Question About Kids at a Wedding.

I think it's rediculous that she expects you to do all that work and your oldest isn't even aloud at the party. I mean, why have a little girl in the wedding if she's not going to be at the reception? and then the fact that you littlest is not aloud at the wedding but they still want her in the picture? i think it's a rather rediculous request. she probably doesn't understand all the work that woiuld entail... and it's not fair for the one in the wedding to be IN the wedding and not even get to go to the party in return... and yes i know life's not usually fair but in this case I don't see what the big deal is... I would talk it over with your husband, being that it's his sister, with the suggestion that if the 4 year old is old enough to be in the wedding than she is old enough to be at the reception. I can understand not wanting a child at a reception, being that a lot of them serve alchohal, And if that's the case fine but don't bend over backwards trying to get them both ready at different times. just say that though th4 year old can be in the wedding try explaining that if she wants the youngest in the pictures she'll have to wait AT LEAST an hour from the time the wedding is over untill you can COME BACK with your second child to start taking them. If the pictures are after the wedding that is. Also if the 4 year old is ONLY going to be in the wedding and not go to the reception to show off the pretty dress, have the bride pay for the dress, especially if it's a special order or has to be fitted or something. I'm sorry this is a rather long response but i hope it helps
-Sincerely, N.

That is way too much work for you to do. By the time the reception even started you would still be driving around. I would ask your husband to explain to her that these are both your kids and either they come to wedding and reception or not at all. Its his sister so let him do it. In my family we have a lot of kids and they are at the church, parents handle them and same for the reception. That takes a lot of guts to ask for a child to be there for the wedding but not the party or just for pictures. I know I would not do it.

I would have to agree with everyone else. it is ridiculous for her to ask this much of you! i myself have been to 2 weddings as a child (1 as the flower girl), and 1 as a teen. for both weddings as a child i was allowed to the reception (i don't even think there was even a thought of not having me at the reception)...when i was a teen, i was asked to stay home and watch ALL the younger kids (was even paid for it lol). a girl i grew up with got married and her sister (who i was closer to) asked me to come to the reception and stay in the room to watch her son, but if he wanted to come and see her, i was invited to do so, i just had to keep an eye on him (but the rooms were in the same building as the reception).
now (a lil more than a yr from now) a good friend of mine is getting married, she's asking for my daughter (who will be 2 1/2 at the time) to be her flower girl, and me to be her bride's maid. SHE is paying for everything that has to do with my daughter for the wedding, i just have to pay for my dress. her younger son will be the ring bearer (which is why she asked for my daughter to be flower girl so she could have a girl about his size and age standing next to him), and her older son is also in the wedding. she has NEVER said anything about the children not being allowed at the reception.
i myself had my husband's nieces and nephews at my wedding (in a tiny office...we got married by a judge) and the majority of them (and some of his sister's friends kids too) showed up (some uninvited) to my reception...but i didn't mind having children there. it made the night a little better. they were family! and the few children that weren't family, just gave the kids in the family something to do without having their parents not be able to have fun of their own!
for my friend's wedding, i'm planning on asking my mother to be available for the night to watch my daughter. while i DO plan on bringing her with me and my husband to the reception, i want to make sure that at the point of bedtime (and possible crankiness) that someone will be able to take her and put her to bed without us spoiling the day for my friend by having us just leave. IF there were to be a room provided for us (like my friend's wedding where i watched her nephew in the room upstairs) i would just have my mother stay there so my daughter wouldn't be uprooted once everything was over.
honestly, i feel that it should be YOUR decision. i have never heard of someone being told they CAN'T bring their young children. it's more understandable for older kids because they can understand that it's for the GROWN-UPS, but for babies, and toddlers, they should be allowed to be there, with a babysitter set aside to take over once the kids are ready to end their day, IF you don't want to end your night just because the kids are tired. as for the dresses...from what i know (with my family and friends) the bride and groom pay for the children's outfits for THEIR day...it's the adults job pay for themselves, not their kids. i would tell her (or have your husband do it) that if she wants your girls to be dressed up for pictures, but not in the reception, that she has to pay for the dresses and a babysitter to watch them. if not, then it's her problem and she'll just have to find a flower girl who's parents don't care that she's not invited to the party! you need to be honest with her about your feelings toward this. it's NOT unreasonable for you to not want to do all this running around. i personally would be blunt and to the point about it all, and leave NO room for misunderstanding about my feelings (but i wouldn't suggest going about it my way...i tend to start family wars being so honest). GOOD LUCK and let us know what the final decision winds up being, if she's a little more understanding once she hears your views, or if she sticks to her guns and insists NO children.

