Hi ladies, I have an unusual situation and I’d love to hear your advice/input. My husband and I live with my parents right now (financially it works for us, and my parents have the extra room and like having the grandkids so close after we lived out-of-state for the past three years). Our two kids are 8 and 6. We moved here just last year, and my kids have had a few play dates (either at the park or other people's houses). But we haven’t tried to have any of their friends over here, and I’m wondering if I should try.
Here’s the situation: in addition to living with my parents, my younger brother also lives here. He is a sweet guy, but probably a little off-putting if you don’t know him. He is mentally and physically disabled due to a cancerous brain tumor at the age of 6. He is 20, but mentally he is like a 10-year-old. He usually sits in the living room and watches TV (cartoons mostly) and plays his Gameboy. He is harmless, but again, I’m not sure how parents will react to having their kids over when he’s in the living room. Especially since he’s a little socially awkward and can seem strange to someone who doesn’t know him.
So, what do you think? Does it impose on my parents to invite friends over for a play date (as long as I ask them first, of course, out of common courtesy)? Would you be off-put if you came over and saw a socially-awkward 20-year-old boy in the living room watching cartoons and playing video games? And if I say that we can’t reciprocate play dates because I live with my parents, does that sound reasonable or like a lame excuse? I’d really like to be able to have people over, but I’m not sure how to handle it (or if I should even try). Thanks!
Thanks everyone for the responses! I guess, upon reflection of my situation, I am not worried about what other parents think of my brother so much as I don't know how comfortable my parents will be with inviting other kids to our house. I did wonder about people's reactions to my brother, however, not because he embarrasses me, but because I know how protective mothers are of their children (as I am with mine) and I wasn't sure if I should be worried or not. But it sounds like as long as I am honest with the parent ahead of time, it shouldn't be a big deal at all.
The much bigger concern for me is whether my parents would be okay with it. I don't want to put any added stress on them, but I do want the kids to have friends over occasionally. I'll talk to them soon about it; and until then I like the idea of suggesting play dates at parks or other locations. Thanks again for your input, ladies!
I think all playdates should be on neutral ground. Too much can happen in someones homes such as accidental breaking of items or a pee or pooh accident. Have the playdates at a park or play room.
I would meet at a park or McDonalds. It would make me uncomfortable enough to have a man(even disabled) hanging around that I would not allow my child to stay. Also, when I am getting to know a M., I prefer not to meet the grandparents as well. Moms can't relax and share with a bunch of other people there.
Of course, check with your parents first to be sure they are alright with it, but I would suggest explaining the situation to the mom, then invite her to
have coffee with you and your parents (since they will probably be home while the "play dates" are occurring and they all need to know one another anyway) while the kiddos are playing and let her have a chance to meet your brother and get to understand him and his situation. Be prepared to answer, in child level language, any questions her little ones may have about "Uncle Jim" and try to do so as nonchalantly as possible. The kids can sense when an adult is uncomfortable speaking about things....but they are usually beautifully receptive to differences in people as long as no "big deal" is made about those differences. My grandchildren have an uncle in his mid-twenties who suffered brain injury when he was struck by a car as a young child. They go on about their business playing as if he was no different than anyone else because the adults treat him the same as everyone else. They don't make a big deal about his uniqueness.
We do a lot of play dates. I intentionally set them up for places other than our houses. Mostly because when kids get together and get excited they pull out everything and make a big mess. It also makes things harder...cleaning up and preparing for company. A play date at someone's house can turn a social event into work. :) So, if you WANT to have people over, just be honest about your situation and prepare your guest. Also prepare you house for the impending company. If you aren't comfortable with the company coming to your in-laws, again I'd just be honest. "My house isn't the best place for play dates, we live with extended family. I'd love to reciprocate though. How about we do X? I'll make the arrangements". And just like a play date at your house, I'd bring the snack or pack a lunch. For our play dates I know of a lot of free entertainment, do a google search for your area, you may be surprised. We meet at parks and free play places. Churches often have fantastic play areas open to the public. Sometimes we set things up for the zoo or museum. GL!
Tell the mother the truth. Your brother is mentally handicapped and socially awkward not good at saying the right things. If people are friendly to him he will feel less intimidated.
