First of all my son just turned 5. My boyfriend of 4 years, my son, and myself just moved into a house together in May and it just isn't working out. My boyfriend is a great guy and the only constant figure my son has had in his life. How do I tell him that we will no longer be living here? And how do I explain that he probably won't see my boyfriend much anymore if at all? I'm heartbroken over the whole break up but I also know that it wasn't a perfect fit. A little background on my sons dad...we divorced when my son was 6 months and he goes on and off without seeing him. There used to be times he would see him every week...now for the past year or so he goes months at a time without seeing or talking to him. I know this breaks my sons heart because he has his dad on a pedelstal. I just dont' want him to think that every guy in his life is just going to walk away. I just don't know what to do ;( My son is already an angry child and he's seen so much in his short little life....I just don't want to keep adding to it.
Please let me know if you received the 1st msg I sent you! I don't think it went threw and it was really long and I'm responding from my blackberry.
Email me at ____@____.com
A.
Hi C.,
My parents divorced when I was very young - I was around the age of 2. My mother was a strong woman who always provided for the family so I had a great role model. However I do have different issues that I just started dealing with a few years ago...my advice to you is to get your son into counseling. If you can tell that he is already angry then he definitely needs someone to talk to and to understand that he has a right to feel angry and they can help him manage those feelings and work thru them. If you need a recommendation I'd be happy to provide the name of someone he could talk to. She is in Roselle.
Good Luck!
First off please realize that you don't need a man in your life. So many women buth themselves and their children in these situations because they have that feeling of need from a man. Go to a counselor, a good friend, a church pastor someone to help you get your life and your sons life back where it needs to be with priorities. The most important thing in your life needs to be yourself and your son and the only thing your son needs constant is you. When I was a divorced women of 27 I dated a lot of different men but, I never brought them into my daughters life until there was something real. It saved her from a lot of heartache.I am not saying you can't do things together but not at your house where it should be just the two of you and family. It just confuses the child. And I don't want to sound like a mother here but you have no business living with a man if you aren't married to him. What are you teaching your child. Also because of that situation is why you are in the situation you are in now.
On a good note. Good for you going to college full time and raising a child. Your life is very full right now and have no time for a man. When the time is right you will find a great man and you will no he is the best when he wants to live with you for all the right reasons. Marriage, love and commitment. Good Luck. It is tough now I know but it is possible. I did it and am a happily married women with 2 more children from my 2nd husband. I just wish I got the college degree.
L.
Your son would really benefit from counseling and it sounds like you would too. You are feeling lost and you don't know what you want from life are huge red flags that you need someone to talk to. A clinician will help you discover what you want and need from life, relationships, how to be a better parent etc. The next thing I would tell you is do not put your son in this situation again. I divorced my husband when my daughter turned 1, and I also had a 7 year old. I have been dating the same man for 2 1/2 years now. There are rules in place; he never spends the night when my kids are home, we do not spend the night at his house. My boyfreind has tried to pressure me in the past- we even talked about getting married and he wanted me to move in with him in the meantime. I stood firm with my rules and would never move in with him or any other man unless we were married. This relationship is not going to work out, I have realized over the last six months or so, and I am so glad that I did not put my children in a situation that I would have regretted. You knew that this relationship wasn't a "perfect fit" yet you moved in with him anyway. That is definately something that you should talk to your clinician about. You will empower yourself and have a clear picture of what you want for you and your family after working with a good therapist. Good luck to you.
This is such a tough subject. I feel so awful for kids that come from split families, being that I come from one myself and know how much it can affect a child.
I would start with protecting him in the future. If you start dating someone, don't even let them meet your son until you truly think that the relationship is going somewhere permanent. I know that things happen, and just because a relationship is good for the first couple of years, doesn't mean it won't turn sour. If you continue in the future to bring men into his life who just all of a sudden aren't around anymore, there's no doubt that he's going to develop trust issues. I would be completely honest with him and I would also apologize to him that it didn't work out with your boyfriend, that way he doesn't think it's his fault since you're doing the apologizing. I know it must be hard, being a single mother, but you're the only parent this child has, and it's your sole responsibility to protect him. If that means dating someone for 6 months or longer before you let them meet your son, then so be it. If that means that for the first year or longer, you don't bring him around your son enough for your son to become attached to him, than so be it. I wouldn't have any new men spend the night for a long time, since your son may think that that's a sign of him being around for a while, and then leaving. It's going to be rough, but as long as you are honest with your son and let him ask as many questions as he needs to, to understand why your current boyfriend won't be around anymore, then let him. If you notice he's reacting to the situation negatively, try contacting a counselor to see if he/she could fit you in for a few appointments. Even if it's just to talk to you, she could give you expert advice on how to be there for your son.
C.,
I regret to say that I am in the same position. My daughter just turned 4 and her stepdad and I are getting divorced. I am sooo feeling your pain right now.
I know not everyone believes in this, however I feel very strongly about talking to someone professional about "life" in terms of moving forward.
Sometimes it's easier for someone not directly involved to explain that it is healthier for a family to not be together. This may benefit your son a great deal. He doesn't neccessarily need to speak to someone but you may get some advice on how to deal with him and his feelings.
It took me a long time to get to this point and I understand that I would be doing no favors to my daughter by staying in a relationship that doesn't work.
One last thing...don't count dating out completely. You can certainly date without making that person becoming prevelant in your sons life.
