What Can I Do to Gloss This Over?

I'd just lock the door and not answer it - seriously. I don't know HOW you put up with a man like your husband who will not side with you and put his foot down and keep it down.

**I read your Edit... and I"m sorry, but nothing is going to change, and it will always be like that. Also, you seem to always "Blame" yourself for everything. And that won't change either. There is NO reason to blame yourself, but you are. It is THEM..... not you. It is your HUSBAND... not you. THEY are really really the problem... and you blame yourself for it all. So... I really do not think there is a solution to this. At all.
One day... you will need to decide... if you can leave, if you will, if you will be okay with them treating you this way... or not.
----------------------------------------
You cannot gloss it over... and maintain your position.
I would.... NOT even try to gloss it over.

I would... LEAVE... and go visit my own parents. At that SAME time they will be there.
Just go.
I would.
I would not ask my Husband's 'permission'... I would just delineate... MY plans.
Since... I do not seem to count... in my own household nor in my own family... nor with my own Husband.
THAT is what I would do.

In fact... my friend... actually did do that.... almost the same situation as yours. TOXIC In-Laws... and a spine-less Husband. AND the In-Laws were just soooo harmful for her kids.
She left and stayed at her friend's house WITH her kids.... for about a couple of months. She said.... she would not return... UNTIL HE... grew up and went to Counseling and treated her like a Wife.

They are still married. Her Husband... now knows his proper PRIORITIES... and now knows, he HAS a "Wife"... not a doormat.

all the best,
Susan

Without reading everyone else's responses, I just want to say that it doesn't sound like the problem is with your inlaws but with your husband. Why does he find it okay for his parents to plow right over your boundaries? You set clear boundaries and they trample them over and over and over again! You almost lost your baby because of this and yet that is still acceptable for him?

I am not sure from your post how your husband respects you otherwise but I think the only way you will get things to change is marriage counseling. You both need to have the same goals and objectives or at least respect the other's wishes. He apparently doesn't care about yours or else he would intercede with his parents. Until he does it is going to be all of them (including him) against you and that is not an enviable position.

You are used to standing up for yourself with them now you need to stand up for yourself with him. He needs to understand that your feelings matter and that ignoring your requests is unacceptable. Until then nothing will change.

I would hold my ground. If he won't be there, let them know you aren't comfortable hosting them. You can't stop them from renting a place in town or spending their money on whatever they want, but you do not have to play hostess to them when hubby is not around. In fact, if there is any way to do so, leave town yourself when they are going to be there! Do you have a friend or sibling you could visit during that week?? (Maybe not the best answer, I know.)

I would also seek marriage counseling, maybe with a pastor. A husband should cling to his wife once he marries, not his mommy and daddy.

****EDIT***
After reading your What Happened, you could make sure when they visit that they do NOT stay with you. INSIST they get a hotel room, so you can have them LEAVE by whatever time at night and have VISITATION HOURS during the day. !!!!!!!

People only treat you the way you ALLOW them to treat you!! That being said, this is a very difficult situation...especially since your husband is not willing or able to step over to your side in this and demand that his parents respect your family and your needs!!!
I can understand a little of dynamics of what your husband is going through. When you are dealing with an alcoholic parent you have been "trained" as a child to not "stir things up"...you never know how they are going to react to a situation and so you are constantly on guard...trying to keep one step ahead of them and keep things peaceful and calm!! He has just simply carried this over into his adult life...and since he doesn't have to worry about pacifying YOU....he just keeps on trying to keep Mom happy!!!
I Would be very very concerned about allowing your Mother to take your daughter out for a full days outing...even if she isn't actively drinking during the day ( and it is hard for me to believe that she isn't!!! ) her constant intake of alcohol over the years has damaged her reaction time and ability to think clearly. (I am speaking from experience here..my husband of 42 years who is a wonderful, loving man who has been a highly accomplished man in his chosen field...is an alcoholic and neither of my daughters will allow their children to ride in the car when he is driving...because they can never be sure that he hasn't already been drinking that day!!)
You have a right to make some boundaries...but I know how difficult that can be,especially when your husband is not willing to go along with it. Would he be willing to let YOU be the "bad guy" but at least agree with the boundaries that you set? If they are truly going to "rent a place nearby"...you need to start building that boundary line now or your life is going to be impossible. You say you work from home....but you also mention school...so I assume that your children are not at home during the day for the most part....just park your car in the garage...or around the corner...lock the doors, close the curtains and refuse to answer the phone or the door!!! Seems childish but their actions are even worse than childish!!!
I am sorry that I don't have any really concrete advice for you...but I have walked a mile in your shoes and I know how difficult it is. ( And MY husband is one who agrees with me when it comes to dealing with his toxic mother!!! )

