Don't Want to Expose My Newborn to Cigarette Smoke; My Mom Is a Smoker

I agree with you. It's unrealistic to expect her to shower and put on clean clothes every time she smokes (all her clothes will smell like smoke)... but as for setting some ground rules, I think it's good. There is a compromise here to be made. She has to smoke outside and then wash her hands before holding the baby for instance. Call her and talk it out.

I grew up with parents who smoked, I have dealt with visits when everytime we left everything had to be washed due to smoke smell. The worst was when my daughter was a baby, everytime we visited and stayed over ( I was living in WI and they were in KS) my daughter would end up sick, ear infection and all. I do not think it was a coincidence. I say stay in a hotel and ask "mom" to step out to have her smoke, wash her hands...I think asking her to wear clean clothes/shower is a bit much...you realize everything in her home ( including clean clothes) will have smoke on them...take care, it is rough. Who knows, maybe this will motivate her to quit again?

CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR BABY!!!

I know I'm going to get scathed for this one but here goes. This will be long. There is no way to cut it back.

I TOTALLY agree with Theresa N, Lesely and some moms who believe you are GOING WWWWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYYYYYYYYY overboard.

If you want to keep your child from inhaling any chemical - put it in a bubble RIGHT NOW - there are chemicals in your home, chemicals in the air and God Forbid - IN YOUR CAR!!!! OH NO!! AND ON YOU!!!!! You washed and dried your clothes did you not? Chemicals - dry cleaned a suit?! Chemicals - do NOT TOUCH YOUR BABY! DO NOT HOLD YOUR BABY - chemicals from the detergents will be inhaled....do you not get this?

This is EXACTLY why we have soooo many allergies and drug-resistant bacteria because there are soooo many of us humans that feel everything has to be PERFECT and the world has to be clean and your kids can't touch dirt, play with toys that aren't theirs because GOD FORBID - they have GERMS on them!!!

Did you not realize: if you are over the age of 35....
* we were put to sleep on our bellies and we survived?
* we road in cars held by our moms or in a laundry basket?!!! OH MY!! (now granted today that would be a bad thing because there are a ten million more cars on the road)
* our mothers either smoked or drank during pregnancy and we aren't messed up?
* our fathers came home and had a glass of scotch in the den and smoked a pipe or a cigarette...
COME ON PEOPLE!! WAKE UP!!!

This isn't just about 'the health of your child' - this is much deeper than that...

You are holding your child hostage because let's face it - you are angry that YOU gave up a block of you life to take care of your mom while she had lung cancer. She survived. Great. She's an adult. She KNOWS what smoking does to her - YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER MIND. YOU CANNOT CHANGE HER and now she's smoking again. You are pissed about that. And telling her NO, you can't see your grandbaby unless you do x, y and z?! THAT IS just sad. There are other words I could use - but really!?! You are mad - you are having a tizzy fit because you gave up a chunk of your life to take care of your mom and now she's back at it. That's the bottom line.

My husband is a smoker, My dad was a smoker. My boys DO NOT have asthma - my husband does smoke outside...i NEVER made him change his clothes and take a shower before he held his flesh and blood. I will NOT make him quit smoking - he is an adult. If you expect people to shower and change clothes - you need help girl. Serious help. I know there are others who posted that's what they had people do - seriously?! Wash your hands - that will be fine.

You need to make amends with your mother. You need to tell her how upset you are that after almost dying she's smoking again. You need to find common ground and you need to NOT hold your baby hostage because YOU are upset with her.

I am not going to say much about this question but I have sat here and read some of the things people are saying about their parents and I am appalled. These people are the ones who raised you, paid for your things, made it possible for you to live good decent lives, trotted you to activities and schools, bought you prom dresses and pulled you out of unsafe situations. While smoking is a terrible addiction, evidently or even people who had lung cancer wouldn't start back to it, I find some people being very judgmental about their own parents. In the time frame that a lot of these parents came from people didn't know smoking was unhealthy anymore than what we are finding out from chemicals from hairsprays or gas fumes or air fresheners, all sorts of things are emitting things into the air. Smoking is a bad habit, but these are your parents you are talking about (some of you). Whatever decision you make on dealing with the issue of your own babies and a grandparents issue, I am urging a few to respect what their parents did and how much they love you. It seems like it has turned into somewhat of a judgment call and not necessarily what the question was.