You will need companionship at some point and when it's the right time you'll know it and be open to it.
I've gone on long enough.
Feel free to contact me directly if you would like.
Keep your chin up.
P.
I started writing you a response and hit enter by accident and it disappeared. Argh. SO I have been through a similar experience and I know it is hellish. I would enlist both your boyfriend of four years and your child' father to help out with this. They both should know how essential it is that this child not feel abandonned by either of them. Your boyfriend has been around for four years so I would think that he has a connection to your boy-if not why would you move in with him? If he could sometimes see him during this breakup maybe that would help. HE should reassure your child that he cares about him and is there for him too. Your other ex sound like a not very good dad but maybe now is the time to up the ante with him. You all need therapy.
Also, above all else, spend more time with your child yourself, reassure him the breakup has nothing to do with him and that you will ALWAYS be there for him no matter what.
I would not be introducing a bunch of guys into this boys life. You have to go slow and careful.
GOod luck and if you want to talk you can email me at ____@____.com
C.,
I am sorry to hear about what you and your son are going through. My oldest daughter was 5 and my youngest 5 months when thier dad and I broke up. My childrens real father only sees them one a year if that. Most all kids will but there biological parent on a pedelstal because that is were they feel there loyalty should go. It does not matter that he sees him oncea week of once a year. They do this! My oldest daughter does.
When I left I felt lost and in no way did i want to rise my girls alone. I thought I needed "a guy" to make it right. I soon learned I did not and once I became postive about myself and knew that I would be ok life became a lot simplier.
When I left i left with a truck, 3 suite cases, 800.00 and my girls. I had no job, no education, and no place to go. I kept the pain I was in from my daugter as much as I could. But like you I knew that even though I was dying inside (I thought) i had to do this for my kids. So I went and enrolled in school, got my own place, and finally met the love of my life( whom I am now married too) The funny thing was he was a freind that I ended up staying with after I left. We were just freinds never crossed my mind to have a realtionship with him. After a year we decide to go for it. It has worked wonderful my kids love him and him my kids..
But... The way I told my oldest daughter that her dad and I was no longer going to be living togather was like this. I made sure to keep it on her level of understanding. I told her that Daddy and Mommy had hurt each others hearts and in order for are hearts to get better we had to go stay somewhere else. I told her that mommy had a sad heart and mommy had to make her heart happy again so I could then keep her and her sisters hearts happy. We talked for awhile and then she asked me will we ever live here again. I was honest with her and told her I did not know it depended on how mommy and dads heart's felt. She seemed ok with the way I broke it to her. I also think that it helped that I went to my dads for awhile made it like it was a vacation.
My daughter after not seeing her real father for over a year after our divorce became very angry when she finally did see him. She was also scared, mean, and distant. I talked to her doctor and we decided the best thing for her was to talk to a third party. This way she could tell them every thing she felt and not hurt my feelings our her dad's. It helped! My daughter is still angry at her dad this time because he got remarried.
I do not think you should jump into anything and I do think you should read Dr.Phils book Family first... I never read the whole thing but there was a chapter in there that dealt with divorce and step families. I found it very helpful to me.
Do you plan on allowing vist between your boy freind and your son? If so you might want to think about how that will impact your sons feelings? Why is your son so angry? Have you ever asked him what can mom do to make you feel better inside?
Just some thoughts sorry for rammbling.. I hope every thing works out! Keep your head up high and believe in your self and like yourself and become happy with your self before dating again.. Unhappiness bring unhappiness not only for you but all involved!
C.,
I was in a similiar situation. My son was almost 4 when we stopped living together. We fought alot and I didn't want to have my son grow up in that unhealthy environment. I spoke to him (my son) and asked him how he felt about the situation and we came to the decision together to move out. I, too. did not have a job, money or a place to go. I think everything happens for a reason. I found an apartment in a house really inexpensive and a owner who wasn't going to require a deposit. I believe in signs and I went for it. We live 2 blocks away from my son's dad. I told my son's dad that I would do everything to make sure that they could continue their relationship if that is what he wanted. I told him that if he started to make plans and canceling, that I would reconsider the arrangement. It was an big adjustment at first, but was for the better and we are all happy and get along great. As for being alone, I was acustom to being with a man now I find other interests. I do date but no one has met my son. It is great that you are already aware of your son's feelings as far as men coming in and out of his life. It can be really confusing for children. You can do it and it will come together!!
R.
C.,
I know that breaking up and the thought of being alone is scarry. However; you won't be alone. You have your son to keep you busy, your college education to focus on and your work. The most important thing to teach your son is that you don't stay in a relationship for the convenience of it. You need to teach your child that it is okay to be happy and show him that the two of you will be fine by yourself until the right guy comes along. You might even try taking him to see a counselor if he shows signs of anger or depression after the break up. But remember this, no dad is better than a bad dad! And talk to your soon to be ex boyfriend, maybe he is willing to stay in your son's life, and if not, that is okay, but let them say their goodbyes to eachother.
C.: You'll get through this, as you sound like a very tough, loving Mom! I agree with some of the postings that you should also look carefully and honestly at yourself, at your contribution to problems in your relationships. I think counseling is the fastest way to figure out how you can improve things for yourself and your child. Friends and family often can't be 100% honest with you, for fear of hurting your feelings or harming the relationship. I know it helped me! Good luck... -C.
