Problem with Daughter Not Wanting to Play with Aggressive Friend

Hi A.,
That's really tough! It's good to teach your daughter to work out issues on her own, but it sounds like this other girl's mom does not give her boundaries. This might be too much for a daughter your child's age to handle. Perhaps you can problem solve with her, at least to the extent a 2.5 yo can do that. Her solution is not to go. Note her idea as a valid idea (even write down the options so she knows you're hearing her even though she won't be able to read it -- this helps to open her up to your ideas) and then add some of your own. Perhaps she can learn to tell the girl, "I don't like it when you [insert offending behavior], and I do not want to play with you if you are going to do that." Then your daughter needs to go play with someone else. She can learn that she does not have to play with someone who is really behaving badly and that she can choose to play with nice kids. Yes, everyone has irritating habits, bad moments, etc., but I also think it's not a good lesson for her to learn that she has to put up with someone who is truly aggressive. Now this is me and probably wrong, but when my son was that age, I would have said something to the other child myself if speaking to the parent was not an option. Just something like, "It's not okay to take toys away from the other kids while they are playing. Maybe if you are able to take turns, you can play with this toy with the other girls." Then you could give Jane other options -- e.g., "If you're not able to take turns, you can play on the slide or the swings." Have you spoken to the other moms in the group? Yes, it sounds like ganging up (and I guess it is), but if this other mom refuses to consider that her child needs to modify her behavior, she is ruining it for the rest of you. If she's overwhelmed with her baby, perhaps you can all come to an agreement on group rules, tell the kids what they are, and allow any mom to enforce these rules, no matter whose kid it is. We have lots of kids on our block, and that's our rule and it works really well. However, w/ my neighbors, the parents deal with their own kids if they see what's going on. It's when the other parent isn't outside or is otherwise engaged that someone else will step in. I think your instinct to let your daughter work out issues w/ her friends on her own are excellent, and it sounds like she is developing great skills in that area. At the same time, asking a 2.5 year-old to work something out with a child whose mother sees no problem with her bad behavior may be too much. And depending on how bad Jane's behavior is, I would be concerned about inadvertently teaching your child that, if someone is treating her inappropriately, you would not take her seriously. This is a tough line to walk, but with no parent or teacher working with Jane to understand and modify her behavior, personally, I would intervene.

Have you spoken with any of the other Moms? They may be feeling the same way. Since Jane's Mom is too overwhelmed by the new baby to deal with Jane's behavior, maybe you other Moms can pay some extra attention to her in a positive way and also help her control her behavior. Her Mom might be relieved. If the rest of you are on the same page, you could try presenting the toy snatching issue in a general way, maybe having one of the other Moms bring it up and suggest the group should handle toy sharing (the flip side of toy grabbing) in a way that will work better. Sharing is hard at 2.5, but I bed you can work it out with that great group of yours.

She's got to be very aware of how overwhelmed her mother is with the new baby and probably isn't getting a lot of mommie attention. That said, if she doesn't get help handling her emotions and behavior, she's going to find that other kids won't want to play with her.

Good luck!

Is there a way to still go to the play group and just tell your daughter not to play with "Jane"? Maybe when they get into a conflict, you can sit down with both of them and have your daughter tell "Jane" herself that she doesn't like it when "Jane" hits her or when "Jane" snatches the toys from her and tell "Jane" if she keeps doing it, she won't play with her anymore. "Jane" may change her behaviour if it starts to cost her friends. Also, I wonder if "Jane" is acting out because her mother is so overwhelmed with the baby that she's not getting enough attention. Maybe some attention by you on "Jane" might also help.

Hi A.,

I'm sure you've been considering lots of options to dealing with aggression. It could be anyone's child, and it's developmentally to be expected. Leaving the Mom & child out would be the absolute last option. Ever try using a TIMER? If there's one unique toy that everyone wants a turn with, the children will enjoy the aspect of the timer. Perhaps they'll even soon get to the point of refereeing themselves. The idea about meeting as a group about groundrules for happy harmonious play sounded great, too. Since your child has the concept of taking turns down already, she may be interested in the role of helping teach the other child. "We take turns so we all have fun and we include everyone." ...from a Barney song. We can work it out! :)

A.,
Hi. I think there is a fine line between disciplining another person's child and instilling good behaviour in general. If you are able to say "girls, we don't hit" or "girls, we have to share. take turns. jane, you go first..." I think you are not overstepping your boundaries. You have to find a way to include your daughter in the discipline that makes it more generalistic and won't put the other (oblivious) mother on the defense. Her child really needs this and if she isn't getting from her mother...and it is affecting your child in a negative way, you have a responsibility to take care of your child. If the other mother gets upset, you should simply say that the girls were having trouble sharing and you were trying to teach them the correct manners (or something like that).
I hope this helps!
Best,
S.

I also sugggest you feel out the other moms & their opinions of Jane. I like the idea of setting playgroup rules. All of you, including Jane's mom, sit down & discuss this. Maybe a blanket comment like, 'the kids are getting to that age where it might be a good idea to set up some boundries & rules for them' & go from there. Don't name any one child in particular. Also bring up discipline & maybe start it off by saying that you're OK w/another mom stepping in to referee if your child is having a problem sharing or being nice & see if all moms are OK w/this, as well. I also want to caution that you can't 'fix' every problem for kids. At this age, you all could spend the whole play time referee-ing & not get a chance to talk w/each other & get the adult support/stimulation that you want from the group. There will some things that the kids will just have to work out on their own. I found that when my first son was little, I wanted to fix it all for him when he was arguing w/his pals but then realized, if the kids dealt w/the problem, it was resolved much faster than when an adult stepped in. This might be a bit drastic but you & the other moms (who agree w/you about Jane) might want to put a time line on seeing a change in Jane's behavior & for her mom to be better adjusted to the new baby. If things don't change for the better, some of you might want to consider meeting w/o Jane & her mom. This will kinda be a natural occurrance anyway. As the kids age, they will probably find one or two kids they connect w/& that you start meeting up w/outside of the group. Hope this helps & good luck!

I don't really understand why you want your daughter to play with what you describe as an aggressive child. You did not point out any qualities about "Jane" that would make it worth your daughter to "work through" this difficult relationship. What is it that you are trying to teach her? THat one must put up with aggressive people? I would say your daughter is showing more insight than many adults would. Have you consider that you maybe having a difficult time letting go of the group yourself and is, therefore, expecting your child to "work through" this situation for your own benefit?