What Is Right Response to Other Toddler Hitting Mine or Other Kids?

Personally, if I saw one child hit another child I would say "it's not nice to hit" - regardless of where we are or who's children are involved. I would not be offended if another mom corrected my child this way either.

I have been guilty of telling other peoples children to knock it off we do not hit here or anywhere. Usually that works , I been told my facial expression says I mean business.

I just can't help myself. I will correct a child if they are hitting, I don't care whose kid it is, if I know them or not, or how old they are. I thought Hillary Clinton was a little off her rocker with the whole "it takes a village" thing...but now I am not so sure! lol
If I see a child hit I will say, "oh no...we don't hit...that's not nice" with a stern mama face. If it happens again, and I know the parent, I will walk the child back to the parent and let them know what happens. If it is at my house I will ALWAYS says something.
I have been at the mall where they have this huge play area and I find myself often telling children not to hit or shaking my head and saying "no no" when I see a child misbehaving. I don't care if another mom gets offended, maybe she should watch her child better! If my boys are acting a fool than I hope that someone would say something to them (they are 5 and 8) and if they continued and I didn't see or say anything, then I would hope they come and find me so I can put them straight.
L.
Mom of 2 boys, sister of 4 brothers, nanny of 3 girls!

It is hard when it isn't your child involved, but I have been at the park or other place and seen kids hit others and the mom wasn't there and I always say something, First, asking the child if they are ok and if they need their mom and second telling the other child hitting hurts, please stop. If the one kid keeps doing it, I go find the mom.
At our co-op preschool, we are taught how to deal with these situations and as other parents aren't always there, you do have to learn how to deal with other's kids. It isn't easy, but it has to be done. Here are some of the things you can say without actually disciplining:
"Hitting can hurt. I am going to move you away when you hit." "Hitting hurts - I can't let you hit her", "When you are ready to play without hurting others, you can come back and be with the kids" or to the child who is being hurt "you do not have to let her/him hurt you, you can move away or say stop."
I had one instance at my daughter's birthday where one child's mom dropped off and her child was being really bad and he was one of the older children. I had no choice but deal with it because he was really making the birthday party not fun for more than one kid and the other moms there. I gave warnings twice and then twice had to do time outs. I told the mom after the party and apologized that I had to do that, but it had to be done. I felt bad, but oh well.
I typically haven't run into this at playdates because the mom's I chose to hang out with are good about watching their kids and we all ok with eachother talking to our kid. I have been around mom's that are not diligent about watching/disciplining their kids, but I rarely go back to those homes. I know not everyone has the same discipline rules, but for the most part I just try to align myself with people who are similiar to us. I guess I am saying if you aren't comfortable with it, then find new people.
If my child is the one being hit (and we have been there), I take her out of the situation or help her find the right words to say.

Yes, I once had the situation where my boss' child who was much younger than mine was hitting my daughter at the weekly dinner of staff and families.
The other girl was used to bossing her older brothers and sister around but my daughter was not susceptible to her tyrannical ways. She hit my daughter repeatedly. Neither of the parents said a word. My daughter complained to me.
I said "Take your hand and place it over hers." She did and gently put the child's hand in her lap. The girl was shocked. She picked her hand up again to hit and my daughter repeated the action.
My boss sat there looking stunned as if he had never seen a gentle method of discipline before.
And, believe it or not the willful little child did not try to hit my daughter ever again.
In your house if you see it coming you can do the same before the girl lands her punch. And, tell her "This may be okay at your house but in mine children do not hit one another."

Heck yes, you say something if the parent doesn't.. Also making sure to do the same to your own child, which I am sure you do..

"We do not hit."
"Only soft and gentle touches,"
"Hitting hurts."
'Susie, hands are kept to ourselves."

If the child still continues, you take Susie to her mother and say, " I think Susie is needing your attention, she can't seem to stop hitting the other children."

Just pick one of the above for each situation..

We had a neighborhood full of kids all about the same ages and these were the words we used.. No body minded, because we all used the same words with our own children..

