Has Anyone Else Been Here??

Find a good marriage retreat, get a babysitter and go! You can salvage this but you both have to want it and work for it. Other suggestion is find some lingerie he can't ignore and follow him to the garage.

"We both love our baby girl and i am sure that is the only reason we are together still." Run with that-you'll be ahead of 99% of all marriages-because when you treat each other with respect and dignity-for the sake of your little girl-you can move mountains.

The part that REALLY concerns me is :

"Where would I go? What woild I do? I have nowhere to go."

Shudder.

It's called a hotel, apartment, friends / family... hundreds of places "to go". What would you do???? Live your life, work a job, see your daughter.

Sheesh. Talk about a helpless / poor me / you suck, but I don't want to be inconvenienced kind of answer.

That HURT me to read it. Ouch. I'm so sorry.

The part that makes me smile. A WEEK? That's not a routine you're stuck in, darlin. A rut is when that goes on for MONTHS. Even YEARS.

Yes. Early on in marriage, before I knew that was a HUGE warning sign ("I don't have anywhere else to go" is NOT a reason to be living with/married to someone... and is a common reason given by people who are using the other person but really don't care about them at all).

Counseling or Separation or both would be my recommendation.

I have to disagree with the post about you doing all these changes. Your post is clear in that you love him and want it to work. Your husband is the one with the problem and he is the one that needs to change. The previous post made my stomach turn, it basically told you to turn into a 50's Stepford wife and cook, clean, and wear pearls while cleaning the house. You need to understand that you will survive with OR without him. Your daughter should be your main focus. If the relationship between you and your husband is affecting her even in the slightest, you need to talk to your husband. Yes it will hurt if he says he wants to separate, but that is not the end-all-be-all of the marriage. Maybe since y'all got married so young he is feeling a little resentment or like he missed out on something. That is definitely something that can be overcome with counseling or just communicating.
Whatever you do, do not change who you are to become who you think he wants out of a wife!!!

Print out your question.

Let Husband read.

Discuss.

Weight lifted and maybe future seems less foggy.

Your marriage is salvageable. You both need to work on it. My husband and I went through a similar phase several years ago. We saw a marriage counselor through our church 2 or 3 times. We read "Dr. Phil's book Relationship Rescue" and worked on it together. It really helped! I know some couples who did the "Fireproof" dare and it saved their marriages.

I have two very short videos for you to watch together. They are only about 3 minutes long a piece but very worth it. They are religious in nature, but even if you are not religious, they have many wonderful things to help marriages:

http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages?la...

http://www.lds.org/media-library/video/mormon-messages?la...

Y., I agree with DOP, this is a very honest humble post from a person who really wants a better relationship. He should know these things. Just the way you said it here to us.

I think there's hope for you and your husband after all. I think it's just plain ole communication issues.

Really, have him read this. Let him get mad if he likes, for posting your private business on the internet, but then hopefully an honest line of communication will follow.

Best to you and your family!

:)

It is not the loving or responsible thing to do to "just fold" when you're in a dispute in a relationship. It builds resentment on both sides. You end up feeling like the martyr and he sees you playing the victim. And let me tell you something, if you made a mistake 5 years ago, that's ok it's not too late to right the wrong.

If he feels stuck, then tell him "I hear that you feel stuck in this marriage and that's NOT the way I want to live my life or want you to live yours. Let's get counseling, let's talk, let's try to figure out how to have an awesome marriage".

I firmly believe you have you earn your way out of a marriage...in other words, fight for it until you've exhausted the options. Just calling it quits because it's not great isn't a good enough reason.

You guys are in your mid 20's I'm guessing. Married 5 years. Marriage goes thru ups and downs. People that have been married for 50 years had their ups and downs. If you want to change things up in your relationship--then start changing things up. Men are pretty simple. If you truly love him, you know what would make him happy.......you did what you needed to do to keep his attention in the beginning. He's still the same guy.

Yes. You have two options...do nothing and be miserable until one or both of you folds or explodes OR you say/do something to change things for the better (one way or another).

I was tired of talking and not being heard, not being taken seriously, and/or being misinterpreted (who would think that I actually meant WHAT I said instead of somethign else!). I wrote (typed) a letter, reread it and corrected it. I waited a few days and reread and revised it. Then I did it again. After about a week and a half and printed it and gave it another read before having my hubby read it. The reason I had waited is so I was sure I wasn't giving it to him in anger or in reaction to a particular event (there was a "hair that broke the camel's back" that caused me to write it in the first place). And the going about things separately had been going on for years not a week or two so I was really feeling like I had one foot out the door and it was a last ditch effort to make things right for my daughter...I don't believe in staying together and being miserable but I do believe that you owe it to the kids and yourself to give it your all.

I just started to read the other posts and stopped. I don't believe that only one person can put forth all the effort; however, marriage is not 50/50 either...it is 100/100. You can't make someone else put forth effort, all you can do is your best. That said, if you make some changes it can affect how your spouse acts or responds to you. If you are already doing the right things, maybe there are some small changes you can make but you shouldn't have to do a 180 (unless you are just not trying which doesn't sound like it's the case).

Good luck...the road isn't easy or short!

Dear Y., most marriages go through a stage of "disconnect" like you described. I also got married at 21 and have been married for 21 years, but NOT without needing to go to counselling. I encourage you to look into Imago Therapy. It not only saved my marriage but it also made hubby & I better parents and people. My therapist actually congratulated us when we went to her cos she said that most people only seek help when their THIRD marriage fails, and they finally realise that it takes 2 to both make and break a marriage. You're still young. If you're 100% sure he's not willing to work things out, fine. Personally, I thank God every day that I chose to fight for my marriage. Either way, I strongly recommend that you go to an Imago Therapist before embarking on a new relationship. I wish you and your precious child all the best.

