Problem Brother-in-law

I don't know if this is actually true or just something to annoy homophobes but they say that the more homophobic you are means the better the chance you are a closet gay. :p

Unfortunately, I can relate to this situation, from the middle brother's point of view.
I was the one who came out of the closet. I had three brothers. My oldest brother hugged me and told me he loved me AND his new sister in law, and that we would always have his support. My middle brother told me that he could no longer allow his daughter (who was three at the time and had spent EVERY weekend of her life with me caring for her) to be in my life because I was going to be a bad influence. My youngest brother flipped out and told me that I was ruining the family name. My mother told me I was an abomination and no longer her daughter. Good times!
My youngest brother came around a couple of months later. He apologized, told me he loved me, and is now (five years later) one of the biggest gay rights supporters I know :) It took my middle brother a couple of years, but it's now much better there too.
What finally did it for my mom and my middle brother was when my oldest brother told my mother that he could no longer allow his children to be subjected to THEIR lifestyle of hatred and bigotry and that they were not allowed to be at family functions if they could not love and respect their own family.
Like I said, it took a while, but things are getting there! My brothers and I are all extremely close again, and they all love their sister in law (my wifeypoo) and our kids. My mom...well, I don't know if she will ever fully come around, but it is her loss.
Support your BIL and his partner. Love them. Be there for them. If the family as a whole unit won't support them, have your own functions without the idiots. They will be forever grateful for the support.

Well I'd call your MIL and tell her the holidays are at your house this year. Then I'd invite all your BIL's and if the oldest one does not want to come then that is his choice. I would tell him he is not controlling this family any longer. Tell him you love your middle brother and are not leaving him out of family functions any longer. I cannot believe that your FIL and MIL have allowed this to happen! Why has the oldest been allowed to "be in charge" all this time?

You're right. It's not right!
While the oldest is "entitled" to his (ridiculous) feelings, what he is doing is a complete power trip and holding everyone else hostage.
I know what I'd do--attend the events the middle brother attends.
AND I'd be sure to invite the gay bro AND his partner to every event at my house.
As for the oldest threatening his own parents with not seeing their grandchildren--let him do it. That's just so wrong on so many levels.
And so is his extreme homophobia logic.

As for your in-laws, what I would do is invite ALL of my kids, and f O. of them doesn't like it, then THAT O. can stay home.

Jane K. is right: You host. Your house, your rules. That means if you just have to have an ALL-family event, you host, middle bro and partner are welcome and oldest bro is invited and told, you're welcome here and so are your kids, but we invited everyone. Every. One. It's his choice to distance himself. Also, have events where you just don't invite oldest bro and family. You enjoy middle bro and partner more anyway; you do not have to like or socialize with someone you dislike just because he's your husband's brother. Invite FIL/MIL to join you and middle bro and partner and you;ll all be more relaxed.

It's your FIL and MIL's place, not yours, to put their foot down and tell the oldest bro he is being a bully especially by threatening them that they cannot see their grandchildren. What does he mean, exactly, by "they can't see their grandchildren if they make an issue of" seeing the gay couple? What is he considering "making an issue of it"? Having the couple at FIL/MIL's house at the same time as older bro is there? Seeing middle bro and partner AT ALL even if oldest bro is nowhere around? I'm wondering what rules he thinks he's setting for them. To threaten them with keeping the grandkids away is tragic for them and the grandkids. But it sounds like they may have to see the grandkids separately. I hate to say that because it's caving to oldest bro, but the kids should not be made pawns in oldest bro's power struggle. But the grandparents cannot let the oldest tell them they must never see the middle son and partner, even on their own time without the kids around. If he's telling them that, they would be right to tell him they can see whom they like when they like and he doesn't get rights of approval.

By the way -- big, big kudos to your FIL for working on his own issues and still spending time with his son and his son's partner. That's very commendable and can be tough for a guy of his generation. He deserves credit for it.

S.,

Your husband's father's heart is in the RIGHT place. Your husband's older brother is playing God and doing his parents, siblings, children, wife and family a serious WRONG. Family gatherings should include ALL family members that LOVE and respect one and other, in spite of their differences. "Judge ye not, least ye be judged".

(Seems like Dad needs to have a sit down with his eldest son).

Blessings....

Seems like the oldest brother is running the show here. So wrong. I'm proud of the middle brother for having the courage to be honest with his family, and I commend your father-in-law for being accepting. The oldest brother is committing emotional blackmail. Really, threatening your in-laws that they can't see his kids? I'd tell Oldest Brother to kiss my a#%. If he doesn't like whoever is at the family get togethers, he is more than welcome to stay home. You know what "kind of influence" I would want to keep myself and my kids from? Influences like your husband's oldest brother. This makes me so MAD. Oh, and the biggest homophobes are the ones who are the least secure in their own sexuality. Harumph.

i agree with everyone have it at your house or do what the one posters brother did and say u don't want ur kids arnd someone who is so hateful.....i would def do holidays with the middle brother and invite his parents and him, and of he shows great, if not stinks to be him...and if he doesnt show maybe u can have his kids sleep over or do an event with them so thier not affected by their parents...how does his wife feel?

Sounds like the oldest brother is a bully and that if you don't think like him or share his views you are 'booted out.'
Honestly I'd spend holidays with the middle brother, if you are closer to him, and see if your MIL would join (not sure if you all live close to one another) and then stop by the bullies house to - to keep peace - but keep the majority of the holidays with those you get along with and enjoy - not with those who you feel obligated to see......(not sure if any of this came out the way I wanted it to and I reread it and not sure how else to put it - maybe someone else who answers can say it better!!!!!!!)

I would not like that the oldest brother seems to be making the rules for the entire family. i think everyone should get together and talk it out. its not reasonable that the gay brother can't go to family parties just because of the old brother. is your house big enough to have everyone over to your house and you can invite anyone you want and then maybe the old brother wont come? really you mil and fil should stand up and say something and if the older bro doesn't like it then he doesn't have to go. i know thats easier said than done but someone needs to step up and get a grip on it. good luck.

Your BIL is a jerk and stupid. My husband aunt is a lesbian and she used to take him places and have him and his bro sleep over all with her girlfriend and he didn't know that she was gay even when he knew what gay was. How does a person act gay? Does he think his brother is going to start making out with his boyfriend in front of his kids? Does he make out with his wife in front of people? I mean serously come on?! I think your inlaws need to quit picking sides. Your nieces/nephews are the ones who are going lose out by not knowing their grandparents. My BIL and SIL always withhold their kids from my inlaws for stupid childish reasons until they need something or a babysitter and my inlaws don't put up with their behavior so their plan back fires. Can't your BIL introduce his bf as his friend? I would spend holidays at home and invite your inlaws and brother inlaws and if the oldest one doesn't show up he will have to deal with sad kids and I bet it won't take long for him to come around for the sake of his kids. Good luck

If I were you I would do the family stuff at MY house and invite EVERYONE - and whoever shows up shows up and whoever doesn't show up - doesn't show up - their loss!!!

I don't think you do anything. Both brothers are grown ups and don't need an intervention from anyone else. Adding your opinion won't help a bit!