I understand the desire to protect your baby from the world, but you have to be realistic about things. Do you really expect your mom to shower and change EVERY time she has a smoke? I understand not wanting to stay at her house if she smokes in there, that's reasonable....but c'mon. It's not like your mom sees your baby every day.

My mom smokes outside (never did in the house) and washes her hands when she comes in before she holds any of my 3 kids. This is just fine with both my husband and I (who is the most anti-smoking guy there is!).

Personally I think you're going way overboard and need to lighten up a bit. I would call her and find some middle ground....and stop holding her first grandbaby hostage.

Thanks for the background info on her cancer and your role in supporting her. You probably realize you are angry at her--especially for returning to cigarettes after lung cancer. In terms of third hand smoke--is the danger from this any greater from taking your baby downtown amidst all the exhaust? I would suggest she visit you instead and keep the smoking outside. Just ask her to wash her hands before holding the baby--that would take care of alot of the residue from not being in her house. I know it is hard but try to tease out how much of your decision is based on your child's health risk (keep in mind other things you will be doing with your baby that could be considered toxic) and your resentment. Such a tough situation--I really feel for you!

My M. is also a smoker and came to stay with me for 2 weeks after my son was born. I had NO bones about telling her that she couldn't hold him until she washed her hands, brushed her teeth and changed her clothes. She also had to go outside to smoke of course. He is 3 now and I still make her do that. She understood as she also knew how against smoking I am.
As for you taking your baby there, why doesn't she come to you. Then you don't have to risk exposing your baby to all the germs on the plane. But regardless, you are right for making those demands of her. Its no secret that smoking is disgusting and horrible for your health. If she doesn't understand that, then I guess she won't be seeing her grandchild anytime soon.

I think you're right about everything but the shower and change thing (that is a little neurotic new mom-but hey, we ALL have that! lol). She should wash her hands, and if you want to be safe you could have a wrap for her to wear when she holds your baby - that way YOU control the exposure. If she's really narcisistic, you may just have to deal with a distant relationship. That's what I have with my own mother for similar reasons. Good luck!

We did the EXACT same thing with both of our mom's. My mom quit smoking the next day. My hubby's mom didn't and sees our kids much less (in part due to location). When she is in Texas (she's from MN) she will stay at a hotel. She comes to our house freshly changed and showered, and she doesn't smoke around the kids. She will roll her eyes at us, but it really is better for the kids.

You can only do what you think is right for your child. It's sad to see cigarettes create such a situation. Sad indeed. The world is a yucky place. Your baby will probably never know it's grandmother, she'll probably pass away while your child is still young. I hope you at least manage to get a few pictures of them together while your mom is alive.

I completely agree with you and support you and your husband's decision. I wouldn't worry about her reaction--she will react the way she will, what you have control over is, how are you going to let this effect you?? Are you going to be upset if she chooses not to have a relationship with you or her grandchild? Just remember, you are making this decision out of love for your child---no one can fault you for that. Stick to your decision and don't waiver. You are offering your child a better life because of this---Best wishes!

M

As hard as it is, you are doing the right thing. You can't have your baby around smoke! I would let her come around. She can't possibly think you are crazy.

I was the same way about smokers around my baby. My husband and I were 100% serious about not having ANYONE hold her if they were a smoker until she was at least 12 months old. My mother is a closet smoker and never smokes around anyone but she knows that we all know about it. So when my daughter was born I basically just told her, listen you know I know you smoke and this is what we have decided for her. And she said thats great and you are her parents and I will stand by any decisions you make. So up until my DD was a year old every weekend when my mother would visit she would first take a shower and put on clean clothes and then come over to see her grandchild and it was always fine. I am really sorry to hear that your Mother is giving you such a hard time about an issue that is about the health and safety of your baby. But please stay strong on this and hopefully she will come around.
Good Luck

I'm going with the other moms. you are doing the right thing and it sounds like she may need some time to cool off and realize that you aren't going to budge on this.

If after a week or two she doesn't respond, I would call her and see if she wants to talk about it. If she says she thinks you are being irrational tell her that you are just doing what you and your husband thinks is best but you would still love to be able to see her and visit. See if she can come to your house so you can control the situation a little better.

This is when we start to realize that our parents are human (not-super human) and have their faults and problems and they start to realize that we, as their children, have our own opinions and thoughts. It is a hard transition to make and it can be a challenge, but your baby's health is so much more important that cuddling your mom's ego about a very unhealthy habit.

