Need Advice on Marriage!!

I'd try to approach him at a time when you're both relaxed and have time to talk, and use the simple (hard to do, but helpful) approaches in "men are from mars, women are from venus". It seems silly, but the book does have some helpful ideas. If there's any way he'd read it, too, that would be great. It is entirely possible that he has some mild depression, but whatever is going on, it has to change. You'll become more and more resentful, and you'll grow apart from one another if you don't start doing things together. I think marital counseling would be the best thing here. Good luck, and remember, marriage should be a partnership- and it can be again!

First of all, is he depressed? If he has not always acted this way and this is a big change in his attitude, something could be medically wrong with him. If not, look at the life you want for you and your kids. I was married for 13 1/2 years before I was strong enough to get out of a marriage where I did it all. It gets old real quick. Resentment sets up in your heart. If you lose respect for someone its hard to stay in love with them. Be bold and honest with him and let him know what you will not tolerate. Be sure you are ready to back up what you say, though. good luck to you. I have found a man that is wonderful and makes me really appreciate what a loving relationship is really like.

Hi,

Since you attend church check with your pastor about marriage counseling. It sounds like you husband is suffering from minor depression or something along those lines. It's much hard for men to admit this. See if he will make an appointment with his doctor as well.

good luck

GO TO YOUR CHURCH PASTOR AND TALK TO HIM AND THEN APPROACH YOUR HUSBAND WITHA LOVING GENTLE ATTITUDE AND ASK HIM IF YOU HAVE DONE SOMETHING WRONG TOI MAKE HIM WANT TO BE ABSENT IN YOUR MARRIAGE AND IN YOUR FAMILY? SOMETIMES TURNIONG THE TABLES AND ASKING IF IT IS SOMETHING YOU HAVE DONE TENDS TO HELP OPEN UP A LOVING MAN. HE KNOWS HE IS HURTING YOU BUT WILL NOT BE WILLING TO CHANGE UNTIL HE IS CONFRONTED WITHOUT BLAME. I HAD AN EXPERIENCE WITH MY HUSBAND A WHILE BACK, IT WAS SO BAD I FINALLY WENT TO MY PASTOR AND THE ADVICE HE GAVE ME WAS THE HARDEST THING I EVER HAD TO TAKE AND WHEN I FOLLOWED IT MY HUSBAND FINALLY CAME TO ME AND ADMITTED HE WAS HURTING ME AND BEING BLIND TO OUR PROBLEM. IT CHANGED OUR MARRIAGE AND WE HAVE BEEN HAPPILY MARRIED FOR 7 YEARS AND COUNTING. THE BIBLE SAYS LOVE UNCONDITIONALLY. 1CORIN 13 THE CHAPTER OF LOVE, AND THEN THE BOOK OF SOLOMON ARE GREAT ANSWERS TO HOW TO TREAT YOUR HUSBAND EVEN WHEN HE DOES NOT TREAT YOU WELL. SMOTHER HIM IN LOVE. IT IS HARD BUT IT WILL WORK. KEEP PRAYING. WITHOUT CEASING THE BIBLE SAYS. IT WORKS. YOU CAN EMAIL ME AT ____@____.com IF YOU NEED ANYTHING. MARRIAGE IS NEVER EASY WITHOUT GOD IT IS EVEN HARDER. GOD BLESS AND TAKE CARE.

Sounds alot like my husband! We've been married for 5yrs now and have experienced alot together. Remember you can't change a man, you can only change yourself. So try to stay positive. I've noticed that when I put forth the extra effort, my husband will too and it makes things so much better when we meet each other half way. Good luck!

