Both my husband and I are going through a probable seperation (after 2 years of marriage counseling, but he FINALLY has agreed to see his own, as I have done in the past. However emotions are high and either way we still need a break from each other).
We have crazy work schedules and typically split daycare between the 2 of us. However as of this week we are seriously thinking about seperating and we are trying to not be home at the same time. We have 2 little girls, 2 and 4. They know somethings up (especially the 4 yr old). She asks when are we going to have a family day and where is Daddy/Mommy? Right now we have been telling her that we are working or just out doing some stuff, ect. When and how much do I tell her? I know she is too young to understand but she definately knows something is up.
The way I see things is that right now because of our schedules, it could be Mommy or Daddy at home that night or even occasionaly both of us. Any advice would be greatly appreaciated.
Wanted to say thanks for all of your support and advice. We finally told them last weekend. We told them that we needed a little space...like a grown up time out. We also told them that sometimes Daddy would be here at night and sometimes Mommy would be here but not at the same time. Told her it wasn't their fault.....She honestly didn't care. She just wanted to go get her face paint on (halloween party) and then we spent the day together as a family. Thought I would die but kept it together pretty well! I haven't heard a thing from her since.
I wouldn't say anything until someone was moving out. That way theres no room for her thinking that she did something to cause it. Plus if you tell her and you are both home at the same time shes going to be really watching both of you and looking for "hope". Just my thoughts. Good Luck!
My Husband and I have gone through some tough times and I can relate to the perceptiveness of our little ones. We have two boys, 8 and 4 yrs. old, and they DEFINATELY know when something is wrong in their little worlds. The first thing I may suggest to you is make a decision as to what you and your Husband are going to do. Do not stretch out the inevatible. No family should stay together for "the children" it only hurts everyone in the long run. Then sit down with your children and talk to them. The youngest may not really be able to comprehend or even stay to listen but they need reassurance and stability to be happy and comfortable in the present situation. Let them know that sometimes Mommys and Daddys have a hard time getting along and have to live in different houses. Tell the girls that even though things did not work out the way the two of you wanted it to, Mommy and Daddy still and will always love them, none of this is their fault that it just happens sometimes. You will always be a family, just a different kind of family. May I also suggest counceling for the children and a trip to the library and get a couple of childrens books to read at home about different types of families and divorce. Whatever you and your Husband decide, always keep adult conversations AWAY from little ears. They may hear things they do not understand and bottle them up only to hurt themselves emotionally. Good luck and take care. Things will work out fine.
First of all I'm sorry to hear about your possible separation. Being married since I was 21, I have endured many challenges. We lost our 16 year son, I dealt with a family member drinking, many many many sleepness nights, arguments, and mention of divorce came up many times. Several miscarriages, and two living sons who endured the pain of seeing two parents fall apart through grief. It is now 9 years since we buried our son. We are still together, through the good and bad and we kept our faith and worked things out. Neither of us wanted to hurt our two remaining boys with divorce. We told the boys, who were 3 and 13 at the time that somehow we are going to make it. We all need to help eachother and stay together. I work with preschoolers and see the sadness in their live when a parent divorces or separated. The child is not the same. Worried and nervous and they have nightmares. Parents need to be their for their children. I don't understand how one loves one another so much to get married, then falls out of love so quickly when there is trouble. Don't the vows say for better or worse? You can try telling the children that dad and mom will always love them and are trying to work things out. Please not to worry about and don't show hatred in front of your children. Keep the personal problem between you and your spouse out of listening ears. Try doing something fun with the girls and keep close the them. As they get older, they will appreciate the time you took to comfort and listen to them and guide them through the years. They will be your best friends and you will need it to get you through. I am not an expert in this department, but only a sufferer who endured alot, learned alot, went to counseling, prayed, kept busy and didn't forget to keep active the lives of her two boys when times were rough. We pulled through, as a family, because there was strong enough love, patience, and the willingness to be there for eachother. We are married for 30 years. Children are never to young to understand or listen. You and your spouse may need counseling or an advice of a professional to help you get through all this. Good Luck.
