Seeking Advice on Relations with Inlaws

You have perfectly legitimate needs. You have an obligation to your child and to yourself to honor those needs. You have every right to protect your health, to be realistic about your budget, and to take care of your precious daughter's health and safety. Once you take your needs seriously, an expensive trip across country with a small child to spend time in the home of people with unhealthy habits seems pretty absurd, doesn't it?

Of course, complications arise around feelings. Feeling obligated, feeling guilt, feeling afraid of how others will see you, and trying to take responsibility for your husband's and in-laws' feelings. The good and bad news is, you can't be responsible for them. No matter what you do, you will always run the risk of offending or hurting the feelings of people you scarcely know. So my suggestion is that you get really clear about what you and your daughter actually need, and stick with that.

Of course you want your husband to be happy and get his needs met, too. You might gently ask him what he really needs – to jump through his parents' "guilt" hoops, thus setting himself up for repeat performances in the future, or to be an effective, responsible dad and mate. He's in a tough spot with his parents. You can acknowledge that, and support him in taking a stand for sanity.

It's possible, even easy, to tell people what you need, simply, clearly, and powerfully, by saying some version of, "Mom and Dad, I hear that you would like John and me to come across country to visit you. It's sweet that you want to meet your grandchild and spend time with us, but no. That will not work for us." Don't start giving all your reasons. They will be seen as excuses, and the in-laws will ramp up the pressure. Simply say no, you won't do it. (Try saying that to a mirror, and see how good it feels!)

Then renew your invitation to have them come and visit you. Be warm and sincere. They indicated a willingness to travel to you once, so it is probably not beyond their means.

Go ahead and be the heavy, H.. The world won't end. If you can let go of your worry about being seen as unloving, you might be surprised to discover the sanity and delight of being loving in the most responsible way, to yourself and your child, and in the process, to your husband.

If you honestly want opinions...I say support your husband and go on the trip. You may be "uncomfortable" for a few days but I'm sure you are capable mother who will keep your daughter safe, and staying in a hotel is a great idea. Obviously they aren't ideal grandparents, but they are your husband's parents and I imagine it's important to him that they see their grandchild. And if they are along in years AND alcoholics they aren't going to be around for long. And then you might wish you'd made an effort. I'd give anything for another day with my mother in law, as annoying as she used to be. Good luck with whatever you decide.

H.,
As a marriage and family therapist, I just wanted to really encourage the boundaries you & your husband are setting! The hotel option seems very reasonable (and definitely not worthy of a 'you hate us' response..)
I also noticed how many things you are willing to set aside to make this visit happen: your comfort, allergies, safety, finances... Now I think we are talking about your guilt!
And, you are making excuses for their alcoholism ("they feel rejected"). His parents have made certain choices in life; now they have to live with the consequences.. some of those consequences include the boundaries you are trying to create.
And yes, they are probably going to blame you for all of this-Alcoholics rarely take responsiblity for their own actions.

Alcoholics also tend to play the guilt or "poor me" card-- Your husband has most likely had to emotionally take care of his parents most of his life; this will be difficult for him to move away from. However, this process of differentiation is very important to his well-being.
It might be a useful exercise to create together the boundaries you would both like to set. Then predict all the responses from his parents, and set a clear boundary there, too. Then take a look at what emotion comes up when the boundary is set ("I feel guilty when I say that"). Do some self-soothing, and replace that message with a more accurate, cognitive one ("I am keeping my 8 month old safe")

You are right, this is sticky.. remind your husband that you are both on the same team, and there are solutions!
Good luck.

Hi H.,
Instead of spending the money on airfare to Flordia... maybe offer to fly them up to see you guys?
It would show that you really want to see them. It should also take care of the allergy issue with her smoking.
The best thing you can do is be supportive of your husband. He really should be the one to talk to his parents.
Best of luck to you...
MJ

I think what you should worry about is you and your family (husband and daughter), you have to do what is best for them/you. Even though your inlaws may not agree or support. And if they continue to give you grief explain what you are doing, and they can try to make your visit pleasant considering the circumstances or miserable because it is all about them. I have similar problems with my inlaws, and until i laid down the law and respectfully "stood" up to them they continued to interfere in our lives. There is a little more respect now, they haven't changed their distructive ways but maybe they realize they were causing problems in our marriage. And i don't think most parents want that for their kids.