It's hard to know where to begin here.
The fact that they talked about renting a place to be close
suggests that they DO realize that staying with you
would be too much, too difficult.
You say MIL drinks.
During the daytime?
Around your kids?
Drives?
Your husband's in a really difficult situation.
He doesn't want to get into a disagreement with his parents.
When you say he'll be gone . . . military? or business?
You may want to get some counseling for yourself
to learn some techniques to create/enforce boundaries.
Instead of thinking of "glossing" something over,
it seems to me you should be cementing something instead.
as in This far and no farther.
You need to take care of yourself first and your children second.
Insofar as inlaws deplete your energy for doing those things,
you need to keep them away.
==========================
Just read Julie's answer, the only other answer up to now.
The thing about 8th month and bed rest . . .
I cannot imagine what that's like
HOWEVER, if you got OUT OF THAT BED
to cater to them, then you can't completely blame them
for some of your physical difficulties.
You were supposed to STAY IN THAT BED.
If they were there, they could have made meals,
changed diapers, taken the children for walks, etc.
If you had STAYED IN THAT BED,
it seems to me they would have had to.
It is very important for you to learn
to TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF.
FIRST.

let them come and visit! And while they are there, go about your business and leave them to fend for themselves!! Let them rent a place near you. Doesn't mean they have to have a key and 24 hr access to you place, that's what door locks are for!! And with the drinking, if she brings it into your home, ask her to refrain from bring it into the home because you don't want your children to see it. If she still does, dump it down the drain. I'm sorry your husband doesn't seem to have the balls to stand up to his parents but someone has to draw the line with them!!

S.

I think you are on the right track...stick up for yourself because no one else will.

I had been married 8 years when I was pregnant and that is right about the time I began to have (or realize) problems with the in-laws. It all caused a lot of fights and I had to really put my foot down to get past this. After many visits and takeovers, I finally told my husband I didn't want them here unless he was here to entertain them. I told him, they don't like me and there is no reason for us to sit in a house all day and pretend that they do. I am pretty sure he said something, but not certain. The visits now are scarce and awkward, but it does feel a lot better than having someone bust through the doors and take over my home and tell me what I am doing wrong. I don't get it, but for what ever reason it all happened. And yes, the day of my return from the hospital, my FIL came over and said, "What do you have to eat?" No one moved to make his food, so I ended up making him eggs. I was told I was a good host.

Best wishes and stand your ground.

Your husband needs to man up and let them know when they can come and for how long ON YOUR TERMS -especially if he's not going to be around. At this point I would let him know that if he didn't do this, I was no longer going to hold my tongue or mince words. They have no business showing up unannounced or staying longer than they said they would stay. The whole business with you being on bed rest and them not helping would have been the final straw for me. Your husband needs to decide if he wants to be a grown up with a happy wife and family, or if he still wants to just please mama and daddy and act like a little boy.

First, your in-laws sound like an absolute nightmare.
That being said, I think you have been far too accommodating in dealing with them. I'm a firm believer that we teach people how to treat us. Your in-laws behave as they do because they have gotten away with it. They are going to continue to behave this way as long as you allow them to. Ideally your husband would step in and help find some peace, but since he doesn't seem able/willing, you are going to have to do it yourself if you want the future to be any different.
I think that you may be able to benefit from some counseling to help you learn some strategies for setting boundaries. Again, ideally, hubby would join you, but that does seem unlikely to me. Go anyway.
If it were me I would practice saying things like, "I'm so sorry we won't be available that day." Then don't be available. Really. Make other plans. Go out of town. Stay home and lock the doors, whatever it takes to stick to what you said.
When they show up unannounced, try "I'm sorry we can't accommodate a visit right now. There are some very nice hotels nearby, which one can I call for you?"
I'm not suggesting that you never allow them to visit, just that you begin teaching them that they cannot dictate your schedule with their impositions. The fact that they are family does not give them the right to behave this way. You are going to have to stand up to them unless you want them to continue.
Finally, I have to agree with something that Shira P. posted. I don't care who shows up at your door, announced or unannounced, when you are on bed rest, you STAY IN BED. End of discussion. They "ran you ragged" because you let them. Harsh, perhaps, but true. Your health, and the well-being of your family have to be your priorities. Don't ever let anyone make you feel bad about honoring those things.
Best of luck to you. I sincerely hope that you are able to make some positive changes for your family.

