Remaining Friends After a Divorce

Maybe focus on why he is most likely living in his friends basement, because he still can't manage his money so he can't afford a place of his own.

negotiate. Your son would be better off with a financial goof, than without a father full time.

Have you tried counseling? Money is most couples biggest issue, but it can be less of a problem if you go to school. This guy has some growing up to do, but that's what happens most of the time. Any guy left to his own, will buy a big tv and sit on a milk crate. That's why bachelor apts are so pathetic. But, enter a savvy lady and soon the guy is a totally differant guy. You made a commitment for better or worse. Ok, so now is the worse part. But your marriage doesn't have to be over because he can't handle money. Tell him he can move in if he lets you manage the household finances and live off a budget (allowance you give him) If he misses you, he will take the deal.

And the parenting - sorry sugar, I'm with him on this one. You're lucky to have his bad cop to offset your goodcop. The dad is supposed to be strict. Mom is all cuddly and syas yes, dad says no. He doesn't have to explain why. We are the parents. We make the rules. End of story. Your son will benefit greatly and respect him him much more for being a strong authority figure. Your job is the back dad up 100% in front of the child. State your opinion behind closed doors, but in the end, back each other up and show a united front.

okay.....let's not loose sight of why you got a divorce to begin with. I am assuming you are not a flippant person who got up one morning and decided to get a divorce....this must have been an agonizing decision for you as it is for anyone reasonable....you are now on your own...which is a bit scary and it is overwhelming and intimidating to be single and possibly think of finding somone else (though it is way too early but I am sure the thought has crossed your mind......)....I too believe in doing whatever it takes to make it work but that is done before your file the paperwork........be strong and don;t loose sight of the original reasons for divorce.............he has not changed!

Marriage is a contract - specifically a business contract.

You enter that contract from a relationship of love and trust, blah blah blah.

Once in - you are co-owners of a small business. Income, spending, debts - etc.

Sounds like you have the love part, but are missing the "co-owners of Smith Inc" part.

Maybe that's a jumping off point for your thinking, and maybe a discussion with him?

I'll try to answer your actual questions, but I will tell you that I don't believe in divorce. It sounds like you genuinely care about this man, and there are always ways to work things out. I know money can be a big issue, but it can be fixed. I don't see that as a deal breaker.

That aside, I don't think that remaining friends after divorce is supposed to be in the cards. You don't have kids together, and he's not supposed to be your babysitter. IMO, you don't get to say "I want a divorce because you suck at money" but then turn around and say "I still need you to take care of us." You can't have it both ways. You either want him in your life or you don't.

If, out of the kindness of his heart, he is offering to save you some money and take care of your son when you need him to, then you will have to draw a BIG line in the sand if you truly are not interested in getting back together with him. You will have to remind him repeatedly that "you offered to do this. I am so grateful, but we can't get back together, I'm sorry." This way he never thinks you are stringing him along.

But still IMO you should have him or not, because the in-between stuff is hard on kids, trust me.

I hope your reasons for divorce are better than the ones you listed because your money situation will not improve and neither will the way he disciplines your son. In fact both of these things will worsen. And worse yet, you won't be there to protect your son if you think his parenting is so bad.

Your heart will tell you in time wether you want to try again with him or not (and it better be for good, for you son's stability's sake). Use the separation and the fact that you are still friends to "watch" him from afar and wait to see him take steps towards improving his life. Maybe he'll surprise you and you'll fall all over again for him. Or maybe he won't, maybe he'll just stay as he is (or worse), and, as much as you will feel sorry for him, you'll realize you made the right choice for your family (you and son). Maybe a more compatible man will come along and you'll see how effortless it is to share a life with someone similar to you. My advice is to take your time, in any case. By the way (different subject) why did you let your ex discipline YOUR son?

Did you file for a divorce or just separate? Either way you could try couples counseling. Maybe through counseling he could learn responsibility.

As far as the blanket NOs --- My dad was like that and my Mom to certain extent. My parents were the type of people who were not open to new ideas or things. No one in my Mom's family had indoor pets, or played a musical instrument so there was no reason for me to want this. She simply would not move even a little past her comfort zone. There are a lot of people like that.

