Relationships/marriages

Hi S.,
I've been married 14 years and have O. child. Most days are 50/50 but some days are 60/40, 70/30 and some are 10/90 or 0/100 -- both ways!
My best advice is NOT to keep a tally of who's winning, who's putting forth more effort b/c I've found that over time, it equals out.
That said, my hubs is a hard working provider that loves me and cherishes his family above all. That eliminates a lot of little b.s. We don't "let" each other do things--hate that term--we simply live our lives to the fullest while taking all others needs into consideration. Obviously, I'm not having the girls night if hubby is away on business, right? Just like he's not going out with the boys if I'm down with the flu & puking.
I think women, in general, put everyone else's needs first--and with children, you DO have to do that--but it's REALLY important not to lose yourself and your own identity. YOU need to be on your list as well because a happy wife and mom is a GOOD wife and mom.

I cannot put a number on it... Maybe better not because then I can start counting who did what and how much :)
We give and take as we need. Sometimes I wonder if I marry a jerk, some other day I will trade my life to save his. It's always a work in progress. People change, we need to keep learning about our spouse. Just have to be thankful with what we have. And loving him/her means doing the best we can to make our spouse happy. I am trying to put his needs first, as I know he does that for our family also. In return, he's trying to please me and give me what I need. We're helping each other with the kids, chores, work, and everything that we can.
And for us, anniversary is a day that marks an achievement. It takes a lot to stay married, another year of loving each other is worth celebrating. This year we will be celebrating our 12 anniversary.

My husband and I do the 100/100 thing. We both give 100% to each other. It works very well. I think you learn this AFTER one failed marriage unless you are intuitive enough to learn it for the first marriage......
You hear it often from marriage therapists: Concentrate on what would make your partner happy. Most marriages are one sided for some reason, well the "troubled" ones. If we arent SELFish and do things to make your spouse happy it goes full circle. Giving is just as nice as receiving. Of course you have to have good enough communication with your spouse in order to make this happen. If you married someone that doesnt care whether you are happy or not, it wont work.

I think BOTH partners have to give 110%. If you are just giving 50%, you are drawing a line and saying " I am unwilling to do this because you haven't done this" and it becomes a comparison. You are always comparing what you do to what your partner does and that causes resentment.
We don't have separate accounts or set chores that are mine and his- although I tend to clean the house and take care of the kids, but that is because he works full time and I am at home. He helps with the kids and the chores especially when I am sick or feel overwhelmed- he cooks dinner about half the time and even does the grocery shopping for me if I don't want to do it. I help him with things for his work- like making posters, or baking cookies for all the employees. We give each other space when it is needed, but also love to just spend time together- lately we have been doing word search puzzles, but we went through a puzzle phase and put together about 50 puzzles in 6 months!
It is very much an ebb and flow relationship. Rarely are we both in a bad mood at the same time(which makes it nice) or stressed out at the same time to the same extent- we are very supportive of each other. Not that it's all roses- we do have our disagreements, but we are able to talk them out(sometimes it takes a while) and come out the better for it.
Plus it seems like the more you are willing to give, the more your partner is willing to give also(this isn't always the case) but it will be a tougher relationship with both only giving 50% or even with one giving 110% and the other 50% - you have to pour all of yourself into your marriage to make it work- and that can be tough sometime.
Great question! (we have been married for almost 12 years and have 6 kids)
~C.

IMHO I think it is crazy to think any relationship will be 50/50. Someone is always doing more or less per the other person's filter on the situation.
I have seen where that mentality has gotten people I know (ahem, ME when I was first married) into holding grudges, keeping score about who does what and how that is "fair" or "Not-fair"
I snapped out of that menatility after the first year of marriage and was, quite honeslty exhausted and unhappy.
I read the book Power of a Praying Wife and also began looking at what God wants for marriage and once I had the right perspective it was so much easier.
We have only been married 10 years, but I believe marriage is about respect & communication. Giving respect even when you aren't getting it to the level of your satisfaction and acting in a way the JUSTIFIES receiving it. And learning how to effectively communicate with one another- however that works for your dynamic.
rambling a bit, but wanted to share that:)
Welcome to the forum. I am usually not so preachy - LOL!

My husband and I believe in putting the needs of the other person before your own, so I guess that would make it 100/100. Sometimes it's hard because we're human and of course we want to think about ourselves, but I believe that is part of loving someone is really putting them ahead of you. There will be days where you might put more into the relationship, but rest assured, there will be days where he puts more into the relationship. The times when I really wrestle with my thoughts, I remind myself of my wedding vows. The day I took them and entered into this lifelong commitment is the day that I said life is no longer about me. I've never regretted it! I love my husband and I love meeting his needs. As hard as it may be to put myself aside on the other side of the situation I am always glad that I did. I know he does the same for me.

