Sending My Son to a House I Don't Know

At that age I went in and spent a few minutes talking about boundaries . If they didn't tell me the plans for the time I'd ask. I asked about guns and there feelings about them. If they had guns (only happened once) I asked where they were kept. I asked about how they disciplined. If you don't agree with their way, ask them to call you if play if discipline was needed. I don't think i ever asked about discipline directly but wove it into conversation I just carried on a casual conversation until I felt comfortable leaving. I think we learn much about parents just by observing them in their environment.

And once you've done this a few times it will become routine. Parents are happy to talk about their kids and so was I happy to clue them about my kid.

My son had an invite to go to a hockey game for one of his classmates for a birthday party. I never met his parents before. Ironically we met up at a Walmart before hand, and then had set up a time before the party so I could have my son get to know them and vice versa. The weird part for me was when I went to pick him back up( my son went home on bus with his friend to their house) they all were outside waiting for me to arrive. Dad, mom, their son/ daughter, and my son. I've never had that happen! Luckily for the hockey game one of the other parents who I knew really well took my son with his kid. So I never truly have gotten to know them as the last time I invited their son over they just dropped him off outside my house and never came in. To me, that's bizarre, but I've always went into a parents home for a few minutes to talk to them about time, level of activity, etc.

I'd just stand their and talk to them for a few before leaving.

I guess I'm the odd ball mom that doesn't think this is a big deal. I mean, how long do you have to "know" them before you are comfortable with them keeping your kid for a couple hours? I would call beforehand and talk over the phone, ask the right questions, are there guns in the house, will they have access to internet, are there other kids in the house, pit-bulls, will you be going anywhere, etc. Then when I drop him off I would say in front of him to call you if you want to come home early. He's old enough to know if he likes it there or not and will be able to tell you if something weird happened while he was there. I guess just put your spidey senses out and you will know if it's ok or not. JMO. Good luck.

I would go to the play date and hang around chatting with the parent a bit. This happens naturally with kids so young, surely the Mom didn't just literally drop the child in front of your home and leave. If she did, to me that would be a bit of a red flag.

While your having that causal conversation in their home you will learn a lot. The environment, whether or not they have dogs and how they behave, how adults interact with the kids, whether or not there are older kids or extended family living there, these questions can be answered by spending a little time there. The only really direct question you might ask is if they have guns and if so how they are stored. The answer to this question will give you some insight as well.

If you feel comfortable after a short chat then leave, if you don't then don't.

Here's how I see it. During those brief conversations, you should have been able to determine whether these are people who are not alcoholics or drug addicts. At drop-off you will be able to see how they keep their home. That should be all you need to know. Because no matter how long you talk to them, you are NOT going to know that they aren't pedophiles or whatever else you may be afraid of. After all, if all the Catholics in the world did not know that a good percentage of priests were/are pedophiles, how do you expect that you will be able to figure that out during a couple of hours in someone's home.

I say go to the door with your child; go in, take a brief look around, and then leave either with or without your child.

i don't think you're being weird, and i certainly don't think you should lie about it in order to wiggle out of it as some suggest. i like marda's approach. it will almost certainly feel awkward at first, but keep in mind that you're not only within your rights, you're setting a great precedent by simply clarifying everything up front. and most parents will appreciate it.
if they're offended by it, you don't WANT your kid there, right?
so don't just drop him at the door. knock, stand there confidently, smiling and assuming you'll be invited in. you almost certainly will. if not, say something like 'may i chat with you for just a few minutes? we haven't yet had a chance to get up to speed with each other's house rules and so forth, and i just want to make sure we're on the same page.'
she may be taken aback, so don't be offended if she's flustered, just keep smiling and let her gain her composure, and have a brief but comprehensive set of quick questions in mind. and sometimes it helps if you start with 'what we do' rather than 'what do you do', ie 'just so you know, we are a gun-owning family but our guns are locked in a safe and the key is well out of reach. what's your gun policy?' or 'our pool has a locked gate around it but i still don't let the kids this age out in the backyard without me, just in case. is there a pool here?' or 'dallas can have an hour of video games per day, but we're fairly tight about which ones he can play. were you planning to have them play video games today or will they be outside?'
i also think it's okay to ask to stay, and their response will tell you volumes. again, if she's a little flustered i wouldn't hold it against her, but if she's pissy or resentful, well, that will make for an awkward few minutes, but again it will give you a clear answer on any further time spent with them.
but i'll bet it's fine. if she's planning on a playdate anyway, you saying 'i'm happy to have a chance to get to know you. i've brought some irish soda bread, and was hoping we could chat over a cup of coffee while the boys play.' if that feels too much like an ambush, call her beforehand with 'dallas can be a little shy in a new place. would it be okay if i hang out with you while they play a time or two while he gets comfortable there?'
however you choose to handle it, bee, don't worry about being out of line for taking a firm stance.
khairete
S.