But do not feel sorry for him because he lives in a friends basement. He is irrresponible with money and probably has no choice. This is HIS problem and he has to work it out. You are his wife not his Mommy.

He's living in the basement for the SAME reason you left him. Because he can't handle money. So every time you start to feel sorry for him, realize that INSTEAD you would be feeling sorry for yourself and your son not being able to live a life with things like food and electricity and you'd be schlepping your family into a friend's basement.

To know: I can't handle money, either. I'm TERRIBLE at it. I KNOW it. But I didn't sink to those depths, because I know it. When I was single (and now, 11 years later, single again), I hire an accountant to make sure my bills are paid. I work with my bills to make sure they are as low as they can be (like making sure there aren't leaks, etc.). Being willfully ignorant of areas we aren't good at is more than "just" being bad with money. My husband handled our finances when we were married, because he's decent about money, and I'm not (not that he let me forget that! He used it as a weapon against me. Fortunately, that's just because he's a slimebag, and not a reflection on me. I'm terrible at paying bills, but he can't swing a hammer. Just being bad at something is NOT a slur on that person.). There are MANY things I'm good at. There are many things I'm not. I'm not going to mess with the wiring in my house, because I'd electrocute myself or burn the house down. I hire an electrician. The same is true with finances. I hire someone who is good at it. What your husband was doing, sinking his head in the sand, and ruining your family's financial future is about waaaaaaay more than just money.

Definitely don't take him back just because you feel sorry for him.
If you're having second thoughts because you can get along so well now, consider that you're two people who can really, really care about each other and yet not be able to live with one another.
Then, there is always the chance that he could reform as far as his handling of money. If he wants to badly enough.

I know one couple that swears their divorce was the best thing that ever happened to them. They remarried and are still married 40 years later.
I know another couple that divorced and they got back together. They haven't remarried, but they've been together basically as man and wife for 17 years since their divorce.

Getting along isn't the same as being in love. Feeling sorry for him isn't a reason to reconcile.
If there is something deeper, you may well discover it.
If you are only separated, and nothing's final, who knows?

You were only married two years and the first years are actually the hardest.

At the very least, it can't hurt anything to remain at least friends and get along as well as you do for the sake of your child whether you are together or not.

Just my opinion.

I struggle with this sometimes too. I have 3 kids with my ex. They are very young and miss their daddy. So we do things with the kids sometimes. bike rides, eat out, school concerts, ect.
We enjoy ourselves and we remember all the good times we've had.
But sometimes the bad times outweigh the good and there isnt any going back.
Sounds like in your case if you guys still love eachother and maybe get some counceling you may be able to work things out. You can request reconcilliation counceling through the courts for free and they will help you work on your issues. GOod luck!

My ex husband and I are still really close friends a year and a half after our divorce. The first 6 months or so we were not (he had an affair and that's why we got divorced) but after talking a few times and having good conversations we realized that we were better off being good friends and raising our two kids together that way. We both decided that our kids needed to see us happy for them to be happy in life when they are adults. You want to be the best example that you can for your kids. I know there are people that don't believe in divorce, but when you can come out of one and still communicate daily and maintain a better friendship after than you had before it is worth it to me. I have never lost focus on why we split up, and I know that we are so much better off as friends only. You just have to get into that mind-set and not loose it. Good luck!!

I keep focus by thinking of my kids and what is best for them.

Marriage is about so much more than "getting along."
Before you separated did you work on your issues? Compromises must be made in any successful relationship. My husband and I handle discipline differently, but it works because we are CONSISTENT about it. The kids know I will cut them more slack and take a softer approach, and they know their dad will be harsher in his approach. I don't think there is anything wrong with that. As far as the money situation goes, that's a hard one, but again, something that could be worked on, if you BOTH made an effort to give and take.
I think you are lonely and backpedaling now because you are afraid to go forward alone. Feeling sorry for your husband is a TERRIBLE reason to take him back, and remaining friendly with him mainly because you still need his help? REALLY unfair :(
Take a long hard look at what you want your future and your son's future to look like, and make your decision based on THAT.