Since you are the one really always having to deal with them.. stick to your guns..

Also time to set up marriage counseling.. Your husband needs to get on board with you and support you. He is a grown man and IF he is not there to support you.. what is his problem?

His parents visits, should be HIS responsibility , He should take off from work if he has to.. if he is not caring for the children during this time, so that you can deal with them.. Give him the choice.. ..

Well, at least renting a place nearby would be better than living at your place? Only thing I can think of that you haven't said you are doing, is going to some kind of counselling, to learn techniques to make and enforce the boundries? But without your hubby on board, I don't know how it would work.

You are right, they sound incredibly rude. When they overstay their welcome, or come even when you have made it completely clear you have other plans/obligations, I guess I would just be cordial, but don't go out of your way to "serve" them or be a hostess. Say hello, maybe visit a few minutes, and then excuse yourself, "Well, Like I told you the other day on the phone, the kids and I have this this and this today, so we have to be one our way - make yourselves at home, we will be back at such and auch a time. See ya Later!" Then go on with your normal routine, do dishes, laundry, work, cook, take the kids where they need to go, and basically just ignore the inlaws, maybe they will take the hint. Then do make an effort ( if they rent the place nearby) to arrange days to get together with them, when you have the time. Maybe eventually they will "get it"???

Good Luck!

Jessie

First and foremost don't back down. Stand your ground hard. If they still insist on visiting tell them fine and give them a list of the local hotels and tell them they are no longer welcome to use your house as a hotel.
My MIL does not stay at our house during visits and that is because she and I can't stand to be around each other that much. For many years my husband wouldn't stand up to her. So I did. She still likes to do surprise last minute visits but she has to stay in a hotel. I think it helps that I make sure we have pets she can't stand so she is to freaked out to stay in our house. Gotta love that.
If your husband is mad at you then let him be. Don't worry over glossing things over. Tell him he can be mad all he wants but you are the one that winds up dealing with his parents and so it will be your way or no way. That is one of the things I told my husband. He relented and now finally sees how bad his mother is. It took other family members to point it out to him so he backs me about 70% of the time now.
They will get over being mad just have to give them time. Just remember don't back down.

I think you've put up with a lot for a long time. These people don't care if they tick you off. Why are you uncomfortable if they are mad with you for letting them know how you feel? Get comfortable with it! Stop apologizing.
If/when they come and they are not welcome (you didn't invite them) and your husband is not there, lock the door, call the police and have them escorted off the property. By not having boundaries, you are setting yourself up for your kids to learn they can walk all over you too.

Well, you are not the difficult one for sure. They definatly are. I dont understand why in laws feel like they have the right to do things like that. It just isnt fair, and just because they are "family" doesnt give them the right to do whatever they feel like no matter what you want.

You did the right thing by emailing them. They need to know their boundries even if they do not respect them. At least you put them out there. I dont understand why your husband wont take your side though or at the very least take a mutual party and try to understand both sides. Its not fair to you, your his wife he should try to reason with them seeings how they are his parents and he is gone alot for buisness. They shouldnt want to be coming around so often if he isnt there, especially if you do not have a good relationship with them. You have obviously tried. And they are no help to you so they cannot try and reason and say that they are there to help.

It doesnt make sense, and I sympathize with you as I have frustrating in laws as well. Not as bad as yours though.

If it were me, I would just take the heat. Yes it is hard having people mad at you but it is for good reason. You cannot handle them being there without your husband to manage them. They are not respectful of you, no help to the kids, and are a burden.
I would try and talk to your husband and tell him exactly how you feel, its his parents yes, so its a touchy subject but you are his wife and he should be reasonable and see your side to this. Make him talk to them and explain that they should call first and give you notice, and even see if its okay first. And that they are being unfair to you. It just isnt right.

You did the right thing so dont worry. They are just difficult people. You have to have some boundries, and yes you can decide to bend or comprimise a bit but stick your ground girl. You know that you are fair, and reasonable person, so dont sweat it too much. You have put in more than enough effort. They should do the same. You cant take it all upon yourself and your shoulders, give yourself a break.