My son was being hit every day at my gym daycare by a kid whose mom was a namy pamby time out giver and since time outs didn't work, she had the air of "oh well what can you do, my kid hits it's so normal at his age" type thing and would try to chuckle to me about it. My kids were all firmly disciplined for their first attempts at hitting, therefore never started the habit and NEVER thought it was OK, and I didn't appreciate having 2 year olds who already absolutely knew hitting was not allowed getting hit by kids with "more laid back" parents.

You can't discipline other kids. But you can teach your kids that hitting back is OK. I literally coached my kids and practiced with them at around age 2 1/2 in how to yell, "QUIT IT" the moment a kid hits them, and that it's perfectly OK to slug them back HARD if they get hit first. We practiced that too and they thought it was the biggest blast ever. They also know if they see kids hitting other kids they are supposed to run up and yell STOP IT!

This is a lesson I will continue to teach throughout grade school since the bully epidemic is exploding with all the parents letting their toddlers rule the roost and grow up with no boundaries. I always just smile at the mom of the future bully and say "Don't worry, my kids know they can hit back" and if the parent looks incredulous I say, "No, for real, they are allowed to defend themselves, so don't blame me if your kid gets hit."

Soon after my kid defended himself against the tiny gym daycare terror, they were asked to stop coming to the gym, because her kid turned his sights on a different easier victim, and hit and infant with a heavy toy truck and the baby's father lost it knowing the kid had already been hitting mine and the mom never did anything.

I also told my daughter when she was 3 1/2 to say, "get away, you're not nice, don't play with me" to a girl who kept hitting and pushing her at the playground right in front of her mom. I even added, "HIt her if she doesn't stop" to which the mom thought I was out of line. I said, "REALLY, you're thinking I'm out of line for allowing my daughter to defend herself while you're allowing yours to hit mine unprovoked? I don't think so."

Even at birthday parties and stuff with people we know, (my daughter was in an uppety daycare with pretty spoiled kids her first year) I would say, "Beware, my daughter is allowed to hit back" all cheery like when certain kids would start hitting and kicking and their parents sat idly by "asking" them not to do that.

Give your daughter permission to stand up to bullies, it's never too young to start so it becomes natural to her. And yes, if it was ever my child hitting, I would absolutely never let it slide, so I don't feel bad not having sympathy for these people looking the other way and allowing it.

I would model the correction for the parent... not in a condescending way.

I remember being at a park when my son was about 3. There was a fountain there and all the kids were playing in the water. A woman was there with her son and he kept misbehaving in some way ( I can't remember what he was doing), and she was yelling from about 5 feet away... over and over... saying the same thing, and he kept doing the same thing over and over. My son did something I didn't want him to do and I walked to him and got down on eye level and corrected him. The very next time her son misbehaved she walked to him, got down at eye level and corrected him and he stopped.

In your case I'd do the same thing, no matter who the kid was or who he was hitting. In a play group when all the Moms are there and all the kids play together, I think it should be expected that some Mom's will see what others don't at one time or another. And I think that any Mom should feel ok about correcting another person's child in a kind and appropriate way, especially in this setting.

I would have walked over to the girl and said " Jane hitting hurts... can you show gentle touches to Jimmy?" and showed her how. If they were fighting over a toy and she hit for that reason I would say, "Jimmy has that toy. I know you want it, and you have to wait your turn." Then I would have either redirected her to a similar toy or depending on how long Jimmy was playing with the toy, said, "Jimmy, in 2 minutes it will be Jane's turn, Ok?"

Many kids hit around this age (and younger and older). Saying, "we don't hit" doesn't really teach them much. But many parents either don't know what to say or do or they don't want to bother because they are too busy chatting to notice. If the Mom didn't change her reaction to the hitting, I'd hesitate to bring my kid to the playgroup, or depending on how comfortable I felt with her, I might bring up the hitting behavior to her and offer some advice. Most kids do it, it's no big deal, but it's also not ok and shouldn't be ignored or half-heartedly addressed.

Tell whoever is hitting---NO hitting, hitting hurts in a very serious, stern voice. Second time this happens---say child's name, repeat what you said again and approach other parent of hitting child. Hopefully they will deal with it. I say something wherever we are--not just at my house. Park, library, whatever any time my child is involved, I am too. But as far as playdates--we are friends so I would do it for them and expect them to say something to me if I am not there.

