Helping 3 Year Old Adjust...

I have not personally been in a situation like this before and I am not trying to judge. But maybe it would be best if you waited until you were offically married before he moves in. Just a thought....best of luck.

I am sure you are getting lots of helpful advice, so I apologize if I repeat anything that you have already read. Your son is 3, at this age-they are very aware of the situations around them. Sit down with him and tell him what you and your fiance want. Make him aware that you are wanting to be a family. Explain to him that the fiance is not taking over for daddy. That his father will still be a part of your lives. Let him pick the day and time you move in together. Make him be a part of the transition. Use a calendar to count down and cross off the days. Give him a special reward or date day with mom after the transition. Letting him help you move will hopefully be a fun experience. Kids actually like to be treated more grown up than we are used to allowing them to be. Hope this helps.

I work in family law and we routinely send clients to a counselor. This counselor has said over and over again in situations such as yours that you have to do what is best for you (and your family) and the child needs to realize that the adults make the decisions. According to the counselor the kids will adapt to the situation but will act out for anywhere from a few months to a few years. The only advice she gives is to have a conversation with the child indicating that boyfriend is moving in, boyfriend will become husband and stay permanently and child's opinion is important but that mom is going to do something to make mom happy. However, that being said, I think your son is too young for this approach. The only thing I can think of is to have a lot of group activities and one on one activities between boyfriend/fiance and your child and make sure that the father isn't making negative comments about the situation. Good luck.

Speaking from no personal experience on this, but trying to imagine how my 3 year old nephew would react (his father died when he was 9 months old)...

I would suggest giving your son as much consistency in his daily routine as possible: your fiance should either stay over night ALL the time or NONE of the time, so your son can learn to count on him being there.

It also sounds like your son needs his "Me and Mom" time, so also be sure to consistently give him that time each day. Like, maybe bath time is always me and mom time, so he can look forward to that each day.

And finally, like others suggested, give son time with fiance 1-on-1... McDonalds, the park, something that your son really loves.

Best of luck!

He is only three-years-old, but he sounds like a bright and protective little boy. His behavior is a direct effect to the changes in his life.

My advice:

Never pretend to be married if you are not. This being said, either get married or don't move in together. If you are already engaged, then follow through now. Don't have him stay at your house until he is a step-dad and husband. This will teach your son about commitment, patience, self-control and most importantly, love. I wish you the best future with your upcoming marriage and new family unit!

I would agree with the poster who suggested waiting until you're married to move in together. The less disruption to your child's life, the better, and this way you'll have more time for your fiance to build a relationship with your child. You'll have time for family counseling, and you'll have time to be sure that your boyfriend is absolutely The One.

I think taking your time will really help. Try to take the long view, that these things take time, to lessen your stress. Good luck!

I went threw the same thing with my kids..They were 5 and 2 when I met my (now) husband...Kids watch VERY closely...and they warm up after time...(It will take some time) So just tell your soon to be Hubby to be patient...Your boy will come around and see the PERKS of having him close by..It will just take a while..All I can say is make sure he does things alone with your son..(that helps) and make sure you do things has a family and that will make it smoother...I wish I had some magic that said it will be easy when he moves it..It's a LONG process...and make sure on the short tempered days you are there for BOTH the guys in your life..It WILL get easier

Maybe it would help if your son and your fiance bonded a bit more. Have your fiance take your son on some short, fun play dates. They could go to McDonald's, to the local pool, the park, anything you think your son might enjoy. This would be good for both your son and your fiance. Ask your son for his input. Make him feel like he has a say in the matter.
Good luck!

I'm in the exact same boat, but with a 7yr.old girl and I'll tell ya it's stressful. My daughter loves my fiance too but also feels like she's lost control and is jealous. Also first guy she's really been introduced to or had a relationship with.

We've all ended up in counseling over this which has helped. When my daughter is naughty I have to immediately step in and punish her naughty behavior but I also have to watch how I do this and my fiance has had to learn he can't stoop to my daughter's level and he has to be the bigger person. When she's mean to him it's usually for a reason like she wants attention or is jealous.

Try and spend alone time with your son just the two you and make sure at some point during the day all 3 of you do something family orientated that your son enjoys. Make him the center of both your attention.

It's definately hard my daughter and I were just the two of us for 6.5 years, she slept in my bed every night and we are really really close. It takes alot of time and patience but for us it's gradually gotten better.

My daughter was 3 and my son 4 months when my husband and I started dating. It was difficult at times for my 3 year old to adjust to the idea of having him around. Nothing really helped except for time. Time she needed to be reasurred that he was sticking around. Luckily for me my kids already knew him prior, but it is very tough. Give your child time.

One thing my kids loved when we "finally" got married was that we involved them in the ceremony by giving them rings as well. It was no just my husband and I that joined, it was all 4 of us. They really enjoyed being part of it. Good luck to you.

