Seeking Help on Discipline

Hi K.,
It's obvious that both little angels are going through a lot right now, with the co-mingling of your two "famlies." Shame on you for punishing them in any way! This is not something they consiously set out to do!! They are to little to manipulate things like this.
Both little ones feel like they aren't gaining a NEW parent, they now have to SHARE the one they have. What little
kid of any age, wants to share their parent? Especailly if the only have ONE custodial parent. Sounds like SOMEONE (two of them) are a little jealous, and competative. And, they are to young to do this consciously!
To start with, I would definately find a way so they are NOT in the same daycare class. That is going to be TO MUCH TOGETHERNESS.
Instead of punishing them (shame on you!!) each one of you ADULTS needs to spend a LOT of quality time (lots of hugs and story reading and bonding)with their own little princess, so she KNOWS that she is the love of YOUR life and that she is special. She is YOUR favorite! Each one needs to KNOW that they do not have to COMPETE with the other little girl for THEIR own parent's attention!!
Then, you need to spend some quality time with HIS little one, and he needs to spend some quality time with YOUR little one. (Lots of hugs and story reading and bonding) Let them know that you BOTH love them...both. As long as they are BOTH getting attention, they will not have to COMPETE for it.
Try to limit the time they spend together, until they get use to the idea of being a family. They may be little but they can sense changes going on. It wouldn't hurt to talk to them and tell them what is going on, (as simply as possible) and tell YOUR child will always be YOUR first priority.
(NOT to say that you should not treat or love both little angels equally, as they grow up.)
How nice to have a sister!!! If you do not find a way to fix this now, imagine what this will be like in TEN YEARS!! These two will either love each other, and be close and share everything including secrets....or it will be the war of the worlds at your house.
One big thing you can do in a child's life, is tell them a million times a day that you love them and that they are a good kid, and a smart kid. It will make them a more secure
adult.
Good luck K.! Congratulations on your upcoming wedding ?? and new family.
Always,
L. b

There is a great book you should read called “Why gender matters.” that would help you with a lot of parenting issues. Also, it sounds like those two girls are acting like puppy siblings act - they’ve formed a ‘pack’ where they are acting out together and generally feeding off each other. Particularly, they’re both acting out trying to gain top dog status. First, I’d suggest you and your fiancé taking your respective daughters aside alone and say things like “your behavior makes me sad” or “your behavior is making the teachers sad” or “don’t you feel sad when so and so does that to you?” something along those lines. This is discipline by calling upon their basic female compassion. Then tell them that they need to set a good example for their new sister, which will hopefully give them a way to try to be top dog in a good way, instead of by being ‘the baddest’. It is important to do this one on one, and they’re so little they won’t compare notes later, so each thinks they’re being given special instructions to be the good example. Hopefully they will try to out-compete each other with goodness! Then, the third thing you could do is take away privileges - which you’ve already tried to do with taking away the bears - but the privilege they love the best, obviously, is being together, so you tell them if they keep acting out, they won’t be able to play together. You’ll have to get the daycare on board with it for daytime, which might not be possible, but mostly it will really be an effective threat at home, where there isn’t anyone else to play with. If they have a bad day at school, when you pick them up you can tell them that they can’t be together at home (and follow through of course, no matter how difficult), and I bet they’ll get the message quick.

Good luck - and I wish you happiness and harmony in the future for your new family.

My son did this too when he was about 4 1/2 (right around when my second was born). Discipline didn't work at all. Instead, he REALLY responded to positive reenforcement. It happened purely by accident one day. I was cleaning up, and he started helping me without my having to ask. I was shocked, so I gave him a big hug and said thank you. After that, his behavior for the day was perfect. I was floored.

Everyday after that, I'd try to find something to praise him for (though it was REALLY hard to find something positive some days!) :P or I'd ask him to do something small for me, and then turned it into a big to-do when he completed it. That really made the difference, and his attitude turned right around.

If the girls are always together at school, maybe once at home, separate them and have you and your fiance do one-on-one time for a little bit. Then the next time, swap girls (I'm not sure how often you have them both). It could be something as simple as setting the table for supper, or helping put the linens in the closet once they're folded. Making little games out of house chores is a great way to get things done AND have fun bonding. :) Don't worry. It seems like this goes on forever, but eventually it will pass. :)

I'm not really sure but by watching all the Nanny programs they say it's children calling out for one on one time, use stickers or sticker board for good behavior or getting down to their level and simply ask why the bad behavior... with no pressures kids are pretty smart at their age. Another could be some family changes going on and the attention isn't on him or her. Hmm. Good Luck!

From my limited experience, and the wonderful support of my two sisters:
"It is a phase. Be consistent. They will outgrow it."
We all agreed: ages 2-5 are "the terrible twos," and they can occur any time.

Instead of disciplining bad behavior maybe they might react to rewarding good behavior? Another poster talked about Nanny 911 and the sticker boards. I have seen other parents use this (mine is still too little!) and it has been effective. Something along the lines of the child would get a sticker each day for good behavior at day care, a sticker for taking naps, etc. Then when they earn so many stickers they get to pick a fun activity that the family can do together, or get a new toy, or something else special. You could have weekly "treats" that are less costly like a trip to get ice cream, a special movie, a picnic in the park, etc. And/or you could do a big monthly treat like a trip to a waterpark or Chuck E Cheeses or something.

I was thinking too that this system might also make the girls a little competitive where they might feed off each other to do WELL, rather than feeding off each other to display bad behavior. If one girl has earned 5 stickers and the other only 3, she might want to catch up to her sister so she too can have a special something!

Good luck with your little angels and good luck with your wedding!

I agree. Sometimes simply showing them the "physical" power you have reminds them of the other parental powers you have, such as rule of the roost so to speak. It is like a NON painful, non interacting physical intervention. I am not a spanker or anything like that, so don't think that is what I mean by PHYSICAL intervention...just mean that showing them you have the physical power to remove things from their private place tends to remind them of the other powers or parental controls you have. It has worked with both my 6 yr old dtr and 3 yr old son. Good Luck!

Our daughter is 3 1/2, doesn't care much about any toys she has so we don't have much leverage with her sometimes. We've started taking things out of her room. For some reason, it really bothers her when the stuff is actually removed from her room. Start with the big stuff that really means alot to them and if all they have left is a bed, then so be it. We never get to that point, but I'm prepared to go that far!
Good Luck
C.