Birthday Party Exclusion

You should let them invite the friends they choose to invite, just as the other children have been allowed to do. Most boys don't want an all girl party.

I say it's their party and if they don't want the neighbor girls coming, that's fine. It's not teaching them anything wrong, it's letting them have some control around who they want to celebrate with them.

I would not be upset or worried. This is pretty much normal.

Let the boys have a boys only.. They do go through different phases.

Do not worry, when they get to middle school, they will be ready for the girls again..

This is sending the message that your boys want to be able to choose who comes to their party. It happens. Is the party for you, or for them? Let them invite who'd they like to spend the day with.

ETA: Love Theresa's perspective! So true!!

I don't get why birthday parties seem to end up being more than they really are. We, as parents, kinda need to get over ourselves. It's just a party. If your neighbors have a problem after all this? Tough patooties for them.My guess it that no one will care at all. Let your boys have the party they want-- an all-boys party. It only sends a message if YOU make it about the previous exclusions. If you don't bring it up, no one will care.

I would not take offense. Are you doing this with expectations of a reciprocation? If so, stop. That's the issue!

There is no reason why at ages 4-10 you can't have age specific parties without someone getting riled up. I don't think most boys get into mani/pedis!!!

Our daughter had lots of friends in our very nice neighborhood but I never felt an obligation to invite specific people. It was a given that as kids got older they branched out to smaller parties which included sleepovers and such.

Your children are just growing up and getting to the point of defining their groups of friends! No big deal.

quit expecting the neighbors to behave just like you, and listen to your sensible boys.
it's not 'exclusion' to have a sensible guest list.
khairete
S.

Let them have their all-boy party. There is also nothing wrong with the all-girl parties. These are 100% totally normal and developmentally appropriate things to do.

Just because your boys have invited girls in the past does not mean that the girls are obligated to have dual gender parties. It doesn't work that way and your boys are not being maliciously excluded. You're seeing trouble where none exists and keeping score where you should not be.

You will find that your children's friends and interests change over time. If it is their birthday party, you should let them do what they want to do. Perhaps schedule an activity out somewhere and invite all their male friends or schedule them at your house for the party. Perhaps the girls are having sleep-overs, princess parties or having their nails done and that is why they are not inviting your sons. Sounds like you might be disappointed that your sons are being excluded from the neighbor's parties. Perhaps you could plan some neighborhood activities for all to be included like at Halloween or an Easter egg hunt. Good luck!

The message is you have boys. You need to ask yourself why do you think this is a bad message. Is it because you have always felt superior to your neighbors because you include everyone? I would imagine if you were honest with yourself that is the reason and now your kids are growing up and want just boys.

Well they are growing up, this isn't going to change until they are or practically teens. Accept you were never better than your neighbors and let your boys have a normal birthday party.

An all boy party is just fine.
The message is: they are growing up.

I think by the time kids hit kindergarten or first grade, most have single gender parties. I can see how your boys are hurt by not being invited to the other parties, but I don't think that what your neighbors are doing is wrong. I also don't think there is wrong with your boys having all boy parties if that is truly what they want.

Your boys are old enough now to choose their own friends and choose who they want to invite to their parties. It's hard to accept some of the social changes, but it's pretty normal.

the kind of message it sends is that your boys want an all boy party lol. no worries and no one will be hurt. let them invite their friends. would you want your birthday party to be nothing but 8 year old boys? no because your an adult and want to invite your friends. let them invite their friends.

The last time my son had a party with both sexes was kindergarten, and that was only because he went to a private kinder with such a small class size we still invited the whole class. Now he has all boy parties (just had his third one this past fall), and not only do we not invite girls, we also don't invite all the boys in his class. We have some from preschool/kindergarten and some from each year at public school. But it comes down to HIM deciding who he wants at his party, with my restriction of guest list size.

I think you should have the party they want to have. Everyone needs to learn to choose friendships - living in the same neighborhood doesn't mean they all have to be friends and include everyone in everything. Being cordial and friendly doesn't mean socializing with the entire group all the time. I think it's fine if your boys play in the neighborhood but aren't invited to every birthday party, and I think it's fine if they do the same thing.

This "invite everyone" philosophy sounds good on paper, and I'm certainly not advocating that anyone be cruel to anyone else, but it's just insane to see the hoops people jump through trying to have a party for "the entire class" - it never ends, and it's too expensive, it gets so overdone that no one RSVPs because they think it's just a big crowd scene, and all the other complaints that you read about on Mamapedia. It turns into a giant gift exchange and a whole set of obligations, and then no one can get out of it!