M

In order for kids to learn what is acceptable or not in "our society," not just house, they need to hear it from others, too. As you protect the other kids, a simple "hitting is not nice," or something similar, while you are distracting the other kids, is okay.

If it happens in your home, you speak up with your rules.

My daughter was trying to climb up onto a play structure, she was about 4.5 and a little 2 yr old boy started kicking her in the face. She just froze, not knowing what to do. I ran to her and got her down and told the boy, "we do not kick, it hurts." Later, I noticed the mom when they were leaving. The boy had left his pacifier and I took it to her and let her know that her son had kicked my daughter in the face. Her response, oh, yeah, I saw that. I told her what I told him and she responded with, "He's only 2, and 2 yr. olds don't know any better." Well, my 2 yr old son was with us and he had accidently bumped into another kid early and stopped and apologized to the kid. I repeated this to the boys mom and she just said, oh. I firmly let her know that they were plenty old enough to start learning right from wrong and it was our job to teach it.

It probably fell on deaf ears, but I felt it needed to be said. I don't think she really expected a 2 yr old to grasp that kind of info.

I would tell a hitter the first time, "No hitting" in a stern voice... they hit again, I go find their Mother. I've been a Nanny off and on for the last 4 years, and I've learned that many parents are very permissive and don't care what their child does as long as they are left alone.

I don't care where, or who... as an adult who witnessed a physical altercation, I feel like I MUST intercede, especially if the hitter's parent doesn't. I'm just as active if my daughter is the one to hit.

1) I would absolutely jump in and correct the child who was hitting mine...and loud enough for his mom to hear.

2) I would 'probably' jump in here too. I wouldn't talk about my rules or anything just say something like "now, now suzie we don't hit our friends". And again, loud enough for the mom to hear.

Bottom line is that you need to advocate for you child at that age. And when a child is hitting that is a much different thing than if they were say-jumping on the furniture. Then I wouldn't bother to discipline another's child. But hitting? yeah I would without a second thought. And if the mom gets upset with me so be it.

.

I think I'd march the hitter over to her mom and say to her mom,
our group does not allow hitting. Please remind your child.
Something like that.

Not your kid, I wouldn't get involved.

In your home, your kid or not, I would speak up and lay down the house rules, unless the parent was on top of things.

If my kid got hit, I always told the other child, "Hitting isn't nice".
I said it whether the mom was right there or not.
I have been in situations where another child was hitting and the mom didn't say anything. If my child was witnessing it, I said the same thing...
"Hitting isn't nice".
There have been moms who have the opinion that hitting is a way for children to express themselves, however, at 2.5 years old, I don't see why it's not okay for an adult to express the fact that "Hitting isn't nice".
It's three simple words. And it's true.
In this instance, you diverted the other children, and that was a good plan at the time.
Just make sure if your daughter saw the hitting happen that she knows it's not okay to get what you want by doing that.
I've said before in a response or two that some of the best lessons my children learned about what NOT to do was by witnessing other kids do it and me letting my children know that it's NOT okay with me. Even if we talked about it in the car on the ride home or whatever.
Many kids have been allowed to do things I didn't let my kids do. They do learn the difference.
What other people do doesn't really matter if your own child isn't hurt, but you do have to consider what they see and let them know it's not all right.

Just my opinion.

Disciplining other peoples kids is tough and really... doesn't work if you aren't like a regular care giver, but you certainly CAN set boundaries about appropriate behavior in your home and with your child.

1) I think you'll have the best luck focusing on your OWN child. If your child gets hit deal with HER, but loudly enough for the other parent to see and hear. I'd try saying something like,"Oh my goodness DD! She hit you! You say 'Ouch, ______, that hurt. No hitting." If it happens again, instruct your daughter come away from the hitter.

2) In your home, I think you can certainly say "We don't hit." If the girl keeps hitting, maybe offer the mom a separate area or toy for her daughter, "Maybe ____ would like to play with this for a few minutes while she regroups."

HTH
T.

I haven't had the chance to try this one out much, but when I was working at a daycare I was told to ignore the kid who was hitting and coddle the one who was being hit. Then the hitter is not getting any attention for their bad behavior. I did try it a couple times with one child at the daycare and it seemed to help. Good luck!

