cockatoos to show us-and even though he's sort of a handful, we always talk when I see him. Meanwhile to our right, our groovy neighbors had deck parties all summer last year and we were never invited, but they didn't know us then. Why would they invite us? Last week she was having a yard sale, so I walked over and made a point to find out about her-we've lived here a year and i didn't know her name-LAME OF ME!!! They're very nice, and maybe this year we can butt in on their deck parties.
Take the high road! if you've reached out to everyone, and they all shun you, then move or be justified in your accusations, but I think it will all work out!
Good Luck! have fun. If you like them, they'll like you!
I have a daughter with ADHD She is now 18 and she has become a beautiful young woman with a job and college classes.
She is my only girl I had four boys It can be hard
Friends seemed to come and go for her She did get two really close friends in high school and I think they will remain close. I wish that everyone that judges these kids had to take care of one for a month. Good Luck to you and your son.
I really dont know why you care about your neighbors so much... You have a child that is a handful, you know it, they know it...i dont mean to be harsh- i want to say get used to it... i have a son w/ADHD and went through the same kinda stuff- it gets better.....he is now 18 and has friends
Humm sounds lonely over by you. I don't know, but I am not really a neighborly type person. I wave hello and goodbye and that's good enough for me. Here's the thing as to why...I don't like people in my business. Neighbors many times who are in your life, well most of them are nothing but trouble. gossipers if you may. If they see something you do or say, they are the first ones to cause trouble, and even make a bad name for you. Lived that life.
But I also understand for your kids sake, and your situation. Things you can opt to do, is allow your other boy to go ask them to play every so often, eventually it'll get you and your neighbor talking....such as, how was he at your place? Let me know if I can be of help. Another is to bring a cake (home"made" or cookies-for no reason at all. Leave it with them. Eventually they will get the picture. Even invite them for coffee. With some, you may have to be a little persuavsive. You know, even when you have a moment with them having coffee, do what most moms do--complain a bit about your kids and allow them to do the same. neighbors love to know what is going on in your life, and love to talk about themselves as well.
All these ideas, well have been done to me. And luckily for me, I live in the woods with trees all around and I am happy for that! But when I do have neighbors, I will admit to be one to steer clear. My household is enough for me to deal with.
Mom of 4-it's a crazy life but it's my life.
Donna, what a difficult position you are in! There are so many factors at play here, but I believe you can turn it around if you're willing to work at it. I agree with you, it would be tacky to go around asking "why." IMHO I believe you should work at making your yard the most desired play area in your neighborhood. I don't mean you should buy expensive toys, I mean you should make your yard FUN! Have a sandbox, a homemade swing, a kiddie pool, a slip and slide ~ whatever you can, just be willing to share. When kids do come over, offer them cookies (snacks...etc) and juice, play fun games, have lots of laughter and fun yourself. The more you enjoy them, the more they will want to be around you. You're teaching your kids how to interact with other children by doing that interacting first. Treat your neighbors and their kids as you want them to treat you and your kids. If, after awhile, it seems that this is still not working then you become your kids best friend and you make their childhood fun. :D
Hi Donna! Instead of waiting around for invatations get out there! Meet your neighbors, invite them to your house. Invite the kids over to play...have an "end of the school year" or "summer kick-off" party and invite them over! You may have to explain that your son has ADHD so that your neighbors don't think he's just a "differnt" or "loud" problem child. If you aren't willing to start, the friendships you are looking for are not going to happen. If you know there is going to be a party take your kids to a movie or the mall or a park for a picnic. You don't have to sit around and watch life go by. Your husband should get off his behind and help with all this too. You are not an island quit living like you are! Get involved heavily with the PTA or your local sport association and find some friends there! How about your local library's summer programs? Or your nearest YMCA/YWCA summer programs for kids? There are lots of ways to keep your kids happy and busy if you watch, look and listen! Good luck & best wishes
Instead of inviting people over for a birthday party or something else that they would feel obligated to bring something, try just having a little neighborhood party at your house. Maybe a cookout or something.
