How to over Come My Divorce???

J., I'm so sorry you are going thru this, however you are doing the right thing. Give your children some time. They will adjust and come around. You will also get better every day. It all just takes time. You might want to consider counseling for you & your children. Also, get involved in something. Church, Friends, Family, Movies, Dancing. What ever keeps you busy. I wouldn't suggest the dating thing yet because you need time to heal and adjust. Also, check with your church about a program called Divorce Care. That helped me so much & to be honest, I really didn't think I needed it. It did wonders. I wish you all the best. You will come out on the better side of this.

Get them & yourself into counseling! Let a professional explain why it is not ok to hit or be hit!

Teenagers are very self centered. They have a hard time when ANYTHING takes attention away from them. Also, since it's what they have grown up with, they don't see anything wrong with how your relationship was not working so they are pissed at you for changing it. They still have some growing up to do. I would not leap into the dating scene right away. Concentrate on your work, self esteem and kids, and if you can get some family counseling it might help them see that what you did was for the good of them and you and not a selfish act on your part.

J.,

Don't beat yourself up. You must allow your children to feel their feelings. Divorce is hard for everyone involved. Often, children do not realize until years later the sacrifice that their parents made for them. You did not want to continue to set a negative example. You are still fresh in the divorce process. Take time to let yourself get through the stages of divorce. Keep communication lines open for your children. If possible keep communication lines open with your ex. I have been divorced for 2 years. I was separated for 9 months. I have created a seminar series to help people through the divorce process.
I also have a radio show on Thursdays, at noon, Jan7th on Blog talk radio. Go to www.organizeddivorce.com and www.divorcetalkradiolive.com to find out more. Feel free to contact me, if you need to talk.
Take care,
Danabeth S.
www.organizeddivorce.com
www.divorcetalkradiolive.com

It's common for children to "hate" one parent or the other - and sometimes both parents, but you have to understand they don't really "hate" you - they are upset, confused and scared of the unknown.

Your children are both old enough to a) know what was taking place between you and your husband and b) to understand what took place and know that it was not the way a loving couple treats each other. Talk to them, explain to them on their level why you have gotten divorced.

If I understand your posting correct, you were 15 years old when you married. Is that correct? If so, you were a child - you were your children's age - when you married. People change drastically during their 20's. You mature, grow up and discover things that are / are not important.

If you are happy now - congratulations! Continue to work on your self esteem, further your education if possible, make a better life for yourself and your kids.

Good luck!

I completely feel for you and your children. It's hard, and they probably don't even know why they are angry or understand what at. I would suggest you find a counselor that is experienced in dealing with divorced families. The children and you all need to talk through this. You need to talk through the pain of being in an abusive relationship for so long, and your children need to talk through their confusion. Maybe they don't understand what really happened. Nobody should assume they know what someone else understands without talking through it. Maybe they just don't get it and need some clarification. I would suggest you do seperate counceling and maybe some family counceling with just the three of you together. That way they can express to you how they feel with a mediator. If you don't have the money to get into this, maybe check online and see if you can find some free conceling or maybe a group you could go to. Their are always some in the area. You just have to look for them. Good luck. I'm sure your children do not hate you, and are just confused. Be proud of yourself because it is not easy to get out of a situation like the one you were in especially after so long. I can't speak for all the mom's here on Mamasource, but I can speak for myself and say that I am proud of you! It takes a lot to do what you did. Congratulations on your new found freedom! And good luck!

My thoughts are with you and your family.

D.

First, remind yourself that you made a healthy decision to leave an unhealthy situation and that it was the best for all involved. Then remind yourself that change is hard and when we are feeling lost, confused, uncomfortable or unsure we sometimes lash out at the very people we love. Then, go find counseling for yourself and your children.

You were in a difficult, toxic environment for a long time. It was bound to rub off on your children. Whether they gained a lack of respect for you because of your ex, I don't know. But they did not learn how to live in a healthy environment; they learned how to survive an unhealthy one.

What you offer them now is so foreign to them that it may be scary...change often is. Get into some counseling to help all of you gain some much needed insight into why you do what you do and what is and is not healthy. Often we have allowed others to walk all over ourselves because we were not fully prepared with the skills we need to deal with people who do not recognize the boundaries of others. You do not want to end up in another relationship like that or your children to end up being or with someone like that.

Keep moving on the right track and give yourself and your children the tools and outlet you all need to make better choices and find true happiness and satisfaction in life.

Wishing you the BEST!

