So this is a bit of a long story, but here it goes. So my daughter (10 years old) is friends with a girl she knew in school last year - they were friends then but are now in the same classroom and they've been getting closer, hanging around in school, talking on the phone. This Friday there is no school so they wanted to go to the movies on Thursday night (my husband was going to chaperone). My daughter talked to the girl about this and then comes to me and says her friend thinks she won't have any money so she thought I should pay for both of them to go to the movies (according to my daughter this was the friend's idea). This didn't sound exactly right or appropriate so I told her to have the girl's mother call me (I honestly wasn't sure if this was something the girls came up with or if the mother was the one who suggested that). She calls me last night and says she knows they want to go to the movies but she doesn't have the funds this week. I said ok then why doesn't your daughter just come over here for a few hours and then they can hang out? (To me it's really about them spending time together, not spending money.) She says ok and then says "well she does have a twin" clearly implying that the twin would have to come, too. So I said ok that's fine, they can both come. I was a little taken aback because the whole time my daughter has been mentioning this girl to me, she's never mentioned a twin! I asked my daughter why she never mentioned the twin and she just shrugged her shoulders and didn't seem to think it was a big deal. Then I said well they're both coming over. She sort of tilted her head back a little - you know how someone does when they're annoyed? I said is there some kind of problem? Do you not like the other girl? She said no, it's just that I thought me and "girl #1" were making plans.
So there's the question - is that how it works with twins? Do you have to always invite both? Do they not have their own friends? I'm wondering how things will be now, too because the mother also mentioned she doesn't have a car (so I'll be picking the girls up and dropping them back off tomorrow night). I also have a 2 year old and am due with my third any day now so pretty soon I will not be able to have TWO extra friends around every time they want to hang out.
Thanks for all the responses! For those who mentioned it, I definitely did think the whole thing about me paying for the other girl to go to the movies was out of line. I couldn't quite figure out how that came about so I decided not to make it an issue if the mother didn't say anything. Personally I would have told my daughter to not even think about making those kinds of plans if I already knew I didn't have the money. I think it's fine for all three of them to hang out this time, but it will definitely have to stop soon so hopefully the twin's mother will understand that!
I would think twins are like any other siblings and should have their own friends. It sounds like the twin may not have friends. I would allow her to come over and see what she is like. My oldest is almost 10 and I know kids her age can be mean. It may be a good thing that the twin does come over but the kids shouldn't be mean to her.
Twins sometimes have mutual friends and sometimes completely separate friends. It may be that the girl your daughter initially made plans with is the more outgoing of the two, and makes friends easier. Their mom is probably just trying to encourage the other twin to make friends. It's okay if your daughter wants to be friends with only one of them, but it's nice if you invite the twin to come along sometimes too.
As a mom to almost-9YO twin girls I will say it's definitely *not* how it works with twins. My girls have some friends in common and some that one is closer to than another, and I've assured their friends' parents that they're not joined at the hip and it's perfectly fine if their child would like to just invite one of them over for a playdate or even a birthday party (The one who stays home can invite another friend over - since one of them is much more social than the other, it's actually *better* when their playdates are at separate places because otherwise the more social one tends to take over the whole playdate)
My sister has twins and they do have their own friends but they are also 16 now.
It would say it depends on the age. When they are little I would say 3rd grade or less they kinda don't understand right way that the twin doesn't have to go as well. They are used to doing everything together. The mom might not want to explain well your sister has friends and your not invited that type of thing.
It wont always be that way espically once the other twin makes friends on her own.
This is a tough one and I have a similar story that will hopefully provide some insight... when I was in 7th grade, my best friend, Evelyn, had a twin Alicia, however Alicia was very popular and hung out with the girls that Me, Evelyn, and our only other two friends (the tomboys) labeled as "preps". Because Evelyn was the twin she would be invited to birthday parties that Alicia was invited to. Evelyn absolutely hated having to be drug around with these girls that she didn't get along with just because Alicia was invited (the preps didn't make her feel welcome at any of these parties and she was usually upset after having gone). I think that society in general feels that if one twin is doing something, they both have to be. Back in 7th grade, Evelyn and our other two friends would talk about how dumb Evelyn thought their parties were because dressup and high heels weren't our thing. Now that I am at parent myself, I am torn though because a part of me would want the other girl included... but the 7th grader in me says, they have their own clique of friends so the other twin (#2) probably doesn't want to be their anyway. Try talking to your daughter to see if this is the case, the 7th grader in me says you don't have to invite both- and the nostalgia of being back there is winning. I'd love to know how it all turns out. Good Luck.
Seems strange to me, and quite obviously this girl likes your daughter, and they have formed a friendship outside of her twindom.