Just a little advice. I hope this helps. If your sons goes to school start setting up lots of playdates. Get to know the parents and start forming bonds with some of them. There are also lots of parents dealing with your same circumstances, start seeking them out. It sounds to me like you are very lonely. Maybe this will help. See if there is a support group around for your son's condition. Go ahead and call a parent and ask if your son who doesn't have issues can play. Let them know that you need a break. And, then one day you can return the favor. Please stop beating yourself up because you and your kids aren't invited somewhere. Have a party yourself and invite all the neighbors you want. Make it easy on yourself and ask them to bring their favorite dish, entree, salad, dessert, ect. Also you supply all the paper products, plastic utensils and drinks. Also, let them know they can also bring a favorite drink if they would like to also. Sometimes you have to put yourself out there in order to get out there. Send out cute invitations, ask for a response whether coming or not, this way you can start to talk to some of them either over the phone or on the street. This will open the communication between you and your neighbors.
Hey it's the summer, get out and start enjoying your neighborhood.
I hope this helps.
Donna, I'm sorry you're feeling so hurt over this. I do understand, though, as I've often felt the same way. I'm not sure about your neighborhood, but a LOT of what happens around me is that the people who gather are either related or have known each other for EVER. They just don't often think to include "newcomers" because they're so well established in their traditions. It's the double-edged sword of living in PA - did you know that PA ranks highest in terms of the fact that most people who live here actually live within 50 miles of where they were born. In other words, Pennsylvanians move the least. This also means that they have the most family & friends around.
A couple of thoughts on this. First, do you belong to any play groups, mom's groups, church groups, etc? That's a really good way to start making some friends and forming plans with them. And if it's your neighbors that you're anxious to be with, plan a cook out of your own and personally invite them over - and just saying, "If you can come over on Sunday, that would be great" isn't going to get them committed to coming. Instead try, "I'm so glad you'll be able to make it! Should I put you down for bringing a dessert or side dish since we're going to provide all the hamburgers & hot dogs?" or something that really, really gets their buy-in.
As for taking it personally, don't. I seriously doubt anyone is malisciously plotting the exclusion of your family behind your back. I think you may be feeling a little over sensitive because of your child's issues, but I doubt that has much to do with it (assuming you've explained any "off" behaviors when he's been around the neighbors?).
As I always tell my kids, "If you want to have friends, you have to BE a friend." Good luck!!
Donna, I have to second some of the other women on here...just because you do not see the other neighbors talking does not mean that they are not friends! We have neighbors a few doors down that we see at church and will talk to when we see them out and about, but most of our other neighbors don't even know that we are friends! Your neighbors may be in the same position. Yes, this may have to do with your son's behavior, but if you don't explain to your neighbors why he acts the way that he does, then you are not helping him or the situation. It hurts to not be included in something, so instead of being upset, have your own neighborhood party where EVERYONE in the neighborhood is invited (even the older folks who have no children...I bet they feel left out too!). If few show up, then that is their loss and you need to move on, but maybe you will finally get to know your neighbors 4 years later! It's a tough situation, but it will all work out in the end. Good luck! :)
I like what Amy J. said.. great advise!
Try making snacks and sometime when you see them over, go visit with the kids and bring snacks lol.
I agree with others about either inviting some over for coffee or joining a mom's club or having playdates with other families.
On another note, I know of a practice that VERY successfully treats your sons condition along with a multitude of other conditions. It's Holistic Family Healthcare, the website is www.holisticfamilyhealthcarepc.com and Elaine Hardy, RN, MSN, APN, C is the owner/Nurse Pracitioner. I've been going to her for years and she is a huge success. It really is worth a try and she tries to treat without drugs!! Good luck to you!!!
If you really want to become friends with the neighbors you have to start slowly. Invite them all over for a casual BBQ this summer. If you would like to hang out with them for a holiday (like 4th of July) send out cute little invites now. Invite all of your neighbors (make sure it says that on the invite). Call it a neighbor hood party.
If you want your sons to make friends with all the neighbors, then you need to make the kids want to come to your house. You want your house to be the "cool" place to be. For example you could get one of those cool slip -n- slides and have it on every hot day. If the kids come over to play, then after about an hour offer a healthy snack, like watermelon & lemonade. (Don't push it on the kids, just let them know its there & put it out on a table).
