Hi Everyone,
It's been a while since writing / reading mamasource. My last time writing was back in January (see my last post for history). My husband and I did separate late Feb ‘10 to late Aug ‘10. Allot has happened over the summer. I did consult an attorney in March to discuss my options and what I would be in for if I filed for a divorce. Down deep inside, I do not want to get divorced...who does? But I'm tired emotionally, physically, mentally, financially. I asked him to come back to help me with my kids. My parents were doing WAY to much for me. Taking my kids to/from daycare - caring for them until I got home from work at 6. My dad is 73...he shouldn't be doing this. Although they would never tell me, I saw the toll this was taking on them. My kids are now 4 yrs & 14 months. My MIL supposedly got sick, so my husband felt the need to stay with her (in Barrington) after several times of me asking him to come home. No financial ties...just to be a stay-at-home dad. I couldn't afford daycare and he was still not helping me financially (my parents were). He chose his mother over his family is what it comes down to. Yes, my FIL is still alive and quite well. I've told my husband several times, your father married your mother, not you. I had to put down our 13 year yellow lab alone. She was sick and I BEGGED my husband to stay and not leave me with 2 kids, a sick dog (who couldn't do stairs) living in a small 2nd floor apartment. He still chose to leave. That's when I realized.......this is it. I need to do this alone. My poor Rose (4 yrs) has grown up so much over the summer. She has been the one to comfort me when I'm sad/crying…and then my Everett. He was not planned, but God gave him to me for a reason.
At the advice of my attorney, I came up with a visitation/financial schedule. He said, if we could agree on something prior to a filing, it would be much cheaper & quicker. As always....I get second thoughts. I worry about my kids, but I know they will be fine. Once they get older, I know they are going to say 'you shouldn't have stayed for us'. My husband disagrees. He does not want a divorce and feels I am giving up again. People have problems and they somehow work them out.
My family has mixed reactions...my dad, sister & friends...hate him; my mom...dislikes him, but will support me in what I decide; one brother…says stick it out; my other brother...supports me with what I do. I also feel in the middle when we have a family function. I know my husband feels uncomfortable-ashamed. I wanted him to come right out and talk to my parents. But he pretends like nothing has happened. He's good at that.
I have taken a few steps to better my life since last writing (so why can’t he?). In March I started a new job downtown & returned our van. We do not have a car, but I love not having a payment. Since he’s been back, I find myself having a very short fuse. We do not talk much. I have a lot of anger & disappointment issues. He is working here and there, but I still feel like he is letting me down.
So, my question......I'm not ready right now to file for a divorce. I have too much going on at home and need him to take care of the kids. I'm thinking about therapy. Should we go while he is here? Or is my mind made up? I have no idea where to start. Any family therapist suggestions? I know some of you may say, dump him, leave him, you don’t need him….but there is a tiny part of me that is holding on.
If your asking for our help you mind is not made up. Although it is important to get your families help it is easy to tell someone to leave, but it is much harder to actually do so. I believe that counseling would be beneficial for you, especially since your husband does not agree with the divorce. If he is willing to try harder and work on things, you may be able to make this last. If it does not work and you end up getting a divorce, at least you can say that you tried your hardest and it wasn't meant to be. Try sitting down with your husband and working through things on your own maybe. Ask how he feels about things and let him know how you feel, try not to get anger with each other, be understanding.
Good luck to you, I hope it all works out for the best.
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C.G.
answers from
Chicago
on
My two cents, seek therapy. You should never divorce until you feel like you can look back on it and feel you did everything possible within your power to save the marriage. The fact that you still have some part of you holding on tells me you haven't reached that point yet. You need a professional counselor to intervene now and give you some help, direction and tools to sort through the mess. In the end, you will know what you need to do, whether that be to stay or to go. And if you choose to go at that time, you'll know 100% it was the right thing to do. You'll have no regrets.
Best of luck! And hang in there. Just when things seem like they are falling apart, they are actually coming together.
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J.C.
answers from
Anchorage
on
Therapy can not hurt. Start with solo sessions for both you and him, and than couples sessions to come slightly later. If he is not willing/committed to the process it will not work, and that may change your options.
2 years ago I had my bags packed and one foot out the door. I was done. I had made arrangements to move my kids to my mothers and start my life over. I had the papers filled out for a dissolution of marriage. I agreed to hold off for 6 months and go to counseling. Now, 2 years later, we are happy and connected again, but it took work on for both of us. Therapy can work, it can save a marriage, but only if the people involved are dedicated to that result.
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M.A.
answers from
Chicago
on
The part of you that is "holding on" is holding on to the fantasy of being a happy family with mommy, daddy, and happy kids. You're not going to get it with this guy. You're also holding on to him to help you with the kids, not because you care about him. Although this may sound harsh, their his kids and he SHOULD be raising them with you, paying his part and spending time with them. You don't have to be married to him for that. You would just need a responsible spouse, and he doesn't exactly sound like that. Finally, fear keeps you from taking that last step you know you need to. But you will dither your life and happiness away peering over the edge of the canyon. It's time to leap! I do know people who have gone to marriage counseling, but none who stayed together because of it. It might help solidify your desire to move on with your life.
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J.K.
answers from
Sacramento
on
It sounds like you still have doubts about it really being over, so I say go to therapy... especially if he is willing to work on himself and the marriage also. At the very least you'll learn a lot about yourself and how to fix your own issues, which will improve your quality of life and you'll be able to be a better Mom for your kids.
Best of luck to you~
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J.R.
answers from
Miami
on
Hi L., hang in there. Good for you for considering your options. Your decision is personal, but I will share from experience to help: I also am trying to save our marriage. I work on myself constantly and we are in counselling. It is helping, slowly however, but helping. If you do seek therapy, try to get a referral from a friend or an individual therapist.
HTH. Jilly