Times are financially tight, why try to make a trip you can't afford and have to be uncomfortable doing?
All your concerns are reasonable. I would just make sure to keep to communaction lines open with your husband.

If they want to meet their grandaughter, they will just have to get it togehter long enough to hop on a plane.

I have similar problems with my husband's family. We have been together 13 years and married 11 of them. We always have to visit them and even when we do they do not take the time off of work, we spent thousands of dollars to see them and barely got to see them. We let them know months in advance we were coming and they said come. So now we just don't waste our vacation money on them. Our daughter is now 7 and we are saving to go to Disney land. His family lives in Nashville, Tennessee and we live in Hillsboro, Oregon.

Honestly, I would just save your money for a vaction you, your husband and your beautiful daughter will enjoy and can afford. I promise you won't regret it.

You and your husband should go to an al-anon meeting as soon as possible. It will help you set some boundaries, take care of yourselves and deal with the challenges of addicts.

I too have challenging inlaws and I've had to be really clear about what I can and cannot do. Sometimes I give in for the sake of my husband, but in general our marriage and our child come first. It's a tough thing to do, but really important.

Wow, this is a tough one and I completely empathize because we have an equally dysfunctional relationship with my mother (who is a heavy smoker and verbally abusive) ... when we last visited her in spring 2008, we stayed in a hotel. Being united with your husband is critical, and try to let him take the lead with his folks. People like this (and my mother) will try to get you into a discussion of "why" (and they can be pretty darn sneaky about it), but my advice is to do your best to stick to the vague party line you and your husband have agreed upon (even if it's "Yeeeahh, this is just the way we want to do it. Uh huh. I hear what you're saying. Yeah, this is just the way we want to do it." Unfortunately, I wish I had been given this same advice when my own mother came to visit us when my first daughter was 2 months old! When we went to visit my mother earlier this year (with a 1.5 year old and another on the way), we stuck to what I described and it went a lot better.

H.,

Sounds like you know what is best for you and your child, you're just looking for some support. And there are obviously quite a few women supporting your decision to stay at a hotel and some to even stay home.

In direct answer to your questions though, in my experience dealing with alcoholics there is nothing that can be done to rectify the situation and talking to them would most likely make the situation worse. They sound irrational if they're jumping to the whole 'you don't love me' card -- you are flying to florida with an 8 month old when you're on a tight budget... it's because you love them, well your husband does ;)

I agree with the other ladies that said to stay united with your husband. Maybe talk to him about that as if he took their side trying to be nice or stayed the night with them and not you, you may harbor some resentment. So be open with your honey and you'll make it through!

I think you should let you husband handle the situation.

I say stick to your guns. Get a motel room while you are visiting. You dont need to be around the ciggarette smoke and your baby sure doesnt either. THe baby also doesnt need to be exposed to all the drinking, while he may not be old enough to understand yet, he will still see it. If you need to explain to them how you feel, explain that your sorry that they feel rejected, but you cant be around it for obvious health reasons and the baby doesnt need to be around it either. If they cant understand that, then I would say let the husband go by himself.

If you need some support, I'd recommend you call Dr. Laura (1-800-DRLAURA) but I can pretty much guarantee that she'll tell you that you need to protect your baby and yourself. Your husband, you and your child are the family unit you and your husband should be most concerned with.

I honestly don't think your in-laws are so much feeling rejected as they are used to manipulating those around them. Addicts don't respect valid concerns presented by their loved ones - and your in laws don't seem to respect your need to stay in a hotel. They are trying to manipulate you and your husband into doing something you know is not in the best interest - and that is NOT something loving, caring grandparents would do.

I think you should let your husband handle his parents. There is nothing you can do to improve this situation. (Because the only thing his parents will allow to "rectify the situation" is if you bow down and do everything they want.