THis may sound like you are buying friendship for your children, but you are not. You are just encouraging the kids to play together. After a while, when the kids get used to playing with your sons, then they will be part of the group & will always be invited.
I don't think you should talk to your neighbors about the situation. It would just be awkward. There is no rule that neighbors have to be friends. Growing up I lived on a really nice block. There were a lot of boys my brother's age & he played with them all. But when it came to families getting together. My parents only socialized with one other family. We would go to each other's houses & hang out & have BBQs together. We did not do this with the rest of the neighbors. We were friendly with them all, but we just did not click that way. (Or I should say my mom just did not click with the rest of them that way). She used to talk o them whenever she saw them outside. And we always knew what was going on in everyone's life, but we never spent holidays with them. We never went in their houses. You should try to make friends outside your neighborhood as well.
One more thing...you should tell your neighbors (if you can casually work it into the conversation) that your son has ADHD & Aspergers, so they have the opportunity to be understanding. They can also then explain to their children why your son sometimes behaves differently. It might make things better.
Good luck.
You can't force people to invite you over, and telling them that your lack of invitation is hurting you won't do it either. I recommend that you find other friends, and invite THEM over. It doesn't have to be a bunch of them, but invite some and have picnics and stuff.
Where to meet people? People with families? Try a church. We have 3 autistic kids in our church, we have one with Asbergers, who actively participates by sharing his "Prayer concerns" along with the adults on Sunday morning. (Usually it'just a story about his life, and sometimes Dad has to explain, because his diction isn't all that good, but everyone listens to him, the same way they listen to the adults who have friends/family with cancer or whatever. In a church, you become part of the broader "family" and everyone is welcome. It might be a good place for your son to make new friends, as well as have opportunities to go to Sunday School, Vacation Bible School, and other stuff. Our church has a puppet program, and the kids do the puppets, they have a Wed. night program for kids, (Kindergarten and up through adulthood), and it's a place where there are people who care about others, and have the kind of values you want your children to develop: love, kindness, compassion, respect.
The other question I have is this: how do you know that they aren't inviting you because of your son ? Or could it perhaps because you or our husband are putting out signals that you are defensive, and perhaps not as friendly as you want to be ? If you want to do things with the neighborhood, maybe you should organize something -- we don't do much in our 'hood', but we have nice neighbors. Once a year, one of them hosts a neighborhood chili cook off, complete with voting and a wooden chili pepper-man as a trophy that gets handed from winner to winner. We live in a very rural area, and we are transplants versus "locals" for lots of generations, so we aren't in the "in" group around here, but we always have a nice time when we go.
Another thing to do ? since it's summertime, take the kids for daily walks on nice days. Plan it for a time when your neighbors might be outside, and be sure to be friendly, greeting them as you go by, and stopping to chat if it's appropriate. Show that YOU are friendly, upbeat and encouraging, and they will want to have you around, because they enjoy you, even if having you around means that everyone (you included) has to be more careful about child supervision than they might with other friends.
Moving into a community can be tough. You don't know "what the walls" are -- because you are the new person. I would just try to BE a friend, on whatever level people are willing to admit you to their circle, and see what happens. but also try some other circles. You can always invite people to your house, and have a picnic or whatever, with or without inviting your neighbors.
I don't know where you lived before, but I have a friend on our road (1 mile away - we live in the boonies), who hates living in the country. And the reality is that in our area, people seem to move here to "get away" from people. They are all very nice, and very friendly when we bump into each other, but they aren't into block parties or stuff like that. They, do, however, have company -- extended family, mostly, every once in a while. We aren't related to anyone in the area, so we aren't in on those events, but I wouldn't take that as "I'm not good enough, or they don't like me" It's amazing to me to get to know people (we've lived here almost 10 years now) and to realize who is related to whom. But it definately isn't like living in an urban environment with block parties, and neighbors who come outside, and sit and chat together regularly.