Hello,
first of so sorry for your struggles.. I know being married or with someone is tough.. You will never find someone you are compatable with 100% of the time.. No matter how you tell your girls or when it is going to blow the world as they know it away.. They will blame themselves, they will look to see who is at fault, they will suffer for a while.. I will also say if you are only contemplating seperation take another look at your marriage. Did you love him at one time?? Did he love you at one time?? Alot of times when little things happen day after day we lose site of that.. Or when big things happen we forget all together that we really loved that person at one time.. Well if you really loved each other at one time you dont just fall out of love. You just lose sight of it.. When people now a days lose sight of it they find it easy to find faults and easier to just say lets quit and find the right person for me.. I guarentee if you are having problems with one person and quit the relationshp the same will happen with the next guy/girl eventually.. I am no expert by any means.. But i do have experience.. I married my husband when i was 17. I was not pregnant kids didnt come along till 10 years later.. I had only known him 5 months when we married but i knew i loved him.. 6 years into the marriage we were having a really togh time.. We decided to get seperated cause we couldnt be in the same room with out fighting.. It was tough.. It was really sad, scarry, and hard to go through but just as i we were ready to call it quits we sat down and talked really talked.. We knew we loved each other and knew that when we married we didnt want to ever get divorced.. So we decided to give it one more really really good try.. Anything worth having is worth fighting for.. Well we made it through it wasnt easy but we made it through we set up time each day that was time for us to be together with no arguing.. It worked.. After a lil bit i remembered the man i married and he remembered the person he married.. I knew i loved him more then then i ever thought possible.. But then the kids came 4 years later and it got tough again but we knew we would pull through cause we had before.. Then when we pulled through i loved him even more.. Then we had a really tough time with family and i thought i would lose it all together but he was my rock and he held on and today i love him so much more and he loves me so much more then we ever thought possible.. Every time you pull through a tough time you grow closer.. People today quit too soon.. You do not know what you are missing out on.. I will say it again anything worth having is worth working for.. A relationship is like a job it needs you to work on it to survive it and make it better.. I am not saying there are no reasons for divorce.. I would never stay with him if he beat me or my children.. I would like to say i would divorce him if he cheated on me.. I know i would have back then but after being married for 19 years i would look at when and where and why before i made that decision.. But i hope i never have to worry about that.. We both came from divorced families and both suffered and didnt want that route.. I am sure you can sugar coat it to try and make things better but i now know there is a better way.. A much better way.. I would have never imagined even when i married him 19 years ago i could love him or he could love me this much.. It is amazing.. Most people who get divorced dont ever get to see this part and they dont know what they are missing.. It is worth all the rough times you go through to get here.. And i am happy i made the decision to fight for waht is worth fighting for.. Good luck to you and your husband and your little girls..
Hi, I know this will probably not be the response you are looking for, but sometimes when we get too busy with our lives we forget why we were in love to begin with. Stress causes a lot of problems in marriages. If there was a chance for the two of you to take a couple days alone together, do something fun, and maybe even marriage counseling. This would be so much better for the children. Divorce causes so many problems in children and most people don't see it.
T.
Mom to 10 Great Kids!!!
Hi L.,
With our children it went if they were old enough to ask they old enough to get the truth to age level of course never add more then whats needs to be..I would tell her together and MAKE sure she knows that just because you and dad are not going to be together that you both still LOVE HER and her sister that will never change!! you need to tell her with the both of you together and remember this is for the girls so be nice to each other... Hope this helps Good Luck to all of you
Here is some off the cuff advice.
Unless you are being beaten, or your kids are being harmed, stick it out.
There is NOTHING that takes away the pain a child feels for the rest of its life when parents separate. NOTHING> No happiness that you have with another man will make the pain you see in their eyes go away. I promise you this.
I don't know everything, but I know about this.
Hi L., what you're going through is never easy. I am in the middle of a divorce myself. I have 3 children, ages 16, 7 & 3. Obviously the 16 year old knows & understands & is supportive of it. We told the kids on Aug 10th but my husband had been out of the house since mid June. My 7 year old had the hardest time with behavior issues but now understands. The 3 year old doesn't really get it but she knows Daddy & Mommy will not be living together anymore & that every weekend she will go to Daddy's. So far she seems to be fine with this arrangement. We also still get together to do things as a family & are trying hard to maintain a friendship. If that's possible for you I recommend it but we'll see how long we can keep it friendly before the little resentments start creeping back in!! Good luck. Just keep it simple cuz at that age they're not going to really understand.
to L. w
i wanted to know did you try couple thearpy before you give up your marriage. try to salvage whats left and see what went wrong on the marriage. and that do not go well then its time to explain to the oldest that mommy and daddy need a break and that you are to young to understand but i will explain when you get older
H.
Children are more receptive and intuitive than you may think. She may not bring things up or talk about it, but I would watch for physical cues, and behavioral cues..Kids that age are unaware of what they feel at times, and express feelings in other ways: Bed wetting, outburst of anger, tantrums, crying,drawing different pictures., emotional detachment/ or separation anxiety...So it is important to look more closely at how your children are behaving, especially during times like these. They can also sense the difference between family time, and( "family time"), especially how your husband and you interact..