It depends on what you want out of it. I know many women out there like to have an attitude and say that men need to do equal parts around the house and with the kids. That all depends. By nature we were created to be the loving nurturer. We live in a different society now where women also have to work or in some cases just want to, which makes a difference. Since you work full time too, then it would be helpful if he could help out with some of the things that you currently have to do. However you are going to have to sit down and have an adult conversation with him to see if you guys can find a happy medium for what each one should be accountable for doing. It is hard. You are definitly working overtime, but in all honesty it would be quite an abrasive tactic to use ultimatums. I don't recall "use retaliation and threaten to not do chores" being a part of my "to love and to honor for better or worse" vows I made on my wedding day. Ultimatums destroy marriages or at least make for a miserable marriage if it is able to last. You may be best off finding a counselor thru your church to help mediate and make it more fair. It is possible your hubby just needs someone he trusts to help him understand that since you are working full time and attending college, he may need to help out some. Have you tried just telling him that you feel overwhelmed with the load and need help? Men need specifics. They do not think like we do. Good luck and God Bless!

B. :)

OH MY! I have been w/ mine for 11 years and he is very sim. It has gotten better over the years. You cant do it all on your own, you will burn out. You will hate him and regret the marriage. Put your foot down NOW! Ask him for help, if he doest help you out stop doing a chore or two. I really dont know how you do it. Props to you girlfriend! You are a single mother w/ about 190 pounds of dead husband weight. GO ON A DIET! Help out or get out! You can do it on your own you already are. He will resist at first but be firm. He doest want to loose you or his kids. Do you want to live like this for the nxt 40 years? Do you want your kids to have a relationship like yours? If he helps you out more he gets more. Go for his ego. You wont be as tired and stressed. Stop it now before its to late.

Dear B., You may not like this advice but here goes. I am 41 and went through the same thing with 4 children. I did graduate in 2005 too. I stopped doing his laundry, I stopped fixing his meals and making his lunch and all of the things he took me for granted with, I made sure the children had what they needed but when he whinned he either got it hisself or went hungry, or naked or dirty if he couldn't draw his own bath, you get the idea. He didn't marry his mamma did he? Mine got the idea and started really contributing as a equal partner in our marraige not just a guest in our home. Good luck, T. K.

Sit down when the kids go to bed and have a long talk.Ask him why he don't want to help you anymore and explain that you can't do all of it alone.No one should have to try and do all that alone.If he really cares than he will listen to what your saying.Let one another talk without interupting and explain on both sides what is wrong.Maybe you both will learn something new and realize being a parent or partner in marriage takes teamwork.If none of this helps seek professional help.Your young and he probably is to.It's hard having that many responsibilities.If you need a friend to talk to you can e-mail me anytime.I'm young with a family too!It has lots of ups and downs.

I'm 22 and have been married for almost 2 1/2 years. My husband and I have one son. It sounds like your husband and my husband should get together or something because he acts the same way! I wish I could give you advise on what to do but I myself am stumped! We have pretty similar situations. I'll be praying for you, for strength and paitience. And just remember to give everything to God. I wish I could be more help. Let me know how everything goes.

I would say talk to your husband about this situation. Communication is the key to any relationship. If you don't feel u can talk about it face to face write him a letter and let him know how u feel.

Only one reader really hit the nail on the head. They asked if your husband was suffering from depression. I say this cause the man your describing used to be my husband. He finally went to the doctor because the red cross wouldnt let him give blood cause he had high blood pressure. So he went to see his doctor and he also discovered he was suffering from depression ( which runs in his family). Now that he is on meds he is back to the man i married. We celebrated our 7th year in july. I am so glad that he saw his doctor. I might not have been with him today if he hadn't.

My advice is to get help now! This all sounds so familiar to me, I lived it. You need to openly voice your needs and if that does not help, get a professional involved. When you feel like you are raising this family on your own, eventually you will be happier on your own. Which is not what I am reading that you want.
I struggled with this same problem for years with my husband. We have now been seperated for a year. He refused to help or contribute in any way, including working. I have personally found it rewarding to do it all with out him. I would have loved to have saved my marriage. My advice to you is to get help and to respect yourself first and foremost! You deserve to be happy. Quit doing everything for him, insist that he help. One way I used to retaliate to this is to stop doing his laundry and cooking his meals. Do things for everyone else but him. When he complains about it, tell him that you have enough to do with raising the kids on your own. If he would help you, you would make the time to help him and tend to his needs too. Remember that no matter how old men get, they are just as needy as children. So child psychology works on them. Use the denile and reward system. I know this all may sound silly, but some of it should help! IF you need anything more, I have lots of ideas! You can reach me at ____@____.com

