I am almost 30, I have a 5 year old son, and I have not lived at home since I was about 18. In the last 5 years, my father passed away, my sister moved back home to take care of my mother, and my husband passed away. A lot has happened. After my husband passed away, my mother and sister suggested that I move back home with my son to get my life together. Well needless to say, I DO NOT want to do that, nor did i NEED to do that. In the 2 years since my husband passed away, I have moved into my own apartment with my son and am in a steady relationship with a wonderful man. I am doing very well for myself. There have been many situations that have led me to decide that I don't want my mom and sister to visit me. They have taken a "better than thou" kind of stance towards me and have used guilt to try to control me. It is like they have used my son and I as a surrogate to live through and really don't do enough on their own.
I am passed the point of deciding weather of not to have them visit, I have made the choice and decision that I don't want them to visit that often and I don't feel like i should have to let them. I am to to point of how to get them to understand this decision.
As an adult, I can make the decision to have or not have someone involved in my life. But my mom and sister think that because they are family, they are some how required to be a part of my life, and that I am obligated to let them in. They have shown up twice unannounced to my house, which I feel is very disrespectful. They recently emailed me and said "tell us what weekend we can come see [my son]. If you don't, we will just surprise you some weekend." First off, they didn't ask if they could come, they told me that they were coming and my only says in this was when they could come. Second, they are threatening to just show up again. That is very disrespectful.
How can I set up boundaries with my family that they will understand? How can I explain that I don't want them to visit me?
First of all, I want to thank everyone for their advise and help with this. Knowing all of the details, and exactly what I have been through, I will be speaking more directly with my family and expressing my feelings without the sugar coating. While I do understand that family can be important, I also understand that not everyone feels that way for whatever reason, and those feelings should be respected. Thank you again for your help.
Well, I think if you don't want anything to do with them, you're going to have to spell it out very plainly. Do you want any type of relationship with them? If so, you may have to be very careful how you speak to them and understand that if you tell them not to visit -you may wind up with no relationship at all. IF that's okay with you, then by all means, tell them you want out!
With a husband and a father recently passing i question your judgement about NOT wanting them to visit. Its your mom AND your sister. If you truly want nothing to do with them you have to be completely honest with them about your feelings, they are family and deserve the truth from you.
Although, i would expect them to very hurt by it, i would.
This is the kind of situation where you can run but you can't hide.
Unless you come right out and tell them you do not want them to visit you, then you can't be upset if they do so--announced or unannounced.
If you're sure you want to cut this cord, I think you're just going to have to tell them flat out, to their faces.
Have you thought about being direct with your family and just telling them what you wrote here? You wrote that you DON'T WANT THEM TO VISIT YOU. Maybe consider telling them that and that you will let them know if you change your mind. Hope this helps! I'm in a similar situation and it is awkward for me. I wish you the best.
You just need to tell them.
They... have a way of life you do not agree with nor want as an influence in your life, nor do you want them to control you... and their "better than thou" attitude toward you and 'guilt' you and use you as a surrogate 'family.'
Them wanting to see you/your son is normal... though their way of doing it and their behavior is not good.
Your Mom does not have her Husband anymore and your sister does not have her Dad anymore... and all they have left is you and your son.
So, they may be clingy. But along with that, they have taken the stance that they have to 'control' you. Which is not good for you/ your son. Which thankfully, you are cognizant about..... and you are trying to live your life. Positively.
The only way to do this, is to tell them. But it will cause conflict. Because, people naturally do not take being 'rejected' very well.
They probably also feel "better than thou" because, your Sister moved back home to care for your Mom after your Dad died, and so they formed a co-dependent relationship and maybe feel that since you did not help with "Mom" after Dad died..... that you are not as thoughtful... although you are just more independent AND could manage your life just fine, on your own.
People do not 'have to' move back home, in order to get their lives back together, as your Mom and sister say.
They do not understand that. But since they are that way, they feel you are not as competent....
They seem to have a co-dependent type personality and are controlling. They don't 'see' that other people live differently and have different values. Thus, they act 'better than thou." It comes from ignorance and an inability to see other points of view.
It will be hard to 'satisfy' them... while also keeping your distance from their toxicity. Upon your life. So... that is the conundrum.
Perhaps... set up a "schedule" of visits with them AHEAD of time... so that visits is by YOUR choice, not theirs.
Say, only for your son's Birthday or something, or 1 Holiday.
Tell them you are very busy... and weekends are not suitable for them to just pop in. AND you also have a significant other and there is his schedule too and you/your son's/your Partner's lives too.