This is an interesting question, and I'm sure you aren't the only person to have had this experience.

I've been a longtime observer of playgroups/moms groups. As a nanny, many of the families I worked with were part of these groups at some point or another.

To my knowledge, none of these groups is still together anymore. And they stopped meeting way before their children grew out of it.

Differences in discipline styles are often the primary reason these groups fall apart. Years ago, one of my sisters noticed her son being picked on. The mothers of the boys who were hitting my nephew chalked it up to 'boys being boys' and more or less expected everyone to be fine with it. My sister wasn't, and left.

I belong to a moms group, and earlier this year, I noticed that playgroup was becoming out of control. There were some children who were acting out in dangerous ways, and this was going unchecked. My husband and I were also very clear within ourselves that we didn't want our son around this sort of behavior, because we didn't want him to do the same, and so now I meet up with these fine women on our occasional nights out.

I'm glad, too, that the core group continues to meet with their children. A few months ago, it was decided that some issues of the nature you are describing needed to be addressed, and the group was able to come to some agreements regarding their expectations of each other as parents during those group times. (I wasn't at the meeting, but wrote up a list of open-ended questions for the leader of the group to use during that conversation.) While this was a wake-up call for some, I think the group at large is happier for it, and I'm glad they are able to stay friends. I still enjoy meeting up with their kids and mine for one-on-one playdates, and because I excused myself from the larger playgroup dynamic, I didn't feel it was my place to implement changes; that desire had to come from within the core group itself.

I have also composed a suggested list of friendly guidelines for another person's playgroup, upon their request, and I've posted it on my The Skyteahouse blog. Here's the link:

http://skyteahouse.blogspot.com/2010/11/parenting-at-play...

Feel free to tailor it to your needs. A gentle way to approach it with your playgroup might be make copies for everyone and just ask "Well, what do you think about this?" and see what kind of feedback you receive. This likely is NOT a conversation you want to have with the children present, and I highly recommend doing it over tea/coffee or drinks, and not at playgroup itself.

Every so often, you hear about playgroups staying together over the years. These are the exceptions. But one thing they have in common is the ability to address problems without hiding behind "being nice" and thus, not confronting issues. Sometimes, a strong leader who knows how to help the group flex will have to emerge. Most often, these groups implode because women are very uncomfortable with conflict, even when some of that conflict is necessary for the group to grow.

I hope that some of this is helpful to you. Interesting topic!

H. Wheeler
teacher/owner
Plumtree Nursery School

1) YES I would say something to the hitters Mom... such as: I'm going to take my child away and over there, because your child hitting is making him upset.... maybe they will calm down if separated....

2) If my child was not involved but it took place at my home... I would have called the Mom over, and said without emotion "your child hit that child... he is crying now.... "we" have to help them... "

Toddlers, do this. So you also have to understand that. AND children this age... do.not.have.fully.developed impulse-control yet. So, they are 'reactors.' Hitting will happen... even in the BEST of kids. No kid is perfect AND if a child is over-stimulated or over-tired... they get more physical... because children this age DO NOT have "coping skills" nor fully developed emotions... yet. And they are still at the age, where they do not have at-will control nor full impulse control, yet...nor social skills. ALSO at this age, MANY toddlers are still in the "parallel play" stage... so, they do not "interactively" play... nor are fully adept at interactive play with reciprocal awareness....

But yes, when kids are at my house.... I KNOW the Moms as well, and "I" do.... correct or guide or speak to the child... that harmed/hurt another child.... including my own, of course.... even if they were a bystander... I guide them....
Just today, I had 4 kids over for a play-date, plus my 2 kids. The other friend hit my son, I called him on it and I told the Mom. I told that kid "NO hitting... look at me.... I said NO hitting... that is not nice..." then, me and the other Mom, BOTH... corrected him, had him apologize... and then, explained that they stop. "We do NOT hit friends... that is not nice... " then the 2 kids made-up and then was nicer after that.

I always, do speak to/discipline other kids... no matter where.... and gauging the Mom, if she is just so not attentive.

all the best,
S.