Flower Girl Not Allowed at Reception

She is paying for childcare and giving you 4 weeks notice. Enjoy the break and the "adult" time. She is giving you plenty of time for notice and most parents wouldn't be complaining, they would be rejoicing! Esp having a toddler!!!

If they are providing free child care in the area I would say there should be no issue. If they wanted you to find care at late notice that would be a different story. If you really have a problem with it you could withdraw from the wedding,but be prepared to lose a friend.

Personally, I think it's tacky to exclude children from a wedding.. Children and marriage go together. And to invite guests from out of town and expect them to leave their children behind or with strangers is inconsiderate and rude. At this point, I'd pull her out of the wedding and leave her with family while you're out of town. My daughter would have freaked out at that age if we left her with someone she didn't know and in a place she wasn't familiar with.

.

If they re offering childcare, then yes, I do think you are overreacting. You can always duck out and check on her. I'm the kind of mom who never left my kids before they are two, I am a wedding photographer and I loathe the bridezilla attitude that is so common these days. This is not unreasonable, though. I think she's covering her bases and a month is plenty of notice to give. I say enjoy the date with your husband at the reception.

At first, my reply was going to be to not have her as the flower girl, then I saw that the bride was providing childcare---that's awesome! Sorry, but little kids are a handful and the bride is paying a lot for a special day and on occasion lil ones can disrupt the evening (been there--seen it). Not saying yours would, but kids are unpredictable. You would be able to peek in at her and she will have other kids to play with. Enjoy the wedding!

If they are providing childcare at the reception, you will only be a few feet away from her. To me, this sounds ideal. You can still have a fun time but you can check on your daughter as often as you like. She will be in another room doing kid-appropriate activities. What's not to love?

My uncle is having his wedding in a month in a town an hour and a half away, my whole family will be there, and no kids are allowed at the wedding or the reception. They aren't providing childcare, and have no suggestions for babysitters that we could hire on our own in their town. I have no idea what I'm doing with my kids during this wedding! I wish they would provide some kind of childcare at the reception!! Instead I'm looking at spending upward of $100 for childcare in our town, and then leaving the reception early so we can drive home in time for the babysitter to go home. Uggggh. So take heart, it could be a lot worse. =)

When I got married I was not a mom. I considered having a child free wedding/reception. When our child cries or throws or a fit we just brush it off and deal with it. A lot of people who aren't parents consider it a distraction, a horrible annoyance and think it would ruin a special day.

Since they are offering free day care I would say its all good :-) Someday they'll be parents and maybe feel bad for what they did.

My opinion: If she is providing child care, take advantage of that and enjoy yourself at the reception.
If she was NOT providing child care and expected you to be in wedding, and DD, too then I'd be peeved. But I think you got a good deal from a friend who wants to see the kids and ALL the guests happy.

I have been to weddings before where babies and toddlers did not do well at all. Not fun for anyone.

I'd take a few breaths and then thank you best friend for handling the child care arrangements. Your daughter will probably have more fun with other kids than sitting quietly at a table while adults drink and talk.

OMG are you kidding me???? You should be happy you get to be an adult and be away from your 21 month old for a night. I can't imagine what your 21 month old would like about the event, either.

What, you've never heard of a babysitter?

Scanning the other responses: I can't believe how many other moms are shocked at the idea of a reception without toddlers. Since when is a reception a toddler-friendly event?

ONE MORE EDIT: PEOPLE HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE THE KIND OF WEDDING THEY WANT. It is THEIR day. Have some good grace and put up with whatever way it inconveniences YOU, people. Hopefully, you got you have your wedding YOUR way. Jeez.

I can't imagine how UN-fun it would be to attend a reception and have lots of duties to perform and also take care of a toddler who wants undivided attention and it tired after a long day of activities. I think if she did attend then after a very few pictures you would be VERY appreciative of the free child care.

Just my opinion of course but I would be glad for an adult evening with my husband.

Is your daughter going to be introduced as the flower girl at the reception? . I think I would be a little put out because I am sure you dropped some cash on her dress only to be worn for less than an hour. If she is gong to be introduced (and I think she should be) Then she can go into the kids room to play. You can check on her and if she is not a happy camper, just tell the bride its time to go because she is not happy. I wouldn't be mad or upset with the bride. She has no idea that this may have hurt your feelings, she may even have thought it was a great thing to do for all the parents with children. I hope it works out for all of you.

Even though I think, yes, you are over-reacting, if you feel this strongly about the situation, take your child out of the wedding and provide your own childcare. A 21 month old wouldn't enjoy a reception and nor would you, as matron of honor, if you had to keep an eye on her.

I was in exactly the same situation: I was matron of honor for my best friend, my husband was a groomsman and my eldest at the time was ring-bearer. We had to import our own childcare and pay her way, in addition to our own.

Frankly, I think your friend is doing you a huge favor...try to appreciate it for the gift it is.

I once found out, after we'd made reservations and travel plans to another state to attend a wedding, that we would not be able to bring our 4 kids to either the wedding or reception. We also had less than a month's notice. The groom (my close friend) was honestly puzzled that it was an issue, and asked, "Can't you just leave them at your hotel? They could watch TV or swim or something." My oldest was 8! And with the wedding and reception, we were talking about 6 or more total hours. We made plans to drive an additional 2 hours (each way) to leave them at their aunt's house that day. Otherwise, one of us would have had to miss both events. Since the bride and groom didn't have children, they honestly didn't know, or consider, what the childcare issues are.

