Teenage Emotional Breakup

Alright… I need your help. This is a long one, and for all of those who are serious out there, buckle in and see if you can get through this semi-short synopsis of what could possibly be reaching out to you for your take. If you are out there I do need your help. I can’t use anything unkind, so save it, but sincerity… I’d appreciate that most. Thanks in advance.

I have a 17 year old teenage son who has just experienced his first girlfriend, a relationship that lasted seven months, and a crushing breakup. I was so appreciative of his conversations with me and his request for permission to start dating. We worked along with each other – as we have always done – on appropriate behavior and expectations. As a single mother this was quite an experience for me, to say the least. When her birthday came along, mini-milestones for monthly relationship successes, and other special occasions occurred, we managed to provide our own special touch into the life of another. These were warm and special times for him, and I knew that it meant so very much. I watched him grow and saw a young man emerge – I am proud of him.

For a moment it was a great experience watching the gentleman God had helped me to create. I spoke openly with the parents, as I believed they did with me. We exchanged times when the two could interchangeably visit both locations on a regular basis. I suppose you could say that we supported a healthy relationship with parental watchful eyes. Her parents seemed to be equally as concerned about their daughter’s behavior ( I was relieved to know as much). I invited her to my home often. If there was behavior to which she would exhibit that seemed inappropriate, I would gently guide her to what was more appropriate. I allowed her to relax with us, become a part of us.

Her parents also allowed my son to interact with their family. All good… huh? But, there were times when the mom would comment that her daughter believed she did not love her enough after the new baby was born, or that the daughter argued excessively with the father far too much; but I merely assumed that these were family issues capable of being handled by “two” parents. If nothing less, the daughter’s acting out at home was merely adolescent behavioral patterns to which she would out grow. I trusted the parenting skills of two to resolve collectively whatever behavior issues that may have existed or were brewing, and I continued to instruct my own son. I gave him room to be. My son was extremely happy to be included in the lives of others – he tried hard for acceptance. He had an opportunity to be involved in a two parent home, and I could sense his eagerness to find acceptance with the father. He wanted to bond.

Anyway, and more to the point, about three months into the relationship the mother mentioned to me that her daughter had told her of an incident that she initiated because she (the daughter) felt herself ready for such activities and at the urging of friends. I was surprised at the candor to which the mother spoke, as it represented an opposing view to my own and involved my son. The mother was more than comfortable with the exchange, I conversely was not. More then that, I was astounded at the audacity of a child to flagrantly disregard a situation which suggested such far reaching consequential actions. The mother did not dismiss the action, don’t get me wrong; but it was easy to see that she could not contain the forwardness of her own child – our conversation revealed as much. I listened intently without saying very much. When I did respond I was pointed towards the things that truly mattered where the two were concerned. Let me stop here… you’re probably thinking that perhaps you believe that it was best that the child had communication enough to disclose this information to her mother – I took that road in order to find what the mother could possibly be thinking of. During the fourth month the mother spoke candidly with me again and stated, “your son is such a great kid… XXXXX (daughter) simply has no ideal how good he is to her, she just doesn’t get it.” It wasn’t long after that that my own son began to question whether or not he was a good boyfriend, if he could do more, etcetera, etcetera.

After the first conversation I found an opportunity to speak with my son and interject direction. I provided reasons for the direction, and requested that my concerns be viewed as important and followed as closely as he could possible manage. I explained to him that I knew he had feelings and that his emotions and attempts were directed at doing his best, but that sometimes no matter what you do, some people can’t see you for seeing themselves. That I wanted him to make “his” choices and not to relegate them because he felt he needed to accommodate another. We discussed scenarios that could possibly occur and visited together whether or not my son was ready for such life changes. That because he felt his heart was committed could never quite ensure that the heart of another would match that commitment and this is where heartbreak begins. That we learn what we need through the actions that we take, but you don’t always have to go so far to get the lesson. We see things moment by moment and should find everything worthy of counting as opposed to discounting all that we see. Value comes from the person in all that they say and/or do and it must be consistent. The end result was that my son under his own volition complied. The second comment from the mother revealed that her daughter could care less about my son, that she was caught up in being and doing whatever she wanted and that the two did not share the same focus.