I would suggest allowing it this time and keeping an eye on how things seem. If it seems like your daughter and the 1st twin are playing well and excluding the other twin, it might just be because twin #1 wants her own friends and freedom, and wanted your daughter to be "her" friend.
Maybe discuss it with your daughter after the play date, and see how she feels, then have her discuss the problem with twin#1, and tell her she should talk to her mother and let her mother know that she feels old enough and has grown out of the "we do everything together" phase, and she is ready to have her own friends.
Good luck!
I was friends with twins when I was 10 until we were about 12. Friends with both of them. I met one originally and our parents became friends so the other was hoisted on me as well. We got along as a three-some pretty much OK. By the middle of Jr. High the other one developed her own set of friends and pulled away from us. It does take time and especially if one is shier than the other. Unless the other twin is outright mean, just ask your daughter to give her a chance....it probably won't last forever. Best of luck with welcoming your newest blessing! :)
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all i can say is...WOW! that was extermely out of line for the"twins" mother to impose on you like that! i am a twin myself (of course im now 37) and i must say,Im proud of my mother for enforcing my twin and i having individuality.In your, case i would respectfuly tell the woman that your daughter is only inviting the "1st" twin and explain you already have a houseful and are expecting as well,therefore,one friend over is all you are allowing your daughter to invite.As far as the money situation,I would certainly consider letting the mom know you are low on funds yourself(even if this isnt the case)and maybe the girls,1st twin and your daughter, could just rent a movie and watch it at your house (with of course movie treats!).Its ok to treat once in awhile but truly you are not the local babysitter or bank!
Wow how strange. I think this mother is being extremely forward to even suggest this to you. The fact that this is your daughters friend and the twin has never even been mentioned suggests that they are not overly close. I am a twin but we still had our own friends and would have been so annoyed to have our sister tag along.
You were obviously caught out when she brought up the other twin, but if it happens again I would just use the excuse that you really can't take them both as you have a younger child and one on the way which is not an excuse as you will have your hands full :-)
Mothers like this really annoy me, imagine if your daughter was going to her friends house and you suggested that "ok but she has younger siblings so can they come too" (not that you would even suggest such a thing.
p.s not meaning to be nasty but if your daughters friend did ask for you to pay, that is really not nice or respectful. She sounds like she gets that kind of behaviour from her mother.
I am an identical twin and I say no. While twins if they're close will tend to share or have many friends in common, it is more than normal and healthy for twins to have their individual close friends...I think the mother is doing a diservice to you and her twins by having to include both. If twin #1 is BFF with your daughter then that should flourish and bond without the other twin. If your daughter is ok with both girls for now fine but if she really prefers to have 1:1 time with twin#1 then you need to be bold enough with the twin's mother and tell her no. Congrats on #3. I love having three kids it is the best! And no with all the work you are have in store taking care of your kids it is not practical to make your house crazier with more kids to watch. Best wishes
Wow, that Mom was out of line to put you on the spot to extend an invitation to the twin. I would explain that it came up unexpectedly in conversation to your daughter, and that inviting her was the polite thing for you to do this time. Tell your daughter you're sorry this won't be the one on one time she wanted, but if this friendship is important to her, to be nice and try to have a great time with both of them. Your daugher's friend may be at home, feeling just as irritated with her Mom for adding her sister to her plans. The next time your daughter wants to invite her friend out or over, you may need to gently explain to the Mom that you are only able to invite the one friend. Hopefully, that will go over OK. If not, I guess you and your daughter have to accept inviting them less often because the Mom feels they are a "package deal"
Oh my gosh!! You got a mother from hell on your hands....Once you start carting her kids around she will expect it all the time. I only say that because she was brazen enough to mention the twin as if "you have one over you have to take the other". UGH! That is not fair to you daughter since she expected it to just be her and girl #1. My youngest daughter was friends with a little girl (really a nice kid) but her mother was a nightmare. She too did not drive so she calls everyone in town for rides. She even went so far to make a play date for her daughter with a friend of mine's daughter and then "suggested" to my friend that when the playdate was over she should take her to the grocery store to do her shopping for the week. Seriously!
I think you should definitely nip this in the bud now before it gets worse. Obviously since you already agreed to take the twin then I would follow through with that. Then after, talk to your daughter about her relationship with girl #2. If she is not someone that your daughter is that close with she and you are not obligated to include her on playdates. If it comes up again, it can be said, your daughter can only have one friend over at a time; you have a houseful yourself and enough to handle.
I also know another mother who has two girls (ages 9 and 7) and when one of the girls is invited to a birthday party, the mother comes out and says that the other girl must come to the party and they are a "package deal". To me I think that is totally rude. I have avoided this by luckily, my daughter not inviting her (by her own choice)! But there are people out there that just have no sense of manners and think nothing of inconveniencing other people.
Good luck and let us know how this plays out!