At another wedding, when we'd flown 2,000 miles to attend, they wanted no children at the reception, so the bride and groom arranged for a sitter to take my kids. Even though they'd never met the sitter (and my oldest was 6 at the time), they had much more fun getting to run around and play than they would have had at an adult event where they had to be on their best behavior and avoid touching enticing things (cake, gifts, glassware).

I would say that your daughter will also have more fun in childcare, and since she's in the same building, you can check on her. It is their day, and they've been more cponsiderate than many people in similar situations. Let it go and enjoy the day.

I'm going to be the minority here and say you're making a mountain out of a molehill for a couple of reasons. Yes, your daughter is not even two and you don't want to leave her with a stranger. BUT.....she will be in the next room and you can check on her all you want. Two, unless you have real reason to believe otherwise, if your family is close enough to the bride to have ALL OF YOU in important roles, you should be able to trust who she set up to watch all of the children. Finally, you're right in that it is her day and I think the fact that she chose to provide childcare in the same building right next door to the reception shows that she IS thinking of all of her guests and trying to accomadate the fact that she really wants you (and others) with kids to be there without being able to use the "I don't have someone to watch the kids" excuse. And why is one month's notice not enough for you if you are not expected to find your own childcare?

Actually, I think it's a little weird because it's usually the other way around. I think it is completely appropriate to exclude very young children from a wedding (as long as childcare is provided), but usually then the kids are allowed to attend the reception. Still, I guess I don't think this is a big deal. If you're uncomfortable with your child being in the provided childcare, you could always hire your own babysitter and leave early. Or you can back out, but you might lose the friendship. Good luck.

Do you have parents or in-laws that can pick her up. My son was a ring bearer many years ago and although he was welcome at the reception it was a late wedding, and not really a place for children in my opinion. People will be drinking and dancing and children at weddings can be a distraction. I wouldn't be hurt I don't think it is personal at all I think she just doesn't want any distractions.

That is so stupid! The kids are the highlight of every reception! If it were me, i'd bring her in anyway. I mean, she is IN the wedding-- she is part of the wedding party. HOW RUDE. Are they going to have a police officer at the door waiting to escort you out? Give me a freaking break. Just don't say anything about it-- not a word. Then that day, bring her... the bride will have plenty of other problems to deal with without caring about a few kids at the reception. I doubt you'll be the only one anyway.

I got married a year ago (Aug 15th) and we had an intended Adult-Only reception. Although I had the reception planned out so my ring bearers & Flowergirls were the ONLY kids that came, I didn't want it to turn into a kid-fest at my reception. There is nothing worse on a bride's special day than to have her 1st dance or a special dance with her dad ruined by kids running across the dance floor. It almost happened at my wedding, and thank Goodness my husband had the sense to put a kaboosh on that quickly. When his cousin showed up with his 3 kids in tow, my parents politely asked them to find childcare. They were so loud during our wedding, I was MORTIFIED!!! and watching my wedding ceremony and hearing kids crying during my vows and ceremony drove me into tears.

Every girl only gets one day where they shouldn't have to compromise what they want--THEIR WEDDING DAY! I would suggest you either leave your daughter with either of your parents, a babysitter, or take turns with keeping her occupied.

P.S. Most reception halls now charge an arm & leg for kids plates, thats possibly another reason they may have decided to make it adult-only.

I always say, if you're upset, then you have a right to be upset. You're not overreacting if it's truly how you feel! With that said, your girlfriend is the star of her own show -- her wedding. Whether she has the right or not, she will be self-centered, sometimes selfish, and in her own universe. I recently had a similar situation with my best girlfriend who asked me what weekends were not good for me, then planned her big event on the single day I told her I had a mini family vacation planned. She was then upset when she thought I would choose to not be there for her on her big day. She was completely surprised at my decision to send my family off without me. My thoughts on it: OF COURSE I wouldn't miss being there for her. Even though I'll always be a bit peeved that my time and family commitments apparently meant nothing to her on her big day, the joy I felt to share her day with her made it so worth it for me. She's my best friend, I absolutely love her, and we can always be there for each other. (I give her a hall pass for this recent bout of selfishness!)

As for the wedding ... party on girl! Food, drink, friends, music, memories ... free babysitting! Now that's a great night out! My sister-in-law had all three of my kids in her wedding (my daughter was 18 months at the time) and did the same as your girlfriend. Not only did DH and I have a fantastically fun time, but my baby girl did too. I know because it was easy to check on her periodically, just down the hall. If anything, use the babysitting and if you don't feel your daughter is thriving there then you have the understandable excuse to leave early. Just like parents need their adult time without kids, kids love kid time without their parents. I have a feeling your daughter will be just fine. :)

Yes you are overreacting. Many couples opt not to have children (especailly small children) at the reception. Some allow children in the wedding party to come to the beginning of the reception for the purpose of taking pictures.

Your good friend is offering childcare just down the hall, so you can go check on your little girl a few times and you and your husband can enjoy the reception.

Blessings.....

I really don't see the issue because she is providing for a childcare in another room in the same place. You can go and check on your little girl and probably even bring her into the reception for short periods of time for pictures and such.

Now, if she would expect you to go and take your child to a sitter somewhere else, that would upset me.

I have seen some horrors that small kids have done at weddings, and if she allows yours, she would have to allow them all.