If your husband was abusive to you, then you definitely did the right thing by leaving. Do your kids know that your husband was abusive? If not, don't sugarcoat things for them. I was in an abusive marriage and when I left I thought I was protecting my kids by not telling them the entire truth. I found out in therapy that I could be honest without sounding angry at my ex husband to our children. They will forgive you in time and realize that you had to make this decision to leave for your safety. Good luck and God Bless!

Your kids are at the age that they would hate you whether you got divorced or not. Do they live with their dad or you?

If you are happy, your kids will get over it. You may want to get some family therapy to get everyone back on the same page.

What are you doing in your life right n ow that is making you so happy? Do you have a new man or going back to school? Use that to talk to your kids about why you felt you had to make the decisions you did. Make sure they know it is not their fault.

Best of luck to you!

J.:
I know exactly how you feel but you need to get over those feelings. Your children do not hate you. They are disappointed that your marriage has come to an end and they are also nervous about having to go back and forth to see their father and probably worry about you. Kids talk among themselves and they know they are not the only children of divorce. They have to blame someone and you are the one they are living with. I went through some of that with my own children and through the years while they were still teenagers they would throw things like "this scarred me" or I hated this" etc. and then one day when they were older they told me they were really glad I had gotten a divorce as they knew how bad the marriage was and they were just worried their lives would change dramatically but it didn't and they thanked me for working so hard to keep their lives in order and not get them involved in "our" issues. I never talked badly about their father and tried to keep peace for their sake and it paid off in the long run. Their father and I are friends to this day, we just couldn't live together and I couldn't handle his severe drinking problem. I wanted better for my children than having to live with an alcoholic that wouldn't get help. Their father was a great guy but just had to many issues. When he was sober he was great, but unfortunately he was never sober on weekends, holidays or vacations. The kids have a great relationship with me today as well as their father and now they are grown with children of their own and one of my daughters is now divorced with two children as well and she has talked with me about her situation and told me she is content knowing she can handle being a single parent by my example which makes me feel terrific. Your children will grow to learn why things happen in time. In the meantime, just love them, do not talk bad about their father in front of them, do not pry and ask them what their father is up too, do not tell them everything that is going on with the divorce or complain if something didn't go your way in the divorce, just leave them to be kids and have their time. Trust me, in time they will certainly see their father's flaws. If you feel you should talk to them I would tell them that their father is a good man or you would have never married him, however sometimes two people just out grow one another or if they are aware of him hitting you etc. then tell them that he did and you just could not live like that anymore nor put them through that because that is not how a couple should live. They just want you both to be happy people. Whatever you do, do not lie to your children. Just omit things that they really shouldn't be involved in. Good Luck to you.

I fully agree with the previous poster. I would also add that you go to individual counseling and figure out what responsibility you have for being where you are. You note that your ex has lots of problems, but the fact that you were in that for so long and at such an early age shows that you have some problems, too, and maybe did not develop as a young teen should have since you were busy being a mother and wife.

Good luck to you and your children.

As a child of divorce, I can tell you that the kids will suffer. You need to do whatever you can to help them through it. They need you now more than ever. This is what kept me from hating my mom for leaving my dad: She never spoke badly about my dad. She never shared any details of the divorce or not getting child support. She never put us in the middle to share anything about what my dad was doing or what we did with my dad. She stayed civil with my dad and would compromise when he needed our visitation schedule changed. It was never a battle with us as the prize. She never dated until after we left for college. She sacrificed everything for us. She bought us clothes and necessities before she ever spent a dime on herself. Finances were tough but she found ways to do things inexpensively. We camped about every other weekend in the summer. (My friends were so envious.) She taught us how to sew our own clothes. She scrimped and saved so we could go visit relatives and have a few nice things. She made sure we spent time with supportive family with intact marriages so we would see what we should look for in a healthy marriage. She never talked about being poor or what we didn't have. She always reminded us of how blessed she was to have us kids. It was a hard life for her but I will always appreciate how she put us before herself. She is a rare human being who God blessed with a wonderful husband (who spoils her) once we were out of the house.

Be sure to listen to your children's pain. It is real and they need to know that you feel bad for them. Once they see that you will do whatever it takes to care for them and love them and put your needs aside, they will respect you. It will just take time for them to see that you will show them that sacrificial love that they need.

Since this is an area in which my business has expertise, I would like to extend a personal invitation to contact me about possibly sceduling an appointment or contact me for free consultation over the phone. We accept insurance and we offer a sliding scale.

Well I feel your pain, but trust me it will pass. After your kids see that you are happy and loving and your X is still a jerk they will get over the divorce. Same thing happened to me and both my boy's love me more than ever.

Good Luck--A.