PS- I would have been pissed when she started smoking again too!

I would call her and talk about it. My in-laws smoke in their home and in their cars. As a result we have been quite clear with them about when our son will and will not be in their home. In the warm weather when the windows are open- fine for a couple of hours. In the winter, no.

I have never gotten too crazy about the clothing b/c quite honestly I think that's a little overboard. They have never been permitted to smoke in my home and my son does not go in the car with them either.

You can't force her to quit smoking and quite honestly it sounds as though you are punishing her for starting to smoke again out of your own anger and frustration (I would be too). You are very reasonable in not wanting to stay in the house, but be reasonable in your other demands. If someone were to stop in to see you and the baby, would you require them to shower and change clothing before holding the baby, afterall you don't know "where" they have been all day? No, you wouldn't. You would ask them to wash their hands before holding the baby and ask that they not kiss her face. You would then wipe down your baby's hands and change her clothing if needed.

Second and third-hand smoke is toxic to babies... but like any other environmental toxin, small doses and exposures will not likely result in long-term illnesses. The baby doesn't live with smokers, doesn't "cuddle" every day with smokers, doesn't roll around on smoke-covered rugs, etc.

If this is really a huge issue for you, then call your mom and talk about it. Figure something out b/c you are doing exactly what you say you don't want to do!

My goodness, this sounds so familiar. Although my mom does not smoke she has the same personality disorder and it is challenging. From my experience, it is more important for her to be right, then to swallow her pride and do the right thing.
Honestly, you are a mother and you need to consider the health of your child. Your mom may come around, but I wouldn't count on it.
I have attempted to make calls to my mom when she was in her "violated state" and it was pointless and in some cases made things worse. Let your mom come around in her own time. You are right to make the stand you are making.

Although it hurts that your Mom hasn't answered back, stay strong! Your baby's health (and yours) is more important than an adult woman throwing a temper tantrum.

First off, hugs to you for dealing with this situation. I really don't have any advice because everything you wrote is exactly what I would have done. You have every right to control the environment in which your baby is raised... especially when all of the research shows that smoking around babies is even more dangerous than we all knew.

I think you should let your mom have some time to process, and let her come to you. Don't plead or try to justify your position. It is what it is, and if your mom won't understand, no calls or justifications on your part will change her mind. Continue to email her about other stuff and your daily life and let her bring up the visit again when she's ready.

After a trip to visit my father and his second wife, our daughter ended p in the hospital for 4 days with dbl. pneumonia. . Their house was filled with smoke, we should have left and stayed at a hotel, but at that time, we were so far from home and did not have enough money.

From that day forward, we told them we would never be able to visit them again. They were welcome to come here, but not to make anywhere near our child.

My father quit smoking and actually eventually divorced that wife.

As long as your mother washes her hands and has a burp type cloth over her shoulder, baby should be fine. She should not be allowed to smoke in or close to your home.. Maybe in the far corner of the yard.

Thank goodness we live in a smoke free city. No smoking is even allowed in Bars and nightclubs.. Now if we could make parks free of cigarette smoke it would be perfect.. hee, hee.

Hey there,
You did what I would have done and I'm sure it wasn't easy. Why do you have to travel to mom with a newborn? Can't mom come visit you -- maybe put her up in a local hotel in NB? A little vacation of sorts. I'd also give her a week to think about it, then I'd call and really talk. Emails, while so easy to use when you have to deliver difficult messages, can often cause more trouble than they are worth (I've learned from experience in my own family dramas). But I would definitely stick to my guns; I soooo don't agree w/ Theresa N below. Humans progress by learning from the past. Who cares if mothers used to smoke carelessly back in the day? TODAY we know that's a huge no no!

I agree with you 100%. Some have said that the request to shower and change after smoking is extreme. I don't consider it extreme at all. The studies on 2nd and 3rd hand smoke are convincing. Your baby's health is what is important here. After a few days, weeks or months of considering it, surely Grandma will come around. She may be dealing with some guilt.

I have asthma and can't tolerate being around anyone who just smoked, even if they washed their hands and freshened their breath, if it's on their clothes and hair, which it would be - I would begin wheezing minutes after sitting next to them so NO, it's not unreasonable for her to shower before coming near the baby. For some of us, it is very uncomfortable being around a smoker.

That all being said, my Mom and Dad both smoked in the house and in our family car with all of us kids suffering. My Mom even smoked while pregnant. Maybe that is why my sister and I both have asthma - who knows.

