My 2.5 Yr Old Niece Is Bossy/not Sharing with My Infant. How to Deal?

The tone of your question tells me you are not that fond of your niece... "first grandchild", bossy, unkind, husband's side" "this wouldn't happen on your side??" and you have a very content child who does no wrong.

Your niece is a typical 2.5 yr old who is learning about behavior and boundaries and your sweet baby will likely go through a similar stage at that age.

You model behavior you want, be consistent with instruction for good behavior and discipline.

You couldn't pay me to go on vacation with a large group of people. There is always drama from something when you put people together with different personalities and dealing with parenting.

how to deal with the toddler or how to deal with her parents? I'm not clear on where your frustration lies.

You can mention to her parents that they need to step in if you feel they aren't enough. Or you can just say "Lucy was playing with these toys.." or "How about you play over here for a while - she's just little and you need to use gentle hands around baby" and stuff like that. Say it loud enough for mom and dad to hear. Just keep repeating it.

Pick up your baby and move her to a quiet area if needs be.

I had to do this all the time when my kids had their friends over or neighbor kids came by, and were rough with my younger ones. Often they wanted to play with what the baby had, or the baby swing, etc. and I had to step in. Or we'd have my friends over with their kids, and they'd be rough with the baby. Moms didn't always say something so I had to.

Just be kind to the child, because they don't know. Say "Oh, gentle hands Annie..." Or "Remember, babies are very small ... they don't like to be hit". That kind of thing.

I would avoid week long trips myself in future. That can be hard on the head (and nerves).

This is so annoying. It’s also so typical. Your niece does not understand that a baby doesn’t understand language. She may be used to having all the attention and toys (if that’s what you mean by emphasizing that she was the first grandchild), and she may not know why people are fussing over a baby.

Let me suggest that you print out your question, and file it in your child’s memory book or someplace else where you’ll rediscover it in a year or 2. You will be in exactly the same situation, with a child in the terrible twos. Remind yourself that young children are self-centered – that’s not an insult. It’s just reality. They want everything – which is why we have childproofing items like outlet covers, staircase gates and cabinet locks. It’s why we hold their hands instead of just telling them, “Don’t go in the street.” In fact, when they are 3 and go to preschool, this is exactly the sort of behavior that teachers work on – sharing items, moving from an individual kid’s desired activity to the designated class activity, learning to negotiate their own space without yelling or hitting, and how to separate themselves from Mommy and Daddy and listen to another caretaker. So your niece is 2.5 and she doesn’t yet know how to do any of this. Your child won’t either, and you’ll have to wait for a certain amount of emotional development before you can expect it.

So, how to handle things in the short run? Your best bet it to ask your SIL and BIL what words/phrases they use to “police” their child, such as “We don’t yell” or “Inside voice, please.” And absolutely say “No hitting” and “No kicking.” Learn to anticipate it and get in between her and your child. Read up on how to redirect a toddler.You can also say, “She’s a baby and she is not going to do what you want. Let’s go play with big kid toys,” or even “If you want to play with her toys, you can ask me. And you can trade one of your toys with her.” (Then make sure it’s a baby-safe toy, of course.) When you point out to the toddler that her techniques don’t work, over time, she’ll learn. They don’t have to understand the reason, so don’t bother explaining hat she’s hurting or annoying anyone – she doesn’t get it, and she’s not old enough to care. Kids don’t have empathy yet – they only know when their actions cause more problems for themselves. So work with that.

I think it’s okay to not protect your child from every bossy older kid – she’s going to face it her whole life. We can’t mow down every obstacle in their lives. However, if your niece is just impossible by anyone’s standards, you can pack up your child and her toys, and move her to a quieter or safer room. That can be very effective if done a few times, so a toddler learns that her behavior results in isolation. You’ll be doing this yourself when your currently-contented child becomes a “three-nager” with all the joyful behaviors of a teenager, complaining when things don’t go her way. Don’t do it in a huff, just in a matter-of-fact way, since there’s no nice way to say to your in-laws, “Your child is a meanie.”