C.:

I just went through this with my daughter, my sis didn't want her at the wedding and she was only 4 mo at the time. Needless to say I was very upset about the whole thing b/c I traveled for the wedding and I didn't have anybody to take care of my daughter as all the fam was going to be at the wedding. I can certainly understand why people don't want kids at their wedding as I had a no kid policy at mine as well, however my flower girl did participate from the whole shebang as I didn't think fair to make her parents pay for a dress and all the other expenses and then have them send her home. However the mother, who was also my best friend and maid of honor knew my desires of having her out of the dance floor during all the protocol, except when she did need to be there. My friend understood. Typically parents, I'm not saying you are one, don't pay attention to their kids and they roam around and take away from the bride and groom on those special moments when only the bride and groom should be the only ones on the dance floor. I've been to weddings where kids have knocked down the wedding cake b/c they were playing under the table. However I think family is family and they go above and beyond anybody else. After many arguments and me deciding that I was not going to my sis wedding she finally accepted for me to bring my daughter with the understanding that I wouldn't let her "ruin" the ceremony or party, which meant don't let her whail non-stop, I can certainly understand that and so we did. I made sure the baby was fed before the main event and when she got cranky b/c she was sleepy my hubby took her outside until she fell asleep and brought her back. If she is concerned that children will make a mess at the wedding talk to her and assure her that won't be the case as you won't allow your child to roam around while all the important things are going on and she may change her mind, this is her niece not a particular child, why wouldn't you want ALL your fam to share in the special occasion. If she is concerned about what others will say b/c she had a no children policy yet your daughter was there, then 1-she is part of the bridal party, and most importantly she is FAMILY. Again I know many people that have had a no children policy at their weddings yet inmediate family are an exception as it should be. Your hubby should be reaching out to her as it is his sister. Good luck and hopefully you can sort it out to everyone's satisfaction.

O.

I think that you are right to feel like it's not fair. Its not right to ask you to dress your kids for pictures but then bring them home, and feel like you've wasted your money. But at the same time, what time is the reception? Is it one that starts in the evening? Cause if so, then it's really a party for adults anyways. Atleast thats what everyone told me when I got married. My husband and I didn't have any children at our reception either. It was a little bit of a touchy subject but not too bad. My feeling on it is that dinner plates are expensive and most places don't offer a discounted childrens plate...how many children do you know that will actually sit down and eat every last bite of their $75-$100 plate? Plus the parents of those children need to be chasing after them all night long. When in reality they should just be having fun. Like I said it should really depend on the time of the reception....but when it comes down to it, it is up to the bride and the groom...it's their day so whatever they want is what they'll enforce. It is a very touchy subject and I'm sure they'll be people who agree with me, and then there will be others who don't. But like I said before, though sometimes annoying and unfortunate, you really have to go with what the bride and groom want.

This may come out a little rude but believe me I don't mean to be..stuff like this just aggravates me sometimes. If your child is in the wedding party then she should be at the reception. If your other child is not invited, you should not have to bring her just for pictures. Even though it is your sister-in-law, I would decline the invitation to have your daughter in the wedding party. Either they are both invited to church and reception or not at all.
Anyway, that's how I feel and I hope I don't sound too harsh!

Hi I just joined the group and just received this message, so I do not know if the wedding happened. But that is crazy. Weddings are for family. Your newborn should be allowed at the wedding and than a babysitter should take her home (the reception is too loud for her little ears)Your 4 year old should go to the reception for awhile and than go home. This way you can enjoy the wedding and dance with your husband. Maybe you can get a hotel room near the reception and have both kids there with the babysiter, this way you won't have to travel 30 minutes.

I have to say I don't think I would Have her in it. It cost alot for a dress and have her hair done just for her to be at church and not at the party. I do understand not having children at a wedding, but not if they are in the wedding party that is silly.

This may be bold and I apologize it comes across too harsh but I wouldn't go to the wedding. Either they don't go to the church and reception or they go to both. Its an inconvenience to you and she doesn't realize this.