I can totally relate! My hubby's parents live in Montana; we live in Oregon. Our reasons for not being able to stay with them are different, nonetheless, we can no longer stay at their house when we visit. At first I know they were upset with me, because I was the one who drew the line in the sand. But over the last couple years, we have proven ourselves to them. We have shown them that we are able to come to town, stay in a motel (can't afford hotel) and spend lots of quality time with them. We go to their place after breakfast and stay all day or run around doing things with them or other family nearby, and we head back to our motel when it's time for the little oned to bed-down. We base the entire schedule on the kids not on anything the in-laws do or don't do.

When your in-laws start drinking, you say to your husband, "Honey, the baby is starting to look tired, we should probably get back to the hotel." You give hugs all around. Make the baby give hugs and blow kisses. Take a couple more pictures and head out promising to be back right after breakfast in the morning. Exagerate what a good time you are having with them. Say how you love seeing them with their grandbaby. Paint it all rosey and save the griping for the trip home! Your kid needs to have a relationship with their grandparents within boundaries. Those boundaries don't have to be expressed. They can just be there in other ways.

Who knows, maybe holding their grandbaby will help heal their souls in some way and motivate them to sober up.

H.,
This is a tough situation. The other advice you've received regarding letting your husband take the lead with his parents makes sense. He knows them and anything that might make the situation better - or worse. Sending lots of photos with short notes will keep them in touch. Find a nice Christmas card (or other holiday card) with a recordable chip in it and have your daughter jabber into the card. You can write the translation for them, but they will treasure that card.

When the time does come for a visit, again, the advice of a hotel is good. Everyone needs their own space and some "alone time". Use your daughter's morning and evening routines as the reason. I'm sure that when she starts and ends her day the same way, she's a much happier and reeceptive little girl.

Good luck, F.

If you do visit whether you go there or they come here then use a hotel, that way you can still have your evenings and unwind time and if they want to have some drinks they still can and you won't have to worry about them. Have you husband say that you are doing it this way because kids can be tiring and everyone will want the extra time to rest and be ready for the next day or something like that.
Your baby will feel stressed if you are otherwise she will be fine. People actually grow up in these environments and are perfectly ok, maybe your husband was one of them since he is their kid and you seem to think he is ok. How often did your husband visit his parents before you came into the picture? If more often then he does now that you are here then that might be why they feel the hostility towards you and you seem to be pretty judgemental at least in the info you gave us, why would you think they would hurt each other? I would think if they have made it to their 70's and haven't then they are probably not going to now. My inlaws drink too, that is the norm for them since they did high end entertaining for years, I choose not to and that is the norm for me we are just different, my husband doesn't drink when it is just us but when his Dad is around he does some and that is ok he is an adult. Wallstreet can be a stressful job and a lot of people would have drinks at the end of the day so that might be what started the evening drinks. I am sure your husband is caught between you guys because he probably didn't think much of it until you made it out to be a problem. Are your parents perfect in every way and have no faults of thier own and they do everything perfect raising kids so your daughter can go over as often as they wish? Do a little role reversing here, how would you feel if your husband did not want your daughter to see your parents for some reason. Take an allergy pill and bite the bullet and let the in-laws see their family. If you really can't handle it then stay home and let your husband and daughter go. You should not be the one to speak to them about this period, let your husband talk to his parents.

I think the best thing you can do in a situation like this is to make sure that you and your husband are united in what you do with them. I am sure it is hard for your husband that his parents have not met their grandchild....but it will only get worse if he is saying one thing and you are saying/thinking another. And honestly, they are adults....alcoholics, or not, they are free to come and visit you, and it makes no sense to make you guys who have much less money and an 8 mo. old travel 5 hours by plane so that they can meet their grandchild. Don't let the guilt trips work on you and your husband. Remember that this is a decision THEY are making, not you. And try not to take offense, it is how they are choosing to live their lives. I have an alcoholic sister, and I know it is hard to understand why she lives her life that way....there is just no understanding it. But I can certainly not enable her by making everything easier for her, because she is not capable. Same thing in your situation. I am sure your in-laws know they could come...but it would require sobering up for a week, and if they are not willing to do that for the sake for their son and his newborn child, then you both need to let it be, until he decides he is ready. There is my advice to you! Sorry it is so wordy! I feel for you, I know you're in a tough situation. Just make sure you and your husband are in agreeance with it all!