I think you and your husband might want to rethink your vacation plans. If you don’t like his family (and it seems you do not, since you point out it’s them and not your calm child causing the problem), start doing family vacations or stay-cations. If you are committed to this weeklong vacation this year, then I’d invest in a pack-n-play or one of those folding fence things that creates an instant pop-up infant play space that people use at the beach or even to keep their puppies contained in an area of the kitchen. Baby toys and your child go inside, niece and her toys have the run of the house. Easy.

i guess i'm not sure why this is an issue. toddlers don't share well and are bossy. they're also sometimes physically aggressive.

you deal by being patient with her but protecting your baby. that means that if she's actually winding up to touch the baby you stop her. if she yells at the baby you tell her to quit it and remove the baby. if she's not sharing- well, neither one of these kids is developmentally geared to share yet. adjust your expectations.

you're the adult in the room. i'm sorry you're not 'comfortable' being alone with two small children, but you're just going to have be a little uncomfortable.

rule 1. keep your baby safe.
rule 2. don't expect a 2 year old to act like an adult.
rule 3. enjoy both children, and if you are incapable of that, take yours and remove yourself from the situation.

khairete
S.

"think this is normal" - it *is* normal, your neice is a two-year-old! She is acting her age. Maybe you've never spent time around a two-year-old before, since she is the "first grandchild". She is acting her age.

If you are waiting for the two-year-old to act like an angelic junior babysitter, don't hold your breath.

Keep the two little ones separate. Separate play, separate naps, etc.

ETA: To your added point "the mom is not always watching" - haha, look at that, what a way to let your brother off the hook! Does your brother have a head on his shoulders to watch and listen? Ask him to be a good brother to you and a good father to his daughter!

2 1/2 yr olds don't play well with others.
It's the nature of the age/stage.
It's not till they are closer to 4 or 5 years old when they start playing cooperatively with playmates.
And when the 2 yr old is 4 then your child will be toddler age and not ready to play much with her slightly older cousin until she's a bit older.
So yeah - your infant and your niece should not be playing together without a lot of supervision.
Really your baby doesn't need to be playing with anyone right now.
It's not your kids job to be entertainment for the 2.5 yr old.
If your SIL is using you and your child as baby sitting for her kid - just stop doing that.
You take your baby for an outing away from the crowd - go take a walk/hike, look at shops, etc and let SIL entertain her own kid.

Once people start having kids - it's more common for family groups (parents and their own kids) to start having their own vacations - family reunions where aunts/uncles etc all get together become once or twice per year or sometimes once every few years.
I'm really hoping you start staying in your own home for Christmas and other major holidays - big meetups with extended family starts getting to be a logistical nightmare.

Since you have a week extended family vacation planned - simply don't allow the kids to spend a lot of time together and when they are together you are sitting on the floor right there with them to referee.
When the toddler starts acting like a toddler - play time is over!
Change the dynamic - don't follow the usual script of how things typically work with this extended family group.
You are a mama now - learn to steer when it comes to your own kid(s).
If others don't like it - bummer but your child is your business - your niece is not your problem.

Additional:
Of course you love your niece - she's not a bad kid - she's just being 2 and the terrible 2's and 3's are a tough few years for anyone to handle.
It really does sound like SIL is using you as baby sitting.
SIL gets a 'vacation' and you get double kid duty - which is not much of a vacation for you.
You won't be left alone with both kids if you and your baby go off to do your own thing.
There are other adults also on vacation - any one of them can watch the toddler as well as you can.
In fact while you are taking care of your infant - others are in a better position to play with the toddler.
You need to gracefully extricate yourself from being the child watcher for the whole family group.

If this trip will not be fun for you - you and your baby could stay home while hubby goes to see his family.
I'm sure the adults will keep the toddler amused while you and your baby enjoy some quiet time not dealing with the chaos.

I would absolutely stop the toddler when she hits or kicks, get down to her level, take her hands in yours and look her in the eye and say very firmly, we do not hit each other, we use our words when we want something. And then I would redirect her to another location. So if this is happening in the back yard she needs to go back into the house for example. This is exactly how they do it in preschool, and I always took that lead and followed it at home.
I would also not expect your baby and her toddler cousin to play together or even share at all. They are at two completely different ages and stages so expecting them to "get along" is unrealistic. Keep the baby busy with baby activities and make sure the toddler has her own toys and things to do that are NOT for the baby, like play doh, finger paints, tricycle, stuff like that.