Have her visit you, stay in a hotel and come over before she has her first cigarette.

Balls in her court though, I wouldn't call her.

Hi--
I just read your "So What Happened" and I just want you to know that I agree with you 100% on everything you said. It is your job to protect your child in all ways. Setting boundaries for them when they are too young to do it themselves is a major part of being a parent. Smokers in general have very poor boundaries. Think about it---they indulge in a behavior that not only harms their own health, but harms the health of every person around them as well. They complain about being persecuted for their choices (not being able to smoke in public places, being taxed, etc.) but don't seem to understand that it isn't fair that their poor choices put other people's health at risk. So, honestly, I think you should stick to your guns on this one. You have stated your boundaries and she can choose to accept them or not. When you were little she said it was her house and she would do as she wanted in it. Now it is your house, your child, and the same rules apply. If she takes it personally you cannot control that. Your are only responsible for your own feelings, and for now, those of your child until your child is old enough to be responsible for herself. It isn't your job to fix your mother or to make her feel better about her poor choices. If she takes your boundaries as an insult, you know that you didn't mean it that way. Just my thoughts on the matter. Good for you for sticking up for your child---you're a great Mom!!!
J.

You said your peace and you are a mommy now. As difficult as it is, just relax and feel your sense of sadness to her reaction. That is ok. Feeling guilty for kindly expressing how you feel and choose to live is not. You are a good daughter, a wonderful mother and by the sound of it, have a nice partnership with your husband. i feel for you...hugs to you and huge praise for becoming a woman and mother (not to mention daughter) that she should be proud of.

You have doen completely the correct thing. I think, of course, you should try talking to her even if it is difficult. But I don't think you should back down. It isn't about her parenting of you, it is about your wishes now. I have left restaurants with my children because of the smoke. I would never let soemone smoke in my home or around my child, and I would make my friends and family take percautions about their clothes etc. It is such a disgusting habit if nothing else - can you imagine her handing you back your child smelling of smoke?? You aren't overreacting. But keep it simple. You don't need to explain yourself. Just say, "Mom, we want to visit in may. We are staying at this hotel. I just wanted to remind you, you cannot smoke if you intend to hold the baby. Will those dates work for you?" And hold her to it.

You are doing the right thing and good for you for putting your baby and your health first!!!! In addition to staying in a hotel, you/your family absolutely CANNOT be around her when she smokes. For example, if you are at a restaurant and she lights up (if smoking is allowed) in front of you/your family, then leave! If you are anywhere for that matter, and she lights up in front of you/your family - LEAVE. You will also have to ride in separate cars because she'll probably want to smoke in her car, and you will need your own rental car in case you are out somewhere and she starts smoking - you will need your own car in order to leave. Have you thought about the added finances this trip will be costing you since you cannot stay with her? Is a hotel and rental car in your budget? If not, then don't go! If she wants to see your baby, then she will have to fly out to you and she will have to pay for her own hotel and rental car!!!

Don't call her. When she is ready, she will call you. Good luck!

It sounds like you did exactly the right thing. I would not want my babies around that, either.
My sister n law smokes, and when we are together for family get togethers, she goes outside to smoke. If the kids come out, she puts out her cigarette ASAP. She washes her hands - all without me evening mentioning anything. She does it because those babies are precious to her, and she knows that the smoking is not good for them on many levels.

I wouldnt call your mom to talk about it. I would just let her come around in her own time.

The guidelines you set were perfectly reasonable. You are not keeping HER from teh baby, you are keeping her smoking from the baby.

You are doing the right thing. You have shown your mom great care and compassion.
It sounds like she is manipulating you. Is there some reason she can't travel? Some reason she has not offered to come and help with the new baby?

Well, you put it out there, now give her time to respond.

Can you stay at a hotel?

Can you send her a ticket to come to your place?

I would wait a couple of days to see if she responds and if not, than call her, but in a "just wanted to say hi" way, and then segway into the visit and see how the conversation goes from there.

Best of luck

My mom is a heavy, heavy smoker who was recently diagnosed with lung cancer. When my twins were born, I told her that being around cigarette smoke increases the risk of SIDS. That did the trick. She has never smoked around my children (they're now 2.5). If your mom is the way she is, she may never come around and you may have to bridge the gap first. When you do go to see her, is it possible for you to rent a hotel room? Or, ask her if she'd be willing to come to you since you did just have a baby. Either way, you will probably have to make the first move.