Some in-laws just need to be in control and have a hard time seeing their child as an adult, that the paradigm will always be parent-child regardless of how old the child becomes or their place in life. Stick to your guns. Do not stay at their home if you plan on visiting them. You will be able to maintain your baby's routine much better in that environment. Being around smokers when you don't smoke and then coupled with a sensitivity to the smoke is painful. It's not an environment that's healthy. My brother has this problem with his in-laws and he and his oldest child end up with a headache that lasts 4 days after their visit. While you may want your in-laws to see your new baby, sometimes distance serves a very useful purpose, especially if alcohol plays a prominent part in their lives. Think of what could happen if they would insist on their granddaughter spending the night or weekend with them? Not a warm fuzzy feeling. Your relationship would be strained at best, including the one with your husband, no matter how close you are, they're still his parents. I wish you well. Get a video camera and send them clips of her, often, so they don't feel left out and they can do the same, send video letters to her. It will help.

H.,

I am in a similar situation with my in-laws. Alcoholism and general "weirdness" included. I guess what conclusion I came to was that although it was sad that we don't have a real relationship with them, it is their loss. We don't need the drama and dysfunction. Recently there has been attempts at guilt trips and accusations that we (I) don't like them.

They have always been welcome in our house (sober) and we have always had respectful relationships. They live about an hour away but expect us to pack up all 3 kids and drive down to their place rather than them coming here. My husband has explained the difficulty with that for us and reminded them they are always welcome here.

So, maybe be a little disappointed that there isn't a healthy relationship and focus on the healthy ones you do have. Who would really benefit from the relationship anyway? It sounds like more stress/drama than it may be worth.

Welcome to the world of in-laws (sometimes) I have in-laws that I've had to set down difficult boundaries with, for different reasons. Bottom line is this....your family (husband, you, baby) MUST feel comfortable or it will cause stress between your husband and you...or could anyway. I think that if you are willing to fly out there and stay in a hotel, that is the best solution. They can lay on the guilt, or they can use that time to see their grandchild and son and his wife. A hotel is perfect because you can take his family in doses. If grandparents get sloppy drunk, you can go back to the hotel for a reprieve and NOT end up saying something you regret. Or if you aren't feeling well, you can go back to the hotel and husband can stay and visit, or come with you. I spent YEARS staying in my in-laws home and had nothing but anxiety and sadness. I finally set down boundaries and have been SO glad I did. I don't ask what his parents think about this, and I take his family in small doses. Natural consequences.....when they make choices I don't want in my life, I just excuse myself without making a scene and I feel great about maintaining the boundaries I need.

Your husband should talk to them. He should know in co uncertain terms that you will not go unless there is a hotel room involved. your childs safty is the most important thing

First off, your idea is not out of the ordinary. I never stay at my grandmother's house when I visit her because, while I love them very much, I'm just more relaxed being able to leave at night.

Leave it up to your husband. If he wants you to talk to them, then talk to them. But let him make the choice. Just make sure he knows that, aside from staying in their home, you are willing to do whatever he needs to make things easier for him. Good luck!

H. -

I can't speak directly to alcoholism or how to handle that. But I can recommend one thing - keep everything right in your family first. Your husband and baby are your priority. Be sure that you show and speak your respect for your husband and his ability to make the right choices where you and his baby are concerned. Respect is everything to a man, and as long as you two are a team you can pretty much count on him doing right by you and your daughter.

Your in laws deserve respect, but there is no obligation to put yourselves in an unhealthy situation. If you decide to visit, then get a hotel and spend the day with them from brunch to dinner, then excuse yourselves to get home for your daughter's bedtime routine.