In your situation, for them to get a house nearby is your best scenario. Odds are good your FIL will just stay in that house and sleep. MIL will probably want the kids to come to her... GREAT, you can have some down time. Maybe they'll even have air conditioning and you can go over there and put YOUR feet up! I think they may be wanting to do this because they realize they are being a burden on you.

Seriously, though. Couple things come to my mind:

1. If you have never told them how angry you are about the bed rest episode, you need to get that out. Then, you need to let it go. Blessedly, you did not lose your baby and there is nothing anyone can do to change what happened. I'd really let them have it, though. Even if you have to do it in a letter.

2. It sounds like you're at the end of your rope. Could it really be any worse for you to just lay it on the line with them? Worse case scenario... they don't come! Best case, they start to trest you with some respect.

3. When they are at your house, I wouldn't be treating them like guests, since they're not. Don't go out of your way to do anything special for them.

4. You seem like you are wasting a lot of your energy now worrying about "what if they ruin my summer." Let that go. What if they DON'T ruin your summer? What if the house thing works out great? Have low expectations and then be delighted when they exceed them.

I'd still work on my husband for support. I mean WHAT THEY HECK? He's supposed to be your partner here, and he needs to run intereference with his parents. Isn't he mad about the bed rest episode?

Good luck... I know how it can be with family. In my world, mine are the difficult ones. I just try to do my best, set a good example for my kids and think "How will I want them to some day treat me when I'm the medling Grandmother?"

HI A.,
A few thoughts--no solutions really--but a couple things that came to mind while reading your post...
•If they have their own place, they won't be lying around and napping in yours!
•Obviously they know their son isn't around so maybe, just maybe they DO want a better relationship with YOU and the kids?
•Maybe they feel you are trying to restrict their presence in the lives of the grandkids?
•I'll bet they were really hurt by your email, which said "that I won't be able to accommodate that idea on our end if my husband is gone, because I just can't handle hosting any visitors for that long home alone" which is kind of vague and basically saying you don't want them there if hubby is not around.
•Their idea of "renting a place near by for a couple of months during the summer so they could "come and go frequently all summer" -- they're not staying with you--just popping in on occasion. If you're not available, not home, oh well. It's like you tried to blanket-statement the ENTIRE summer by saying you're not available--ever.
•"They didn't ask how we felt about it, just announced it." Well, they don't really need anyone's approval to rent a house, do they?
•Of course they're mad and of course your husband is mad. Honestly I think the email you sent couldn't have been taken any other way! Tacking on "nothing personal" and apologizing for doing it in the same email doesn't really make it any less offensive. After all, "a rose by any other name...."

I get that you don't like your in-laws and that they are not helpful to you. Mine are the same way, so I get it. You don't like them and you don't want them there and you don't want to spend time with them.

They'll have their own place...why assume you'll be "hosting" all of the time. Maybe they could actually help you out by taking the kids occasionally, watching them at THEIR place, etc.

I do think you owe them and your husband an apology. It's already "out there" and I don't think you can "gloss over" this O..

Intruding into your life and space is so very rude and I don't care who they are if you don't want them there for that long they are just being rude. I would definitely choose to not answer the door, or pack up the kids and take them out the back door and into the car and leave the house for quite a while.

I know how frustrating this could be for your and your working from home but they only way any of them are going to get the point is to show them. If you have any bold trusted friends I would invite them over to deal with your in-laws. I have quite a few of these and have been that kind of friend for my friends. I'm always polite but I do know how to insist on treating my friends with curtesy and respect.

Next time they visit when hubby is there you may want to take a vacation. When hubby isn't there they just don't get in. This way they all see how you feel since they don't seen to understand anyother language.

I think you did the right thing by frontloading the fact that you won't be able to accommodate them if they rent a place nearby. Now you just have to stick to your guns about it if and when it happens.

As far as visits, the next time they come, set up ahead of time how many days they will stay. If they say 3 days, then show up and stay for 6, then the NEXT time they want to come and stay, simply say no. Recite to them all the times they've lied (yes, LIED) about how long they would stay, and that you can't trust them to not overstay their welcome, so they're just not welcome to stay with you any more. They can get a hotel room nearby or something and come visit when you have time for them. Otherwise they're on their own.

So sorry you are dealing with this.... if I were you I'd consider going to Al-Anon meetings. http://www.al-anon.org/

At the very least check out some books for dealing with alcoholism in the family and setting boundaries. And maybe some books on adult children of alcoholics, it might help you understand your husband better.