There is nothing wrong with you setting boundaries regarding the smoking. Honestly I wouldn't stay in a house of someone who smokes in it either (I have asthma because my mom smoked when I was a child). I stayed in a hotel in a smoking room once because that was all they had left & I wound up getting sick afterwards. I asked my allergist if the smoking room had anything to do with it it & he said yes it was possible. I would however try to compromise on her having to take a shower. Maybe just washing her hands & changing her shirt if she wants to hold the baby after she's been smoking.

I would try to work it out, but I would keep some boundaries in place.

I'm really saddened by all the judgement of some of the mom's on here just because you are trying to keep your infant healthy... Every mom has a different comfort level & I think we need to learn how to give good advice instead of attacking. Its kind of funny how some of these answers turned into rants about every other pet peeves they have in life...

My mom smoked when I had my first and my second child (she quit 2 easters ago after having smoked from age 16 to 51). I told her we would not stay with her if she smoked in the house -- anywhere in the house (they had remodeled most of the home and she only smoked in her bathroom with the window open -- but I could smell it through the vents when I visited). She smoked outside and always washed up before holding my kiddos. I did not, however, ask her to shower and change her clothes to hold the baby each time. I think that is going overboard honestly. This is not someone your baby is going to have daily contact with for long periods of time (like a sitter/caregiver or parent or even relatives that live locally). I don't think it is worth destroying your relationship -- you need to work out a compromise. Also, I can tell you (as I am in your situation living far away from my parents) -- that asking her to come to you will not solve her issue -- she wants you to bring the baby to her, so she can show the baby off to everyone she knows on her turf. My mother too is a narcissist and it is always about her....everything. Sister - ditto. Dad just has a bad temper. I grew up walking on eggshells around my family. I still act diplomatic but I moved half-way across the US for a reason...I am sure you understand. Best wishes and good luck!

Sounds like there is a lot more to this than just her smoking. Hope you get it all figured out so you can all enjoy this little gift you have been so blessed to have.

I haven't read the other responses sorry, but I actually feel sorry for your mom. We expect our parents to be more worldly and wise than us but often that's not the case. Your mom is addicted to a drug she cannot control. Not saying that's right or wrong, just saying I feel bad for her because she is under it's control and it sounds like she always will be unless faced with life or death. She is human and human's are flawed (millions of us :-) . Maybe she is trying her best but still fighting her deamons. A little compassion and empathy are important traits to teach our kids.
I agree your the mom, she should respect your wishes and abide by them but (without sounding like a smart arse) I don't think she should have to shower after a cigarette. That must have made her feel dirty. Your baby will not be harmed but your mom may feel like a leopar.
Like you said; it's complicated and no one ever knows the full story from a few paragraphs on mamapedia. What I do know at 40yrs old is I also don't have all the answers, I have made mistakes I never thought I would and my life is great but I haven't set the world on fire either.
My father I cannot stand will stay with us for 2 weeks this summer for my son's benefit. My father will not be alive in 10-20yrs time but my son will have an album or two of photos with a proud beaming grandfather. My son just needs to know his grandfather adored him, nothing else is beneficial to him That's my past not my son's.
I guess we soften with age and experience. Your mom has had a rough time. Suck it up, say you were a bit harsh/make peace, let her enjoy her grandchild for a few days (no smoking anywhere) but with limits you are comfortable with (your wishes need to be respected) . Babies are a lot more resiliant than we think ;-)

I totally agree and understand where you are coming from. Please don't listen to anyone who tells you to lighten up about it. If your mother wants to interact with her grandchild she will take every precaution to ensure that your wishes are followed. It's you that will have to sit up with a sick child, not her. My LO was 14 wks early but is a healthy 2yr old now, and I still keep her at arms length from anyone who smokes. If they care about you and your LO they will do what you ask. So, yes your mother CAN and should shower before every time she visits. My best friend and God Mother of my child does. She washes her hair and everything before she comes. I don't think there is much to be done about the residue on the clothes except she can change into a shirt that is left at your house that doesn't smell like smoke. All I'm saying is please do all that you can to protect your baby...either way your mom will get over it. Good Luck!

