The last 2 days my 5 yr old son has just been the wild child from he((.... It doesn't seem to matter how I talk to him his response is always "I'll listen mmom" and not even 2 seconds later he is back at it with not listening or doing something he knows is not ok. All of it seems to be an attention getter. We are now starting the 3rd day of the same behavior and I am ready to start pulling some hair out. All my punishments so far have been "no t.v., no swimming, no friends, no park, no ice cream, etc." ... the fun stuff. But then I sit back and wonder "geesh.. I am taking away all the fun stuff so maybe thats why he is continuing the unfavorable behavior". But then the other side wonders "I shouldn't take him to the park with all of his friends b/c he has had unruly behavior". I don't know what way is the right way to think. I don't want to reward him for his bad behavior but then again I can not take everything from him. I have done time outs with the nose in the corner, time outs sitting by me, time outs in his room.. Dad calling and talking with him, me talking.. me yelling... me crying. His behavior started out just be annoying everyone (like his sisters and poking at them) to pushing his sister down the stairs (Serious! sorry non spanking parents.. but he was swatted for that 1) (also to add, there were both playing at the top of the stairs and goofing around and he was once again just poking at her and she lost her balance and fell. So, it was his fault in a sense for messing around with her near the stairs but it wasn't like he shoved her down the stairs with the intent for her to fall down the stairs). He has been having lots of problems with boundries, as in stay out of the persons face, no touching, keep your hands to yourself.
I think he is at the boredom stage now b/c I feel like I have taken everything away from him, but as I said above I feel conflicted b/c I don't want to reward him with a trip to the park or somewhere else fun b/c of his behavior but at the same time him sitting here is not helping him either.
Any suggestions. thanks!
Also to note - I am sure I have left things out so if someone points out that I should do this or that I will update and say if I have tried that.
Thanks!
Honestly, when my kids are having a rough day---I try to just love them up even more. Even though they are sometimes not so friendly or nice, I try to just give them more mommy time, or reading books, doing an art project usually gets them out of any funk they are in. Anything to get their mind off of the behavior or whats happening that day. This works well for us--hope you find something too!
M
Bored kids get into trouble. Have you tried super-scheduling him all day? By that, I mean try to have tons of fun activities (kind of the opposite of what you've tried) to keep him engaged and interested. Maybe sign him up for every free or low cost program you can (public library summer program, sports, etc.). Or, plan tons of things to do at home for a day or 2 and see how it goes. Stock up on some cheap craft kits, have him help you make a "kid wash" to drive his bike through outside, playdough, etc. Might be worth a try.
Also, positive reinforcement tends to work better than negative (taking away things). Maybe you can set up a system with him using marbles and a jar where if he goes 10 mins. (an hour, whatever, just start small) without being punished he gets a marble in the jar. After he gets a certain # of marbles (again try to start small) he gets a special surprise...maybe alone time with mom or to go to a movie, etc.
If he wants attention - try giving him attention. I would try doing something (art project, playing catch, whatever he picks) for 1/2 hour or so. Then discuss with him what he wants to do next. He may not be used to the lack of structure. Five is old enough to talk about what he wants to do and what he can do to make the day better. When DS (5) seems to be having one of those awful, everything ends in tears and frustration times we try a do over. I carry him (it's a game) back to bed. Put him in and start over by 'waking him up'. Actually, it's the tickle monster who wakes him up then. Starting over let's him try again with the mindset of having a good/fun day.
Punishing won't teach him how to constructively channel his energy or how to decide what positive choices to make. IMO, taking away everything he likes will just make him more frustrated and angry (does for me and does for DS, YMMV). Plus you are taking away the fun things for you too.
I would also address the basics. Is he getting enough sleep? DS has been getting less because the days are longer so we are outside later. Is he getting enough physical activity? If he was in preschool they were probably running him around outside for at least 30 minutes 3 times a day. Is he hungry when these behaviors happen? Not just an issue for toddlers - I still get grumpy when I am hungry.