That's too bad, kids really make the reception fun! But in this case they are offering childcare(do you know the people who will watch your baby?). So I'd take them up on it. I too would check in every couple hours or so. Or better yet. Stay at the reception an hour or two then leave with your child if you need too. It will all work out, try not to think about it.

I understand you problem with this. I too am funny about who watches my child. Will the kids be eating in this other room or will they be allowed to eat before leaving the reception? See if the "no kids" apply to your daughter too. If so, is is possible to have one of the grandparents (or someone else close to your daughter) watch her either in the other room or take her elsewhere? If not, explain to your friend that this poses a problem for you and your husband because you are not comfortable having someone else watch your daughter and since you are all three in the wedding one of you leaving is really not an option. Ask her if your daughter can attend.

I don't think you should just bring her in the reception anyway as it is the bride and groom's day...their rules apply.

I think what she did is not alright.
It's fine that she does not want kids at the reception, but she should have told you at the time you agreed to be her matron of honor. That way you could have either organized for childcare that you feel comfortable with, or politely declined the honor.
My daughter is almost three and in full time daycare. But I take great care in choosing her care provider, and there is no way I would leave her with some random sitter somebody else arranged and that I don't even know.
I also feel that she is an integral part of our family and frankly, I don't usually feel like I want to go somewhere, where she would not be welcome. I do not miss going to "adults only" type of events and places - but that's just me.

I would talk to her in a calm honest way about this. How you have been blindsided by this and whether you can come up with a compromise.
Other than that you can always politely bow out of the wedding or decide to leave the reception early, to minimize the effects on your daughter.
Talk to your husband about a combined strategy.
good luck!

My son (24 months) was recently a ring bearer in a friends wedding. If there hadn't been other kids there to run around and play with him and watch him, I'd have been miserable.

So I agree with Susan O. If childcare is provided, take advantage of it. You and your husband are IN the wedding, so will be busy with making toasts, helping the bride and groom, gathering people together for cake cutting, etc. You will go crazy if you have your bride responisbilities PLUS caring for your daughter.

After the wedding, let your daughter run around and be cute for a little bit. People will want to see her and take pictures of her being adorable. Then hand her off to the child-care people. You'll be nearby should she need you. All youll have to do is pack a bag with food and diapers and a change of clothes. Someone else can do al that mommy work for you. I agree that your 21 month old will have more fun playing with the other kids than having to 'be quiet' while toasts and dances and cake's being cut. But this is all just my opinion. You do what you want. What does your husband think?

There is childcare in the next room. You can check on her as often as you'd like and have a great time at the reception. I rarely leave my kids, but would love a situation like this where I could have fun and know my kids were close by playing and having a great time. I did not want young children at my wedding or reception. I don't think it is appropriate to bring them if they aren't old enough to know how to behave at such an event. Just my opinion.

I think she handled it appropriately by providing childcare. I've heard of many receptions where children are not allowed, even if they are in the party. Now, had she not had childcare IN ANOTHER ROOM, I would be upset, but, she covered her bases. No reason to respond or handle the situation. She handled it for you. Go enjoy yourself. :)

I'm just going to make this suggestion: if you are uncomfortable about leaving your daughter in the babysitting room with an adult you don't know, hire someone yourself (if you can) and have them watch her in the babysitting room. That way you can enjoy the reception and be assured your child will be well taken care of.

I have been to several wedding that had small children as flower girls and ring barriers and at each one the young tots were at the reception because they were part of the wedding. I can see them not wanting other guests at the reception but your daughter is in the wedding and I feel should be allowed to attend the reception. If it was me I wouldn't go to the reception because I won't leave my kids w/ complete strangers I'd simply leave after the ceremony.

My sense is that they don't have children of their own. My first thought was how inconsiderate of them to ask you to have her in the wedding and then get her to child care and then be back at the reception for the grand entrance, but they have it covered with their child care.

They just don't realize how stressful it is to leave a child with someone they are unfamiliar with and in a strange place.

I would probably have to tell her you are not willing to stress your little one that way and are going to have to pull her to stay the evening with your mother or familiar sitter. She just isn't realizing the amount of stress this is on everyone. Tell her as soon as possible in order for her to make other arrangements.

By leaving your little one with her childcare in the other room and popping in on her, you are taking a risk that she will freak out. Weddings often run late and it sounds like it is pretty formal if it is all adult. That will require you and hubby to be present for photoshoot, grand entrance, sit down dinner, and toast. It will be difficult for you to peak in on her as others mention. Will she be upset if you skip out on a few of these methodical chain of events?

It is very common for an adult only reception. Usually any children that are in the bridal party leave shortly after they are announced, sometimes they stay for the first dance because it is cute to see them dancing on the sidelines. They could have been on the fence as far as if they were going to have the kids stick around or not and that may be why she just brought it up. I wouldn't be offended if this happened to me, I would completely understand and not try to add any more stress to the bride and groom. If you wish, have a family member pick her up so that you know who she is wuth or just check up on her in the kids room, I bet they will be having a ton of fun.

It may be a policy if there is alcohol children are not allowed. That would be anyone under 21. Your little one will be fine. You make it alright and she will feel it will be alright. Just check on her and let her know you will.

Have fun.