It would be nice if things didn't always divide along gender lines, but sometimes it does. Encourage your boys to invite who they really want - let them use this time to evaluate who they enjoy (and that can vary based on the activity), and make some choices. In real life, not everyone gets invited to everything or chosen for everything, and not everyone is interested in every activity. We can celebrate our differences without being hurt or inflicting hurt. Your neighbors have made it clear that they don't feel an obligation to invite everyone all the time - and they may feel that the "theme" of their parties is not something your boys would enjoy. Right or wrong, it's not necessarily an exclusion out of cruelty or lack of sensitivity. In fact, they may feel it's MORE sensitive to not invite your boys to a Princess party or a My Little Pony party or whatever.

My advice is to keep parties small enough to manage and not so large that someone being omitted is a real slap in the face. We always followed the "age rule" - when you're 5, you invite 5 kids. When you're 7, you invite 7. (In your case, you don't have to count the brother as one of the kids if you don't want to.) But it keeps it small, makes it affordable for you, doesn't turn your social circle into "a party every week" kind of frenzy, keeps it from being a big "gift fest" and all the other problems associated with parties of 20 kids. Your kids can choose the activity they want (treasure hunt, movie party, swim party, pizza party, craft party) and just invite a few friends who would enjoy that particular activity. They don't have to invite the same kids every year. They can also have parties that don't relate to birthdays - just having kids over for a fun afternoon without the "gift and goody bag" scene.

We have a great neighborhood too, and we have one big block party every Labor Day with everyone (kids and adults) invited - it's a pot luck BBQ and we set up either in a big yard or in a quiet cul-de-sac. Beyond that, people have their own parties and invite the people they are friendly with, from inside and outside the neighborhood. No one gets offended.

I see nothing "wrong message" about boys preferring only boys at their party, or girls preferring only girls.

Enjoy it while you have it, soon enough they'll be making out on your couch!

;)

My kids have always made their own guest lists. I would just say you can have X number of friends this year who do you want to come? I don't make them invite anyone just because they are neighbors or are the kids of MY friends.
Also, I didn't make them invite everyone whose party they had ever been invited to, that would have been way too many kids!

You're caught between a rock and a hard place. You have the only 2 boys. A neighborhood of girls. Your boys would actually feel really out of place at an all girl party that someone else who is NOT a mother of boys puts together. They just don't know it. The moms don't know how to make a party that includes the boys.

If they want an all boy party, then you have to find a bunch of boys from outside of the neighborhood to do it. It's the same as if they don't have a neighborhood birthday party.

If I were you, I would do that. It will be more fun for them and open up their eyes to the single sex birthday party. What they shouldn't be doing is talking in terms of "no girls allowed". Instead, it's an "all boy party". And make it really boy-like.

If you are hard-nosed on them about not considering this a "no girls allowed" party, then it doesn't send a bad message. It's not their fault that they are the only boys in the neighborhood. When they have an all boy party, they will know why the girls like an all girl party. It's really that simple.

My boys only invite their friends to their parties, the friends that they play with regularly. These are the friends who come to our house to play and invite my kids to their houses. They do not invite the whole neighbourhood or the whole class at school. Although they occasionally invite a girl, most of the time their parties are all boys because boys like to play with other boys.

I would let them pick the friends they want to invite. The neighbors aren't going to feel slighted.

I have a boy and girl.
Both genders.
Their parties has always been, boys only or girls only.
But it is without any attitude or "exclusion" on their part or my part or anyone's part. And we never used the word "ONLY.... " girls or boys with them nor did they themselves. They never say no.boys.allowed, or no.girls.allowed.
They just do not think that way.
They have their buddies. That's it.
My kids are 7 and 11.

There does not have to be reciprocation, of parties.
I am sure it is not intentional.

Grown women have weekends with the girls and men have nights out with the boys. Nobody seems to think that's too exclusive.

Children have a stage in their development at which they concentrate on their own gender. It's a normal part of growing up. They do it for a while, then they tolerate the other gender, then they all become friends again.

It's not sending a huge social message for your boys to have an all-boy party. Go ahead and have it, and make it a good one. Since you are a very social family, have a big neighborhood party - EVERYONE invited - later in the year.

Huh. He wants all boys. Neighbor wants all girls. Guess I am not understanding what the question is. Why should your boys be invited to an all girls party. The message it is sending is that kids are capable of making their own decisions!!!

I had an issue when my daughter was turning 6 and we were making a guest list for a party. She wanted to invite several girls from her class but not all of them. We do not have a class list or contact info for the kids to invite them separate from school. I explained that it would hurt some of the kids feelings if they were not invited. But she was adamant about not wanting to invite about 5 girls. She is in a class of 30, 22 are girls so I am sure there are ones that she didnt want to come. I realized that it was her birthday and she should celebrate with the people she wanted. Because we couldnt determine a guest list w/o hurting feelings I offered an alternative. Instead of paying for a birthday party we could stay a night at the Disneyland hotel and eat at goofy's kitchen and spend the day at the pool. She had her bday off of school so it worked out nice to get a great rate in the off season and the so cal weather was still perfect. We took her 1 buddy along and had a great day. She didn't even miss having a party but felt very special on her day.
It is fine for kids to want to do an all boy party. I am sure the neighbors dont intend on offending them. But on your kid's special day I think its ok for them to call most of the shots.