Wow, I've never heard that one before. My 2 daughters were in a wedding (they were 7 and 5 at the time). They were allowed at the wedding (ceremony and party). My youngest was only 1 and bringing her to the party was optional. I chose to keep her with a sitter. This was my sister in laws wedding. Now my niece is getting married next year. My youngest will only be 3 and all 3 of my girls have been asked to be in the wedding (both ceremony and party). I can't believe family would actually say your child could only attend part of it. When I got married, my nephew was 2 and was in the party. I would never have thought to ask my sister not to bring him to the party. She did say though that if he seemed tired, she would have someone come and pick him up and take him home. It didn't happen. She brought his PJ's and he ended up falling asleep on the chairs and didn't bother anyone and my sister had a great time. Perhaps you can suggest to your family member the same thing that you can be prepared to have someone take home your child from the wedding in the event she is tired. I honestly can't believe they made this request. It's so weird. If the bride doesn't want it any other way, I wouldn't have the child participate at all. Just my opinion. Good luck with dealing with this.

Hi C.:

I think its sad how your sis in law wants the kids only for pics but wont allow them to the wedding reception. I dont think its fair for you to have to doll them up then take them home. I had my wedding and had my sis in law bring her kid because she was part of the party she was my flower girl and she was only 2 yrs. My cousin had two of her kids their as well because i wanted her to come to my wedding and I couldnt leave the kids with someone else.

well thats my opinion. hope it doesnt cause any trouble :o)
take care and let me know how it goes

While I understand that some people don't want children at a wedding, I think this bride is being inconsiderate. She obviously doesn't know how much work and time this is going to take for you. My answer would be that if the girls can't be at the church or reception, they can't be in pictures either.
I've always been of the opinion that children at a wedding are a wonderful thing. They are sweet and adorable to watch act all grown up and they remind the bride and groom of the life they are usually in for. Plus, a small child doesn't need a catered place so cost shouldn't be an issue. They can eat from the parent's plate or have something from home brought in. Banning them from weddings and receptions is, in my opinion, just ridiculous. Wedding is about family, children and all. And it's really hard on the parents expected to come and leave their kids behind.
I personally wouldn't go to a wedding where my son wasn't welcomed. JMO.

I personally am not a big fan of a lot of children at a wedding BUT and that's a big BUT, if the child is in the wedding party then I think it's very unfair that they not be invited to the reception. It would be a very big inconvenience, especially for you to have to bring her back home and then come back again. I would bring your concerns to your sister in law and see what she says.

Well Chris, I to am a good mother and I'm 34yrs old and I have to be frank with you. If your soon to be sister in law is acting this way, I would opt out and tell her that you and the girls can only make it to the reception for pictures with the rest of the family. Not in a harsh way but a way she can understand that's its to much for you to handle an hour of safe drivetime with the girls in such time constraints. The safest way for you to make it with both girls would be to the reception. Which in a way is good for you and the girls not to have to rush and get yourselves together and be in one destination at the same time. And still enjoy the event. A lot of people do not always go to the church and the reception. I also understand that she wants your 4yr old to be apart of the wedding, So another option for your soon to be sister in law is provide transportation for her flower girl to be picked and droprd off home, while you and the newborn are getting ready for the reception. Its complicated but easily worked out depending on the type of manners your sister in law has.I hope my advise helps you in someway let me know.

M. and goodluck!

I've read all the posts and I definitely agree that you should have a talk with her to make sure this is really what she had in mind when asking to have your daughter in the wedding. (I say to verify because sometimes in conversations, things get misinterpreted). If this is what she wants, you should ask her to think about how this would happen and how she would feel being left out. Let her know your perspective on what it would be like for you to get her a dress, get her hair done, get yourself ready and your other child(ren), go to the church just to bring her home to be alone, etc. Hopefully, once she sees your side, she may change her mind and make an exception for you. If not, you can apologize nicely and say your daughter will not be able to be in the wedding if she's not able to go to the reception. It's just too much.

On a personal note, I had a similar experience when my best friend, who was also my maid of honor and the godmother of my son told me when my son was only 3 months old that children would not be allowed at her wedding which is occuring this Sept (including my son and her sister's son). I took this to heart and was very upset since I felt that she would want him there since this was her godson. I also had never heard of not having children at the reception because I had never been to a wedding where children were not welcome (we live in NJ where everyone has it at a caterers and cost is usually not an issue since the place usually charges a reduced rate for children over 3 and no charge for children under 3) until I spoke to others about it and some confirmed that some brides don't want children at the wedding because they want to keep it an adult party. Some brides also want the day to be about them and parents running after children can be disrutpive sometimes. I was also a new mom who thought where I go, my son goes. I feel differently now that he's 16 months old and I will actually enjoy the break for me and my husband. It was still upsetting that my friend did not want her nephew and her godson at her wedding but her reasoning was she thought we'd want a break and a night out together. If that was the case, then the decision should have been left up to me.