On the other hand, my neighbor has a tractor and mowing rig, and when I bought a push lawn mower to mow our 3 acres, for exercise, I would have to mow when he wasn't home -- or he'd get the tractor out and do my 8 - 10 hour job in 20 minutes for me. And I always felt guilty becuase he wouldn't ever let me pay him for gas or anything. This years he's planted corn on his acreage, so he's busy, and the land is still too wet, so he hasn't brought his heavy tractor over, but if it gets too long, or I look too tired, I know he'll be over -- but he and his wife have never invited us over when they have parties. We bump into them at parties hosted by friends of ours at church -- and we joke about having to go across town to see our neighbors -- but they are good neighbors. They just don't have us in their "family" circle.
Try to be a good neighbor. Be upbeat. When you make brownies or cookies or something, if you can afford to, make a double batch, and "bless" someone with a plate of goodies because you got carried away and made more than your family will ever eat. If you are constantly improving their lives, they will want to reciprocate. But you have to be willing to give without expecting a return. Just be a giving person.
I live on a block with a strong clique. It can be difficult. I don't know if every member is equally invested in this clique. To try to confront the issue might really create more of a problem. It can become really dicey politics if you realize that... oh my... I am surrounded by 30 year old 7th graders. You can't make people like you.
If you haven't had trespassing and negative attitudes directed toward you, then they may just be living their lives without you... not a deliberate offense. If they were already set in their patterns when you moved in, well that is natural. If the adults aren't out much on the sidewalk to get to know each other, then likewise that is natural. I don't think they necessarily owe you, but it could be nice.
I like to catch a friendly neighbor once in a while when I see them in their yard and we have a quick chat once in a while. It is a slow process to build friendships. Or if you recognize anyone out at a public space, maybe you can attempt to chat. See what kind of feedback you get. If they seem comfortable talking, that can grow.
I have made a very deliberate effort since I began to realize the severity of the clique to get involved in my community off the block. This helps me immensely. I don't know yet how it will play out for my child(ren). Not getting invited doesn't have to be so bad, unless it is in your face... loud and visible and discourteous.
I do know that this household has to FIND people who are worthwhile for our friendships. They are not outside our front door, unfortunately (or fortunately... no one sapping our energies as soon as they see the car pull in the driveway, as I've heard and actually felt just once here).
These people may just not be your friends for a variety of reasons. If you find other people you enjoy, you won't have to pay too much attention to your neighbors. Unless they have given you specific indication that it is personal, it will help you a great deal to slough it off and just look elsewhere while keeping the options open on the block.
I failed this big time. I also had indication that it was personal, though. I just couldn't rise above it entirely. (I had woefully inadequate support.) It is entirely natural to feel hurt at the rejection (real or perceived)... especially if you are feeling a group against you. How we deal with it makes the difference. And if you haven't lived there long, ... you may have no support of prior friends and family nearby. These neighbors are not there for you, at least not yet.
I can't wait for preschool in September to meet even more people... friends for my child... off the block. I really hope some are walking distance. I did join my local chapter of the MOMS Club and also MOPS. The first is secular and the second is faith-based. Those might also really help you. And if you don't feel comfortable with one chapter, try another nearby.
Good luck. Personal rejection stinks and I'm not good at processing it. It will hurt to experience it through our children; it will build character. (ACK! Please let's be able to chuckle.)
How long have you lived there? It sounds like you are new to the neighborhood. I am sure that your neighbors are doing this on purpose. They have probably been friends for some time and have done this often. I think one of the ways to deal with this is to have a cookout and invite several of the neighbors over to your house. Once they start to get to know you then I am sure you will be invited to gathers. You will have to take the first step to become friends with your neighbors.
When I first moved to our neighborhood, I walked to each house next to me and the ones on teh other side of them aas well as the 3 houses across the street and introduced myself to them. I didn't go into alot of detail but told them a little about me & my family(why we moved there, we and a dog..small talk stuff). I have one neighbor that took to us and one that we talk to once or twice a month and the rest we just kinda wave when we see them out.