On Friday evening at the conclusion of a gala event, the mother approached me with the father standing slightly behind. It was a unified front and I understood clearly what they were doing and that they would be reeling their daughter in. This meant to me that whatever concessions that were freely given to the child would be either taken away or replaced to redirect her focus – including the dating situation with my son. I completely understood and at this point whole-heartedly agreed. It would not have been for me to strip my son of this relationship, but it is for me to gently guide him towards clear vision. I watched my son that night. He was so handsome, caring, and even a bit nervous. I think he could sense it, too. He needed me there and I arrived after leaving work, so he had been with them for about 40 minutes or so. He seemed relieved when I arrived. Escorted me through the door, holding it open and waiting for me to clear the entrance. Holding the elevator door, doing the same, and walking me to the table where the parents were sitting, placing a gentle kiss upon my cheek and softly squeezing my shoulders. The comment at the end of the event was clear and I needed to explain to my son what was about to happen. We were left with the weekend to discuss things. Saturday came alone and the two of us had about a three hour conversation. I explained that his relationship with XXXXX was about to end and that it would be at the behest of the parents. That I know he has feelings but that it is imperative that he respect their wishes, even if XXXXX challenges their decision. He explained the things he felt and his efforts. He also stated that he could see within the mother and father from time-to-time that there was a distance and that he would try to feel comfortable but that it was sometimes within a glance, a comment, or even an action and he would simply try to ignore it, hoping that they would learn to like him better. He mentioned times when he would witness how XXXXX spoke to her father and a time or two when he was shocked and spoke up by calling her name. “that’s your dad, XXXXX, don’t talk to him that way…” and then step back. All-in-all, after the Saturday conversation and explaining that while I was certain that things would happen and that I wanted him to respect their wishes, we concluded with prayer and he spent his day with his friends.

On Monday morning the girlfriend typed him a letter stating that she was going away for the summer and that she wanted to date other people. She informed my son that her mother explained to her that there were other people in the world to meet and that she was encouraged to see others. She suggested that the two remain friends (a difficult place to be when you have learned to care so much so quickly). Personally, there is nothing wrong with these instructions; I agree – PLEASE see someone else. I suppose that more truth would have been relevant and should have been more forthcoming here. The indirect approach of providing what appears to be “better” as opposed to directly correcting a child bothers me. Moreover, must any one person be diminished in order for another to feel better? I guess within me I would have appreciated the parents speaking with my son as I have with their daughter, helping to provide wholeness. Directly stating what they felt was wrong as opposed to leaving him to believe that he was nothingness. I am not angry, because I agree… she was not good for him, he only wanted to be good to her. How do I make him understand these things? It feels quite helpless right now and I wish I had the solution. All of the adages: “time heals all wounds,” “this too shall pass,” “reality bites,” and on-and-on; don’t really help here.

Now, he questions what he could have done better to have preserved the relationship. He questions whether or not he was good enough, or if given a second chance could he make a better outcome. These are, of course, natural responses when an abrupt separation occurs after prolonged efforts at preservation. The self internalizations and examinations that turn to incriminations are difficult to face. He now wants to know if he is good enough? Perhaps the most ambiguous question posed to oneself. External observations for him seem to challenge who he really is -- it’s a hard place to be. There are times when I wish I had that strong male figure to help in these circumstances. A voice of gender wisdom and strength; for I can not teach a man how to be a man, it is not in my purview of gender talents. Our course was a necessary one and I have been extremely blessed to have come this far alone, but sometimes I am faced with and recognize my limits.

Folks, this is possibly the sweetest young man you will ever meet (not because he's mine, simply because he is a sweetheart). As a single parent it is difficult to entertain both roles of mom and dad, but as a mother with a heart it is extremely difficult not to have the advice of strong figures who can help him along this path into his next journey. I understand clearly that growing pains are inevitable and par-for-the course, but it does not lessen his pain. Is there anything that can be done here more than has already been done? He is so emotional about the breakup that it brings tears to my eyes. There are times when he shows me his strong face. Times when he tells me his innermost truths and I know precisely what he feels -- been there, done that.

I have taught my sons to respect choice, even it you do not like the choice itself. Everyone is entitled to their decisions. I believe that life has a way of making its own adjustments through time for the choices we make (good or bad)and that consequences are the catalyst which drive us towards change and better choices. Change is at worst difficult, but at best worth experiencing. Our reasons, motivations, misgivings, and truths are either dispelled or solidified overtime when we respect what is presented and make authentic choices.

Let me tell you that if I could have changed anything in our lives, it would have been to have a strong male role model, capable of gently guiding a man child into manhood. One who cared enough to step in and help with the questions of life. Mommies have their distinctive roles, and as females, our limits are truly contained within the substance of being female no matter how we look at it and no matter how strong we must become because of the dictates of a given situation. Yes… I am thankful, but I do have my I’d rathers as well. In this life of mine, as things have played out, the best course of actions was to raise my two sons on my own. The difficulties have been to maneuver through and pass the pitfalls. I once told a good friend of mine, as females we would most of us rather be the strength that stands beside you, for we are indeed strong; but without you we must be what he have to be in order to survive. I have been coined as a strong woman, capable of making things happen. Viewed as self-contained, kind, gentle, un-abridging, impartial, and fair… even insightful. I’m not any of those things right now. My self-containment reaches out to you. I need to see something different, I am certain of it. Do you know, ‘cause I just don’t.