But I understand this is her day and I will, as a friend, grant her her wish. It is only for one day, after all. But my situation is a bit different than yours since she did not ask him to be in the wedding at all. If this is too much of a burden for you, then you need to let her know where you are coming from and make your decision. Just, if you decide not to have her in the wedding at all, give the bride enough time to find a replacement. I also think some brides need to step out and look at things in other people's perspective. Some brides feel they can do whatever they want and treat people however they please simply because they are getting married. This is disgusting to me. Getting married does not give you a pass to forget right from wrong and the golden rule your momma taught you. Good luck!

This policy of "no children at weddings" is due to the fact that people are now having weddings catered and halls rented as opposed to in someone's backyard where members of the family pitch in and cook the food. So now you have to consider that children won't eat all the food and they don't have discounts (which I think is unfair and causes alot of stress within a family who is planning a wedding, catering halls should give a reduced price for children because they do not eat as much and because they will not eat all of the food they are presented with). One also has to consider that some children are rambunctious and may require lot of attention. But it should be left up to the parent to make the appropriate decision and arrangements for their children.

That aside, however, it is very unfair for the bride to ask for your children to be dressed and only take partial roles in the wedding - one to be a flower girl and the other to just take pictures. Your children are not dolls to be dressed up and shown off on a whim, and that is what she is asking for (IMO). If it were me I would leave my girls out of the wedding altogether if they are not welcome to participate in the entire event. If your daughter is going to be a flower girl she is a member of the wedding party and she should be at the reception. Would she, or any other bride, ask her bridesmaids to dress up for the ceremony and then not attend the reception? Why would a person feel that is an appropriate request just because the individual is a child?

As I said first, this no kids business seems to be gaining popularity and all a parent can do is choose the option that works best for them, but it is very presumptous of your sister-in-law to invite your daughter to be her flower girl and then say she can't come to the reception AND bar the younger one from both events but request she be brought by to take pictures.

hello C.,

i had a similiar situation. it's either they are invited to the entire wedding event or not at all. as you said, it's not fair to your children and it is quite frankly rude!

hope this helps and good luck!

dina

I have just gone through something very simaliar and i think what she is asking you to do is crazy...to pay money to dress the kids and all that stuff just to come and take pictures. i think it should be all or nothing. Either she wants them there or she doesnt! she should expect you to go through all that. I had children at my wedding ages newborn and up and it was wonderful they didnt run wild and ruin anything at all. In fact it was so cute. if the parents cant or dont want ta sitter they should have a right to bring there children along. if they are willing to look after them all night it should be their buisness. and I cant see a place charing for plates for children that young. When i got married we didnt pay for children under 7!
I mean this is only my opinion but I have been through this situation before and like I said beforeThe way it worked out was either the children could come to everything or just stay home all together.

I don't understand why your youngest wouldn't be allowed at the church, what is she going to do?? If they don't want them at the party, but want them in the pictures, then THEY should pay for your baby sitter to come to the reception to watch them. I think that it is being a little silly. I don't know if they have children or not, but sometimes it is hard for people without children to really grasp how children feel (being left out).

If it is about the cost of a plate for children, most weddings that I have been to where there are small children, they didn't even have the same meal for them. You could even offer to bring your own food for the girls if that is what the issue is...

Your husband should really have a talk with his sister and tell her how silly she is being.

We didn't invite a lot of children to our wedding, but the ones involved (flower girl, ring bearer) and their siblings were ABSOLUTELY invited, no question about that!!!

Hi C., This is just my opinion not based on any kind of etiquette rules but I think it's incredibly rude to have your girls there for pics and then not let them go to the party. You are absolutely right that the flower girl is part of the wedding party and of course your daughter will be hurt that the rest of the party will go on without her. To be blunt I think your sister in law is being stupid. It's unreasonable for her to expect you to bring your youngest just for pictures. I'm curious as to why she wants them for pictures if they aren't actually going to be a part of the day. My wedding pictures are for the memories of the day, not a show that we put on with people who weren't even invited to attend our wedding and reception! Good luck with this sticky situation and don't forget that it is YOUR decision how much or little you will allow your daughters to be involved in the wedding!

C.,
To try and appease the bride on her day I would simply request that both children be at the church, stay for pictures and then make one drive back to drop the children off. Of course it makes your day busier and it is too bad you can not have your children with you, but if you can get a sitter than try and enjoy a night out. If your request to have your youngest at the church is denied than you can say it is too much to drive back and forth and that she won't be in the pictures, which would be too bad for all. Try to meet the requests, but do not make yourself crazy in the process. Good luck.