For Those That Have Gone Through Counseling, Separation, or Divorce

Love is a choice and you can learn to love him again. It may not be all the feelings you expect like in movies and books but you can work on areas that he needs to work and you do the same and you can learn to love him. It'll take work and I have not been through it but I have seen others separate even for a few years, unusual, and get back together. I would not give up with children and a man that loves you unconditionally.

Different doesn't necessarily equate with "non compatible". Different does mean that you will need to work harder to find common ground and to meet eachothers needs. He loves you unconditionally and works hard to support your family. In my book, that's worth fighting for.

I have not been divorced, but worked in private practice before entering the public school system. I have seen couples enter counseling who barely speak outside of "business items" (let alone have sex) who find ways to reconnect and communicate without antagonizing eachother. I have also had couples come to me with "minor issues", but they simply can't work through them as a team.

I would advocate for counseling in your case, as I do not believe that you are checked-out of this marriage at all. You are distant because you have changed, which is understandable. You got married at 20, which is very young. Statistically, your marriage is "doomed"... however. Statistics mean nothing to the individual! Put your efforts into your marriage for a good period of time and see what happens. You may find that you enjoy his company more than you realize, if you give him a chance.

Most people regret their divorce (even those in terrible marriages) at one time or another because the long-term ramifications roll-out slowly.

**Even happily married couples enjoy a few days alone with the kids! My husband goes away annually with a few buddies to the mountains for a long weekend and I love it! I get to do what "I want" for three whole days without someone else's opinion! Don't use that as a benchmark. I know very few single parents who aren't overly stressed by the demands of raising a child on his/her own.*

*Remember too that a therapist does not "fix" your problems. He or she will make observations and suggestions. Sometimes the outcome is a reconnected marriage and sometimes and therapist will counsel you into an amicable separation. Either way, give it a try.*

sending hugs your way too!

our situation was a little different, but much the same. we were so distant and resentful that i was sure he was done. i absolutely knew in my heart it was over. i had set a date to leave. i finally set him down and looked him in the eye and told him, either we see someone together, or it's over. he surprised me by saying "okay. anything you want." i had no idea he gave even a half a sh** anymore, much less two :)

sooo. we talked to a pastor. i think that was key because neither of us would keep a giant chip on our shoulder in a church in front of a man of god. so we checked our attitudes at the door, and once we did that, it was simple. he asked us about our background, about when we met, and took us back to what it was like. he would have asked if we still love each other, he said, but it was obvious we did. and he was right.

once we revealed that to each other, it was a LOT easier. in my case, he was angry, harsh with our son, selfish, etc. i refused to let it go on. i told him either something had to change or our marriage was over, because i wasn't going to raise our son like that. anyway. we reconnected. he really LISTENED, and realized how it hurt me (and our son) when he was like that. he truly made great effort to change. and he has. a ton.

once you can acknowledge to each other that you do love and care about each other (in whatever way), you might be surprised how easily the reconnection comes. once you realize how much you mean to him (and vice versa) you'll both be a lot more willing to do the work. i know it seems too much right now, but isn't it worth a shot? of course we all change and grow. that doesn't mean you end a marriage. get some help. put honest effort into it and promise yourself (and him) to REALLY make an effort. see what happens. hang in there!

We've been through way worse. The counseling we received focused on one thing, Love is an action. I used to feel the way you feel, until I stopped expecting the marriage to make me happy and realized it was up to me and him to make a happy marriage. It's like a living breathing member of the family, and if it's ignored and not nurtured, it will die.

It sounds like you have a really good guy and you are now out of the Honeymoon stage. With little kids, it's hard to remember to focus on the marriage. I know you said he's not social, but you need to spend time alone with him regularly and work on the marriage. Find something you both like to do, or pick up a new hobby, and do it once a week. You don't have to leave the house. My husband and I would often have date nights in the living room after the kids were in bed.

We've had really hard times that almost broke us up, stuff that would have broken up many marriages here (at least, that's if people really mean what they say about certain things being "deal breakers"). But we have four children, and that was enough to force us to plow forward.

Marriage is work. It's sad you don't have more support from your family. The part about not feeling attracted to him, well, we all go through that. Keep talking to him about it, it sounds like he is at least willing to listen to your concerns and work on being a better husband and father. And it sounds like, although you are frustrated and confused, you are willing to work on this to achieve a good outcome. Sometimes in a marriage, you just have to wait out the bad times. Nothing you've said here makes me think you guys can't make it work. We all change, we all grow, we all adapt.

And you are burnt out. I was an assistant teacher for two years when my kids were young. That doesn't even compare to the work you do as a nurse, but I bring it up because I remember how awful things got for us during that time. It was a time I felt totally uncared for, and totally burnt out at the end of the day, and I was just teaching! You take care of sick people! When do you take care of you? When do you take care of your husband?

You said one key thing...He's your "best friend". STAY. Work through the issues you have now. Many couples never feel that in their relationships.

You are bored, you don't feel that he's exciting enough. You have 2 small children & work; that takes a lot of energy! Maybe you should find other mom friends outside of home to spend time with. That way you get the fun time you want on occasion with or without the kids (he hunts while you stay home & he stays home so you can have time out).

I've been there, feeling that my spouse wasn't what I wanted anymore, but the reality was that I was tired, felt over-worked & wanted adult time more often. I wasn't happy with myself, more than I was unhappy with his moods & changes because I wasn't fulfilling my own dream & happiness.
I greatly regretted my divorce because of what my kids went through. I would never consider divorce under the circumstances you described, relationships have there down times, life is not & cannot always be about what we want & excitement.
I am now remarried & a custodial stepmom of 2, as well as a pregnant mom to 3 of my own. Fun time for my husband & I, especially alone, is rare & we have been through some serious stress together, but I'm happy to say that I haven't made the same mistakes I made in my first marriage.
I am married to my best friend (and occasionally bored).