They want to invite who they want to invite. And if they are a little older, their ACTUAL friends (not friendly neighbors) are boys. Let them. They are possibly at the age that they don't want to play with girls. Don't make them just because you think they "should".

As usual, I'm a lone wolf. I see your point. You have the only boys in the block. They hear and see the party fun, they feel excluded.

I think the moms should get a clue and invite your boys even if it means they sit in the den with the dads and play wii while the girls are in a separate room painting their nails.

Your boys are only desirous of the all-boy party out of 'tit for tat.'

I'd invite the girls and verbally tell the moms that since it's such a small neighborhood, you did not want the girls to see a party and be left out. Hopefully, they'd get the hint!

A pretty common one.

My bday parties were all girls once I turned about 6. I didn't want icky boys around.
It sounds pretty normal to me.

It's not an exclusion it is just that the other moms feel better about having girl parties because that is all they know.

If you sons have friends in Cub Scouts or karate classes or such, invite them. It might be a good idea to start to widen your circle of friends outside the neighborhood.

You haven't said how old your boys are.

In my neighborhood there were two boys on the block for a long time after my kids grew up and moved on that were older than the rest of the kids. My block has only had about ten kids on the block in 20 some years. So do count your blessings.

Bedminster is a nice area in Jersey. In fact I think my dad was born there back in the early 20th century.

Don't sweat the small stuff and enjoy your boys in an all girl neighborhood.

the other S.

I let my kids invite who they want, it's their birthday not mine. I don't get involved at all, other than setting limits on how many kids, due to space and budget.

You didn't say how old the boys are, but we only have girls for my dd's parties since kindergarten. I think that's very common...boys like certain themes and girls like others.

Abslutely have a boys only party!!! AND it should be the biggest and baddest party that neighborhood has ever seen. If any one of those parents ask about the party and if their little ones are invited say

"I'm sorry, since xxxx didn't invite the boys to their party last month we figured they didn't want to socialize with our guys anymore so we've invited their friends from xxxxx and nnnn".

I get where you are coming from. I would just frame it as asking my son who he would like to invite, full stop. OK, Johnny, you may invite 10 people to your party. Who would you like to invite? If it is all boys, so be it. I would also want to avoid labelling the party as "no girls allowed," that just doesn't sit well with me. I would rather focus on the friends and developing a fun theme and letting the guest list chips fall where they may! I would drive myself nuts if I tried keeping track of who reciprocated party invites and who didn't :)

I'm guessing the kids they probably hang around with the most and are their friends are boys and they only want to invite their friends because they want to hang out with who they are comfortable and they know they can have fun with their friends. Besides the party is for your sons not the neighbors. Not sending a message at all.

ETA...I only think it would be rude if you had a neighborhood party specifically and then didn't invite only certain people from your neighborhood. My son only invites his friends to b-day parties not the whole neighborhood cause they live close. Keeps costs down for me and it's just plain easier. When he happened to be close with some neighbor kids we invited just those kids but now that he's in middle school he has a larger circle of friends from different areas of the county so it's not a neighborhood thing anymore.

It's your BOY's birthday party. Let them have a party with all boys. I don't understand the problem.
My boys have always JUST invited boys and I have never cared, not one bit.
L.

I think that is fine. Most boys just invite their best buddies from school so it ends up being all boys. And ditto for girls. I tell my kids they are allowed to invite x number of friends and let them choose. If they pick say one brother but not the other, or one good friend in their group of 3, then I talk to them about being fair and we make sure no one is left out. But we don't invite all the neighbors. I just let my kids invite about 5-8 kids that are their best friends.

My daughter always had mixed gender parties. Until she hit school age. Then most of her friends were girls. I miss the mixed gender parties, but I don't want to force her to have to invite someone that isn't a really good friend. She still has friends who are boys, but they aren't her closest friends anymore. Now our party sizes are dropping from inviting everyone at daycare to just inviting a couple of her closest friends. She doesn't want more. I'm anticipating that a similar thing will happen for my son after he starts school. Personally, I like the smaller parties. Not as much stress! And a lot cheaper!!

It's his party. Let him decide who to invite. Just be sure to keep you no exclusion rule - but just all boys.

After about 7, the single sex parties tend to be the norm in my experience. My older child was a tomboy so she always wanted to do things that boys clamored for invites to (go karts, rock-climbing wall, snow tubing).