C.W., I enjoyed reading your "So what happened" more than your question. You are so passionate about the well being of your baby, as you should be! As I read your post, I thought about my own situation with my mother. My mom and your mom could very well be related, without a doubt. I have to commend you for putting all your ill feelings aside to be with your mom during a very difficult time in her life (the cancer). Not everyone can do that, but you did. The issue I have had with my mother is her perfume and her refusal to wash her hands before handling my baby. Of course my 3 children are grown up some but I am pregnant with my 4th and I am preparing myself for the battles I had with her in the past. I also suffer from allergies and migraines and I know that one of the major triggers for my migraines are strong smells. My mother's philosophy with her perfume is to shower in it. Oh she could come to my house and I can smell her before opening the door and I can feel a twinge in my neck; a tell tale sign that a strong scent is about to intrude. I have asked her nicely, to the point where I have actually sent her outside to sit on our back porch because the perfume was so intoxicating for me. And then she expected to hold my baby and each time she left my house, my baby was left smelling just like my mother which would always make me angrier because I had to change my baby's clothing and bathe him or her. The hand washing problem evolved out of sheer stubbornness with her. She would refuse, saying, she washed her hands at her house. NO, no, I expected anyone coming into MY house to wash their hands in MY house if they expected to hold my baby. She would make excuses and so it was always a battle~ a battle that I always won but it was a battle,nonetheless.

I have NOT read any of the responses you got and I don't intend to. If it were me, I would not go see my mother in her home. I would stay at a hotel, or another family or friend's house, if that is an option. I know what cigarette smoke smells like. Both of my parents smoked when I was growing up. I know how it smells, even after you take a shower because that smell permeates even the clean clothes in the dressers and closets. Even if she came to visit you, and you know she wouldn't be smoking in your house, all the clothes she comes with will smell like smoke. I feel your dilemma and I am so sorry you are in this hard place. The best I can offer is that IF you decide to visit her, make it well known to her that under no circumstances is she to light up a cigarette while you visit her and if she does, leave immediately. Once back at a hotel, you can shower and bathe your baby and put clean fresh smelling clothes on him.
Since she hasn't responded to your email, I would say that she sounds quite prideful. Just like my mother. She probably expects you to apologize (my guess) for you ( a grown woman,) telling your mom, (a grown woman) how you want things to go. My mother hates when I tell her how I want things and I believe she purposefully defies me because she believes she can get away with it. And she tries, but I keep my convictions firmly planted in the ground. I think it might be easier, in your situation, for your mom to come to your home. That way you have the upper hand and she knows it whereas if you go to her house, she has the upper hand and can at any time defy your wishes. I don't know...it's a call only you can make but I wish you luck in however this turns out.

I totally understand! My mil smokes and my husband is 100% on board with the decisions we make. We can drive to see her but we stay in a hotel or with other friends. We don't go in the house so if it's nice weather we stay out side. Bad weather we meet somewhere else. Or given your distance. I say offer to pay for her to come see you and set rules on your house (no smoking indoors, wash hands before holding baby). Don't let your mom make you feel guilty for being concerned and protecting your child. That is your job. If she really wants to see and be a part of her grandchilds life, she'll need to follow your wishes. And ignore all the negative posts. It is AMAZING how quickly people are to pass judgement and make assumptions on here sometimes.

I didn't read all of the replies..but I will say that I agree with you. I was raised with smokers...very generational......

Now, I can not tolerate the smell...it makes me throw up. It makes me sneeze and cough and get migraines that send me to the ER. I can smell it on anyone! And there was no way in h*ll I was going to let someone hold my child, no matter her age, who smelled like smoke...hands, hair or clothes. This included grandparents, Aunties and Uncles or good friends.

I have even dis-allowed parents to come to my childcare because someone in their home smoked (and told them that was why...I have the right to that and it is not considered discrimination). If you feel strongly enough about it, stick to your guns.

I'm sure I'm repeating, but I think the changing the clothes thing is WAY over the edge. If she smokes in her house, everything is going to have some residue on it. The only way it won't is if she buys brand new clothes and puts them on every time she smokes. Even then there's going to be residue from all kinds of junk (think about how dirty the plants are where they make the clothing, the warehouses where they're stored, the truck drivers, the store employees, etc). You can't completely cut out that kind of stuff from your baby's life.
If you do go to see her will you not be visiting her in her home? There will be residue on her furniture.
She should absolutely go outside to smoke. She should with out a doubt wash her hands before she handles the baby. She could even wear a wind breaker type jacket outside (my thinking is that it would keep some of the residue off of her clothes) while she smokes.