I say finally because we dated for 5 years, before getting married!! His choice, not mine. LOL

To be honest with you, I'd just have him move in, get into the paces of being a family and move on. Sometimes I think people worry too much about what a child thinks and then that stress, and hearing you make a big deal about it, leads them to stress or try to control the situation because they think that they are all of the sudden in control. I also think that letting a child think that they have a choice/choices in this situation just leads them to stress because they have to try and figure out what they want.
We have adopted kids and they have come into our home and had 2 new parents and new siblings. We didn't make a big deal about adjusting or whether or not it was going to work out, and neither did they. Everything has always went just fine.
I really think that too many people make things into traumatizing situations because they overthink things.
Not ripping on you here at all, I just read a lot of the responses and am in shock that so many people think that something like this is such a big deal. People come and go and situations/schedules change in your life and that's what happens. If you teach him that new people and new situations are something to be super stressed about then that's going to be how he copes with things. Even with things like starting school. The Mom that cries her eyes out and constantly talks about how worried she is about this new situation for her child usually ends up with the child that has the same reaction. If the parent is stressing about it then the child will to.
Be excited about this new transition and he will be too. Tell him how excited you are and how much fun it will be.
Congrats on your engagement,
J.
Mom to 5 and hopefully more :o)

There isn't really a way to "ease into" this unless you're willing to wait years for your son to adjust. The problem isn't that he feels like he's lost control. Kids don't look to be in control, they look to feel important and wanted. They want to know what is expected of them in a situation and they want to know that you haven't forgotten about them even when someone new joins the picture. If it were me, I'd go ahead and have the fiance move in. But, in doing that, you should also set aside family time for the three of you where your son is included and gets both your attention, as well as times when both you and your fiance spend some time alone with your son. He needs to know that he's not just important and loved by you, but also by your fiance and that both of you are making him a priority. When he acts out, make sure you're offering appropriate punishments (timeouts-1 minute/year of age-so 3 minutes for your son, taking away a favorite activity or toy for a short period of time). After each punishment, make sure you're sitting down with him to explain why he was punished and to let him know that even though he was naughty, you still love him. Your son is just feeling unsure of himself and his place in the situation and it's just going to take time, patience, and reassurance to help him adjust to it.

Make sure you have one on one time with your child and maybe your fiance can too. You know playing ball, going for a walk- just reading a book to him. When the two of you go out on dates sometimes take him with- like a kids movie, dinner, bowling or the park.
Being a blended family is not easy. It is one of the hardest things to do. It takes balance and understanding from ALL parties involved. Divorce rates are high for those in blended families. TRy reading books on step parenting and blended families. Also counseling would be good.
There are going to be times when your fiance will feel rejected by your son. He just has to keep being there for your little no matter what. It will pay off in the long run. Your son is going to test him to see if he will leave. He wants to know if he can trust this man. Kids are pretty forgiving, just be as consistaant with him as you can.
I was with my husband a year before we moved in together and another year before we were married. I too had children that I needed to be concerned about. Let your little guy know your boyfriend a little better before you move in. We went on family dates as well as time alone. You little man needs to know that he is a part of the bigger picture.
Good luck!
P.S. Don't be surprised if your child one day says "you are not my dad and I don't have to listen to you". It happens to the best of step-parents.

Perhaps family counseling before the wedding is in order. You don't offer much information on how your son is acting out, and what sorts of things he is saying to your fiance. Other information that might be helpful for you in assessing the situation is to consider; when and under what circumstnaces the two were introduced, and what type of interaction the two have when they are together and how much are they together.

From what you do share with us, it sounds like your son and fiance have had significant interaction with each other for some time. I find it interesting that you say their relationship is "great", but on the same token, you imply that your son is "suddenly" acting out in uncharacteristic and "controlling" ways. When talking about toddler behavior, sudden changes in my book is a red flag that something is off or really wrong. I personally would want to know why my son is suddenly acting this way, and would wonder if something happend when I wasn't around. Kids are very intuitive. Maybe he's worried about something.

The question I have here is whether this assessment that your son is having "control" issues is your own, or your fiance's? I think it's real important to determine where this assessment comes from and objectively as possible, focus on what your son has been trying to tell you in his limited toddler-way, versus focusing on what your fiance may be "projecting or internalizing" about your son's behavior.

While I agree toddlers are big into control and testing limits, I don't think a 3-year-old has the sophistocation or the ability to grasp adult relationships at a level where they'd know to use "control" to affect outcomes. Even if that control is in the form of name-calling, violent behavior, or even acting withdrawn and moody. Toddlers are more simplistic than that...they react to situations and people in basics such as whether or not someone makes them uncomfortable, whether or not someone is taking up mommy's time, whether or not someone is nice or mean, and respond accordingly.

He's clearly trying to communicate something to you, but doesn't know how and to complicate things, he has a grown man who can and may be doing the explaining for him by taking things personally and letting you know.

