Question About Couples Counseling...

Go. Benefit from it. It matters NOT what anyone else may have to say. It can ONLY be a positive thing, right?

My husband and I have been to so many counselors I've lost count. It's like a hobby for him LOL. He can't get enough therapy, and hops from one to another and another, sometimes dragging me and/or some of the kids into it. I think that as long as when you go, you have specifics to work through and are willing to actually do things to affect change, it's good and healthy. My DH just likes to talk and talk and talk and then doesn't like to actually do "homework" so we revisit the same issues again and again, so avoid that pattern and make sure that you are both clear on what your goals are and are committed to doing the work to achieve them.

It does not make you weak in my opinion. On the contrary, it makes you strong. You are recognizing that you need help and getting it before you reach the point of no return. Lets face it, there are times when we need an oustide/un-biased/non-judgemental point of view. Plus, if your fiance IS depressed, and an outside person recognizes it, he is probably more likely to accept it and get help than if you just tell him you think that is the case. And maybe he isn't depressed, who knows.......

My husband and I have been to counseling probably 3 times during our marriage. By that I mean at 3 different points in our marriage for a few sessions each time. Men and women communicate differently. I could say something to him, and he would not hear what I was saying and vice versa. But that 3rd party (who was a man, and not emotionally invested) could hear me and tell him in a way that he "got it" and vice versa. During the process, I learned ways to communicate better with him so that he could understand what I was trying to get across.

If it worked before, I think it will work again. I do not think this is a huge red flag. You guys might as well be married already, you live together, share your expenses, your trials, your love, your children. There are times when you will need outside help to get over the hurdles in your relationship. You will come out on the other side stronger. Then in the future, you will be able to help other people in your position, and give them encouragement. If you are comfortable with who you saw last time, I would try to get with them again. They would know the history and be able to help you out.

I wish you all the best ~ Janine

I can't say enough good things for couples counseling...My DH and I still check in every few months with our counselor to just make sure we are on the same track especially now that we have three kids and both of us work fulltime....Please go and while you may need more than one session once you feel you're doing ok...go back every once in awhile just to checkin. Our communication with one another has gone so much better and love my DH more today then when I married him several years ago. If you SO is open to it jump at the chance...Best wishes!

Hi R.,
My husband and I went through the exact same thing! We got married in June of last year, but before we were on very shakey ground. We went to couples counseling for about 2 months and found that our problems with communication, etc. were improving with every session. We felt pathetic at times going to counseling even before we were married and our therapist said, " Wouldn't you rather iron out the problems now then to drag them into your new life together?" So true. Now, I will say, our issues weren't totally fixed before the wedding and it scared me to think we would slip back into our old patterns after the wedding and if marrying before these were solved would hurt/ end our marriage someday. We have now been married for a little over 7 months and things have been going well although I can tell you we could really benefit from going to see our therapist again but since my husband has started a new job, his insurance benefits don't kick in until 3 months, which leaves us hanging until then. We are both stubborn headed people who have a hard time backing down in a fight. This has caused many stresses throughout our relationship before and after marriage. We aren't perfect by any means, but we know we are perfect for each other and if you want to make this work, you can and you will! I don't think you will become dependant on therapy unless you two don't take in all that therapy has to teach and if you fail to use the "tools" you are given from your therapist, you may always feel the need to return. I believe you will be just fine as long as you both make your relationship a top priority. You are not weak and no relationship is perfect and neither is mine. Weakeness to me is those couples who are struggling and don't want to seek help. If both of you are willing to go, which it sounds like this hasn't been a problem, embrace it and be thankful that you have a man who is willing to go and let me tell you, there are many men who refuse to go to a therapist because it means they have to open up and be vulnerable. I wish you two the very best and I hope this helps!

we hit a rough spot at the traditional 7 years in. went to a counselor once, did what she told us to do, and at our next appointment she pronounced us 'cured' and not to come back.
if it hadn't kicked in so well, we'd have gone back.
for some it's a continuous thing, just a little feedback to keep it all on track. others can go as much as they want but it won't fix underlying incompatibilities.
it certainly doesn't indicate weakness. i think it shows commitment and a willingness to work through issues.
if the wedding is causing stress, it really wouldn't hurt to back it up until at least a few of your stressors are resolved. you two are already committed to each other, your wedding is more of a celebration than a statement of commitment.
khairete
S.

Hi R..
My husband and I are currentely in counseling. I applaud you and your fiance for having the courage to bring your relationship to a higher level. I think as long as the counseling does not replace open honest communication between the two of you on a normal basis -- but rather enhances it -- I would not be concerned.
Good Luck. and CONGRATULATIONS.
Jilly

My husband and I went to counseling for the first time less than a year after our marriage. We've gone an additional 2 times over the next 10 years, as different stressors in our lives meant we needed the added support. We are now married 27 years and happy - doesn't mean we don't fight and sometimes badly, but we always work things out.

FYI, I am a marriage therapist, and I often encourage my clients to take time off when they feel things are resolved and then come back to work on different issues in the future. It means the couple is committed to the relationship and know when to get help - just like seeing a dr, or fixing your house!

