Relationship Advice - Altamonte Springs,FL

No man is worth crying over. If he broke up with you then it's his loss not yours. Move on. You should be focusing on your daughter and not him. I got divorced when my girls were 3 and 5. I put my focus on making us a better life. I stayed single and did not do any dating for a long time. I was busy with work and my daughters. You don't need a man to be a family and you can take care of yourself. The right man will come along. Just give it time. I would not take him back even if he came begging at my door. The right guy will come along when you least expect it. I met my husband while working. He just walked up to me one day and started talking. We have been together for almost eight years now. When I quit looking is when I found someone. I was focusing on my job and taking care of my daughters. They were and are always my top priority. NO man is worth crying over. Cheer up and look at it as a chance to spend more time doing things with your daughter. Take her to the zoo, Mozi, the park, shopping, etc..... Enjoy the Mom and Daughter time. Be happy you have your daughter and are not alone. There are a lot of lonely people in the world. Your daughter will be gone before you know it. Spend quality time with her and forget about a man. When the time is right the right one will come along.

Hi L.,

I couldn't help but notice that everyone else has given you strong "move on" and "no man is worth crying over" comments, and focused on you concentrating on your daughter instead of yourself. I find that to be a little callous and unfair. OF course, you want to focus on your daughter, help her to understand it's not her fault that he's gone (children often internalize), and to be honest - that you miss him sometimes and feel sad - and reassuring - you and she are going to be okay, that you love her very much. But.....it's completely normal and okay to have grief over the loss of a relationship, especially when you didn't end it, which can leave you feeling rejected and confused. It's something you need to work through, not ignore, which I feel many others here have suggested. If you have close friends or family you can trust to talk to about your feelings, that's great. If not, I would encourage you to consider some counseling for a short period of time, to help you work through your grief so that you will feel better about you and consequently will be able to give more of your emotional energy to your daughter. Not to be pushy or promote myself, but I could certainly work with you for a few sessions if you would like.

Take care,
S.

If I were in your situation, I would take a sabatacle from dating. Put your energy into your daughter -- she really should be taking up any extra time you have anyway. With hobbies, sports (if you guys play sports), projects, homework, church (if you guys go to church), and many other things that a daughter needs to grow into a women - there really isn't much time for a man.

A couple of books I suggest reading and just abosorbing the info -

"What Our Mothers Didn't Tell Us: Why Happiness Eludes the Modern Woman"
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0684859599/drlaura

I wish I would have read this book before dating... but this will now be required reading for my daughter:
"Ten Stupid Things Women Do to Mess Up Their Lives"
http://www.amazon.com/Stupid-Things-Women-Their-Lives/dp/...

"It Takes A Parent to Raise a Child"
http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/ASIN/0312263457/drlaura

I hope this helps. Please be open minded when you get some advice on here... Also, here is a good quote I tell my sister - "You wouldn't date someone that you won't let your daughter date. Would you??"

Good luck!

Please don't let this affect your relationship with your daughter. She should be of utmost concern. As far as your ex, do not look in the rearview mirror, look forward. This relationship didn't seem to be healthy as you said it was rocky. There are a lot of nice men out there and one of them is chasing after you as fast as he can. You should think of it as his loss, because it is. You have a lot to offer someone and you will meet that man, a man that appreciates you and your daughter. Keep your head up high and look towards a better future, with or without a man. I know it's hard, but it will get better as time passes, I promise.

Rocki relationship + moved out + your daughter. Those are your best reasons to forget this guy. Stop crying. Your karma can only be positive. Start doing things with your daughter. Keep yourself busy.