Having been married more than once, I can say that yes, marriage counseling does work, but only if both parties are committed to changing. M

My ex-husband thought that all of the problems were mine. He was interested in going to counseling so 'he could know how to handle me'. He was not interested in changing and growing as a person to better the relationship. That's okay, and I'm in a much better place.

My husband now, we started going to counseling together about four years or so before we got married. (We were the atypical super-committed couple who just didn't want to get married...until we did, and then we did.) We both knew from our previous marriages that this commitment to being a couple is work. It takes a lot of hard work and willingness to A. see the other person's perspective (even when you don't agree with it) and B. make the necessary behavioral changes in both how we act toward each other, but also in how we perceive things and interpret the actions of the other.

For what it's worth, I often find that when my husband is gone for a few days with just myself and Kiddo at home, it is easier. Not because there's a problem with my husband, either. (although I do think that it's common for the stay-at-home parent to feel like they 'grease the wheels' between that working parent and the kids). Things are just similar when I can make my choices about the day without having to negotiate another person's preferences or needs.

Along with the counseling, ask the counselor about a parenting class or program you and your husband could take together. Love and Logic might be attractive to both of you, as it isn't extreme and does put parents in an authoritative role with their kids, which is exactly what children need. Being on the same page in parenting and being each other's allies will really help.

I hope things work out best for you and your family.

I think if both partners believe the counselor's opinions are valid, marriage counseling can be very helpful. Counselors can point out things we may have not realized we were doing and they can suggest constructive alternatives to how the couple has been working together. They can assist in the problem solving process. If the counselor doesn't have enough experience in the couple's particular problems, though, it is like spinning wheels. Find a counselor who #1 takes good notes so you don't spend half an hour rehashing the same points from the last session and #2 makes a plan with you.
I think you have to ask yourself why you might want a trial separation. If it is to escape a problem rather than find a solution to it, then you probably should think it through more. I have known 2 couples who divorced and later remarried (same partners each time). One marriage is stronger than ever, the other you can tell she is still struggling. Personally, I think my own separation was a great idea. There were many things I didn't recognize until we were separated. Many things I couldn't see while I was in the middle of the strife became clearer when there was space between our contacts with eachother. Above all, keep in mind what your children need. Good luck and God bless!

Nobody tells you what it is really like to become a parent. It can be like a tsunami on that couple you used to be... You sound so, so tired. And a little bored. Is it possible that this smart, hard working guy who loves you unconditionally is equally worn out (and bored?) and thus the yelling and frustration? Parenting is exhausting. And you're both working... What you're feeling is totally normal. Rather than questioning the marriage, is it possible to focus on ways to reconnect? Spice it up? To really LISTEN to each other? I bet he's feeling as run down as you are, and misses you, but doesn't know how to connect (and therefore the frustration?). I don't get the sense that he is the cause of your lack of interest, more that you could both use some downtime, together, and make some changes to ease the stress and find some more fun in your lives. It takes work and time, but connections can be rebuilt.

Maybe ask your 90 year old self - does she want this flawed, yet intelligent, loving father of your children as her partner?

All in all, it sounds like you have a lot worth working on.

The only advise I will give you is don't try for him. Try for YOU.

Though I don't regret my children or the life I have now, I regret my divorce and probably always will.

Don't give up without a fight.

JMO.

it sounds like you are a stay at home mom. (i may be wrong) you should really add in that value to your husand too. the ability to provide for you because when you are working full time and they are in daycare until 6pm each day and you have no time to actually enjoy them , so you can be divorced you're going to look back on that time and wish you cherished it more.

I say that being divorced actually, but if my issues were we J. drifted apart and my ex was willing to work I'd give it a shot.
The ability to fall in love with eachother comes from within. go on dates and reconnect. talk and see if he;s willing to try more things.
Watering patchy grass is a whole lot easier than starting from rocks and dirt.

ETA I take back the work part then=) it's still going to be a whole lot harded to split time, holidays and so on....if its possible to get the love back i'd do it. if not end it mutually and peacefully ..we used therapy to end things rather than continue

Divorce will profoundly effect your children for the rest of their lives. I dont know anyone who divorced for reasons that were not severe problems. I believe divorce is sometimes the answer, but when children are involved, I believe we should all say we tried our very best to fix the marriage.

I have felt what it seems like you are describing. So here's a hug because it stinks.

I"m wondering what your counselor is saying to you? I might continue a bit on my own and really pin point your issues, is it just your hubby, is it the energy drain of being a mom of young ones? What happened in your life for you to have changed so much?

Its' hard because i think marriages go through ups and downs and whileyou deserve to be happy, I don't think having to continiue to deal wtih him for the rest of your life for your kids sake is really going to make you happy. just because he isn't in the same house doesn't mean you wouldn't still be dealing with him for custody and at christmas when decidingwho would get the kdis what, showing up at recitals etc etc,

Hang in there an really use your head to make a smart decision, which ever that might be.

I think if he's willing to try you have to go into counseling with a whole heart. This will tear your children a new one. They cannot be made to deal with a divorce just because you're to tired to work in counseling.

It truly sounds like you need some antidepressants. Meds can be a great assistance when someone is just feeling down due to external things, it's not likely to be a biological issue but could simply be something you need a boost to get the energy to feel better and work on some stuff. Not long term.

people who are in mourning can benefit from some short term antidepressants until they are comfortable enough to deal with the deep seated issues and the passing. This is how meds work in your case. You get up, get stable, get feeling really positive, then you open all the wounds and boo boo's for cleaning out so you are free to start from fresh without all the sorrow and pain associated with all that.

You seriously do not want to do this to your boys just because dad's not that interesting any more.