I had a friend a few years back that was doing couples counseling prior to marriage. Her friends and family gave her a hard time saying "if you are going to counseling BEFORE marriage what's the point you are obviously mismatched!" I told her you go for you for him for the future. People have hard times just becasue they don't know how to communicate. Once an outside person is involved and can help you really talk to eachother, your bond is stronger going in to the marriage. How many married people wished they had done that prior to marriage? Tons it would save a lot of heartache and for some it would tell them NOT to get married. Counseling is a commitment. That is already a huge step in the right direction in committing to eachother. Weak? No. Smart, strong and realistic...yes.

Not sticking your head in the sand and admitting you are human and not perfect is NOT a bad thing! Go forward with counseling - it's a safe place to air your feelings and get some advice - nothing to be ashamed of!!!! The people who live quiet, miserable lives should be ashamed, not you.

couples counseling might sound like a good ideal, but the fact is that if you were both on the same page to begin with, you probably wouldnt need counseling. marring a guy doesnt change the way that he is, if he cant or wont share the load.
K. h.

I'm not in a relationship now, but was in couples counseling twice (2 different counselors) with my ex. The first time was just a few sessions, our relationship improved, we stopped going. The second time we went for several months, and intended to keep going, but something happened once we were doing better and back on track... we just forgot why we had wanted to go even in good times, and yes, we stopped going again. I think that was a horribnle mistake. If I were to do it all over again, we would always go... just go once a month as a wellness check or to discuss anything we didn't handle well in the past month. The main problem I see with just going when things are bad is you pick up lingo, little exercises from the counselor, and then there you are back at home in an argument and you or he are bringing up the lingo and "hey let's try (this) communication exercise" and suddenly you or he are acting like you're professionals. I admit I cannot do it all alone and I don't have all the answers or all the tools. This alone means having a professional help regularly with the most important part of my life is no longer optional.

One post said counseling might sound good, but if you were on the same page to begin with you wouldn't need counseling. I'm not sure what that person was trying to say, honestly. It doesn't sound like you're trying to change your man, it sounds like you want to make sure you have good communication. I don't see how that's a bad thing, and a good counselor will be able to understand where you're coming from and ask questions and help you make sure you're on the same page. Using "pages", try to think of it like this: two people come together in a relationship. They each have chapters already written. These chapters include their home life growing up, their educations, desires, needs, etc. Now, they are thinking they want the same ending to their story. They want to be in each other's story and have each other in their story. The problem is that each book is still written from the writer's perspective, and because of the way the first few chapters are, you have different perspectives. Making sure you understand each other's perspective only helps the chapters when you're together line up better. It doesn't mean you shouldn't get married, and wanting to make sure the later chapters line up is actually good divorce-protection if you think about it. If you see red flags in other areas, then bring those up, but desiring to understand each other more and be closer together is never a bad thing. Counselors are trained to help couples do that. Another way to think about it is this, using myself as an example: I have hypothyroidism. Well, since I was diagnosed, I go every year for an annual checkup which tests my TSH levels, my cholesterol, blood pressure, etc-everything that is impacted. I talk to my Dr. about what I need to do for the next year. It helps me to understand what is going on in my body so that my health continues to get better. Now, with my daily pills, I feel wonderful. Does that mean I shouldn't go to the Dr. next month, even though it's time for my checkup? I feel great-isn't that enough? No, for me, it's not. I know I've had problems in the past, and I know I need to take care of them or else they'll get worse. Even if I could guess that my levels are the same, it's better to go to someone qualified to test my levels and properly interpret the results to help me stay healthy. I'm not weak because I want to do that. It's actually pretty responsible. If you have a concern at all, it's responsible, and like others said, shows strength to make sure any issues are taken care of. And I'm not sure about becoming dependant on it. What is bad about going back, maybe once a year? Like I mentioned before-it sounds like good divorce-protection to me. Making sure you're still on the same page is not a bad thing, and again, counselors are trained to help with this. Sometimes you may just find you are on the same page, and sometimes you may find there needs to be more communication or something similar, but so what? And who cares if you need to do this every so often? To me that sounds much better than saying, "Oh, we're fine" when you're not. And it shows that you're willing and committed to working on the relationship over time, while still acknowledging that you're different people. I promise that's not a bad thing! Please don't let others make you feel like it is.

My hubby and I actually haven't done counseling, but I'm going to school for counseling, so I know the things counselors have to learn, and I know my hubby and I have done a LOT of work on communication. It's still something we revisit probably every 3 months just to make sure we're on the same page. It really is important, and it has helped us so much.

We went to marriage counseling and I loved it. My husband, who is now my x, was very against it because it brought out the very negative things he was doing to bring down the marriage. It is always good to know yourself and your spouse. I read many self-help books for this reason. It is very important to love yourself before you will fully love anyone else. I was talking to my friend the other day and she said that her and her husband have a special word that they use to stop an argument if they are starting to hurt each other's feelings. I told her that would be a great thing to include in a couples counseling session. I don't think seeking advice or help can make anyone weak! We all need help once in a while. I think getting a divorce is not the best option but sometimes it is the only option and if you can avoid it then that is a good thing. Counselors can help you dig deep inside and feel wonderful about yourself. If you get a good counselor they can point out ways for you to become an independent couple.