Remaining Friends...update

Divorce is a loss, not unlike death. If there is one thing I've learned about my divorce situation, it is that some people just don't know how to react to the news. Some of my closest friends have pulled away from me, and some of my casual acquaintances have dived right in to offer me a sympathetic ear and impart wonderful words of comfort.

I've had people just nod their head and C. the subject when I told them about the divorce. I've had other people ask for the juicy details.

I liken everyone's reactions to when my sister lost her full term stillborn baby. Some people just don't know what to say, so they say really dumb things. It doesn't mean that they don't care. They just haven't been in these shoes and hope they never will.

Best of luck to you. It is a difficult process, but the grass is getting greener for me everyday!

One thing jumped out at me -- you have a date on the calendar for when you will talk to your daughter, but no date on the calendar for when your soon-to-be-ex will move out. He's making progress, yes, by even looking at other places, but he could stretch that process out forever, and his strong tendency toward denial means he probably will. While it's good that you finally had a talk with him as you did, and that he's working on one specific place, if there is no agreement between you on an actual move-out date, he sounds like he's likely to linger and make excuses: "The place I liked fell through so I have to start looking again." "I can't find a place in the right location so I can see Daughter and take her to school." "I found a possible place but they want X, Y and Z." And so on for ages.

Set. A. Date. It needs to hold even if he doesn't have a place to be and you need to be clear that if he stays and stays it is only hurting your child.

You were very wise to tell him that though things are friendly right now, you and he both need to consider that times may come when things are not friendly. You are being realistic and he is, as you note, still in denial even after your talk. He needs the reality of a move-out date, followed by the reality of your presenting him with empty boxes to pack one week before that date. If you worry that he is going to pull a "We need to get back together, you know it's best for Daughter" routine as the day approaches -- stick to your guns and stick to the idea that what daughter needs is firm certainty even if that means the certainty that dad doesn't live there any more.

I can't remember from your other post, are you getting any counseling or therapy through all this? Please don't hesitate -- a counselor could help you have the strength to ensure your ex sticks to a departure date. And please line up a counselor for your daughter! There are ones out there who specialize in working with young children during divorces. Good play therapy could help her through what will be a long and difficult time.

Because others cannot believe THEY could live like this for so long.

But why do you care what others think?
You know the truth and that is all that matters.

I am glad you are going to tell your daughter real soon. I hated living in a house with people saying they were trying to work it out, but knowing they were wasting everyone's time and me needing closure. Yes it is selfish, but I was a child who had lived with people that no longer loved each other in a healthy way.

Your child needs happy parents and right now the 2 of you are not happy and totally stressed.

sounds like things are progressing in a positive fashion. good for you! i'm glad you talked to him and made things clear.
don't be surprised if your drop-dead date for informing your daughter gets pre-empted. news like this doesn't stay private for long.
as for the required question, it's probably less about actual disbelief or thinking that you're lying, simply the reality that it's not a sustainable or healthy situation. i guess that since you shared the information with the co-worker, they felt it was okay to give you their opinion.
khairete
S.

I admire your level headedness very much. We could all take a page from your book.

However, I still wish you would retain your own legal counsel.

:)

What your coworkers believe about your sleeping/sexual arrangement is irrelevant. They will believe what they believe, and you can't change that. But their belief has no real impact on your reality. So don't stress over it.

My DH stayed in the same house, but in the basement, for a few months when he was in your shoes. I think people always want to get to some juicy detail and are disappointed when there isn't one. And, frankly, not everyone is being chaste.

I'm glad things are moving forward. Sounds like you all need it.

It's not hard to believe.
I suppose due to the logistics of finding a place, beginning a lease, moving etcetera., this happens for various lengths of time quite frequently.

Because they are thinking like your husband; if you are there then there's hope of getting back together. Or a friends with benefits type of situation. Let them think whatever they'll think because it's your life and you get to make the choices.Let the rumors fly because they are probably more interesting than the real situation. lol

There's never a "right" time to tell your kids I don't think. It was one of the most different moments in my life. I understand wanting to wait until school it out, but that's also removing her ability to lean on her friends and ask them questions. My daughter's initial response was she needed to see her bestfriend. Every child responds differently, but just give a lot of patience and remember that she's got to figure this out too.