N. Marie

I know you already received a lot of responses, so please forgive me if I'm repeating. At first I was appalled, however after reading through the entire post, you say that there is child care in another room. In that case I really don't see the problem. I think providing a child-friendly environment in a nearby room is very generous of the wedding couple. The kids will have a better time there anyway, since there will be no one shushing them during the speeches, or asking them to sit still, etc. If you are matron of honor and your hubby is a groomsman, you will both be pretty busy with your wedding duties and the fact that you your daughter is being well entertained and looked after nearby, and that you can pop in and check on her at anytime should be a relief. Personally, I think this is a great solution. Relax and enjoy the evening. :)

Yes, you are over reacting! One month should be ample time to find someone to pick her up from the wedding and watch her. She is not even two--she won't care if she misses it unless you make a big deal and production about it. You and your husband will be attending to the bridal party needs. That is why you agreed to be in the wedding.

I think it depends on the type of wedding. Some of the weddings I have been to have gone till late night/early morning (more like a party), and of course that is just way too late for kids, let alone expect for them to behave. Then there are the weddings that wrap up by 11, and are on a calmer note, which maybe kids would be ok at. Ultimately this is the couples choice, and its their special day.
If you are close enough to her to be in the wedding party, you should be close enough to respect their wishes. If you don't feel comfortable enough leaving her with the free child care, then arrange to have someone pick her up that you trust after the pictures. I understand your frustration, but maybe she just assumed you would be ok with it. I hope you figure something out hats comfortable for you. Good Luck!

The bride cannot make an exception for your daughter that will not end up making it a huge issue for all the other parents that were not able to bring their own children [especially any of the bride or groom's relatives]. Because of the wedding reception location and time, we had our black tie reception adults-only. We offered and paid for multiple sitters to take care of the children in a large room. At one point we thought about having my niece and nephew who were 3 and 4 years old and in the wedding at the reception. Then their parents said that of course their other children would have to come too. Then our other siblings with children got wind of it and wanted their kids to come also. You can see the slippery slope. The kids had a great time with each other playing games and not being forced to sit still and "behave." Parents did also, enjoying time with their spouses and friends. It's is their wedding-- let them have their moment.

There's childcare in the next room! Go enjoy being an adult at an adult event and check on the child from time to time in the kid's room. I didn't want little kids or babies at my own wedding either, and many people provide childcare to make sure they don't have to worry about it.

Children not being invited has been the norm for weddings we've attended. Count it as a blessing that they are providing childcare!!! We have never encountered that before and I can't tell you how hard it is to arrange childcare when you are coming from out-of-state to attend a wedding.

I can totally understand taking some offense to this...BUT, when my son was ring bearer at around 3.5 yo (and I was matron of honor), the reception was a nightmare AND my hubby, mother, brother and SIL were guests. She will want YOU! It will be difficult for you to enjoy the reception with her there....what about after the meal, wedding dance then she goes to childcare? At least they're providing that. We just rsvp'd NO to a wedding (adults only) b/c we didn't have a sitter b/c all family was attending. (Also, at the wedding we were in, the kids in the wedding party were only in the church photos--not the other THREE remote locations we traveled to!)

I also think it is tacky to exclude children from weddings. I am really disappointed in this trend. A wedding is supposed to be a day to unite families, and children are at the core of those families.

I have been to many weddings with children and babies and GRACIOUS brides....the children ran everywhere and had fun and all the adults enjoyed celebrating with the children.

I know that when my daughter was 21 months old, a) I would not think her developed enough to handle the job of flower girl b) Would NEVER trust her to be in someone's care without an established relationship.

I think I would back out of the whole thing completely. I would attend the wedding with my child as a guest, and not attend the reception.

I think if she wants an adult night, she should save that for the honeymoon:)

Good luck!

Hi S.,

You clearly feel strongly about this so my suggestion is that you and your family not attend the reception. Let your girfriend know that you don't feel comfortable not having your daughter with you. She has the option of changing her mind, or not.

I would be annoyed finding out at the last minute. I am a planner. However keep in mind that it is her day so dont cause strife. Also she might not completely get it if she doesnt have kids.
This is what I would do. Do NOT cause any problems just go along with what she said.
Now if your daughter already attends she is probably used to a babysitting situtation. If she is not comfortable with the situation put your daughter in the babysitting but after 20 min check on her and if she doesnt like it get your daughter out of the babysitting and tell your friend it was a lovely wedding but you have to go your daughter is not used to babysitting and was crying the whole time. Say you dont want to upset the other children especially since its right next door to your friends wedding. I bet she will let it slide and let your daughter stay.

Ugh, what a pain. I agree, I would not leave my daughter with anyone I didn't know, and she's three. She's kind of shy and would be really upset by that. And I wouldn't trust just anyone to care for her. So, if it is an out of town wedding, I would just explain this to your (best) friend and say that you will be happy to be in her wedding but that you will have to skip the reception. Your child comes first. Or, you and your husband can take turns being at the reception and staying with your daughter. Or, if it is a wedding close to home you can get a babysitter and enjoy he reception with your husband.

We had children at our wedding, but if a couple doesn't want them there, then you have to respect that. Very lame that they waited until now to tell you that. And I'd think they'd make an exception for your daughter since she is in the wedding.

Remember, people who don't have kids (yet!) just don't get it. Do what you have to dogie your family. She'll understand one day when she has her won kids. :)

I don't think you are over reacting at all! She should have told you in advance. I agree with several of the other answers in that it is not unreasonable at all for the bride and groom to want an adults only reception. I also think it is wonderful that they are providing childcare.

However, you should have been told in advance so you could have either made a different decision or at least had time to process the information. I am a planner and if someone would have sprung this on me at the last minute, I would be very upset. If I would have known upfront, I could have been mentally prepared for it and/or possibly even reserved someone for childcare myself (grandma, usual babysitter, etc.).