Have they ever met your Partner???? If this relationship is serious.. then, you have to lay the groundwork for implementing a "habit" of him being IN your life, in conjunction with their perceptions of it.... and make him a SOLID part of your life and your son's. So that, outwardly, to them... they will hopefully REALIZE that they also have to 'respect' him... as part of the scenario. AND that, they have to also ask permission of things from you and him... before just inviting themselves, over to your home.
OR... as an alternative, tell them they CANNOT visit nor unannounced... and that YOU will visit them. Say once a year. If that is feasible for you and what you want.
The thing is, will you always not want to see them, period? Or, will you be able to tolerate them, for once a year visits???? At your choice of timing??? Or, if you prefer not to see them, ever, ever again... then you need to realize that.
If not, they will always suggest coming to visit you.
You said you do not want them to visit.
So what does that mean exactly? Not visiting EVER, forever??? Or just sometimes???
...OR, ONLY UNLESS they 'behave' according to how you want them to be? If so, then that will probably never happen. People cannot change sometimes, or will not. And so, you either have to extract them from your life... or accept that they are difficult. AND, live your life anyway. Or you TELL them... you will not stand for their behavior and they have to, IF they want to visit you/your son... to go by YOUR 'rules.'
You need to tell them as well, that they CANNOT just drop in. And that, THAT is rude and disrespectful.
They probably are trying to infiltrate you/your life... because they have none of their own, and your Dad is no longer alive. And in conjunction with that, you have always been independent away from them... and they feel an incongruous 'need' to make you, into what they think you should be.
all the best,
Susan
Life is very short. Just attended 3 funerals in 2 days so that may be tempering my comments. It is important to know who your family is and where they are. You are under no obligation to let uninvited guests come over anytime but you should make some time for your son to get to know his grandmother and aunt. One day your sister may have a daughter and your son could end up dating his cousin and that would be just nasty.
Fast forward to 25 years from now when your son doesn't want you to visit him. Some things are taught and some things are caught. What are you teaching him by your actions? Find a way to set healthy boundaries with your family and it could be a win, win, win for all especially for your son. I hope this helps.
I understand boundary issues. What I find confusing is exactly what boundaries you want to establish. Once you figure that out and can articulate it plainly, you can come up with a plan of action. You say you don't want them to visit "that often." If that means an annual or semi-annual visit is acceptable, then give them a specific date .... at whatever point in the future you find acceptable. Perhaps mail an invitation. Make it formal. Perhaps arrange it on a long weekend or special occassion to make it a little let arbitrary, but nonetheless.... if they give you an opening like "Tell us what weekend we can come visit," you have the opening to say, "I can clear the second weekend in December. We can go look at the lights and you can go with us when we see Santa and still be in your own home to celebrate the holiday." If that doens't work for them, then you can offer another weekend even further in the future. :-)
Best of luck.
If you want nothing at all to do with them, you will only have success if you spell it out bluntly. That's not the impression I get from your post, though.
I like Kimberly F's comments to you.
Kids really do learn from what they see. If you don't find a healthy way to visit with your mom and sister, your son might learn that cutting off family is an acceptable behavior. Your influence on your son is extremely important. And beyond all else, always try to think about what how your actions will affect his actions in the future.
A win-win solution is really a good idea. Be proactive and set up a visit on neutral grounds. Is there a zoo or museum you can meet at? Maybe share a meal before or after as well? Maybe just a visit at a park. Think of some places where you might stand back and let your mom enjoy her grandson while you are in the background.
Family is important and sometimes we don't realize that until it is too late.
I've always been a fan of brutal honesty.
It's not easy, but if you really don't want them to show up unnanounced you have to tell them so very bluntly. If they do show up, say, "Oh I'm so sorry that I can't receive you right now. We're on our way out for a little alone time" and stick with it. You probably won't have to do that more than once and they probably won't be happy about it.
Another thing to think about: Whatever your issues are with your mom (and I DO understand, I didn't see mine or speak to her for years), your son has a living grandmother who he might like to know. If he's too young to see that now, he might resent you later for not allowing him to have his very own relationship with his grandmother. If you don't trust her to be alone with him, then you might have to sacrifice some time of your own and hang out. He might be curious about where/ whom he comes from someday.
I have never been OK with my relationship with my mother (though now much improved) but my children love her to pieces, and she loves them right back. It would be a shame if I got in the way of that.
Your mom and sister show up unannouned because you don't set dates or times for them to visit your son. Your mom just wants to spend time with her grandson and probably now more than ever since she has lost her husband. They are probably still hurting from the loss and are just trying to hold onto whatever family they have left. I don't know what issues have happened between you and your mother and sister but just because they suggested you move in with them doesn't mean they are trying to control you. They may just now want you all to be closer to each other realizing how short life is.