I think you need to remind yourself constantly that you are modeling relationships (and breakups, for that matter) for your daughter. Do you want her to have the same kind of "rocky" relationship with a man that you had with your boyfriend?
It's OK to be sad and to tell her why you are sad, but you have to be careful not to wallow in it. Don't give her details or burden her with adult responsibilities, but you can explain that sometimes relationships don't work out, and you'll be sad for a little while, but that things will be better in a little bit. You need to show her that you, and therefore she, can be happy alone. Tell her that the good part is that you two will have more time together to read books, play games, whatever. Teach her to look on the bright side.
And I think perhaps some counseling might be in order for you, since there is no indication that this relationship was healthy or respectful. Obviously I don't know the story, but the goal of a relationship isn't to "make it work," it's to have a healthy, respectful partnership that grows and changes as the people in it ido. I think you need to shift your relationship ideology, and there is probably a local counselor that can give you a few sessions, a few tools, some guidance on a sliding scale.
Your daughter will probably end up imitating your patterns, so you need to be hyper aware of how you act with your boyfriends. Some counseling could help you get the right things out of relationships. Good luck.

L., wow , first I am so sorry. This has got to be incredibly painful for you and your daughter. I really don't feel like I have sound advice for you ...I just really feel bad for you and want you to know that someone is out here, reading this and listening, and feels for you. I am offering up prayers for you and that some great people would come along to encourage you and give you the support you need. And, I really wouldn't spend too much of your time wasting it on negative thoughts like this is karma coming back to kick you in the butt. I personally don't believe in that. It's just ...life sometimes...unfortunately. This is a good opportunity for your daughter to love and nurture you and give back to you. As hard as this is for her too, i'm sure, it's also a good chance for her to care for you. Anyways, again, I really don't feel I am the best person to advise you here, but praying for you and wishing you the best. Thank you for sharing something very difficult.

* I agree to make sure your relationship with your daughter doesn't change. I would also like to add, it was those times as a young girl when my mom was hurting and I had a chance to hold her, let her cry on my shoulder, listen to her hurting...that made me the kind of nurturing caring person I am today. Yes, it was really hard to see her hurting, but I feel it helped me to bey very sympathetic and able to comfort others. I can't stand seeing someone hurting now and I try to be the kind of friend that they can lean on ...and I am ok with that. so , don't be afraid that just because she see's you upset that it will ruin her forever. It's ok for her to see real emotions. As long as it's under control as it seem's you are doing. My son has seen me upset over a few things and he is such a sweet and loving little boy. I think sometimes, they need to see real and raw emotion..within reason of course!* =)

Wow, all the moms on here are SO awesome , what a great support stytem, you must be really grateful that you posted this. '
One thing I have learned is that there is only one relationship.
Notice how you relate to yourself and change things right there from the source.
Be loving and kind and helpful to yourself , be all the things you think you may have wanted gotten or lost from this 'other' relationship.
Work on relating to yourself first and foremost and than you will shine and only attract the same :)
be well.
everything is happening as it should for you to realize you fullest potential here.
trust the process and stay present.
love.

Hi L.,

I went through this several years ago before I met my husband. It can be very difficult, but you will get over it.

I would try a few behavioral things to help you get this man out of you mind and free up your daughter's thoughts for other things:
1. Stop yourself from sitting and pining, looking at old photographs, or anything like that. It does not matter what you did or didn't do, or what you could have or couldn't have done. Your reality is the present, and it's not healthy for you or your daughter to be living in the past and kicking yourself. Think about how you would want your daughter to handle a breakup when she's an adult, and model that for her-- strength! perseverence! movin' on to bigger and better things. Show her that a man in her life is not paramount to happiness.
2. Use this time to get into a new hobby/sport/activity, with or without your daughter. You guys could take up yoga, scrapbooking, karate, whatever. It can be something new that you share or something you have always wanted to do for yourself, but never did.
3. Make some deliberate schedule changes to cover the times when you feel loneliest. Use Netflix to get a TV series you missed but were interested in. Watch them at night after your daughter goes to bed. Steer clear of romance movies.
4. When your daughter says she hates your ex, tell her he's not a bad person, he just doesn't know a good thing when he sees it! How unfortunate for him. But the two of you will be fine together and you don't need him. Empower her and yourself.

You will get through this! I have not read the other responses, so I hope I didn't repeat too much, but the sooner you can get out of your funk the better for the both of you.

You are a good person who deserves to be with someone who cherishes and wants to be with YOU. If this man is not this person, then it's a good thing he freed you up to find him. Chin up, sister! ;)

Hi, L.. Sweetie, I can empathize with you greatly. But not knowing the relationship and what was good or bad about it, makes it hard to give you advice.