I suspect this mood change with your son, and your fiance's complaints about it, are bigger than you are able to comprehend. If you look at the big picture for what it is; this is more than a change in living arrangements, it boils down to a competition for you, and your affection and attention.

As you move forward, I think more than anything, you need to up communication with your son, and read his body language and words as objectively as possible. Ask him how he feels about the other guy, and whether you like what he has to say or not, accept it. Maybe something happened between them that you don't know about, such as your fiance disciplined him or unknowingly said something or did something that hurt him. Maybe he feels you're not spending enough one-on-one time with him and he's having abandonment issues. Maybe you need to tell him your fiance can never replace his real dad.

You can't control your son's feelings, nor make him like this guy. You son has a right to feel what he's feeling and should be allowed to feel what he's feeling within reason. What you can do is to keep the channels of communication open or risk losing your son's trust in your and perhaps breach his sense of security.

As for your fiance, I think it odd that a grown man who has the ability to reason that a child, that is not his son, might be troubled by this pending change, would jump to conclusions and "take things personally." I'd call this red flag number two, and start looking into where this type of reaction and reasoning is going to lead in the future concerning your son and his well-being. What's the motive here? What's he so insecure about?

If he's going to make things work here, he needs to have no expectations of your son to ever like him. This is a privilege that takes time, understanding, is the kind of trust that has be earned, and is not a right (presto-dad) that comes with the marriage. Afterall, the marriage is between you and your fiance..your son is along for the ride. And while your fiance is also promising to care for and raise your son, he must remember always, that he is not your son's biological father and should respect that.

Continue to encourage your fiance to be patient, tolerant, and to not to expect so much emotionally speaking, from your son. Your son may or may not ever come around. But I do know if your fiance starts reacting and acting out to your son's behavior, their relationship will be doomed.

Peace will eventually come when you, yourself, can be the neutralizing force in this trio, by listening to your son, avoid taking sides with either your son or fiance, and not choosing one over the other when it comes to time and affection.

This is important now, because the dynamics will get more complicated when and if you and your fiance eventually have children together. You want to avoid your son developing feelings of abandonment or replacement and it starts now.

If you can't find resolve, I'd strongly encourage family counseling and sooner than later.

I think you've got to validate your son's feelings and at the same time always keep in mind that children need to sense that the adults have the ultimate authority. In other words, let your son express his feelings but do not let him exercise authority over you and your fiance. Good luck and congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

Your new partner needs to realize that HE is the key to your son's adjusting to his being in both of your lives. He should start NOW reading a book or two on BLENDED FAMILIES and parenting.

If he doesn't read some books, don't let him move in... it means that he is a lazy partner and will not do either of you any good.

Regardless of how much you two like/love each other T., what children lose trust in is adults who leave. Until you are sure that this guy won't leave - or that you won't kick him out - you should hold on and not live together.

It takes a good two to three years for the reality of a relationship to materialize. You have no idea how the two of you will respond to stress of all kinds until you have gone through a few years of problems together (and life has it's problems...).

Go carefully forward and look for cues from this guy. His willingness to read parenting books and to implement their strategies on behalf of his relationship with your son will be a BIG clue as to who he really is when you get down to it.

T. - from personal experience. I think one of the best ways is to have alone time with the fiance and your son. Ask your fiance to take your son to the park by themselves and maybe stop off for ice-cream on the way home. It doesn't have to be a day long venture - an hour or 2 to start is great. This is not only good for your son but for the new step-daddy too. He can get used to the idea of being a "dad" and the son will have to engage in activity and conversation without your input for an hour or so. Maybe the following week, ask the fiance and son to run to the store for you and pick up a couple things, milk - bread - eggs ... and maybe the fiance will grab a special treat for after dinner that the 2 of them pick out together.

Good luck - don't expect an overnight change but I think this is a good way for them to have alone time to get to know each other better.

Has your ex met the fiance? Perhaps dad can encourage his son by saying - I hear "Fred" is a pretty nice guy and he really likes you and Mommy - what do you think of Fred?" This will show that Dad likes him too and approves of Mom's choice.

Good Luck!
Blessings Always,
D.

Do you think it's possible he is worried that your fiance is taking time away from the two of you? He has been used to this since he's been one and a half. Maybe this could be a jealousy thing, such like a new sibling coming into the picture. Have you had a talk with him letting him know that even though your fiance is in the picture, does not mean you won't love him any less. He could be acting out because of some fears and you could have a Mom to Son talk.

I also like the idea someone gave about your fiance taking him to McD's or somewhere fun of your son's choice. This could be some bonding time to show your son how much your fiance likes him as much as he does mommy... and for your son to see and understand why mommy likes him :)

I wish you well in however you decide to handle this. This must be very difficult for you, and I hope it resolves itself soon.

Good luck,
SR