As far as advice on what to do, I'm not sure at this point there is anything you can do. Maybe check with the bride to see who the childcare person/people are and if they are hired strangers find out if they are certified or train in how to handle younger toddlers since they need different care. Otherwise, ask someone you know that isn't involved in the wedding to pick up your daughter and bring her home for the night.

I hope it all works out well for you and to echo what Corie R said, I'm annoyed for you, too!

Personally, I enjoy going to weddings and receptions without my children. It's a nice break and time to spend with my husband and other adults. The fact that your daughter isn't even two is probably why it is better that she's in another room with all of the other children (it's also nice that childcare is provided). I went to a wedding/reception where they also provided child care and my children 5, 3 and 6 months had a much better time there versus trying to be quiet among adults. They were close by, should anything come up (like needing to be breast fed or having separation anxiety - which they did not) and we could still enjoy the reception. Just enjoy the evening and celebrate your best friend's day.

I'm going to a wedding next month and she has two little boys to serve as ring bearers and they are not invited to the reception. I've seen people bring their little ones to the wedding but not the reception. I always considered childless receptions were the NORM. YES she should have told you ahead of time BUT maybe she didnt tell you ahead of time because she thought it was clear and didn't need to be said.

Yes, they should have given you more warning. Like before asking if you, your husband, and your daughter would be in the wedding, you should have been briefed on all the logistical details. However, I wouldn't get too upset over it. You and your husband will both be there, so worst case senario, you can take turns being out with your daughter if she has a hard time with the babysitter or kid's room. You can leave the reception early, and well, the bride should understand if that is all your really young daughter can be in the childcare room. Sorry that wouldn't be as much fun for your family, but if "no kids at the reception" is that important to her, she will have to understand you will be less present at the reception. Best case scenario, your daughter will have a fun time with other kids in an enviroment more set up for her age group, and you and your DH will have a wonderful evening in adult company. I would just go and make the best of it, though they should have told you at the beginning of the planning process. It's hard to understand what parents of young kids go through before you have kids yourself. My sister wanted to have her wedding one week after my first baby was born. My mom had to tell her, um, no, that is too close. Now, she has 2 kids and tells me she was out her mind for thinking she should have had her wedding one week after my due date.

I am actually surprised that she is doing childcare for the reception and not the wedding itself! My aunt and uncle married us (both pastors) and their little boys were in the wedding. We had someone come to watch my youngest cousin (about your daughter's age) after he walked down the aisle because we were afraid he wouldn't behave during the service (his parents included), but WANTED them at the reception! In fact, my best table camera pictures came from my two little cousins! I can't stand the no kids at a wedding rule that some brides have come up with...

Anyways...I suggest taking advantage of the baby-sitting but let your friend know that if your daughter has issues with the sitter you will be bringing her in or leaving. Hopefully your friend realizes how stressed you are about this and just lets her stay!

Personally, I would be more than annoyed! Why would your friend invite children to be IN the wedding and not attend the reception? I know it's her wedding and all but have some common courtesy!! Yes, your daughter is not quite two and probably won't really remember this day BUT how would your friend feel if SHE were 'good enough' to be in someones wedding but not 'good enough' to attend the reception?!? I don't think she'd appreciate it very much, and this is EXACTLY what she is doing to your daughter. In your shoes, I might even be upset enough to pull my daughter from the wedding...although doing so would probably damage your friendship, my question would be 'is she really a friend I NEED to have, if she doesn't know me well enough to know how I'd feel about leaving my child w/strangers AND doesn't respect me enough to be upfront and honest with me in the beginning?' Maybe she knew you'd be upset, that's why she waited so long to tell you, didn't want you to have the opportunity to say no, my child cannot be in your wedding if they cannot attend your reception, you'd feel REAL bad backing out now, plus YOU'd look like the selfish one, not her...food for thought, anyway.

You have two choices to make...go to the wedding and leave after pictures and before the reception...or go to the reception and let your daughter stay with the "sitter" across the hall.

Unless you plan on getting completely snockered (which you shouldn't do anywya cause you have your kid with you) and are afraid that walking across the hall or in a next room will be too much of a hardship,then go to the reception and have a good time.

If it's causing this much stress, maybe you can secure your own sitter and have her in the next room exclusively for your child...or if it's close by, take your child to a sitter and then come back and enjoy the reception.

I think it's TOTALLY up to the bride and groom how they want to have their reception. And I'm certain there are parents out there who would LOVE to have a guilt free (cause you CANT bring the kids) outting with their spouse that didn't include chasing after a wee one.

In a nutshell, talk to me when you have more than one child or after this one is 15....lol See how quickly you RSVP with a resounding YES!!!!

