Playdate Concerns

Kristi- You sound a lot like me. I'm a play it safe kind of person, and all of my friends are very laid back. I'd say if my daughter was older (she's 1), we'd have the perfect play date together! I have the same concerns as you, and I think you are definately entitled to go along on the play date, or have it on neutral ground.

Hi, Kristi! Listen, as far as I am concerned, you can never be overly-cautious when it comes to your child's safety and well-being. Like you said, you know NOTHING about these people and who or what is in their home. Would you just drop your daughter off anywhere else without going in, checking the place out and knowing a lot about who you are leaving her with? Of course you wouldn't and neither would I! Simply tell the mom that you would love to have a play date, but that you only feel comfy staying with your daughter. Why not suggest a play date on mutual grounds (the park, a play area, etc) and then mention that this way bringing your son won't be a problem because you don't have a babysitter. If she says no, then kindly decline. I don't even leave my kids with family members unless I am very, very close to them. Remember, we have instict for a reason. Listen to your gut and protect your daughter. Other opportunities for playdates will come that you are comfortable with. :)

I know that it's important to go with you gut, but you also expressed concern that you're overly cautious. So take it a step up and ask the mom your questions. Even if you just ask if it's ok to stick around a little to make sure your daughter acclimates well (not a lie) to the new situation. I don't think it's appropriate to stick around too long since you have to bring another child. Maybe she insisted on her place because she doesn't realize you have another one, or just assumed you would bring him. If this is a little girl that your daughter is developing a friendship with, you know it's your responsibility to develop a relationship with the parents so that you know what goes on in their house when you're not there.

Always go with your gut. There is nothing wrong with calling the mother and explaining that you have not started leaving your child on playdates and would prefer to stay but would be more than willing to have her child over if that would be inconvenient.

I would tell her you would rather meet at the park or something and that you feel your daughter is a little to young to go to playdates alone.
I have four children but feel the same way. Unless I"ve met the parents and have an idea how they are I owuld let them go.
I think you are right for feeling uncomfortable about this.

You have to go! Look at it this way, unless something IS worng, she won't have a problem with you coming, and she probably just didn't think of it. Asking questions and staying away will not give you the information you need (environment, swearing, drinking, weird friends hanging out, whatever) and never going is preposterous. You'll look paranoid with the questions, yet chicken by staying away.
"I'd love to bring her over-what time should we come? We want to come in and chat too for a while, I'd love to see your home!" Whatever.
I have a nutty friend who I like, but i NEVER leave my daughter there. Once in a while, we all go pop in for a visit. Call it the drinking, smoking, swearing older teenage sons running in and out drag racing into the driveway, whatever. I like them, but I never let my daughter out of my sight. Other friends, no problem. But I have been to everyone's house several times. Be nice and firm.

HI Kristi,
I agree with you. I also have a 4 year old and I don't let him play anywhere without me if I don't know the people he is with. I have had mom's ask me if I want them to stay for playdates and parties and I always say yes. (unless I have known them for years and we watch each others kids...that is different) Tell her you would like to have the playdate at your house since you have your 6 year old home at that time also otherwise you would have to bring him. Tell the mom that you would like to get to know her better. This way you can be there in case your daughter needs you and who knows, maybe you and the other mom will hit it off and become friends. Always follow your gut instinct...don't let her go the first time alone.

From your description, it doesn't sound like you have been excluded. Next time you talk to her let her know you couldn't get a babysitter for your son, so he'll have to come along too. If she says you can just leave your daughter, tell her that you usually stay for your daughter's play dates. Tell her you don't think she's old enough to be on a play date by herself yet. Offer to bring coffee or snacks for you and the mom. If the mom says no to you & your son staying, then you probably don't want your daughter to go over there. If its a safe, healthy environment, then the mom would be more than will to have you over too.
Good luck. I hope it works out.

Go with your instincts. You mentioned about not knowing much about this woman's lifestyle and it is your responsibility to protect your child. Better to be safe than sorry. I wouldn't try to invite myself-that is going to be awkward and probably not possible, but I would just explain to your child that you have something else fun to do that night and do it! So your daughter doesn't feel like she's missing out...plan a fun family night out and maybe even start a tradition. In this day and age...I don't think you can ever be too cautious. Just my opinion. :0)

Your child is young. If your gut tells you no, decline the offer. If you want to go with her instead, just hang out until you are comfortable, and prepare an excuse to leave with your daughter if the situation is not comfortable.

Don't apologize for being a mom:). If something doesn't feel right, trust yourself. Maybe you can meet at a park for a picnic or you can say something about your daughter being uncomfortable in new situations and so you guys try out other people's houses together initially. Then you can see how this family interacts, disciplines and you can determine if you have any concerns after that. I would hope the other mom will understand this. She is only 4, not even in elementary school. Good luck!