You and your husband CAN work on your relationship. Maybe you are falling out of love, yet the two of you can fall in love.

Many men are not good at conversation. He may never be good at expressing himself. I do have to say the grass may or may not be greener on the other side,yet you could water your own grass and turn it green.

I recently was at a MOPS meeting and an older couple said their first ten year were fine (not great, just there). The wife was so busy with her small children and the husband worked a lot. Now 30 years later they are happier than ever. This is a Christian group and they did say including God into their lives helped. They also try to do things together when possible.

He does not know how... to express himself or his feelings articulately.
Which may be common, for men.
And men, often also, get "overwhelmed" when a Woman.... starts to, in rapid sentences, tell them how they feel or think. Then a man, shuts-down.
Because they don't know how to respond. So thus, they appear, apathetic. Which your Husband may very well be.
Or men shut-down... because they are afraid of saying anything "wrong." And don't want to be shot down for it.
Women, are much more verbal, about their feelings and often talk in a rapid fire manner. Which then makes the man shut-down or give up.

Your Husband seems confounded. And apathetic by the way things are.

Have you ever asked him, what he wants or what he thinks is wrong or how he feels, or what he needs????

He seems to be in a rut. And does not know how to get out of it.
Which can occur to anyone.... due to life's routines and habits and just life.

Tell him, he needs to be PRO-active.
Perhaps you BOTH need to seek counseling.
Give him, the opportunity... to ALSO, come up with ideas about how to solve things.
Some men, get overshadowed by more emotionally competent women. Thus they don't say anything productive. And just get resentful.

Then, maybe this is just a crutch for him.
He just does not know... what to do. Or how to problem solve it.
So, tell him, it is time to get pro-active.
Be a man.
Or you both go to counseling.

You need to tell him I need you to listen, when I am done you can tell me how you feel. Talk to him just as you have written here. Don't get upset or worked up, be honest and true to how you feel. If he loves you then he will take in some if not most of what your saying and you can try to go from there. Communication is the key as well as trying not to start every sentence with "You don't". Your both in the relationship point out your flaws and things you need to work on as well and maybe you can try therapy from there. The grass isn't always greener on the other side and marriage is hard, no matter who your with there will be peaks and valleys.
Good luck!
Take care.

It looks to me like you have a couple of choices:
You can be miserable, quit on your marriage, wallow in what feels like a bad mistake. OR you can change things. You can decide that this is a marriage worth fighting for. You can change your attitude towards your husband and make your home one he wants to come home to. You can work to let him know that *you love him.* You can cook delicious meals for him, greet him with a warm, happy smile, thankful to see him at the end of the day. You can teach your daughter to delight in him when he walks in the door (although children don't normally need this encouragement!). As his wife, you have incredible power. You are not a victim. You turn his head either towards you or away from you. It will take time to prove to him that you delight in him, are thankful for him, respect him, and consider him a man worthy of honor. Men thrive on this! If you want him to desperately want to be with you and your daughter, to be in your marriage, you need to show him that you feel the same way. Don't wallow in self-pity for another minute. Take the bull by the horns and *LOVE* him. Just as I'm sure you vowed to do at one point five years ago. Age is not a factor in this equation. Serve him, love him, be honoring and respectful towards him. In a month's time, just see if he isn't willing to die for you at a moment's notice. Have patience. Work for what you want. If you leave, the problem is that you take yourself witih you. The issue isn't merely him. It is both of you. Just like in all marriages. Before you entertain leaving, consider the idea that you will revisit this issue with pretty much any man, only you will now have two men in your life: your daughter's father (and you will have the complications of splitting your time with her with him--horribly difficult for all involved), and the new guy who won't be perfect either. Seriously consider this. Marriage is very hard. Every relationship has ups and downs. Stick with it. The downs make the marriage stronger when you get through them. It is unreasonable to expect highs for 20+ years. It just doesn't happen.

Hello Y., my name is L. and while I do not profess to be a marriage or relationship counselor, I have been happily and unhappily married for 25 years. I hear you loud and clear when you say you may have married too soon or for the wrong reasons. I also married young and 5 children later, am beyyer for it,but there habe been times when I doubted my choice and questioned my partners committment. I believe during these times of doubt and c'onfusion, I was missing me. The me I use to be, before the husband and children. This may not be how you feel but perhaps your husband is yearning fot the life he had before the responsibilities. In short, perhaps uoi both are feeling a little resentment at being who you've become and neither signed on for. My solution: do something different. Anything. Just change it up, do or say something (within reason) very different than what you would normally do or say. I know it sounds too simple, but unless you and your husband ate truly considering divorce, try this. It makes you see eachother through different eyes and perhaps appreciate what brpught you to tegether.

I don't think anyone can tell you whether your relationship is salvageable because no one else is in it. But, in my opinion, you have to make a choice one or the other, or you're making a choice without even realizing it to just keep things how they are. You either change things now or live the rest of your life like this. At least that was how I saw it when I was in a similar situation a couple of years ago -- he went to work, came home, went into his video game room, and we didn't see him again until the next day for the 30 seconds it took him to walk from the front door to his video game room. The only time he talked to me was to apologize for never helping me with our son but he still refused to help. I'm now a single parent and leaving was the best decision I ever made because everything was so much harder with him. But it was the best decision FOR ME -- not necessarily you. No matter what you choose, it's not going to be easy. I think you have to decide what you're willing to work for -- your relationship or your freedom? The other thing I will tell you is that, even after I left, I still had to communicate with my son's father because we have a child together and he got MUCH nastier after I left.