Play Dates - Philadelphia,PA

My house is small, so I rarely offer to have people over. One of my friends likes to host, so we usually go to her house. Maybe they dont realize you would like to?

I hear you on this! This is my perspective. I'm happy to invite families over for the first play date, but I do expect us to be asked the second time, and I make that sort of clear. If we have all had fun, at the end I say something like, "we had a really fun time with you and would love to play again, just give us a call when you are free." That way they know you are interested in seeing them again and that when they invite you, you will accept. I don't care if we are invited to their home or a park, what ever is easiest for their mom.

From my life experience, I'm at a point where I have to have those friendships reciprocated, and if they are not, I don't want to be in them. In my 20s, I was the one who usually did the calling. Now that I'm older, I'm happy having a smaller group of friends, but a better group of friends.

In fact, we invited my daughters favorite friend from preschool over for a play date early in the summer, along with her younger brother (who is my son's age) and older sister. They had a great time and their mom and I had a good time talking also. I was optamistic about this friendship when they left. The mom even said, we'll call you next, we had so much fun. So the summer went on and there was no contact, and my daughter had so much fun she really wanted us to call them right back and invite them over again. I took this as an opportunity to teach her that friendships have to be both ways, and if they want to be friends with us too they will call.

So I just got an email from the mom yesterday inviting us for a playdate before school starts up again and we were happy to accept. My daughter can't wait.

You may loose touch with some people, but I think it's a good (and hard) lesson to learn, friendships have to go both ways. I wish I had learned that earlier in my life!

I'm afraid I'm guilty of not reciprocating playdates. Frankly, I'm embarrassed off my house. It is small, outdated, and our furniture has gotten a bit shabby. We don't have the money to fix it up, so it is what it is. My children go to a Catholic school with a lot of well-to-do families. We have been to some very nice, upscale homes. These mothers are clearly proud of their homes and belongings and I'm afraid they would look down on me for the way my house is. I need to work on getting past these feelings and have decided to invite one friend over for a play date next week. She will probably be shocked that I'm inviting them!

Here are some Maybes..

Because you have 3 kids and she only has 1. (My house is only 2 bedrooms and 1 bathroom, I am going to guess yours is larger?)

Because some people do not know how to entertain.. They worry, about snacks, and will people have fun..

Because your house is nice and hers looks like a college apt..

Because she has super expensive stuff with a lot of rules and is worried what 3 boys could accidently break,

Because she just loves your set up and the way you so graciously and naturally are a hostess and she could never live up to that.

None of the above are excuses, but not everyone is a natural hostess..

We literally live in the smallest house on our street. We did not have a lot of toys, Our daughter loved books, so I our backyard did not have a play scape.. Our daughters bedroom was small, only about 4 adults can sit comfortably in our living room.. There is literally no way kids can run in our house. Our bathroom was small our kitchen only 1 person can be in there at a time..

In exchange, I ALWAYS took snacks, drinks, and or adult beverages to our neighbors homes when we were invited over. I would call and ask what was needed or wanted. . I did host a few events outside for the whole neighborhood, but they were few and far between.

k

I don't think that you are doing anything wrong. Some people just don't like having others over for company. I am one of those people. I invite friends to meet us at the park, museums, play places etc. but I don't do my house because of several reasons. I think if you are having people over, they are happy and wanting to be around you--your not doing anything wrong. Everyone has different ways of having playdates.GL

M

Since people keep coming to your house it is obviously not you or your boys:0). My bet is they are messy house keepers or are in some way embarrassed by their home. Perhaps it is outdated or mismatched.
I personally love to entertain and am always the one volunteering my home for home room mom meetings etc. Three of theses moms have told me they would be embarrassed for me to see their home although I know they live in very nice developments. I admit I love my house and think it is really nice with lots of custom detailing. Additionally, I am a glass artist so I think I have a lot of really cool pieces (42 actually) hanging throughout my house:0). JMO however.
Definitely do not take it personally.

I'm NOT saying this is the case for you. But for me, I've avoided inviting quite a few kids/moms over to our house. I have to say that when they have come, many have been rough around my younger child, they've broken toys, broken other items in my house, run through the house like it's a playground, and literally torn my house apart. Recently, an older child starting kicking a ball around inside the house. Although it was only a beach ball, he was able to kick it hard enough to knock one of my fragile collectibles off a high shelf. And I can't believe how oblivious most of their parents are. They don't say a word!

It could be any of the reasons listed so far. For me, I really do try to reciprocate, but we do have a small house and I'm a slob! I do a great job cleaning when we are having a playdate, but I'm terrible on a daily basis.

When I started the play group with two other gals, we each had one child. All three kids turned 2 that year. Now they are starting kindergarten and all have a younger brother (huh, we all had boys). It's a bit harder with so many kids. If it's nice out, we have a great back yard. But it can get pretty crowded in our house.

People have lots of reasons. Just keep being a great hostess and try not to take it personally. Life is too short!

Hi, H.:

Ask them. They will appreciate your honesty.

Good Luck. I know it takes extreme amount of courage to do this.

D.

Maybe they just feel like their houses are too small/don't have enough toys to accomodate three extra boys without fights. If their kids are older, maybe they no longer child proof well enough for a two year old. (Does he still mouth things?) Maybe they're just too messy, or have pets that couldn't handle the additional kids. Maybe they are in a bad way and can't afford to provide snacks for everybody. Maybe one of your boys isn't as well behaved as you think, is hitting or something when no one is looking, and they haven't brought it up with you. You'll never know till you ask them :)

That is wonderful to hear about your children. I think it is wonderful to that you are so open and giving with your "home". But it is hard to say why the invites aren't reciprocated.