It takes time and like anything else you have to work at it. As for you being blamed for it all I can say is it takes everyone pitching to make it happen. As for the kids, as someone else suggested have a year end school party or an ice cream social where the kids can come make ice cream sundaes for an hour just to get people to come see that you are willing to be a part of their community.
Good luck.
Neighborhoods are touchy things as we live in one too. We have this neighborhood thing where the women get together and I know there have been ones I have not been invited to and I just have to accept that. Makes it tough when you see your neighbor over the other neighbors house for special occasions. I realize you do not spend much time talking to your naighbors but perhaps you could make an effort to do so. Also are they aware of your child's disablity ( as in have they been told by you what his exact problem is? We have a neighbor my son plays with and she told me and other neighbors that he has aspergers which helped me to greatly understand him and to modify the way I would redirect him. I understand you might not like explaining your son but people draw conclusions right or wrong and sometimes it's better to be open about it.
We all move into an area that has kids so that are kids and our self can have friends. Sometimes it works out and sometimes it doesn't There might be a chance that they are all related to one and another. If you are in a small town. I am in a small town and everyone is related to one another, in some way.
Why not just a fun day? Where you can invite all the kids and parents over and have a fun day. Or have a block yard sale. Anything to show that you would like to get to know the area. I have been in the house that i am at for 3years and i only see the kids out playing with no adults. And the children reange from walking age all the way up to 5 grade. I picked a bad area, but hopeful your area is better.
Hi Donna
I feel for you b/c it is a difficult situation and I see it a lot. I started a support group for autistic parents and it is helpful. My suggestion would be to go and talk to the neighbors, educate them briefly about autism by saying is a dev. neurogical disability that affects social behavior. YOur son would love to have friends to play with and and can we give it a try. As what the kids like to play and hopefully it will work. Also try to find a support group near you where you can start a playgroup with other kids. I hope you are getting help at the schools also with peer buddies, lunch bunches etc.Hope this helps.
C.
Try hosting a "meet your neighbors" party at your house one weekend and invite all of your neighbors....plan a few weeks in advance and ask for an RSVP. You may try to invite even the neighbors that don't have kids...they may prove to be a good support system for you, and they may also have grandchildren, or neices and nephews. We really don't know anyone in our neighborhood either, but I feel like I NEVER see anyone outside except our immediate neighbors, and they are much older. We have become friendly with them, and they have been very supportive while my husband travels with work...bringing over meals after I had the baby, fixing things around the house in a pinch.
It may also help to explain to the neighbors about your son's condition. Since Asperger's and ADHD don't make him look any different, they may not understand why he behaves that way...you may find people are more sympathetic or tolerant if they know what you are going through.
J. W
I agree with some of the responses, but it seems like you have maybe tried to have the neighbors come to your house with no luck.
I would be more direct. Call one of the neighbors with children close to your sons age and directly invite them only to your home for lunch/play. Set a specific date and time. There will be no room for lack of response because you will be on the phone with them, OR go right over to the house and ask them (can't ignore you when you are standing right there). It may be less of a sensory overload for your special needs child to have just one family at the house, it will give you a chance to explain his condition (at least to one family), and you can see if you even like these people to want to spend more time with them anyway (kids, too).
Look for support groups in your area for your sons condition. When there are other parents dealing with situation like yours your bound to find some freinds. This way you won't have to explain your sons contion. Everyone is in the same boat you are.
This IS a touchy situation, but one that I'm a bit familiar with. I'm not exactly in your place, but there are times that I hear the other kids playing around the corner and wonder why nobody came down to ask our kids to play. We are all friends, but the other families have all been friends longer. I try not to make an issue of it and just tell my kids that if they want to play with the other kids they're going to have to take the initiative and ask them. We do have a family in our neighborhood that is in your similar situation. They live across from me, and next to one of the other families. I don't like the boy because he's too rough, he's completely disobedient, and he's an all-around annoying brat. I've know him since he was 2 (he's 9 now). My son and he occasionally play together, and our daughters play very well together, but I don't often ask them to play because of Ryan. I know the other neighbor will not let her kids play with him because of an incident at the pool when Ryan dunked the other boy and held him down because he thought it was funny. When he was disciplined about it, he laughed at his mother and talked back. I have made general comments to her, but would love to have her directly ask me why we don't often ask her son to play. My advice to you through all this babble is if you're concerned, bite the bullet and ask. Be discreet and polite, but get it out in the open and find out once and for all if it's really about your son or maybe, like us, it's just that sometimes it takes a while to truly become part of the neighborhood. They may even give you a reason you don't expect, such as discomfort asking you to come over without the whole family (if your husband is working). You never know, and you may just open the gates to friendship and understanding this way.