Sending good thoughts your way. :)

i think people are muddling the issue. its fine for people to have an adult only wedding since its their choice and you cant expect others to believe what you might believe, but this is not the issue. some of the responses were trying to give reasons why its appropriate for adults only or you should be glad to have a night out??? that is not your complaint.

the other guests are going to this wedding able to enjoy the night knowing their kids are safe and sound in thier own house with grandma or a trusted sitter. you were told your daughter would be in the wedding, and never were given reason to think she wouldnt be with you. it really is not the norm to have the flower girl not included, i mean i have never been to a wedding with that occuring. the flower girl is not a guests kid, she is part of the whole celebration and they should want her in pics. its just strange.

aside from that, to wait until a month before the wedding to change the deal is selfish. doesnt she realize that had you known this, you may have either declined or made other arrangements. i often see grandma come pick up a child after an hour or maybe go up to a hotel room if the parents had one. but to assume that you would just be fine with leaving your child with a unknown person in a daycare like setting with other children who may be older and not appropriate to be with your daughter(i wouldnt want a 10 year old boy with my baby in a daycare, diaper changes, ect), it seems selfish. besides, your daughter will probaly be there after her bedtime. its one thing to be with mommy at 9 pm, but i wouldnt stress your daughter being in that situation late at night. but even if she is fine there, thats not the point. your friend shouldnt have decided what will be okay for your daughter and what you should accept as the mother.

consider yourself fully validated. now, as to what to do...

can you have a family member pick her up at the church and watch her that night? or meet her at the reception to take her to your room? if so, do it, and do not make your arrangements around your friend then being upset they didnt get the pics they wanted with her. your daughter is your number one concern. if that is not possible, i would take her out of the wedding if you are really bothered by it and simply state you wish she had given you more notice.

but if you feel she really is your best friend, explain the problem in detail. make sure to validate her desire to have no children(it is her choice), reinterate that is not the problem. maybe there is a particular parent that wants to bring their child, and this is her way of dealing with the problem. but if she doesnt understand and bend, i would tell her on such short notice you cant find a sitter and you dont feel comfortable leaving your child with a stranger in a unfamiliar place after her bedtime and after her long day. if she is your friend, she shouldnt blame you since she waited until only a month before. good luck

Well, I'm seeing the responses of others saying you're over-reacting. I'm surprised! I would be TOTALLY annoyed! She should have told you the situation when she asked to have your daughter in the wedding. That way you could have decided if that would work out for you. If you weren't comfortable with it, then you could have chosen not to have your daughter be a flower girl and arranged for her to spend the day with Grandma or whoever while you were at the wedding. My daughter would NOT be fine with strangers babysitting her - so, for us, it would be a huge problem with our very sensitive child.

It's not that I think it's unreasonable to have a wedding reception without children. Many people choose to do so and that's their call and I think nothing of it. However, I still think it would have been common courtesy to let you know since your child is IN the wedding, instead of "Oh, by the way..." So, humph, I'm annoyed for you! :-)

Some women are just crazy when it comes to their idea of the perfect wedding or what they think will make it "not perfect". lol Let's face it, once the wedding gets underway that bride is not going to notice or care if your daughter is there! I say let your daughter go to the childcare room and if it becomes an issue that you are stressing that night or she is stressing that night, bring her in to the reception. I have to laugh at this one. This bride is nuts if she thinks she is going to have childcare in another room, at the same place, and actually think that none of those kids are going to end up in her recepton. I can almost bet the house on at least half of those kids ending up in the reception room at one point or another. Don't worry, try to have a good time, and relax knowing that she is just in another room if you need her or she needs you. Think about it ...what's she going to do if you have to bring your daughter in to the reception...throw you out?? I don't think so. It will all be okay in the end.

I think that is a reasonable request. IMO. Generous of them to offer childcare in another room. It's a bummer, but it's their decision, get over it and go and have fun!

Hello Saracouv, As both a parent and Event Planner I thought I would respond to this. I have been apart of over 200 weddings and receptions, so I have some experiance with this problem.1. The couple may have just arrived at the decision at the request of event planner or someone.2. They know how long and loud the reception will be and how much drinking there will be and understand that is not the place for a child.3. They understand that some more pictres will be taking place and the child at that age will be to tired which means that one or both of you will miss out-- generally happens just before the toast!,
4. Since she knew she didn't want you to miss out on a special night with your husband to be adults and have fun she provided you with child care so you knew she was trying to be responsible and respectful of the need.
I have been at receptions with children and no drinking and every one was just fine and had a great time. On the other hand I have been to some where all it took was 2 people getting drunk and scareing the children to mess up the entire night. I have seen times when the parents were not in the wedding party and they have just let after dinner but that is not your case.
In realtiy your little one will be tired from a long day of activity and just want to cuddle with her mom and blanket. If its to hard for you, then by all means tell the bride and groom so and that you appreciate htier offer but will find a way to keep your child from crying in the noise and from being a distraction with any pictures. Strangers will think she is cute and it will only bother them if she is not able to cope. As parents this was something you might have given thought to when both agreed to be apart of the wedding.
My son and daughter in law, were both in a recent wedding and at the last minuet left the grandchild with me which is a treat, and that solved our problem becasue they didn't want her in that enviroment, and decided to stay the night at the hotel. Is the child care at the hotel? Do you know the person giving the care? Hotels that have staff for this will let you look at the care place in advance and meet the caregivers. I have yet to have a manager say no.
I understnd that this has set you in a tail spin in an already expensive and emotional situation, but again she is telling other guests the same thing and may only be providing care because your little one is part of the wedding party. Many receptions are adult only activities and I can list only 4 groups of people that I have done receptions for that include the entire family every time The Spanish, Tongan, Samoan, The Mormons. Everyone else like I say are adult only that I have done.

I'm going to agree with MK. While she definitely should have given you a heads up there's nothing you can do about that now. Ask her who will be watching the kids ... you have time to get to know them before the wedding. Have a back up sitter just in case you're not comfortable. Personally, I never would have taken my 2 year old to a reception anyway - she would have just gotten tired and cranky and no one wants that around. LOL

I think your friends are trying to be considerate by offering childcare but you are right, they should have let you know before you agreed to have your daughter be their flower girl. On the other hand, they feel they have come up with a good solution, my guess is they do not have kids and do not get it, and it is their day. I would have more of a problem with who is watching these kids. I do not let anyone I do not know VERY well watch my kids.

