Patience...

Wow, I hear you! I have a boy who is 7 and very similar behavior. especially now that school is back in. The best thing I have found to help with him is individual attention. I've tried taking him to a movie. He likes this, but there is not any conversation and attention. What works even better is when Just play a game with him, or help him with a project. It makes a world of difference the next day!

On a side note, if you are still looking for work, I have a GREAT JOB!

M. Wilson
Sales Director
The Pampered Chef
###-###-####
###-###-####
____@____.com
www.pamperedchef.biz/melodywilson

S.,

I can totally relate to you, though I am a single mother of three children .. Mine are 11, 7, and 4. My 11 yr old will not talk about her feelings except she hates her brother and sister. And my 7 yr old has ODD, and is very much like your oldest, and the 4 yr old has ADHD and he will not leave my side. It is nice to know that there is another mother out there going threw the same things as I am.

Have you thought about the Best program at SHH? My 7 year old went to that 2 years ago and it helped. I am thinking about getting her back into it for a refresher.

If you would like to chat. I have a yahoo and AIM messanger..

A.

Instead of positive reinforcement you might try some negative reinforcement activities. When our son (6) had some challenging behaviors this summer we tried this program: each morning he would receive 5 pennies from us. Bad behaviors would cost him a penny; the clincher was that after supper if he wanted to watch a movie or something along that line it would cost him 1 or 2 pennies. He quickly came to realize that if he didn't have any pennies left he would not get to do the activities he wanted to.

Whatever pennies he had at the end of the day he would get to keep--you could also use this as a teaching tool. When he had five pennies he could trade those for a nickel. Or he could earn up to a specific number of pennies (again, back to positive reinforcement) for something special. We probably only did it for a month, but it helped him think about his behavior because he really DID NOT want to give his pennies to us.

Good luck with your girls! C. M

Be still and know that I am God, -- this is really helping me to remember that when my kids are driving me nuts to walk away and find a quiet place even if it is just in my head. (very hard to do) it sounds like your eldest needs a little one on one time --hard to do if you are single but if you have a husband or family try to find time -- even if it is you put the others to bed a little earlier and the two of you read -- I read chronicles of narnia to my girl as our time and today she loves reading and remembers doing this --dont get me wrong I still yell and say worng things but I am learning that we parents forget that we can control things not children and sometimes they need to learn to control themselves and entertain themselves and we try to entertain them -- too much

HI S.! What a challenge! I feel for you. Do you know why she is jealous? Is it for the time she thinks she isn't getting attention from you but needs it? Does she perceive that her sisters are getting the attention she needs? Or any number of other things. I think getting to the bottom of that 1st question will be the first step in solving your problem. Although I do not have a 7 year old, I see that my daughter acts out more and negatively when she isn't getting the attention she needs from me (i.e., she gets my attention one way or another). It was a huge challenge for me to work through when I started working. (How do I do all that I need to do and to meet her needs as well?) She all of a sudden would start yelling "no!" for everything I tried to do for her. She wouldn't go to sleep. She woke up alot at night. She wouldn't let me put her down to get anything done. It was exhausting and frustrating. I have had to come up with unique ways that work for her. For my daughter, I found that focusing on her intently and with what she wants to do for even 5 minutes and other times longer depending on how much time I've had for her earlier in the day and earlier in the week goes a very long way (for both of us). When I do that, she will then go and play peacefully and by herself and I can do things with less stress and guilt. We chat in between times but I am able to accomplish what I need. Another trick that has helped for times that I don't have the amount of time that she needs to focus fully on her, I do a 5 minute marathon play session now and again (as needed) and then I ask her to help me with whatever I am doing. She is not at a developmental level to actually be of help to me but when I give her a broom to help me sweep a floor that is already swept or a bowl and spoon to help me stir. She is content and I believe feels that she is included and helping me so we are able to share some less focused quality time (while I accomplish adult things). It was such a relief to me to find these small ways to meet my daughter's needs and still accomplish the adult things I needed. Don't get me wrong. There were(are) times I still needed to be creative about when and how I got these adult things done and I have had to settle on the fact that I would just not be able to dust very often since I have other cleaning issues that are much more important to me than dusting, for example. I also involved my husband in the housekeeping equation. It continues to be a challenge when I feel stressed and pressed for time. I am learning how to deal with this so that it doesn't effect my kids or me as negatively. The more tricks I learn the easier it gets. And, the more I focus and stay connected to my daughter the easier it is to come up with tricks that work. Well, for what its worth that is what worked in my family.

Good luck! J.

My oldest is 3 and jealous of her 6 month old sister as well. I do what I can to provide her with one on one attention. It works for a little bit then she goes back to being whiny, and doing all the things she knows she is not allowed to do. Despite her jealousy, though, she tries to help out and is always there to soothe her sister when she cries (unless she caused her to cry...LOL). But as one mother has already said, try to give individual attention. A movie isn't all that bad, but as mentioned before, there is no communication or connection going on. So try things your child likes...maybe bowling, a sport, a craft class or a fair. The last outing we went on was to a local craft fair. We spent about 3 hours walking around, looking at things and she even got to do a craft herself. It was a blast.

Good luck to you.

I have the same issues. I tell myself that they will be grown before i know it and i will miss them under my feet all the time. I have extreme fatgiue so at times I have no patience or very little because I am so tired. I don't explain why I say or do something as discipline anymore, because I am the mother so they must just follow the rules. I had been to soft on them because of circumstances but now i see I was not do myself or them any favors by being that way. no I realize i must be the mom no matter how tired I am or how bad i feel because they have got hurt in the past. I try not to yell. I tell them to do this or that and they hav eone chance beofre they r grounded. I do not care if they like it or not, discpline isn't supposed to be fun. If you let them win even one argument then u lose control, I learned the hard way, so we have no dicussions or discpline anymore. Good luck! D.

I agree about the one-on-one time that your oldest might need. But, to be quite blunt with you, it seems as though you're giving your daughter the control in the house. Give her the positive attention she needs, but when she acts out, discipline her. Make it clear that you will NOT allow that behavior. Like when you said, "...so then I yell and she listens but she is angry and cries cause I hurt her feelings." The crying seems like a manipulation because she doesn't want to be disciplined. You can't give in that easy, or you won't have the control in your home. Just some observations...

Good luck to you.

Hi S.,
I wanted to add a little to this because I had one heck of a time with my 7 year old son when his sister was born. We tried everything to make sure he felt just as loved. Nothing we did made it any better. So, every Wednesday was just for he and I. He and I would go out to dinner together and talk about him and a little about his sister. It gave him something to look forward to. We continually reminded him that it is not that we love your sister more, it is that she cant dress herself or feed herself like you can. It is up to US to help her just as we did for you when you were a baby. We continually told him that as she grows, she will require less of our attention with such things as feedings, clothing, baths and such. He eventually relaxed, quit throwing fits and acting out. We made him a part of her life by requiring his help with her. She needs to take a bath, can you pick out her clothes for me. That sort of thing. It really, really helped us. I wish you luck and the strength to keep trying.
~MK~

Hi S.,
Wow this could be me talking, but I have found that getting my kids out of the house and running them so that they are not so wound up all the time really helps. Go to the park, a childrens museum ( let them trash that and have someone else clean it up). Keep them away from sugars. Also try to work out some one on one time with each of them, get them envolved with the care and love of that little one. It sounds like you are doing all the right things, make sure to get time out for you through your partner or a friend or family.
Know that it is not ever going to be perfect and raising children is the hardest thing you will ever do. Go get out and be around others. Good luck!