Question About Marriage Counseling

We went to a few sessions of marriage counseling. I *wish* I had gone to a few by myself though, b/c she seemed to totally gloss over my concerns (which were pretty grievous at the time and it made it seem less serious to my husband). But, it did help.... mostly b/c I'm such a forgivable person and he did make changes.

However, if he won't go to counseling, would he be willing to read a book together? Dr, Phil's book "Relationship Rescue" is really good and it helped us a lot.

We went together but we also had solo sessions. Any type of therapy helps if you are committed to change and also are willing to be drug over the coals a little bit. Some sessions can very draining but it is part of the process I think. We did best when we went together but the solo sessions helped shift the emphasis off "us" on to the individual person. Not every marital problem is a we issue so the solo sessions helped with the me issues. Since we went in there to fix our marriage, divorce was not even on the table. We were unhappy with how were interacting so the focus was always on how to fix things. Therapy has been a great tool for us. We have even gone back for a few tune up sessions. Our therapist was wonderful about explaining how change is a slow process, habits are hard to break and her door is always open to us if we ever feel the need for a refresher.

I would suggest you be open with your husband about seeking counseling on your own. People have many, many strange ideas about counseling. Also for so many it seems to be a death rattle rather than a natural part of wanting to grow and improve as a person and as a couple. As such I think many people think you are going in there to tear your spouse down and/or to plot divorce. Before we even sought counseling, we sat down and discussed things we wanted to work on and what we wanted improved. Not things like ‘I want you to change X’ but statements like ‘I need to work on X for myself’ or ‘I do Y and it doesn’t seem to be helping.’ Rather like setting a general goal/purpose to the therapy. When I went on my own, I would tell my husband I had an appointment. When I got out of the appointment, I would tell him not what was discussed per se but how I felt better about something which was discussed. Sometimes I would go so far as to say I never realized I was doing such and such backwards. I am going to work on this other approach so bear with me while I work on this change. He followed my lead and did likewise when he had his solo sessions. I realize this approach might not be for everyone but I felt like the therapy was for us. By involving each other in each step of it, we could get an at home of evaluation of any improvement and also in session feedback on any improvements. Plus we could let each other know we were committed to changing NOT working on divorcing. Another thing was when we went together (before we went into a session and after we came out of a session), I always told him I loved him and I was glad we were working on fixing things. Therapy can be a tough process and I never wanted us to lose sight of the fact we were doing this to improve our marriage. I feel like both of us worked hard to keep the therapy from feeling exclusionary, secretive or plotting. Good luck and best wishes to you.

My husb refused to go to a counselor.
He finally conceded to go once. He did not see it's merit.
I will agree on one thing about that session....we did not get the best of
counselors.
After my husb told me to get out of the house, we separated, both had a
change of heart and SOMEBODY else recommended counseling.....he
went.
This counselor was great.
It worked while we are going.
But personalities are long-formed & take a LOT of work to change.
When you are not continuously going, you lose focus.
Get off track. Kind of like a diet.
We were better when we were going together.
He now refuses to go so I go on my own.
It DOES help.
Why? Because I can work on myself, see signs from him & his issues and find ways (given to me by a professional) on how to deal w/them, work through MY OWN issues and find healthy alternatives to dealing with problems as they arise.

I often think of what a sales boss told me in a sales job: you are only as good as your latest great sale per month. Meaning it's constant work and you're only as good as your last greatest thing you have done in your marriage. The latest hurdle you have overcome.

I recommend you go on your own.

My curr counselor has helped me deal w/problems in a healthy way that have re-surfaced since our reunion. Some of them his fault, some of them my fault.

Do what you can do. Go on your own. You will be better equiped w/the tools on how to move forward in a healthy manner. Wishing you all the best. Hang in there.

No, but I have many friends that have. My dear friends recently went to a marriage counselor. He loved him. she hated him. This caused strife.

So she went to her own counselor. Found someone she liked and now things are improving.

Bottom line........ things will improve, but that may mean divorce. Please don't be afraid of getting healthy because you are afraid your marriage will end. I have nothing to base this on but I do believe the end result favors people staying together. I know lots of people who went and are still together. Only a handful ended in divorce.

I have never done marriage counseling. I was honest when I divorced my ex, it was beyond repair.

Thing with going by yourself is they can help you sort out what is on you, what is on him, how to communicate this so that he listens.

Even if the marriage doesn't work out better understanding yourself helps going forward.

When my 1st marriage ended I wanted to try counseling before giving up. He didn't. So, I went anyway. It was the best possible thing. They didn't analyze me and go all deep into my issues. It was just more about "solutions for daily living." I would tell them how i felt about what was happening and they would give me strategies to understand and deal with it. It really helped the healing and letting go processes.

my ex and I did marriage counseling together for a couple of months. It was immensely helpful for the first few sessions, but then he checked out. I continued on my own and it was helpful for me. We did end up divorcing because he was done being married. He didn't like counseling because he didn't want to own up to any of his choices. It made me understand the situation better and I guess ultimately I learned that I deserved more so it was a good thing for me.
Good luck! If he doesn't believe in it though, I don't know that it will help you a lot as a couple. It may help you understand him better.

If you don't have insurance, check with your state to see if they offer it free to couples considering divorce. Apparently AZ does, I didn't know until I was standing in front of the Judge and she told me (but it was too late by then)! Good luck!

We tried it. it made things worse.. it was really bad. He didn't want to go.. he went.. it was bad..

I am trying something new.. I hired three sitters.. I am alternating between them.. we are going out on short dates .. twice a month is the goal.'

goals to improve communication. plan time together and get out alone without the kids. so far, it's really great. small steps.

it's another tactic. and a little cheaper than the counseling rate.. I thought about going alone.. but I'm weary of the $400 price tag.. so, instead I started a blog and I vent that way. I find it helps..

Go alone, I’ve gone with mine and separate. Its funny how you can vent out your frustrations to others and they can reframe it for you in such a way that you get it. Ie I complained about my spouses lack of involvement in everyday task-after some probing we discussed my sweet MIL and how she LITERALLY takes care of everything when we visit. After the light bulb went off he helped me with strategies of how to engage my husband in helping me more

I filed for divorce one year ago and now on Monday i am going to concilliation counceling. HE requested it which stopped my court date to finalize the divorce which pissed me off. I am court ordered to sit in a room with him for an hour. I'm not looking forward to it. But it will be fun to watch him him explain why we are there in the first place.
I dont plan on participating.
And i still want my divorce.

Hi DVMMOM,
hats off to you. I do believe that it is best to first work on yourself....We are in marriage counseling, and I previously saw someone. I now also go to a life coach of sorts...I believe any change we want in life must start with us first. We can only change ourselves and how we react to a situation. Sometimes, the other person mite notice and also adjust/change.

I also advocate marriage counseling when you feel you are comfortable where you are with yourself and your own change.

HTH.
Jilly