Go, take coffee or a treat with you. Hang out. She might help you feel more relaxed. She might not have the same values as you, but you'll learn what they are.

It would be very normal to stay with the playdate when your child is 4 and it's a new place. But don't stay to guard her, this woman is probably someone from whom you can glean a lot of wisdom.

Staying with a 4yo is normal. Your perspective... change it to meeting another mom with more experience. Most of my friends don't share my values. And it's not a bad thing. Unless they have a bad dog or unlocked guns in the house or a creepy man living in the basement. But you can figure that out pretty quick!

Kristi,
YOU are the Mom so just ask her! She is a Mom too and will understand. It is your right to know that your child will be safe but you also have to relax a little too, just a little :)
Good luck
Christina

I always had the same feelings when it came to playdates with other classmates and the unknown- I always say go with your gut. You are the mother-your child's best advocate. To be honest with you I went on all my children's "first" and sometimes second playdates - toting siblings as well. I would simply say to the parent something like "great we'll be there at..." and just simply stay-that way you can answer all your own questions about the home and family your child is spending time with. You may even make a new friend yourself by staying and engaging in adult conversation. I now have 3 older children 9,7, and 6, but continue to be concerned about new friends and the unknown-I do ask alot of questions and even ask others who may know the family better than I do. Best of Luck to You
ASweeney

Trust you gut and stay with them and if they don't like it then don't go back.
jade

Hi Kristi,
You are right. If you are uncomfortable sending your child to someone's house whom you don't know, don't send her. We have to live with our decisions and you will never be sorry if your child is safely protected. At this point, you could simply say that you can't work it into your schedule, because you would want to know them better before you sent your daughter over. Perhaps, you could say that this time doesn't work out right now, but is there a time when the mom and her daughter could come to your house for coffee or cookies and punch and play ? that way you set the opportunity for the kids to play, and also for the mom and you to get together. it also doesn't close the door on what might be a good relationship for your daughter, and perhaps for you, too.

As your daughter gets older you will begin to send her places where you know less and less about the adults, but you do this as your trust in YOUR OWN CHILD increases. As you have faith in her ability to sense whether or not she's in a good place, whether she is gutsy enough to call home and have you come and get her should she want to be retrieved, whether she will tell you if the home isn't one in which she feels safe.

I think the best way to have playdates is to have people over at your house, moms with kids. Or to join your child on the playdate. That way BOTH parents are present, and you have some adult social time while the kids are playing.

Another option is to get involved in a church, because they have activities for the kids as well as Sunday School times. Our church has family activites where the adults AND the kids have fun together. You get to know other families, so you would then feel safe letting your children play with them.

If there's a ymca nearby, your daughter could take tumbling lessons or swim lessons or something at the Y. You will get a chance to meet some of the parents, and she will have the opportunity to meet and do things with other kids.

Honestly, the people who injure our children tend to be people whom we trust -- who else would we give access ? -- but that doesn't mean you should assume the people whom you don't trust are safe. it just means that you have to pay attention all the time, and listen to you kids so you know when something doesn't feel "right".

I think we all vacillate between being too trusting and being too protective. All we can really do as parents is to do our best, not someone else's best. and we can do only the best we can for the day at hand, with the energy and information we have at the time. So don't get down on yourself for being unsure. Just do your best, and love your kids.

I remember the first time my son had an invite to a friends house whose family we really didn't know. We had the same concerns you are having and how hard it was to ask! Not wanting to offend the family I asked politely and probably timid about smoking, weapons, tv/video game choices. The mom was actually happy that we did ask, which lead into a nice discussion and a growing friendship. And if you are ever in the situation to have a play date at your house with someone in your shoes now, volunteer the info. "We'd like to have _____ over to play.Just wanted to put you at ease we don't smoke, tv is monitored, there are/are not guns, etc" (you get the idea).
Hope she and you may find wonderful friends through your "date". Blessings ~ J.

Kristi,
When my son was beginning to have playdates (nursery school and preschool) it was very normal for a mom (me or the other mom) the first time to say "Is it OK if I stay for a little bit to see how he/she does? This is his/her first playdate" etc. I doubt any other mom (you included!) would have issue with that. Go and see for awhile how she does and if it seems like the kids will be OK. If she seems fine, you can go home for an hour or so. Remember that playdates shouldn't be too long -- maybe 2-3 hrs. I understand, and relate to, your concern about the environment she will be in but as long as it's safe it will be OK. If you have concerns about smoking, guns, pets etc--voice them and ask!
The play date host really doesn't need to share all of your values! She just needs to take good care of the kids. Bring a snack for the kids and decide on a drop off & ick up time in advance. Then return the favor of hosting a playdate at your house.
It's really nice to hook up with some moms that you know and trust and they will most likely end up being around for a few years! :)