I completely sympathize with your situation. I had the same problem with my husband for about two years. I cleaned my house by myself and went to college online. I was working for the first year and for the second I was pregnant with our daughter. My husband and I fought constantly because I was doing everything while he was doing nothing. I still can not to this day get him to get family pictures done so that we can give them out to our family. But I am working on that one. What I had to do was give my husband choices. He could choose to either start participating in his family's lives and start helping around the house more, or he could find out what it would feel like to not have his family around. It was hard for me to do this, but once I did and he saw that I was serious, he really did some serious thinking and decided what was most important to him. Sometimes putting your foot down and standing your ground is what it takes to make necessary changes in your life. May God be with you in these troubling times.

My husband has been going through a similar situation. About two and a half years ago, he had some stuff happen to him. I thought that we had dealt with it and that he was okay. But he got progressively more withdrawn from life. He was very depressed. We met with our pastor and then he went to a doctor. They prescribed him an anti depressant and that has helped alot.

If you have a pastor that you can go to for help, I think that is the place to start. Also, he has to realize that there is a problem and that you are done living like that. I kicked my husband out until he went to talk to someone and that jolted him into action. (He was only gone one night) I know for me, it was much easier dealing with him when i knew that things were going to get better and that there was hope. Good luck.

I don't blame you for getting tired of it. He is your husband and needs to be a part of your family too, in public and at home. Have you sat down and really told him how you feel about it? How much it hurts you, have you considered counseling? You said that you were involved with the church, maybe you could talk with your minister he/she might be willing to sit down with you both too. You need to get it figured out now before it gets too far out of hand!

My ex was the same way so if you ever want to talk or get thigns off your chest feel free to email me!

S.

B.:

For such a young woman, you have a lot going on (mom, work, college...) good for you! You should be proud. However, at the same time you are enabling your husband to keep doing what he is doing (as you have described, that is "nothing"). I would suggest couples counseling. It can be through a church or another provider (Social worker or Psychologist). I would also sit down with him in a calm manner, and tell him how you feel and what you are willing to do/and not do. Maybe there is something going on with him (depression), or maybe not. Marriage and parenthood is a 50/50 deal (okay, sometimes 60/40).
A. L

I just wanted to say, all the responses on here really helped me also. I just started in here, but I am in the same boat. I have been married just over a year, have a 3 year old, 1 dog 1 fish and 3 cats, 51% share holder in a business with my grandfather, and commute 2 hours round trip to school 5 days a week to get my teaching degree.

So believe me, I feel the stress. My husband acts the same way though and he works 2nd shift which means he is home most of the day while I am gone. You would think he could at least pick up after himself while he is home. Nope I do when I get home. The advise is nice to hear and helpful too. Thanks to everyone that was responding to B. B because it helped B. E (ME) :)

okay so by now after all these responses you know you're not alone...one couns. told us..."they don't change...your spouse is what they are...if you expect change you will be disappointed." the 2nd couns. told us basically they're just dishes...it's just laundry...if they don't get done they don't get done...so I quit washing his clothes...and the dirty dishes started accumulating in HIS spaces...that was pre kids though so that might be tough. WHAT I Do know for sure tho, My mom hates herself for having quit college to be superwife/supermom...my dad worked a LOT!!! and I also know my father in law did jack squat so that's what my husband modeled AT FIRST...I now make honey-do lists so he can feel proud of himself while he checks the things off. works like a charm. and it may seem like one more thing to have to do...(make a list) but it will be a shorter time expense than for you to have to do everything on the list. AND ALWAYS remember and keep close the reasons you fell in love with him to begin with...they're still there...you're just navigating some rough water right now...it'll ease up.