Please Help Adult Sibling Relationship

my dear, you need to learn how to use psychic shielding, in conjunction with some good old fashioned boundaries.
you need to stop crying, and to stop hoping against hope that they are going to change and stop criticizing and belittling you.
learn how to smile and say 'sorry, hon, not having this conversation with you again. what did you think of the latest game of thrones episode?'
redirect until they get bored and go away.
khairete
S.

Sounds like they just love and miss you. I would be grateful for a sister that actually wanted to see me and build a relationship with me. Trust me, there are worse things.

They can't bother you unless you let them.
Just let it slide off your back.
Be busy and happy and not available all the time.
See them when it's convenient for you.
For some people, several times a month is too much contact.
There are PLENTY of families who get together maybe just a few times per year or maybe every few years.

Your relationships are on your terms.
If you don't like something others won't know unless you tell them.
If you've told them and they ignore it, then talk to them less.

My sister wants a relationship with me.
She enjoys fighting / arguing / drama - I don't.
She doesn't want a relationship so much as she wants a sparring partner.
Finally I told her there's just no point beyond exchanging Christmas cards.
She's hurt - but if I won't argue with her - she's not that interested.

As for your mother and sister, it's beginning of June right now.
Next time they begin to nag tell them you'll see them 4th of July.
If it were me, I'd push it to Labor Day, and then be too busy to see them again till Thanksgiving.
Start spacing this out to only a few times per year.
You'll be much happier.
Who cares if they are not.
You are not responsible for their happiness.

You are full of resentment because you are letting them have the best of you. You are in charge of your time. NOBODY has time for that kind of emotional manipulation. If these were just two people you met off the street, you would have found a way to get out of this tyranny. You would just not answer their calls. You would tell them you did not appreciate the guilt trips. You would tell them you needed space.

Or read "Boundaries" . It's a book that distinguishes between YOUR problems and their problems. And helps you let them own their own problems and find a solution. If you let them own that they have terrible relationship skills and the consequence of that is less time with you, they just might change. If you keep letting them roll all over you, things won't change.

You need to put boundaries in place for your emotional well being. It's not punishment for them, although they might see it that way. Too bad. It's their problem. You feel guilty way too much. Never in your wildest dreams did you agree to be their pasty for life because you chose to live with your dad and make changes.

Boundary 1. You need time to breathe and make decisions. Give it at least a month before you answer a call from them. Don't go see them, dont let them come to your house. You can email them and let them know you need time and you are sure they want to give you your space because their relationship depends on your getting some space at this time. You will not be taking their call or texts. They can email if something very important happens. This time may be extended if they choose to ignore your request.

During this time, read the book. See a counselor. Block phone calls, don't answer texts, don't listen to messages. If they show up the time is extended another month. You don't owe them your emotional well being.

You would not be the first to do this kind of thing. There are lots of us out here. Toxic parents, inlaws, siblings exist for many. In every case, with boundaries your life gets better and they either find a better way to treat you or find a way to get over you. They will be fine.

Don't let them push or guilt you into getting together that much.
With your history that you gave & their attitudes, I would keep your space.
Give what you can or are willing to give and let that be it.
There is nothing written down in books that say you have to see your
siblings every 3 weeks.
Keep some space between you & visit when you want to.
It, also, sounds like you need space from them.
Especially if all of your get togethers end in them mistreating you.
Don't feel compelled to do anything with them.
Set boundaries for yourself.
See them a few times a year for holidays or maybe a big special birthday
for one of the kids.
Don't feel guilty for being the person that you turned out to be.
Since they sound borderline abusive, see them on your terms when YOU
want for brief visits.

The fact that they have issues with you needing your own space doesn't belittle the fact that you shouldn't reward bad behavior.

My father is mentally ill and has been for years but I have learned to not feed into his crazy. He complains that I don't come to visit him enough (I visit him every Sunday). He complains that he doesn't know where I live (If he did he would come to my house unannounced and when I'm not home, he would call my name out as if that would get me to answer to door and he would also talk and hang out with my neighbors which I just say hi and by too). He also complains when I don't give him money (he spends most of his money on the pick 3 and pick 4 - he gets his money on the 1st of the month and by the 5th of the month he is out of money).

When is is acting out, I'm kind to him but if I can only see him on Sunday, I see him on Sunday.

I loved B from Chesapeake's answer. Spread the vists out. Never feel badly about the choices you make for your life regarding your time and over time you will discover that they will either comply to your wishes or it will just be more time between visits.Never reward bad behavior with what they want, it only teaches them to give you more of the same.