Yes tell your parents. Warm weather is coming soon so you can choose indoor or outdoor activities for the children.
Hi,
The reason others, especially kids, think a special needs person is weird is because they've neve had the opportunity to interact with anyone who has special needs. If everyone is comfortable with having other kids over this could be a wonderful opportunity for some education. I wonder if your brother would be open to interacting with the kids. You could host the parents over for the first time as well, to dispel any negative or misinformed ideas they might pass on to their kids otherwise. Avoiding the playdates seems like such a shame. It might even send the message that you are ashamed of your brother and he should be kept far away from everyone, (which I can tell you are not). I'm not saying he should be part of the playdate, just actively recognized as part of the family living in the home by anyone who visits. I can see your family making some very good respectful and non-judgemental friends out of this situation.
Good luck.
If your children have been to other homes to play then you should reciprocate - I am sure your children would love to have their friends over. You live with your parents, hubby, children, your brother - Um, if someone has a problem with that then it is their problem. Tell the other Moms up front that you live with family, and tell them that when they meet your brother he will be awkward because he has TBI due to cancer - again, if they have a problem with it, that is their problem. Your brother should not be excluded because he has TBI. Heck, he may enjoy company also. So introduce everyone to your brother - let him join the social circle :P
If having the childrens' friends over, and roaming the house, makes you nervous, then plan out-door activities - a BBQ, badminton, soccer, etc. But do allow for the fact that kids get bored and may want to come in and roam the house no matter what you plan. Of course, you should check with your Mom - but assure her that she will not have to lift a finger, you will do all the prep and clean up.
Have a fun time entertaining. I think your family sounds lovely and anyone should be thrilled to hang out with you all.
God Bless
Start with asking your parents are they okay with play dates at the house or would they rather you continue at the park.
If they say ok at the house then just warn the other Mom's by being frank about your brother before they accept a play date. I would hope in todays world people are a little more relaxed about people's "differences" and feel good about their children being exposed to the real world in small doses.
Hi there. Just wanted to add that your brother actually doesn't sound that much different than other 20 yr olds I know. My brother is 20 and still lives at home, still plays video games all day and doesn't like to socially interact with people. And he is not mentally handicapped, he's just a lazy bum! LOL. His friends are like that too. So it's really not that uncommon these days. Kids are just not as ambitious as we were when we were young. I don't think the kids will even notice his age or question it. Even 8 & 10 year olds. They might enjoy playing games with him. I honestly don't think the kids or kid will even question it. But I agree with everyone, that you should let the moms know up front just in case they are not comfortable with it. Which btw is lame, because I'm sure he's a great guy, just quiet :) But It is respectful to advise them. And let them know the kids will never be alone with anyone in the house (him or your parents) that you will always be there supervising everything. I know I would feel good with that. Don't take it in a negative way if they ask alot of questions. I'm super paranoid about my daughter going to new places without me for playdates. It's not personal at all, don't be offended, just until they really get to know you and your family and feel comfortable knowing you really well. It's a scary world out there and we are all just trying to protect our kids from the bad things and people in life. It's better to be really paranoid than something happen to our babies. At least that's my thought on it.. :) Good luck to you!
I think that you're right to be consciencious on all fronts.
Just be matter-of-fact with the kids about your brother. The friends of your 6 year old probably won't even take notice. The friends of the 8 year old might. You just need to say (if they ask a question): "my brother was very sick when he was younger, and part of his brain got hurt." Keep it simple.
I also think that it's not a bad thing for typically developing kids to meet and interact with disabled people - peers or adults. It's a good thing to see that we're all not the same & that's ok.
You can try having a play date however, I think it is important that you let the parents know that your parents and physically disabled brother will be at your home.
As a parent I prefer to have an option to say yes or no in relation to my child in regards to who I allow my child to be around for safety reasons (my statement is not in relation to your brother but any person).
It's one thing if you're inviting ONE friend over for your kids to play board games, arts and crafts, etc. types of things. If you are planning on inviting over more kids who are going to be active , I think if the kids are running around in the backyard and basically playing outside it should be fine.
It sounds like your parents are very generous, loving people. I wouldn't want to put anymore stress or strain on them.
Otherwise invite some friends for a day at the park and YOU pack the picnic for everyone to share, or play hostess to a McDonald's playdate or organize an outing to the zoo.