Good luck to you.
Donna, perhaps you could host a get-together and invite these neighbors. If you reach out to them, perhaps they will reciprocate. If you are not comfortable doing that, have gatherings of your own with family, friends and others. Perhaps your neighbors may get the idea if they see you entertaining and they aren't included. When we first moved on our street, we invited our next door neighbors to kids parties and they did the same. But, as our children get older, they really aren't friends and have completely different interests, go to different schools, etc., so although we are friendly and say hello and such, there isn't the inviting anymore and that's ok, too.
Hi Donna,
I feel for your situation and I really can't speak for your neighbors. I realize it would be kind of awkward to go and ask them point blank what the deal is... so here is my suggestion...
Plan a good old fashioned block party... get the permission from your city or borough or whatever to block off the street and plan games and have a meeting and plan who will bring what... which family will bring thier grill in front and go for it!! It will give everyone the chance to get to know each other more and you could even do it ever year if it goes well... you should probably have a meeting or talk to neighbors about when they are all going to be in town etc... it is also a good opportunity to do the whole 'Staycation' thing they are talking about on tv to avoid going away to have fun with the family...
good luck and God Bless ~
S.
Elizabethville PA
I do not have advice, but your feelings and obvious hurt touched me. There is a coach, Joan Celebi, who has a free newsletter for parents of children with special needs. You may need more self care than you realize and because she knows about these things, she may be able to help you with advice for you about your child. Please check her website at www.specialneedsparentcoach.com Good Luck! D. Fletcher
Hi Donna,
I'm trying to understand your situation. It's always hard to feel "left out" and it's even harder to see your kids be "left out" or "overlooked".
But, I must say, I am a bit puzzled as to why you would want to be spending "holidays" with your neighbors in the first place. We are on friendly terms with neighbors but we never go over or have them over on holidays. We spend holidays with our families. (Maybe you don't have family near-by, I'm not sure.) OR why don't YOU host a holiday get-together? Or organize a block party? Something to let everyone know you are interested in getting together and being part of the community. Personally, I would keep inviting neighborhood kids over to play at your house when it is feasible. When your kids start school, they will most likely make their own friends and they may not necessarily be the ones that live nearby
Also--you've probably heard the old advice "Be careful what you wish for!" Just because someone lives nearby, they may not want to be the kind of people you want as "friends." I think there is a definite difference between "neighbors" and "friends."
Is there another woman that you really want to try to form a friendship with? I think another mom would be very understanding of the special needs of your son. I can't imagine your neighbors purposely excluding only YOU and YOUR kids. You may be being just a bit unrealistic and paranoid here. Try to set a positive social example for your kids!
As for the no-response from your neighbors..that is just plain RUDE! There is nothing I disklike more than people who cannot do a simple RSVP for parties. It takes 5 seconds to call/email your response. In that situation personally, I would call & tell them you are finalizing the guest list and haven't gotten their response yet. Then let them squirm! LOL
You're right--that is hurtful especially to the kids. I would definitely address a non-response situation should it come up again.
Also, my son met a sweet little girl on our street and they have become pretty good buddies...her mom used to just take her for a walk up & down the street "looking for friends" and simply stopping for 10-15 minutes to talk to & play with the kids they happened upon. Her daughter didn't know any neighborhood kids and now, as she tells me, she's "Very Popular!" Good Luck and remember, don't assume you're being snubbed until you have some evidence. Honestly, I wouldn't want my kids to socialize with other kids whose parents can't RSVP for a simple birthday party. Look elsewhere.