First, don't answer the phone as much. The less you speak, the less she can irritate you.

Secondly, stand your ground. Tell her you would rather see each other less often and actually enjoy the time rather than see each other often enough to be criticized constantly.

Tell them BOTH that you have your own life, own kids, and need to live it. When time allows, you will get together with them. But if they keep pressuring you, it will be less and less until it's pretty much nonexistent.

I agree that you need to plan a time, without the kids, when you can talk, on the phone or in person,with them in an honest way about how you feel. Use I statements. "I feel pressured when you keep asking to get together. This.....happened when we did get together and I feel ........."

Make a list before you get together of the things that are upsetting to you. then narrow that list down to a couple of things that are the most important to you and plan a way to talk about them in a calm and nonjudgmental way. Practice what you want to say. Include recent, emphasis on recent, examples. Yes, you can bring up how you fought all the time when you visited often but don't make that the central issue. Talk about what has happened recently.

Also plan for them not understanding you and know what you're going to say to explain your point of view again in a nonjudgmental way using I statements. Psych yourself up so that you don't get emotional.

I suggest that they may not understand or choose to not understand. In that case stop trying to communicate with them.

I suggest it's also alright to just be blunt and say that you don't want to visit. If they ask why, calmly and without judgment state what has happened in the recent past, how you feel about it, and that as a result you find visits unpleasant and don't want to visit. * Do not get into an argument with them. If necessary hang up the phone after saying good bye or walk away.

*Or not. I might just say, "I don't want to visit" without giving an explanation. You do not have to give reasons for your choices. Choices are yours to make. They don't even have to make sense. Picture yourself with a fence around you. You choose who you let inside the fence. Giving an explanation is letting that person inside your fence.

Or if you want, tell them you will visit once a month and in the meantime do not want to have phone conversations. You decide what you want, tell them in a calm and nonjudgmental way using I statements. "I want to visit you next month and suggest a day. Is that date OK with you? Please don't call me in the meantime." Their remarks. " I feel pressured when you call. It feels like you want more from me than I'm able to give. I need my space." End the conversation and hang up.

I often write down what I want to say first. Sometimes, after I've had a friend read it and determine that I have been able to use I statements, not criticized them, been nonjudgmental, etc sent the letter. Sometimes the other person does understand what I've written and we've been able to talk about the issues in a calm way.

You have the right to not visit. You are not responsible for their happiness. And......it sounds like the three of you have different personalities and expectations from your relationships. It is OK to say, this is not working. Let's take a break.

Here are web sites about a way of talking that may help you in this conversation. The method is called nonviolent communication. It's a way of acknowledging each person's feelings and wording things so that the other person is more likely to feel heard and thus better able to agree with you.

http://www.cnvc.org/

http://www.wikihow.com/Practice-Nonviolent-Communication

I think you should set the boundaries and make an itinerary of when you will see sister, mom and sister and mom jointly. Start with once a month no ifs and whats just once a month. Have a lunch with mom without sis and enjoy the time together and mother and daughter. Do the same with your sister without the kids. Once you get that under control add the kids for one of the visits.

Since you did live with your dad, you have a different perspective on life than your mom and sister. They do resent the fact that you lived with dad and they have not gotten over it. They see their way as the "right" way to live.

Remember you are an adult and you can do what you want. If these were strangers you would not hesitate to change the dynamics of the relationship. So think of them as strangers and work from there. If it gets better great if it does not then you know where you stand with them and can move on.

I don't know how many times people post on here how they can't stand their sibling. It is part of life. Personalities click or they don't. My daughter does not like to be bullied by her brother and lives in a different state than he does which is about 16 hours away one way. He always wants her to do things and she put her foot down and said no. He may or may not know why she does not run to him but it is what you give out in life as to how people treat you later in life the "reap what you sow". If it is good you will have good if it is bad you will suffer and lose.

Life is too short for all the drama families like to place on members. Do you thing and be happy and enjoy your life the way you want. Turn off the phone, block the numbers or whatever to keep your sanity.

the other S.

Very narrow suggestions in response to your question-

If when you are together, they start to complain that they don't see enough of you simply say, "Well I'm here now, let's see if we can make the best use of what time we do have together."

Can you take them separately? if your sister is hoping for a better sibling relationship, maybe you two spring for a sitter, leave 5 kids in their care, and go get a manicure and lunch together/ go for a run/ package care packages for veterans, whatever you might do with a chum. Put yourself in a friend context, rather than in a beleagured sister context, it might help shift the mindset. Do something similar with your mother.