I think it's completely understandable if you don't have people over to your parents house for a playdate (esp if you call it "my parents house" not "our house") since you really don't have space to "entertain". I don't think you need to make excuses, however I do think that you have the responsibility to try to reciprocate in some way.
Basically I think that people enjoy "hosting" friends and their kids for playdates, but I also think that honestly they really appreciate getting out of their house too or having the kids taken off their hands for an hour or so in return. I wouldn't say people EXPECT it, but in reality, I think we should all "return favors".
So my best advice is to organize or even pay for an occasional outing OUT of your parents house. That's what you can do to return the favor.
I feel your pain! We've lived with my in-laws twice in the past, one time during my pregnancy and the first 10 months of my son's life. And one of both of my younger sister in laws lived there too. We didn't have an abundance of extra space so it was stressful.
I was very hesitant to have people over during that time, the couple times I did, it was just one friend and kid at a time. The harder part for me, was that I didn't feel like I was in my own space which makes me feel kind of inadequate as an adult (I am a big personal space person)
I say, try it out. Explain to your friends before hand maybe so they aren't caught off guard and maybe keep it small. I don't think I would be bothered if I knew what to expect beforehand. I don't think if you choose not to that it sounds lame-it's a totally understandable situation.
My in-laws are trying to get us to move back in with them, which despite my knowing better is tempting to save money to build a house. But I too am afraid of not having that freedom to have people over, etc.
Just explain the situation first, see how people receive it and that should give you an idea of whether or not they want to come over. Try it out if you get good feedback and just take the plunge and see how it goes. I started hosting playdates now that we have our own place and I was nervous at first because I have a smaller house than many in the group. But it's worked out great.
I wouldn't personally find it off-putting but I would appreciate being told in advance about your brother and your living situation with your parents so that I could tell my children that your brother will be there (and your parents), that he is disabled and therefore a bit socially awkward, just so that everyone could be prepared and comfortable with the situation.
The bottom line is: instead of wondering if you can have play-dates or not, is simply to ask your Parents, if they mind?
After all, all kids like to invite their friends over.
I am sure your parents, as adults and having been parents themselves, can understand.
Just ask them.
Otherwise you will keep wondering about it and never know.
My Mom lives with us. So because of that, because SHE lives here too... I always, just out of manners, check with her and her calendar... and tell her that I am 'thinking' of having a play-date at our house on such and such date. So, if she does not mind (sometimes she likes quiet on her days off too), she can just stay home or go out and make her own plans too. But I always tell her, she is "welcomed" to join in too. She also gets along with the parents of my kids' friends. So, I leave it up to her. BUT, I always give her a head's up about what I am thinking and planning.
That is just, out of courtesy and respect.
I would be put off if I had your child over and you never asked my child back.
If it is oK with you parents, yes, have play dates, but what about going to a local park or the back yard for part of the time.
About your brother, be honest. Every family has problems and nice people
will understand if you explain it all first.
I just wanted to address the question about your brother. At my friend's preschool in RI, they have a handicap young man in a wheelchair with a voice box as a teachers aide. He comes in every week and reads a book to the kids. The kids asked lots of questions first which were answered respectfully and in a matter of fact way and now it's totally normal. My friend is glad her boy is exposed to different type of people. If you feel your brother and you would be up to some initial questioning then I would not worry. Especially if the kids who come are regulars. :)
Many moms I know don't host playdates at their homes for various reasons, such as a too-small condo, etc. I agree that it is easier to do a playdate in a neutral place like a park - lots of space, no territorial issues, and plenty of fresh air. Just invite, host, and organize (a potluck lunch or early dinner is a good thing too) and I'm sure your mom friends and their kids will be appreciative!
Hello, First, I would talk to your parents about how they feel about having play dates there. They will probably be fine with it. Then if your children want to have their friends over, talk to the parents of those children. Explain about your brother and hopefully, they will understand that he isn't a problem. It is good for children to see that we are not all exactly alike.
Good luck with your precious family.
K. K.
It sounds like you are embarassed by your brother. i'd invite. If he isn't creepy lurker the kids aren't going to care. and the parents wont either. Everyone has a person with "issues' in their family.