I think it's weird that they just dropped him off and left without knowing you, but maybe he is the last of 6 kids and they are completely relaxed by now. Not sure.

I wouldn't drop my kids off anywhere without going inside and speaking to the parents. I don't need a tour of the house, but I want to exchange numbers, meet them, and I never go too far from them. I've even had friends come drop their kid off then we get to talking and two hours later the play date is over. That's not weird to me either.

You're not being weird to want to know them and their house. The only problem I see is that you didn't give them any info about your house/rules up front or ask them anything about their child's needs, style, etc. So you didn't really address this at the time he came to your house, so you have to be really careful now. Otherwise it sounds like a double standard - "Of course you could trust me, but I'm not sure I can trust you."

So I think you say to them, "You know, we really don't know each other at all but I am so happy that our boys seem to be friends. I really should have asked you more about your son before he came to my house, and I should have shared some info about myself. I should have talked to you about supervision and safety, and I'm sorry I didn't do that. Can we do that now and get better acquainted?" Then you ask whatever the hard questions are that you want answers to. You share the info about your child - how he responds best, how he behaves best (to make it easier for them, you explain), what prompts he needs to clean up or whatever else is needed. Then you ask about their style, and yes, about guns or playing in the street or whatever else is on your mind.

I think if you just said "Is it ok that I stay for a while to make sure he's ok?" she'd probably be fine with that. I don't know she would be ok to have you stay the whole time .. possibly not.

Usually if you talk for about ten minutes, it's enough time to share information. If it you don't feel comfortable, then I would keep it short and say where it's his first visit over to their house, you'll be back in an hour.

Did you invite her in? I guess if she didn't want to stay at your house she might be a little funny having you stay. I still think it's fine for you to ask to stay for a while, but I would ask beforehand so that she's not put on the spot.

Good luck :)

I usually deflect a little bit by suggesting that we meet at a playground instead of dropping at their house. Then it is less awkward if I stay, and I can get to know the other parent at least a little.

If they say no to meeting at a park, I'd go with the approach below where you tell her in advance that you'd like to stay for a bit to make sure he's ok, since it's his first time at their house.

Heck no. My kids are little too, youngest is in kindergarten, older is in 1st, oldest is in 3rd. Only my 3rd grader gets dropped off to her friend's house whose mom I know very well. The kids my younger kids know from school are their school friends or yard friends, but they do not come in our house, and mine don't go in theirs. All us informal neighborhood moms agreed that was best. I don't know who has Grand Theft Auto in their rooms or guns in the house or alcoholic grandparents smoking and cussing indoors (we live in sort of a rough town :) And I certainly don't need anymore kids in here than just my own three....I'd get to know the parents FOR SURE before dropping anyone off anywhere.

I think it really depends on how old the kids are. For a playdate between ages 3-5, I would expect as a host to be watching them closely and possibly providing activities, so it wouldn't bother me at all if the mom stayed to hang out and keep me company during the whole thing. Since many kids that age aren't yet comfortable enough to be on their own in a new place it is pretty much accepted that a playdate for kids that young also equals playdate for parents.

But older than that, around age 6... I would not expect to be involved in what the two playmates were doing, so it might annoy me if the parent expected to stay the whole time, because I would have probably planned on doing other "non-playdate related" things while my kid was occupied with the friend.