Personally, it doesn't sound like the issue here is smoking. You have a whole HOST of issues that you're dealing with.

My suggestion: Pay for her to come to you. No smoking in the house, wash hands, wear a jacket, etc.

Give her a little time (few days perhaps) then call her. You are absolutely right in your opinion on keeping the baby away from smoke. Your 1st concern here is your baby, so I applaud you for that. Be gentle, as you were, and reiterate your points. If she has an issue with obeying your wishes, then she is unfortunately being selfish & choosing the cigarettes over her grandchild. If that is the case...sobeit. You cannot risk your baby's health over your mom's selfishness. Sorry if that sounds tough...the baby only has you and daddy to protect her.

Smoke does stick to clothes & linger in the air. When a smoker p/u a child to hug or hold them, the child may bury their face or lay on their shoulder & boom, instant third hand smoke inhailation. You have EVERY right to stand your ground & say no smoke! I'm allergic to cigarrette smoke too & my hubby, although he thinks I'm a rediculous nag, willingly but begrudgingly, complies w/my orders not to smoke around me & he has to smoke outside...NEVER in the house even if I'm not home, never in my car & has to air out his car when I ride w/him & he can't smoke w/me in his car w/him & he has to air out thoroughly before he is 'allowed' to come back in & walk through the house although he seems to break this rule as much as he can get away w/it. We visited cousins out of state & they took us sight-seeing & unfortunately, they're heavy smokers & smoked in the car w/the windows up & not allowed us to roll down the windows. Never asked us if it was okay to smoke around us. They also smoked in their house, again total disregard for us. I thought we'd NEVER go home & could not wait til we left! Smokers unfortunately don't care about others who are non-smokers. They think just b/c it's their right to pollute their lungs & ruin their health, not to mention pollute & stink up the air outside & around them in public & around other people who are not smoking,they have a right to do so to others too. I would say stand your ground, don't give in to her childishness on the matter. If she gets offended, that's her problem. If she says anything about it, just tell her that while it's her choice to become a smoker & p/u this unhealthy habit, it is Your choice NOT to smoke & you won't jeapordize yours & your family's health just to go & visit & have her jeapordize your health due to her lack of respect & courtesy towards you & even more so, your newborn. Second hand & Third hand smoke can cause asthma & other health related issues, not to mention long exposure possibly contributing to lung disease and/or cancer! If I become single again for whatever reason, you can bet your bucks I WON'T date another smoker! Good luck & stand your ground. It's not your fault that she's acting immature & disrespectful about it so please don't give in for the sake of feeling you have to. If you do go visit & she tries to light up, say immediately, Please don't smoke around us or even a more polite way is "let's go outside so you can smoke out there" & just stay upwind from the smoke or perhaps leaving the room & tell her to let you know when she's finished & perhaps take a small fan w/you & plug it in & point it in her direction to detour the smoke. Hope this helps & again, good luck.

I NEVER let my father and mother smoke in my house or my car. I told them they had ruined my lungs and I would not let my children suffer like that. I had tons of allergies and I still do.
In her house she cannot be trusted to this day not to smoke over her guests or her grandchildren. Your mother is also an addict. She will not notice.
I had asthma for many years and it was extremely serious. Life threatening especially around cigarette smoke. One day my daughter told my mother about a friend of hers who went to a cafe where smoking was allowed in a separate room. He had forgotten his inhaler and when the smoke oozed into the room where he was sitting he was dead in 8 minutes.
My mother was shocked. One hour later she lit up in her house where I was sitting and I yelled "Ma you just heard the story of the fellow who was dead in 8 minutes and you light up in front of me."
"You don't have your inhaler", she answered.
Mine has never been sick for all her smoking. Trust your mother the way I trust mine about smoking.

I am having a similar situation with my MIL. She is a wonderful grandparent, but she is a lifelong smoker. She quits here and there for months at a time, but then gets "stressed" and starts again. She does make an effort to smoke outside when I am around- I am very allergic and it triggers migraines for me, but her house is filled with the odor of decades of multiple smokers. My husband and I both shower and wash our clothes after a visit because we smell like stale ashytrays. She has some other health issues and rarely leaves her house, so getting her to visit us probably isn't going to happen. I don't know what to do either. I know my husband will discuss with her and be very upfront about it. This is going to be my first and only child, and I don't intend to put them at risk in this situation. The grandchildren that have spent a lot of time in her house all have allergies, asthma, have had tubes, RSV, etc and I can't say that the smoking doesn't affect those things. I think in your situation, you might just have to let her come around. I'm not sure you could talk her around to her point of view (no matter how logical) because in her mind you're just attacking her.