All that being said, here is what I would do. I would not say anything to them about my disappointment. It really is a special day for them and this is not important enough to upset them over it. I would see if I could get a babysitter for the reception that I knew very well and felt comfortable with. I then would spend just enough time at the reception to hit the highlights, the speech, cake cutting, etc. then high tail it home. Another option would be to have you stay for the reception (since you are the Matron of Honor) and send your husband home with your daughter.

A final but bit more dramatic option would be to not have your daughter be a flower girl at all. I am shocked they want a child that young do it anyways. Then you just get a sitter for the night and have a nice time out. = )

Good luck with this, I know it is frustrating but she has asked you to be Matron of Honor for a reason. You much be very special to her, I would just let her day be her day and work around it best you can. This is not a time to make a point or make her feel bad. I cannot imagine how awful I would feel if my Matron of Honor decided not to share in the reception for my wedding because of something that could have been worked out.

Let her have her day.

P.S. For the record, I would be just as angry as you. It sucks that we have to cave on some things.

She should have told you when she first asked that your daughter be in the wedding. My kids were in a wedding, and went to the reception. If you are really upset, pull your daughter out of the wedding. You and your husband go and have a good time.

Your best friend? Just wait until she has kids of her own.......
To handle this situation, I'd tell her the way you feel about it.
"She is only 2, I can't leave her with someone she doesn't know."..etc etc.
"she is in the wedding - you should have told me sooner before I bought the dress" etc...Yes - make her feel guilty!
And what does "adult only" mean anyway?
What do they intend to do that is not for childrens eyes?
Yeah, this hit a sore spot with me, since we were recenlty invited, and then UNINVITED - since we have kids, to a wedding. Check my questions and you'll see you are not the only one questioning this newfound wedding scenario of kids not allowed.
Oh, and BTW - that wedding was last night, and wouldn't you know it: my mother in law tells me that sure enough there were 2 kids at that wedding, however we were told to not bring ours and in that same way, we were uninvited.
If she is your best friend (really?) she should bite her tongue and say she made a misstake and let you bring your daughter.
Kids at a wedding is part of the fun - I don't get it any other way.

I had a child less wedding, however the ones who stood up were invited. I think that is a clear line to draw if that is what she is intending on doing. I did it because my cousins kids are total brats and I did not want them running all over the place. My my ring barrier, flower girl and JR brides maids were invited to the reception. I do not think you are overreacting. If your daughter was not going to be invited to the reception, then that should have been stated ahead of time.

I think your biggest concern should be the wedding: your daughter will look at both her mom and dad and want to be with them. Do you really want her saying 'uppy, mommy' during the ceremony?

My brother and sil did the same thing - wanted our 2 y.o. daughter in the wedding but not at the reception (of course, the 7 year old flower girl was allowed). It did not go over well. If I had to do it over, I would've just had dd be with a babysitter and/or not be in the wedding and sitting with me (while dad was best man). I had asked that the pictures w/ dd be taken 1st so we could get out of there....but of course, they were last so we had a fidgety, bored 2 year old sitting through tons of photos.

Yes it's the bride's wedding but when she asks for an adorable tot to be in the wedding...she has to make some considerations.

hth

I know a lot of people have an adults only reception, however since your daughter is in the wedding it seems a little absurd to ban her from the reception. Its thoughtful of her to provide childcare, but she has to know that wouldn't work for everyone especially if you have very young children. A 20 month old might not react well to being left in a room with strangers. My daughter is 2 and has only been babysat by family... personally I would not bring her to the wedding at all (good chance she would panic and not make it down the aisle anyway) and find your own babysitter that can watch her during the wedding, someone she is already comfortable with. Just explain this to your friend and hopefully she will understand. Or ask if you can just have her at the reception since she's part of the wedding party.

At my wedding kids were allowed at the reception, but it was annoying for the parents because the kids kept trying to get into everything as they were bored. I think your daughter would be happier playing with other kids in the nursery. If not see if they would be willing to let you bring her. They probly just want everyone to have fun without their kids for a while & there will most likely be a lot of alcohol & don't want the kids around it (especially if there are any adults that get overly wild when they drink).

God bless!

On the bright side, if it all works out it'll be a nice evening out for you and your husband. For that reason, we always get a sitter for local weddings (even if kids are invited). But I totally understand your frustration! In my opinion, she should have told you about the "no kids" policy at the time they asked your daughter to be the flower girl, but someone without kids probably just doesn't realize that.

I'd first try to work it out without bothering the bride about it. I'm sure she is stressed about a million other wedding-related things. Maybe try to get your own sitter for the reception - someone your daughter already knows and is comfortable with. If that doesn't work out or isn't an option, then bring it up with your friend, but try not to be too hard on her - it sounds like she's trying to be accomodating. If she doesn't have kids, she probably just doesn't really understand your situation. I think I would try the provided childcare, but talk to your friend about the possibility that either you or husband would have to leave or take turns watching your daughter if she's really not comfortable there. My daughter is 20 months, so I know it's a tricky age in terms of strangers and separation anxiety. It would be difficult to leave her in a new place with people she didn't know, but occasionally there are people that she seems immediately comfortable with.