It sounds like you're on the right track, and all you can do is assure your in laws that you all love them. You have no control over what they choose to believe. Support your hubby and he'll show his love in return!
Blessings,
js

Blame the pediatrician. If you talk to the pediatrician, he'll likely tell you that breathing second hand smoke and even smokey clothing is unhealthy for the baby. Also, a house where nothing is child-proofed is dangerous. Hotels will child-proof everything for you. Your in-laws may offer to as well, but there is no way they can find every lost screw or peanut that has fallen off into the corner or under a table like baby will. Just say that it isn't them, but you are a very protective mother, and you feel that you must obey what the pediatrician suggests. Tell them that you would love to have them stay at your house, but unfortunately it just won't work to stay at theirs.

I can only say that your husband is gonna have to be firm with his parents about your choice or you two will have to sacrifice and stay at his parents home. I just hope its not too long. I have some questionable inlaws myself and at one point when we went to visit (at the time my son was 5 months old) his parents refused to turn up their heat.We ended up going to bed in flannel pajamas, socks and knit hats and we even had to have our son sleep in a hat too juust to go to bed! Well that was absolutely the last time we stayed at their home when visiting. And keep in mind, these people are are financially stable. They just didnt care how cold we were--and they knew that the room they had us staying in gets really hot in the summer and super cold in the winter-we were there in winter--and their room was on the other side of the house just cozy. But back to you,
I just dont think its too much for you to be comfortable when you have to pay to go on vacation; its expensive and if you or your husband have to take off work to be uncomfortable for your stay your doing yourself and your family a disservice. Good Luck

I have a very similar situation with my inlaws, although they are in their 60's and live only an hour and a half away. We see them maybe once a year when they finally get around to visiting us. They missed my husband's 30th birthday this year as well as our 4th child's 1st birthday. This is the icing on the cake of our relationship with them.

The environment you describe is exactly the situation with our inlaw's place as well. The way we have handled the "guilt trips" is to loving suggest many places in between our homes that are fun for them, us and the kids to visit together as well as always inviting them to our place at their convenience. They always inevitably cancel and try to talk us into coming down anyway. My husband always explains to them that HE does not want to risk his families delicate health but loves them dearly and will gladly go out of his way to plan visits anywhere else. Sometimes they are fine with it, sometimes not. My mother-in-law does blame me to some extent, but for the sake of my family I have to choose to let her discourteous manner roll off with a smile and yet stick to our decision. The key to avoiding the majority of the hostility toward you from them would be to make sure that your husband is the one that explains it in his own words so that they realize this is not you manipulating him, but his decision as well.

Good luck and let me know if you need encouragement anytime. I can understand how tough this can be. In the mean time, when they cancel on you take the opportunity to bond with your husband and child and most importantly let your little girl know you will love her and take care of her no matter what.

PS. The hotel idea is fantastic, even if you can only do it once every year or so. We did this with my family and it solved a multitude of problems dealing with people who are not generally good with little children for more than about 3 hours. :) God bless your sweet family!

I will not give a solution to your problems, but I will say I am a grandmother that barely sees her granddaughter due to distance. It breaks my heart to know what I have missed. Luckily my daughter-in=law send me loads of pictures. You could do that. Avoid them while they are intoxicated.

In many ways, H.- this is your husbands' issue - and you will need to support him and listen to him- and love him for his courage and strength. These people are not your family- and I don't mean they couldn't grow into people who meant something good and fine - but it's a slow process - and so far - they don't seem to be '''reaching for the sun''' --- it truly is his deal. You don't know them- don't know the tiny little phrases or tones that would make them explode- he does - ask HIM what more you can do that you haven't - to help or just to make his favorite snack- and then follow his lead---. It's a toughie- and you very well may bless the day they moved to Florida --. The one tangible suggestion is be the kindest long - distance daughter--in-law you can- send pictures regularly- if they don't yet speak to her on the phone ( early in the day) - you could bring that up --- be a good d.i.l. - and give thanks for a great husband.

many blessings,
been there - tried that-
Old Mom aka - J.