How often does your son see his grandmother and aunt? Does he enjoy seeing them and spending time with them? If he does, then you should make time for them all to visit. Why not take your son to their house or meet up somewhere? You could all meet up for dinner or lunch a couple of times a month or maybe every other Saturday afternoon at a children's destination like Chuck E Cheese, Zoo, etc. This would allow them to spend time with your son and provide an activity for your son a couple of times a month that he gets to share with his grandmother and aunt. Would you consider letting your son stay at their house every other weekend? Or maybe once a month?
To me family is the most important thing and I make sure my kids and I see both sides of the family on a regular basis, no matter what issues we may have. You have to decide what is most important to you and your son and if family is one of them, then put your differences aside and spend time with them while you still have the chance.
My friend has a lot of problems with her parents not respecting her decisions and personal space throughout her life. What finally broke her parents (really, her dad) of showing up unannounced was when she just didn't answer the door on one of the visits (sounds simple, but I'm sure it was unpleasant for everyone). Her parents dad lived over an hour away at the time, she had had repeatedly told her dad not to show up without calling first. Things were strained for a while, but because they all did want to continue the relationship it worked itself down to a more calm, less invasive relationship.
Perhaps, if you want to be less confrontational, offer to go visit them, or suggest some kind of neutral territory, under the guise of a vacation or fun weekend -- you could all meet somewhere for fun.
You live in an apartment--you could use that as an excuse for not having them stay with you, and if they do show up announced, take them to dinner (public places mean less of a scene) and let them know that you're busy (even if you're not) and don't have room for them, but that you can all get out your calendars to pick a time and location (not your home) to meet for a longer visit. It's probably not going to be well received, but that is the choice, I guess, if you don't want to be their doormat.
You have every right to let them visit you or not. However, if you tell them that you don't want them to visit, be prepared for a possible end to your relationships with them.
What kind of relationship do you envision with them, if you will never see them?
Family is awkward. My condolenses go out to your father and your husband. At the time you were dealing with your husband and his health issues your mom and sister were recovering from your dad's death. Some how they feel that since you have lost your mate as well that you all should be a big "happy" family. You stood your ground and made the best of a bad situation and came out the other side with a wonderful new friend.
It is up to you how you handle your mom and sister but with BLUNT words no sugar coating as they will not understand. Yes, feelings will be hurt but you have said what you have to say and you can schedule the visits away from your home. Your home is off limits to their presence for whatever reason you feel.
Grandchildren are a gift and your mom would like to be part of your son's life. It is hard to understand that right now but it is true. I would love to be in my grandson's life more but things did not turn out that way. He does know who I am and we do things together as a two-some that make special memories.
As for your sister, she is going to have to get a life of her own and stop living through you. That is her problem.
I wish you luck with a compromise that is mutually agreeable to all sides. Do not back down on what you want you are over 18. The other S.
My sister threatens to visit periodically. We fought like cats and dogs all through growing up and it was SUCH a relief when she moved away. We just a few weeks ago accidentally visited my Mom at the same time (I brought my son, she brought her daughter) and for that one day it was all I could do to grit my teeth and bear it. The day was nothing short of hell on earth and I could NOT get out of there fast enough. Some people will not take no for an answer. If my sister and I didn't live in different states (at least 8 hrs travel away), I think I might have to have a restraining order to keep her away or a really big dog. If they will not respect your wishes, next time they show up as a surprise, call the cops and have them escorted off your property. That should speak loud and clear. An accident of birth is no reason to have to put up with crazy people - and my sister is as crazy as they come. Good Luck!
First off i want to say that i am sorry for your loss. *hug. As far as your family goes... i would just tell them the truth. Have them come over... sit them down and talk about it. Let them know that their attitude towards you is really hurtful and makes you not want to be around them. Set boundaries.. let them know that they need to call you and ASK to come over, because it's not always a good time for you. ( i hate when people just come over too!! Even family!) A lot of the time people don't realize that they are doing something wrong.. you just have to kindly explain to them what bothers you.. and compromise on something. Afterall they are your family. I hope things work out for you all!! Good luck!
I would tread very carefully around this issue of how much exposure you want for you and your son to your 'toxic relatives'. It's a delicate balancing act. I can say, however, that as you get older and more mature you will realize that family members and lifelong friends are the only ones you can truly count on in this world.
Say you need some space and don't want to see them now and will call. Tell them you live them if you can because it stings when you are shut out