I dont think you are overreacting.I think it is very selfish of your friend.Weddings are a celebratrion of love with friends and family.

I'M sorry for you as you are in the wedding party but I think you need to tell your friend how you feel because it could seriously damage your future friendship.

Best of luck
B.

Ok, to have asked you to have your daughter participate in the wedding and then NOT allow her to stay is tacky. I had my own wedding and special events business for 20 years and what THEY need to do is provide babysitting for your little one so that you can stay and enjoy the evening. OR if it's early enough in the day, they can have someone ON SITE. Granted, 21 mths old is a bit young for an adult event but they KNEW THAT when they asked you if she could be a part of the wedding . I believe that some sort of compromise is in order for you to be able to attend the wedding comfortably. You also want to be sure that your little one enjoys the day as well. To subject her to a long adult event is a bit unfair at this age SO if they bride and groom aren't going to provide babysitting, I would suggest having a close friend or relative come and pick up your little one either after pics are done or after dinner has been eaten. Good luck - this is never an easy situation to deal with

Just talk to your friend about this. It could be the case where it is an adults only reception but that doesn't apply to the flower girl. I'm sure an exception can be made for you and your daughter in this case. If you friend has never been a mother, she's probably clueless about what an imposition this will be on you and your husband. Discussing it with her will help her get a better understanding about how inconvenient and unfair this would be to you and your daughter.

I have not read all the responses so I am sorry if I am repeating anything. I can totally understand you being annoyed that they didn't give you more notice but you still have time to figure things out. Maybe in a non-confrontational way you could tell her, hey, I wish I had known this sooner. That being said, it is their day and they can decide to have kids, or no kids, and it's not up to others to judge what they do. It's nice of them to have child care available and you can consider taking advantage of it, but you might want to make the bride aware that you might end up having to have your daughter with you anyway, because she doesn't do well with strangers, etc. Make it out like it's something your daughter wouldn't do well with, rather than something you have trouble with, because I can't imagine anyone having a problem with that, when it's about your child whose feelings you cannot control and is at an age where they can only cope with so much.

When I got married 6 years ago, I had a 3-year-old flower girl, a 6-year-old ring bearer (and their mom was my cousin and my matron of honor) and my husbands sons were almost 10 and 11 and were junior groomsmen. My hubby thought we shouldn't have any other kids and I said we really couldn't do that, because many other family members had kids too (the youngest being 2) and I didn't want anyone to feel excluded. As it turned out, everything went just fine. One my cousins, whose son was 3 at the time, didn't make the ceremony because it would have interfered with nap time and then he knew the child would be a nightmare - he was like, "You would not want him there overtired, believe me!" I really appreciated his honesty and when they came to the reception later, the boy was in a good mood. I was fortunate that all the kids who were there knew how to behave themselves and had parents that knew how to get their kids to behave but also had realistic expectations. They were fine during the ceremony and dinner, and by the time the music started they were ready to cut loose and it was fun to have them be part of the action and see them enjoying themselves in their own way. I guess it all just depends on the kids, their ages and temperments, and what kind of tone the bride and groom are trying to set (semi-casual vs. uber-formal).

Also, my cousin the matron-of-honor with the ring-bearer son and the flower-girl daughter, asked me if it would be okay if they brought their baby sitter along to help with the kiddos so her and her hubby could enjoy themselves. I was more than happy to oblige. Maybe that could be an option to if you are not comfortable with the idea of leaving your daughter with someone else.

You have so many responses! Its rude yes and selfish of the bride. I did the same thing, although a little glad I did cuz my relatives dont watch their children at weddings and parties and are way bad! I still had 2 families show up with their kids though! What was I going to do,kick them out? No, had bigger things on my mind! The babysitter would be a nice break if u wanted to enjoy yourself, if thats a problem either a)talk to bride and tell her whats up or b)take her to reception anyway and try to keep her well behaved and entertained (maybe even bring your own food for her) and either way u may have to leave reception to check on babysitter or put your kid to bed and that will just be the brides loss if u miss giving her her toast or miss the bridal party dance...

That is absolutely crazy! Wow. I have never heard of that. Unbelievable! I have heard it all now:) Is she a bridezilla or what?

For a child to be allowed at the wedding and in the ceremony (where you could hear a pin drop) but not at the reception (where everyone is talking and drinking) makes NO sense to me. Sorry to say but it sounds like your friend is starting some drama. I would pull your daughter out of the wedding all together and have someone babysit her at home. This way you can be focused on your friend which is what she wants and needs and have date night with your hubby.

a

You've had so many responses! The daughter of one of my friends made these sort of arrangements at her wedding too. She didn't just hire a babysitter. She hired experienced people who lavishly entertained the children. They played games, won prizes, ate delicious food, etc. Ask your friend exactly what her child care arrangements are. She has probably hired someone who will be good with your little girl so that you can meet your obligations as matron of honor and groomsman and also have a wonderful time.

Your daughter will be fine while she's cared for by someone your best friend has arranged and paid to care for her. If you've never left her with a babysitter, I understand your concern. But, honestly, she will be just fine. And she will be nearby so you can peak (without her seeing you at first) in on her to relieve your own anxiety.

I would think that since she's your best friend you do trust her. And since she's your best friend you can tell her your concerns without telling her what to do. Just express your worry about leaving your daughter with a stranger or whatever else you're concerned about. Getting upset and making decisions without knowing the details is of no help to anyone, including yourself.