So, a kindergartener is right in the crossover range of the two scenarios I mentioned above. I think it's okay if you say you'd like to stick around for awhile at first to see how he does, and then stay as long as you feel comfortable. You might find the mom is enjoying your company and you two are having some nice chat time while the kids are playing, or you might find that your kid and his buddy are fine and the mom seems to have chores she wants to do or something. I would balance your sensitivity to that, with your own evaluation of how comfortable your kiddo seems, and act accordingly. Either way, maybe you can duck out at a certain point once you feel like it's all good, even if it's only for the last 20 minutes. Just to know you did it :)

I've always been somewhat surprised at people who dropped off their kids at our house without knowing us first. The only ones who seemed concerned about this tended to be the families who lived in sketchier areas. I've told parents who wanted to stay that they were welcome and only one person ever took me up on this. I don't have this much of a problem on my end because a lot of families don't tend to reciprocate the play dates. (A separate issue.)

K is the age the kids start having playdates without mom and dad. Being this far into the year most kids start to know one another and you start to know the families. My son has been on playdates and parties where I do not really know the families. We have always spent a couple minutes talking with the parents, even now, when I drop my son off just to check in. Most of the children my son plays with are good kids and the parents have reasonable expectations of their children.

No, you are not being weird. I don't believe or feel comfortable dropping my kid off to a house I've never been in or know the family well.

I'd suggest to the mom the paydate take place at a local park/mall play area/fun kid restaurant w/play area. If she balks, say he can't make it to this playdate b/c you forgot you have xyz. Then in a few days YOU suggest a playdate at the local outdoor mall/indoor play area!!!

Again, do not let him go by himself. You are your son's protector & you never know what another family is like. Better to err on the side of cautiong. Kudos to you for listening to your gut.

Better a missed playdate than a physical effect.

Be honest about it. I'd email or call and let her know you like to stay and visit during a playdate when it's at a new house. Tell her you will bring some tea and maybe they can chat. If you feel comfortable after 30 min or so, run an errand. I did that many times and had many moms do the same. It wasn't an issue for us at all. I was always surprised more by drop-offs at that age. Once we had someone drop-off their child from the car, in the driveway. They pulled away before she was fully in the house and didn't wait and wave or anything to make sure I was there. I was floored.

Well I have to know the parents before I drop my kids off. I have held to this. I have 3 kids. 15 yrs, 11 and 8 yrs. I am friends with most my Ikids friends parents some I am just acquitances. My feeling is I have to feel comfortable. There has been a few times the families weren't the type of people I would be attracted to hang out with. Good luck.

When my boys were in kindergarten I just dropped off. I generally knew the parents well enough from seeing them at the school or at the playground. I actually find that getting to know the child is the best indicator of what the family and home are like. If the child comes to my home and is well behaved and well mannered I generally trust the parenting of that child. Drop off is the standard procedure where I am from. In this country we don't have the same gun culture as you do, so weapons in the house isn't really a big concern, and I am pretty liberal about what my kids watch and games they play. If you feel uncomfortable with doing drop off why not make a playdate with the mom to meet at the playground so you can chat with her and feel her out?

Your son is on the young side. I would definitely let them know that I would be staying.

If and when you do drop him off at someone's house, make sure you ask about guns in the home along with any other safety concerns (swimming pools) etc..

I don't do playdates like this at all and I think it's weird for parents to do this.

We always do playdates in a public place and all parents stay. If I know a family I let the kids go over but if I don't know that parent as a personal friend I don't let the kids go.

Now, that said. The kids are older and I let them go do playdates where I just know the parents from seeing them at school and games and stuff. But a kindergartner? Not going to happen.

What if I went to pick up my child and they said they broke their 52 inch screen TV? I'd never be able to afford paying for that plus how do I know they even had one or that it wasn't already broke before my kiddo got there? If you can't feel comfortable with them then don't let him go. But do expect the friendship to fizzle out. They won't like that you didn't let him come over there.