As far as how we view marriage, we view it as an institution for life. Until God calls one of us home we are in it through thick and thin. Divorce is not an option. We look at each other as a gift from God. Also, you have to remember that your husband will never fulfill all your needs. He was never meant to. There are some needs that only God can fill and if you expect your husband or anyone for that matter to be able to fill those needs you will only ever be disappointed. Marriage is such an incredible gift. I love being married, but most of all I love being married to the man I'm married to :). I like this question - a lot!

I see our relationship as 50/50. Both my DH and I work fulltime and with three kids so we have to be a united team. We get along so much better when we are communicating and get important events and other committments on the calendar. We are working on having date nights and he let's me have my girls night out etc...Of course there are days when it is not perfect...but if I know my hubby is trying I feel good about it and don't sweat the small stuff. Too busy for that. Plus, I love doing whatever I can to show appreciation for him as a husband and father.

I believe for a marriage to be strong and to be sucessful, both husband and wife have to give over 100%. You put your whole heart and mind and body into your relationship.

M

Ours is 50/50. We've been happily married for almost 17 years, and we communicate very well. We have a good time together, and take into consideration each other's interests. We both work full-time and work hard to keep the house clean and laundry done (kids help, too). My husband gets the kids to school in the mornings, and I pick them up in the afternoon. We live on a small farm, so there are quite a few responsibilities that go along with taking care of the animals and property, and we share in taking care of all of that as well. We also agree in parenting and financial matters, and that probably helps more than anything. Our difficulties come with time management. My husband works long hours, so we miss each other. Through the years we've learned to manage his schedule, but that is what we argued about more than anything else. Now he doesn't work quite as much, and we've settled into a nice routine. The kids are a bit older and that makes things easier, too. We really work at our marriage. We want to be sure that we have things to talk about other than just the kids so that when they are grown and moved out we aren't left staring at each other. We both have lots interests that we share with each other so that we DO have things to talk about. It's been a fun journey so far!

I see ours as 0/100, 100/0 and everything in between. Marriage is give and take. Some days you are the one doing ALL the giving. Some days you are receiving receiving receiving and not giving much of anything. That's what marriage is. You are there for your partner when they need you. When we are both at our best and things are clicking along and everybody is happy and no crisis rears it's head.. it's more like 50/50. But most days one of us is having a better day than the other. Or one has a better morning than the other, or whatever.

You just can't keep track. There really is no point. You give when you see a need and you can fill it. The harder "trick" is to not put your husband LAST after your kids. It's very easy to always push his needs down the list b/c the kids "can't do for themselves" at certain things. It doesn't mean you ignore your kids or always put THEM at the end either. Sometimes your kids really need you right then more than your spouse (especially when they are small), but sometimes it is just a habit and really, they can wait a few minutes while you finish what you are doing with/for your husband. I have found that my husband gets crabby if I don't respect that difference.

We have been married 14 years and have 2 kids.

We both give and take. I'm not allowed to paint, or handle sharp objects, so he picks up the slack on that. He's horrible at balancing the checkbook and doing laundry (correctly). He enjoys doing outside work (mowing, trimming), I enjoy cooking. After many years of being Miss Independent, I find it ironic that we work really well as an 'old fashioned type' couple (him working, me staying home, etc), because I never saw myself in this role. I think being open to change on both sides is very important.

It depends on where you are in the marriage. When children come into the family the numbers change as to who does what. After children leave the numbers change again.

Sometimes it takes a serious illness for one of the partners to realize what they have and to be thankful for the person standing by their side through the storm. I had always wished for my husband to be around when I went to work to see me off. It took a very serious situtation for him to wake and realize what he had and almost lost. How he makes coffee, sees me off in the morning and putters around the house until I come home.

You do have to put the other person's before yours but not to the extent that cause yourself harm and loose you.

Enjoy each other every day and say I love you and really mean it. Always remember why you married your mate even in heated arguments. Stop and smell the roses along the way. Don't sweat the small stuff because it really doesn't matter.

The other S.

I agree that a better way to look at it is that both of you give 100%. My husband and I both put each others' needs/wants first. We don't expect anything to be reciprocated, we just do it b/c we love each other that much. We both have to be reminded, and sometimes pushed, to do something for ourselves. We both give so much to each other and our children that sometimes we forget about ourselves. (That's when I let him sleep in really late on a weekend, or he tells me to go shopping and buy something for myself LOL)
I think when we lean toward selfishness, that's when most of our arguments happen. When we both remember to give our all and keep a good attitude, that's when things are smooth and steady in our relationship.