You need to give your mom time. Don't pressure her right now. She needs time to think, but whatever she ends up saying or doing you'll have to stick to your guns. First hand smoke is damaging to peoples health but second hand smoke is worse. There are countless studies that prove this, so if she wants proof it's out there legitimately. Whatever she does she can smoke to her hearts content and bring on a relapse of lung cancer with her addiction, but you have every right not to expose the baby to any form of smoke at all. It's up to your mother how she chooses to respond.

my mom is a smoker and when my daugher was first born we stayed with her for about 7 months then moved in with her dad and his parents bc he did not want to be away from her and i needed his help when we go to visit my mom we do not stay with her we get a hotel on priceline.com through bid your own and stay there close by to my moms and go there and spend the evening we get in and the whole day that we are there and then right before we leave to go back home we go there for an hr or two. she does smoke in the house if its cold but in a totally different room it does bother me but my daughter gets to see her once every couple months bc of work schedules. so its not that she is exposed to second and third hand smoke for very long. i say deal with it for a couple of days so your mom can spend time with your child and just ask her to smoke outside or in another room but having her shower and change clothes is a bit excessive i think because the smoke would still be on the furniture and in the air

You did the right thing, and good for you. In fact, regardless whether she changes her clothes and showers before she holds the baby, if you're in her house, everything in her house is covered by the 2nd-hand toxins of smoke.... So, frankly, I think if you do go, you should limit your time there and not sleep there.

The ball in her court now, so to speak. Let her be the one to bring it up again. She is probably feeling really guilty about smoking again, and is probably defensive. If you don't hear from her in a while, then, maybe reach out and say, "we miss you, but hope that you appreciate that we don't want to expose our baby to health risks associated with smoking. I know that smoking is a hard, hard addiction to break, and please realize that while it makes me sad you're smoking again, I'm not judging you, and you're not a bad person because you smoke."

If she reaches out, you might suggest a mutually fun place to get together for a visit, other than her house, so that she could be there and you could be there (like staying with another relative, or renting a house on the beach for vacation or going to a KOA campground, whatever). She could smoke outside, and you could also visit that way.

i am currently 4 months pregnant, and live away from my mom and she is a smoker as well and this same issue holds true for me. i have been talking to her about it, telling her that i dont appreciate her smoking habits, and i never will, and i cant expect her to change her ways but i can't change my view points as well, which M. result in some "harsh" decisions. that is, while i dont want to take her right away from her grand child, i M. have to say "no" to some events and situations where i find "not proper" for the baby's health, let alone mine...

tough situation. My middle DD's asthma was triggered by my mom's smoking, she was haing problems & staying at my house. DD had a cold & was up running around as usual, in the evening (better than crying & getting the fever higher) and Mom was at my kitchen table smoking like a chimney. Next day, DD (about 16 months at the time) would have to lie down & rest after taking just 3-5 steps.. I took her to the doctor, & was rushed to the childrens hospital, where I could NOT get reassurance that she'd be ok, all the pediatrician would say was "she's a long way from coming out of the woods". I was pretty crushed. (she was, in the end, "ok", but needed a nebulizer for the next 5 years) I was (and still sort of am, 16 years later) kind of mad at my mom, she has asthma & should have seen the symptoms, I felt. (Im asthmatic too, but I was 20 & knew nothing about babies, asthma & effects of smoking etc) I would be straight with her, better than holding a grudge as I have all these years! (and it could save your childs life!)

You're doing the right thing and sometimes that's the hard thing to do. I have found that some smokers are very hypersensitive about their habit and easily take offense while others are extremely thoughtful and understand that non-smokers prefer not to inhale their fumes. Stand your ground but with love and kindness.

I would not deny your mom the chance to meet her grandchild. Just do not
stay in her house. Let her come to where you are staying and if you must
meet her outside in a public place. I know there is a big to do about smoke
etc. but really for the short amount of time the baby will spend I do not
think she will be harmed for life. My parents and my husbands parents, so
that if 4 people,, each smoked two packs a day and we lived in four room
apartments. By todays standards we should have been dead by the time
we were 20. We are both healthy. So if your Mom held the baby for a bit
I think it would be OK. Do not deny her the chance to know her grandchild.