I'm not one to criticize, but it sounds like the breakup hurt your pride and your sense of control. I'm not saying you didn't care for him -- but the fact that you are honest enough to admit that a great deal of the pain comes from the fact that he left you and not the other way around tells me that this has to be a big part of why you can't let go.

My honest opinion: if it was rocky as you say, and if the two of you found it necessary to separate in order to get along better...then it was not something that had a future anyway. Good relationships have ups and downs, and I've been told by very smart ppl that ppl who are engaged should not get married until after they have had one breakup and then reconciled...however, if it was always rocky and not peaceful and harmonious, then it's much better for the two of you to be apart. No, I disagree with you -- you probably could not have made it work. You can't make someone want to be with you or love you. And you can't change or mold a man to fit your needs. He's going to break out of that eventually, and that's another heartache.

Children need, need, need, a peaceful household to grow up in. If you let go of him for no other reason than your daughter, then this is a good enough reason to put that relationship in the past.

You sound like a very smart, caring woman, and if you put closure to that old, dead relationship, then you will be able to open your heart again and find love that isn't rocky. If you fought with him enough to call the relationship rocky, then I don't think he was "all that" to begin with. He wasn't the man you needed or wanted; your fantasy of what could've been just doesn't come together with the reality.

I do hope you let yourself heal and let yourself believe that love can grow peacefully and beautifully. I wish for you and your daughter the best mom-daughter relationship possible, and also that you have a partner join your family when the time is right.

Blessings,
Syl

L.,
What a sad time for you. It hurts to lose a relationship, but is that much worse when it takes you by surprise. If you are open to it, Church of Hope is a wonderful place that might give you hope and support in starting over. They have a great children's program, too. They are off Fruitville Rd. East of I-75 in Sarasota. It is a very uplifting place and it is a non-denominational church - the pastor and his wife are amazing. I wish you the best of luck.
Kristen

L. when parents hurt children sense that and they hurt too.its natural for kids to do that.but how to get over someone is to find someone else as fast as you can i dont mean to just pick up anyone but a decent someone.and i know it dont sound like it would help but it does.and dont look at the outward appearance too much its where the heart is that matters.and dont get love confused with lust or loneliness.yes people need people but it is worth it to take your time and get the right one.believe me you will get over this dude.time heals all things if you give it a chance.dont look at someone as the only one.there are lots of decent people out there that need someone too.just be honest with yourself and everyone else and all things will come together.just ask god to send you the right one.he will.he is a good god.lots of love and many blessings.C.

There is no bad karma for breaking up a relationship, as far as your feeling guilty....
Yes, the ending of a relationship, especially when you felt it was moving forward and then ending abruptly, is a huge hurt and takes a while to process.
We open our hearts to people and then they clean the floor with us.
Take some time to get out of the heart and into the reality check...
Ask him point blank if he has another love interest (that's the usual reason for moving on)
That you take it personally will just have to stop. It will wear you down. Allow yourself to heal, get your self-esteem back in check; and pamper yourself for a while. Girls' night out with your daughter will help her self-esteem get a boost, as well. This will show her your strength; and that she has strength to grow and move on, too.
Let the man go with love and in god's light and send him off with a wish of finding the courage to be a man already.
Worry, fear, depression, hate, guilt...not worth the time.
We all go through it; but get through it and get on, dear....

hilynn,

i have been through my share of breakups and i know there isn't anything i can say that will take away your pain. the only thing that did that for me was passage of time, because i now know that none of those men who broke up with me were someone i wanted to be with for the rest of my life, but i didnt feel that way at first. so initially, i cried my heart out because it hurt like hell. but eventually it started to hurt a little less. during free time, instead of going over the relationship and how i could have done things differently to "keep" him, i kept busy by reading novels, because that was an escape for me. like stepping into another person's (pain-free) life for a while.

as for your daughter, in my opinion, it is okay for her to see your true emotions, as opposed to you trying to pretend that everything is happy, when it's really not. doing that will teach her that it's NOT okay to be sad (thus, it's not okay to be human, because what human do you know who doesn't ever get sad?) not that you have to be doom and gloom, but my philosophy is that it's best for our children to see that it's okay to have normal, human emotions, as opposed to stuffing them, avoiding them, or worse... replacing them with things that make us temporarily feel better (i.e. food, alcohol, drugs, etc).