Hi, S.:
Marriage/relationship is about reciprocity. Both partner's needs are important. This is negotiated by the partners as their relationship developes.
Thanks for asking.
Good luck in your quest for knowledge and awareness.
D.

I guess I'd say it changes as we change and life changes. It always "should" be a priority, but for me I have forgotten that - and been reminded and do a better job. The most important thing is to be able to talk about it - your relationship, you values and your goals. Life is continually changing as are we. Take it as it comes, and let that person know how important they are to you!

To me, I think we are equal parts in a relationship. Each of us makes up 1/2 of the relationship/marriage/parents. That being said, it depends on what is going on in our life and what schedules we work that really dictates the percentages. I feel like I try to put my husband's wants and needs before mine, but there are times when the kids come first (if they are sick, have a dirty diaper, etc) and I'll attend to them before going to see something my husband wants to show me.

And always be sure to say I love you at least once a day if not more!!! And make sure that you give them a kiss or hug either when they are leaving or when they get home. Every day! My husband and I don't always do this in the mornings but I make a point to do so when I get home!

My husband has worked four different shifts since we first started dating and got married. One of the shifts he worked before we had kids so we've never both been on the same schedule work-wise once we had kids. When he was working Mon-Friday nights and I was working Mon-Friday days, I did all of the work with the kids, got them ready for daycare/dropped them off/picked them up/fed them, etc. I also tidied up around the house and then on the weekends we would be together. Now that he is on the weekend shift, the kids are no longer in daycare and he has them Mon-Thursday all day and he feeds them/does most of the laundry/dishes/etc. So our roles have reversed!!

I believe our marriage works because we communicate with each other openly and honestly, we love each other for who we are and accept the good/bad things about each other and do not try to change each other and because we have a good sex life and want/believe in the same things financially. We do not always agree but when we don't, we agree to disagree. We do not mind spending time apart (but in the same house) doing whatever makes us happy. We try to find the money for each of us to buy the things we want or make the time for each of us to spend time with friends away from each other and the kids.

As far as making it last - I think keeping things interesting in the bedroom is a good place to start!! I also think truly showing appreciation for each other goes a long way. I'll thank him for doing something as simple as folding the laundry (instead of washing/drying/putting it in a basket) and he'll thank me or comment on how nice the house looks when he gets home from work or how he is really proud of me for working out. It's those little things that keep it interesting. We still write each other notes on paper or post its (or texts) and remind each other of how much we miss / love each other. We never go to bed mad - even if that means staying up really late talking. For the most part, we do not fight. Because when we do, we usually agree to disagree (as I said above) or one of us will apologize shortly after a spat!

yup, pretty much 50/50. that doesn't mean we keep a careful tally or each does half of everything that needs to be done, it just means we stay balanced in our care and tending of each other and our family. at the moment i'm only working a few hours a week, so i can be more solicitous of him. when i was working 3 jobs, what energy i had went solely to the kids. he's an organized, tidy person and i'm....er......not. so right now i'm doing more than i really like to keep the place in order so he doesn't have to spend his precious time off doing it. but he vacuums. cuz i hate that.
i guess the main thing is that we stay tuned into each other. that might mean i encourage him to go to a baseball game, or arrange a weekend getaway for us, or it might mean he takes care of the horses while i spend a day on the couch watching firefly. it's never *actually* 50/50 but it balances beautifully in the long run.
khairete
S.

I think that we all see the struggle from our own point of view but don't take the time to see our spouse's struggles. Once I stopped seeing it as poor me and realized that he had some real pressure on his shoulders and told him that I would be on his side and support him, things got better...not saying it''s perfect because I still feel that I'm not doing enough to enrich myself because of my obligation to husband and kids, but I realize it's temporary and promised myself to follow through when I can.

Some things are 90/10, some are 60/40 others are 20/80. It just depends on what it is or the situation. He has his responsibilities and I have mine, but we both help each other. We try to focus on each others strenghths. Also, its always changing, the kids getting older and having different needs, our employment responsilbilites and time constraints, our health, the economy, etc.

I think a good relationship depends on respect, compromise, and communication.

i think it depends on the relationship. are you a sahm or a working mom? does your spouse work or stay home? what kind of jobs are they? is htere a disablity one of you have? i agree with the posts that say you have to put your all into the relationship and not hold score. you do what needs to be done when it needs to be done. for instance, my husband does yard work. i don't. i clean the house. he doesn't. fair trade. i hate yard work and he hates house work. i cook dinner and while i do that he (used to bathe the kids when they were younger) plays with the kids to keep them out of the way. we each offer something we can bring to a relationship to make it work. i think a good relationship is putting the other persons needs above your own (this works both ways) that way the other person feels loved, wanted, and appreciated.