Good luck to you and yours,
F. B.

I would read up on boundaries. You set up a boundary by putting some physical distance between you. Now you have to have a better emotional boundary so that it doesn't tug on your heartstrings all the time.

JMO.

Dear, this is their problem, not yours. They can't gripe at you weekly if you don't answer the phone, or however they communicate with you.

Basically, you should tell them that you feel the relationship is better if you don't see each other so much and you are going for quality of quantity. Then, they know where you are coming from and anything beyond that is theirs to deal with.

Take a deep breath and let THEM own this situation.

Here's my take based on something that I've seen multiple times: Sounds to me like Sis and Mom have boundary issues of their own. Sis doesn't know if she's your little sis or your mom, and Mom doesn't know if she's the mom or a peer. Sis has everything (divorce, you) from your mother's perspective and speaks critically and accusatorily to you. Mom is more of a frenemy. Between them, they don't know who is the mother and who is the daughter. They want to pull you in (maybe to give them structure), but you just get too annoyed to particiate. They don't necessarily realize that they are an unhealthy pair. They just take it personally that you won't play with them. The reason that you aren't more like them is that you have been tainted by being in your father's presence. He has influeneced you in a way that makes you not one of them. All they have is each other, and they don't know how else to be.

What is your relationship like with your father? Do you get along okay?

What B. said below about boundaries and space.

Visit when you want to. If your sister goes off on her "it's been threeeee weeeeks" bit, then look at her and say, "Do you really want a closer relationship emotionally or do you want a time card relationship?" Some relationships are close without being nearby physically. I have a good relationship with my sister and she lives 2.5 hours away. We see each other every 3-4 months. We email and text frequently.

It may also be that they are extroverts and you are an introvert. I do not need to see someone daily to be close to them. Extroverts (like my DH) seem to need a lot more present care and feeding of relationships.

If they treat you with contempt, then flat-out say, "This behavior is unfriendly and unacceptable. If you truly want me to consider visiting even once a month, you need to look at your own behavior and make it worth my while. Why should I drag my family here to be disrespected regularly? You say you want x and you give me y. Unless this changes, I will not be visiting very often."

You say your sister compares you to other people's perceived relationships. She needs to either stop looking at the grass being greener or she needs to think, "Hrm, I wonder why they have what I want and I don't..." but that would take some navel gazing that she may not be able to do.

This is about more than how often you visit. They sound like they are still resentful that you stayed with your dad. If they are determined to hang on to that hurt it does make it hard. What you can do is stop letting their comments hurt you. Set your boundaries and stick to them. Go when it works for you and let their comments roll off. Try to enjoy both your space farther away and your visits on whatever schedule works for you. You cannot change their reactions, but you can change your response to them.

Have you told her FLAT OUT that you don't want to spend more time with her because of her constant criticisms? If you have, what does she say? Does she acknowledge that she was wrong to do it? Does she makes excuses? If you haven't, WHY NOT?

You need to let the dam break and tell her exactly what she did to you and your family to make you feel relieved not to spend time with her. So what if she doesn't like it. Maybe she would stop calling you so much if you leveled with her.

And if she STILL criticizes you, why do you answer the phone?

Time to step up and stop letting her walk all over you. Stop being sad and be mad! That will give you the courage to say what you feel. You need to clear the air here.

Good luck!

Nothing is going to get better until you're honest with them. TELL them it upsets you to be criticized. TELL them you need your space; that you'd enjoy the visits more if there wasn't the pressure to *always* be together. I would be blunt and honest and just lay it ALL out there. I mean, what's the worst that can happen? They'll stop wanting to visit? LOL Problem solved!

I WISH my two estranged sisters would beg me to come see them.

However, I understand your relief in being away. Schedule a once a month trip to see how that works.

Wow - how annoying I really feel for you! But you have to let this go and stop letting them bother you. You know they may never change...so you have to change how you react to them. I don't know how to advise you to do that though. You can have a serious, heart to heart talk with each of them separately telling them how much this hurts you. Tell them (kindly) how they are making you feel and how awful it is for you. If both of them do not change after that well...you have to just ignore it I guess. They are like the 2 buddies and they are making you feel left out/bad. They are ganging up on you. I see my brother once a year. I see my mom 4x a year. We all live in different places....that is just the way it is. Honestly, if I were to see my mom more often it would drive me totally insane...she is really hard to be around. So, I am happy we live in different states. She wants to move here one day and I am dreading it!