Consider having more playdates at the park though so you don't "cop" a resentment--not saying you would. But I know that if I entertained at my home all the time and it wasn't ever reciprocated, I may feel a tad slighted. If someone has a small home, we have at least been invited over--on our way to the public park,pool, or whatever.

Personally, if someone invites "my kids" over to their home, I feel an obligation to reciprocate the invite within a week or two. If kids become unruly, I step in and correct them. Like yesterday, a boy popped over. He's about 4 years older than my son and I felt like he was kind of bossing and pushing my son around. So, I said..."Hey boys, it's lunch time in 5 minutes." The guest said "He will be leaving soon." I laughed inside and said, "Son, time to wash-up. Please walk your guest to the door and thank him for stopping by. He can visit again sometime." :-)

I read "SweetChaos's" response and I understand completely with her feelings. We live in a nice area too but my home is not updated. But you know what...if someone doesn't value "us" because we don't live in the nicest home or have the most current toys, I don't want to be around them ! I am not like that-- and I teach my children that character, kindness, values and integrity are what matters...not things.

If I am ashamed...I pass that on to my kids and I don't want that. We live in the house we can afford and we drive the car we can afford. But I'm digressing...

I don't have anyone over anymore. I used to have our singing group over every couple of weeks for practice and had Pampered Chef parties, Tupperware, etc... then it blew up in my face.

I have had an awful menopause. I will bleed for months then stop for years then bleed for a week then again in a week for a year again. It stinks.

I was almost hemorrhaging and had been to the ER due to dizziness and not feeling strong. I went to church and had a big dizzy spell. I asked my hubby to take me to the ER again and we had a friend take responsibility for the kiddos. She got a ride to our house and the "friend who gave her a ride came in too. The friend who gave her the ride called child welfare on me because my trash can was full. We had been running late and it had a pull up that fell out on the floor. Disgusting? Yes, worth calling child welfare? Not even. They came the next day and of course the trash had been taken out and the floor had been mopped. They found not cause for concern and sat and visited, comparing menopause stories, for about an hour. But to this day I don't let people come in my house.

Who knows for sure. I live in a tiny place, so I never invite ppl to my house, I try to meet out or go to their houses. I feel really bad about it. Maybe that is the case with one of your friends?

I have a friend with the big house and the kids have EVERY toy in the world. I don't prefer to host them here because my house is small and we don't have every toy. I am certain they would be bored out of their minds and I don't want my kids to feel inferior. I do invite other kids who don't have so much. I am also not crazy about kids who run around shooting Nerf guns through their house. I don't let my kids do this, but I don't want to be the mean Mommy to the kids who are visiting here. I don't invite THOSE kids over. Just some ideas....maybe these aren't the reasons. I think some people just don't like to have extra kids in their house. I do have kids over often but I also breathe a huge sigh of relief when they go home! haha! Sorry, but it's true! I would rather take someone's kids to the zoo or to the Children's Museum than have them running wild through my home! And so I do that kind of thing more often...

I think that other Moms are afraid your kids will be bored at their house because there is not as much to do. That is the case with a neighbor of mine. They have a great big backyard with a swing set and all kinds of things for kids and we have a smaller backyard on a slope... I did mention to her how I feel because I felt bad- and she said that her kids would be fine, they always like something different. So now I do have them over, but I always pick up a cheap craft or something at the dollar store to have on hand and it works out fine. I wouldn't take it personally but I can understand your frustration. Maybe have your child ask if they can go to their house next time at the end of the playdate:)

My guess would be that it seems to work so well at your house, no one else feels the need. The environment you describe is pretty rare, and lots of people can't swing it. I can't deal with hosting kids, and have only had kids over here if they were visiting from out of town with adult friends! My kids don't even go to play dates because I know I wouldn't reciprocate and can't start hosting them here. We are social out and about and in their classes.

My friend is one of those people who is awesome at having other kids over, and always has other kids over. I have invited her to come by, because we have been there several times, but she never does. She's more comfortable in her home base hosting, than taking all her kids out.

Maybe people have gotten stuck in this rut and have no idea you'd LIKE to to go to other houses instead. Maybe start dropping some hints like, "We'd love to come to your house next time!" when saying good bye.

It's probably just because you have 3 kids- a mom setting up that playdate probably feels intimidated by having them all over especially if it's a drop-off playdate. Definitely offer assurances that you will be there to help manage the kids. I am surprised, however, that your friend has not invited you over because by this point she should be familiar with your boys and feel confident to have them over.

Have you asked when you guys get to go to their house to play? There could be many reasons. Maybe their house is too small, not enough time to keep it clean, used to going to your place, haven't thought about returning the favor, prefer just going to your house so they won't have to deal with hosting and cleaning up, has pets, has a husband not that pleasant. It could be anything. I don't think right now the question should be why don't we get invited. The question hasn't been posed and sometimes you just have to ask. If you're denied then I'd ask them why not because it's fun and fair to swap houses. If there's a problem with always having play dates at your house or want to catch a break you can go to a park or to a mall with a play area, or even to a McDonald's with a play area.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

H.,

I've got the same problem. One or two of our playdate friends reciprocate, and we've held tight to those friends. A change of scenery over the summer is great for our kids.

But when my daughter was attending half-day kindergarten last year, we invited at least seven different classmates at varying times of the year. Only one of them asked her to come to their house in return. My daughter is well-liked and extremely well mannered. I couldn't figure it out. I still cant. Perhaps this school year will be different. Perhaps not.

I wish I had an answer for you, but I'm in your same boat. Good luck this year!