Distract her. Get her interested in a toy your daughter is not playing with, or get her interested in something else in the room.

You could pick her up and/or play with her. Your daughter will be ok if you engage with her cousin, also. If you have to tell her, "No hitting," you can try calmly saying, "We don't hit. Nice touch. Gentle. Good." You're helping to teach her and direct her in ways that are safe an appropriate. Try not to think that means you are acting like her parent or overstepping your bounds as aunt. As the adult in the room, you are simply protecting your daughter and helping your niece to grow.

You already know this is developmentally normal, so I'm sure you also realize that this is going to happen know matter where you are and is likely to happen each time you visit, at least for awhile. It's going to take time for her to learn and to develop past this stage.

There is not reason for anyone to doubt that you love your niece. There are just times when it's not as easy for cousins who are at different ages. It does get easier! My kids are 10 & 12, and my brother's are 10 & 12. They have been great together for years!

That is totally normal, even among siblings. During the toddler years, kids do what's called Parallel Play - they don't know how to share yet, and that comes with maturity and further brain development. Grab a book on the psychological development of children, it sounds like you guys are expecting too much too soon from your kids.

welcome to mamapedia, A.!

Now how old is your "infant"? If she is 6 months old? Kinda hard to boss her around. If she is kicking your child? You need to record it and show the mother and father.

When your niece starts kicking your child? You tell your niece in a STRONG, Authoritative voice that hitting and kicking is NOT allowed nor NICE. She will STOP that this instant.

The toddler is going to learn the hard way about life and her little temper tantrums to get her way. It won't go over well with others.

As to vacation? You need to ensure your niece is under the watchful eye of her parents. If she's not? then you need to keep your child away from her.

Good luck!

Well, some kids have a harder time with sharing. Most 2 year olds are terrible at it. Not all but most. Being bad at sharing and being bossy at age 2.5 is very normal. My son was awful at sharing...he finally got better at it in Kindergarten because the other kids stopped wanting to play with him and he learned to change. Yes, I made him share over and over and over. My daughter naturally wanted to share...she would just give away what she had to whoever wanted it. She's still very giving. Anyway, my advice to you is you are being too harsh to your niece. She's little. She will get better. Help her to learn. Little kids are all works in progress. Be gentle. Redirect her when you can. My 2 nephews are close in age to my son and they were little hellions when they were young. We would have a family get together and inevitably my son would get hurt. Their words were not kind. They would push. They would not listen to adults. It was really frustrating. I know you are worried about your kid learning bad behavior from her cousin, but what you teach at home is what is really going to stick in the long run. Anyway, the ending of my story here is my nephews are now both in high school and they are both the most wonderful, mature boys. They are kind and thoughtful and they are great with younger kids. They just had a lot of maturing to do! Try not to be too judgemental of your niece. She is learning.You can be a good auntie and help her when you can. Good luck.

Try to look at this as an opportunity to help your niece learn a few important things. If she grabs a toy, you step in and remind her gently, “remember, it’s not nice to grab her toy, if you ask, maybe she will give it to you.” Try to help your baby give it to her, so that your niece learns that asking works. Teach your niece how to offer a trade by giving your baby something else and then asking for the item she wants.

In the moment of hitting, of course you have to step in and keep your baby safe, either by removing her or gently picking up your niece, “I’m sorry, you can’t hit the baby, if you want something you have to ask.” It would be best to figure out the reason for the hitting, like is it always the niece just wanting what the baby has? I’m a little confused about the circumstances because you say this happens at family events, but it also sounds like you are with the two of them more often than other adults. Why is that? Could your niece be jealous of the baby because she is getting more attention, or because the baby has her mom present and she doesn’t? Where are other adults during these events?

If it’s just the three of you, make sure that you are giving your niece just as much loving attention as your baby so she doesn’t feel left out. If you don’t want to be playing with both of them, and you are seeing your niece as “bossy” and “not sharing”, even though you seem to know those behaviors are pretty typical, your niece also might be reacting to that. Better to let your niece’s parents know that it’s time for them to join you so that family events can be more relaxing for everyone.