It is ok to set limits, and you are not the bad guy for doing so.

i feel the same about my mil but SHE lives with us. her health is shoddy to say the least but she complains about everything. i'm ready 2 flee w/ my children. my hubs stands up to her but still lets her get away w/ a lot. his saying is "she won't be around much longer, try to take her w/ a grain of salt." ya right. she is getting mean with my daughters, i don't think so. I don't think it would be so bad if I wasn't the one who had to care for her or if she lived elsewhere but.....
i just try to deal w/ her little as possible. i take care of her basic needs for the day & let her to herself for the rest of the day. i really want to "run away" most days but b/c i love my hubs & children i put up with it.
If you find a way to cope let me know too. all advice is welcomed. oh by the way unless her health gets worse putting her in assistive living is NOT an option either of them will consider. Hope things work out for you & your family.

Hi, A.:

I understand your frustration. One of the things we learn in life is that we can't control another person. If a family member or friend has a problem with alcoholism, Al-Anon is a support group for those people who are dealinhg with the disease of alcoholism.

What is it that you need?
I read alot of information but basically what do you need from your husband's parents?

I read that there is conflict between your husband and you as well.

I also read that the problem with control is in both areas: husband and his parents.

Control is one thing and setting boundaries another.

I would suggest you have a facilitator and run a circle meeting with everyone involved and come up with an agreement on how everyone can get their needs met.

Call the Good Shepherd's mediation program in Philly and see who can help run a group meeting in your area.

Also check the web at www.iirp.org

Good luck.
D.

A.,

I won't talk much about how your hubby needs to stand up for you. When you married him he left his family to make one of his own after all and that places you and your children first regardless of any parental relationship and I am sorry he has no good excuse. Now that that is out of my system, on to the advice; you are going to need to do some shock and awe tactics here, but I'm not sure how to fully approach this as I don't know all the particulars. First, standing your ground is a must, but obviously not working as your inlaws show up anyway. I would add (when you are telling them this is not ok) that you will not answer the door if they arrive whether you are home or not; you are after all the only parent home and have full control over this and since your hubby is acting the way he is I would tell him that as well so there is no surprise when they come whining to him. Second, I would try to mend your relationship with the inlaws; it sounds as though they are visiting out of spite; try to find out what makes them who they are (which may mean some caring about them ;-) and get on their good side (a little stroke to the ego here and little bit of goodies there can go along way if properly placed and timed; talk to your hubby about this too, he probably knows how to get on their good side besides capitulating to their wants). Knowing that you care about them may make them more compliant about planning with you ahead of time for visits (they may simply be worried that you will refuse them access to their son and/or grandkids). Third, you need some house rules when they do barge in, if you can't keep them away maybe you can make it frustrating for them to be there; like no alcohol or smoking when your children are around. Also, if you find yourself bedridden again and they show up....stay in bed; let them amuse and feed themselves; you owe them nothing if they just show up. Last, I have to say it again; this job is too difficult to do by yourself, you really need your hubby on your side (you can tell him I said that too!). Have a quiet talk (no need to argue about this) about how you need his help in this matter of patching realtions with your inlaws (notice I didn't say keeping them away here; you'll obviously turn him off immediately if that is your opener) so that you can make more appropriate plans with them at the same time save some of your sanity (use a lot of "I" statements when talking to him not "you" statements).

My question is...what is your goal here? Do you want a relationship with these selfish self-centered rude people? Seriously ask yourself that. I am sorry your husband is a coward but you have EVERY RIGHT to tell them NO. They stress you and nothing about their visit is pleasant. Tell them they can come IF they get a hotel room and you will let them know when YOU are available for visits. Change the locks if they have a key. IF they come uninvited, do not answer the door. who cares if they know you are home. You are not available and that is all they need to know. YOU are in control here. NOT THEM. They cannot be oblivious to the fact that you are not best friends. THey are so pushy I had to take a minute to calm myself down b/c I was mad at them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They see you as a servant and a subordinate. And he's not backing you.
I know you said that would never change. They will keep being jerks & blaming you if he doesn't stand up to them. If he won't, then it's fine for you to be "the bad guy." SOMEONE has to stand up for you!

I haven't read all the other posts, but see the major problem as your husband. He needs to grow up and support his wife...not bow down to his mommy! I would set up a counseling session immediately and if he doesn't come along, go without him. You need support from somewhere and you aren't getting any from him! His parents are rude and insensitive! I wouldn't tolerate that kind of behavior. What is it teaching your kids to watch them push you around the way they do?