my heart goes out to you and i am sending you a huge virtual hug. i remember my mom telling me, after my first heartbreak at eighteen, that time heals all wounds. her words didn't take away my pain, but she was right, and i always tried to remember it whenever i felt the pain of heartache again.

taek care of yourself and please email me if there is anything i can do for you. :o)

vanessa

As for your "Karma" yes it stinks being dumped, but you said the relationship was rocky, so this is your fate. This is the way it should be probably because you deserve better! It might take some time to get over the hurt. And your daughter sees you are sad, and thats okay. But don't drag her down with you she is only 7 yrs old, smile and take her out more, do stuff together. It will get easier I promise. Hugs.

Breaking up sucks! No way around that. But, you are good enough, I am sure. And you have your daughter in your life. You have to think about it in a positive, something was not good with you two and its better this way. You knew a long time ago things werent good when he moved out. Your daughter it too young to understand relationships and she shouldnt have to understand them either. She should not learn to hate men either. So yuo have to be her example of love and how to handle men and relationships and also how to get over them when they go bad, cut your losses and move on and get on with the better parts of your life. Do you think he is sitting around crying? Probably not, and yes it hurts, and yes its ok to cry. But at some point, for yourself and your daughter know that this is for the best some way some how.

Concentrate on being your daughter's mom right now. Things always happen for a reason. When you put it behind you and move forward and least expect it, the right person will present himself to you and he will fall in love with you and your daughter. God Bless.

L. - Hi My husband left me and our children 6 years ago. We had been married over 10 years and we have 3 children.

I don't think you will like my reply but I speak the truth and don't sugar coat it.

If you 2 could not live together for the amount of time that he moved in with you - what was going to change to make him "the one"??????

Some relationships are meant to teach us a lesson while we are still growing into an adult. Honey I am older (in my 40's) and a whole lot wiser now than when I was a 20-something. This man was obviously not the one, you cannot change him, none of us can. Wait, have time for yourself, time with your daughter, be a good example, learn a new skill, something. Children will pick up on our thoughts and actions so have your tears, come to acceptance and don't be in a rush to replace him with another wrong one.
Ask your self this - why am I really upset that he is gone?
I'm sure habit has a lot to do with it. I am still single and loving life, I enjoy the freedom, I answer to myself, I don't cook if I don't want to, I date if I want to, I buy what ever I want to without feeling guilty because it was his money. The feelings will pass I know from personal experience, don't allow yourself to wallow - your life is waiting for you.

M. F

L.:
My best advice is to think of the positives in your life. Try keeping a gratitude journal. I am a firm believer of everything happens for a reason even if we don't know what it is at the time. I'm not sure your religious affiliation but if you are a believer, rely on God to get you through this. Try spending more time with your daughter and on yourself. Keep in mind that a man doens't make you, he may only enhance your life and based on what you said about the relationship, keep in mind that you did have some difficult times and perhaps this is better for you, your ex and your daughter. It is amazing how children pick up on difficulties. Although my husband and I don't argue much, we do disagree and our children pick up on it when we do. If you had a rocky relationship, your daughter was definately picking up on it. Use this time to work on yourself because as I often tell my children, we cannot control what other people do, only our own actions. Don't read more into what your boyfriend has done, or does, but look introspectively at yourself and work on that. Build and enhance your relationships that are working - ie. your family with your daughter. You are obviously grieving the relationship that has ended and everyone grieves differently. Don't let anyone tell you what to do or how to grive but keep perspective. Talk to trusted friends and family, keep your chin up, don't lose faith in yourself and know that you are in control of you, not him. If you want to talk again, please feel free to email me privately or post again as the women here are a wonderful resource for all of us. Seriously, try the gratidude journal and maybe a journal to keep track of your feelings. Going back after time, you may be amazed at how much you have grown, perspective once time has gone by and then can use these things to build yourself. God bless. Take care!!!

S.