Here's to all the parents that think spanking is so mean. We taught our kids through spanking which serious behaviors are simply not allowed AT ALL so they will not succeed in carrying them out. They always have a calm choice to make. Cease the behavior at a warning, or have a consequence if they decide to proceed. Simple. Consistent.
Therefore, at ages 5, 3, and 2, they have NEVER been yelled at, NEVER had anything taken away, never lost a privilege, never left a location for bad behavior, never languished in tantrummy wimpy time outs for hours and hours and days and weeks and months, and almost never need any discipline at all. I take them with me everywhere while dad is almost never home and we have a blast. Therefore, I am positive parenting 99% of the time, complimenting, teaching, loving, complimenting, giving new privileges, but if bad behavior is attempted it WILL be stopped and the habits to keep pushing it never developed. They have no tantrums. They all tried and realized, it's totally not allowed.
Yes, you are making his landscape too negative by taking way so much stuff and addressing these things for so long ineffectively. He is also getting used to being "bad" and you being frustrated about it because he gets away with it. This is whittling his self esteem because he's not quickly moving to right behavior and gaining privileges instead. Correct, you do not want to reward bad behavior.
FIRM UP. One calm warning, real consequence, nip the small things to prevent the big ones, and proceed with your normal life. He will learn to heed just the warning, and then he will be in the habit of being good. He doesn't need these things taken away, he just needs his behavior enforced so he can keep all his privileges.
Now, if this truly is a bad day, like he's always awesome, but he has the flu and is cranky, cuddle him up and all bets are off. But this sounds like behavior stuff to me, not random bad day stuff.
Rather than taking away things (once their "gone" you have no "carrot to dangle"), have him "earn" points towards an outting. This concept of Positive Behaviors Supports basically puts his ability to do things under his control. Come up with a "menu" of activities and attach a "points" value to each activity. Then come up with 4 or 5 specific behaviors he can do to "earn points".
For example, "1 point for doing something the first time I ask w/o complaining"; "1 point for cleaning up your toys without me having to ask"; "1 point for each chore you help me with"; "1 point for going to bed on time without complaining", etc.
Then, have him pick an activity and start charting! The key here is that you cannot take anything away. Once he has earned the point for doing something that you want him to do, DO NOT take them away! The consequence for non-compliance is a lack of response from you. Arguing? Oh well... I guess you won't have enough points to go swimming this afternoon! Your choice, pal.
When my oldest is having a rough day (ie: more naughty/argumentative than normal or weepy/short fused) I know he is either overly tired or fighting off a cold/flu. I make him nap. He argues and fights me on it, but ends up sleeping for 2-3 hours and he's a totally different kid after.
Well I'm sure you tried it....
But I find my kids are most unruly when they need sleep and aren't getting enough.
If sleep isn't the issue, its most about finding out what really bothers him as punishment. My older brother always talks about he could deal with all sorts of punishment, but the worst punishment for him was sending him to his room confined. He said that is what did it for him.
Have you ever heard of "feeding the meter"? Start off your day tomorrow by giving him your attention ,play a game with him BEFORE you try to clean your kitchen, take a shower etc. After spending time with him tell him you have to ...take a shower or clean the kitchen and you'll play again after that.
After 30 minutes go back to pay with him for ten minutes. then 30 minutes for you to do your thing, then ask him to help you for 15 minutes so you can go to the park or whatever. We moms like to get our chores out of the way do well with delayed gratification, you're older you go first.
Instead of taking things away...give him things to do, like chores. I guess the challenge would be to actually get him to do it but you could give it a try.
Keep him w/you at all times and make him help you. Have him help putting meals together, setting the table, clearing the table, cleaning up the kitchen, folding laudnry, putting away the clothes, emptying the dishwasher, raking, weeding in the garden, picking up clothes off the floor, putting away toys, dusting, sweeping, vacuuming - everything! But keep him with you , even if it means you are folding laundry and he is sitting against the wall b/c help you. That might be better than just taking things away.
What a coincidence. I am going through the same thing as we speak. Even more so now that my 5 1/2 yo son has finished pre-k and the structure that it provided. I've tried my best to follow some sort of schedule thinking that is what he is missing. But, not so sure. I am sensing that he is frustrated in general. Almost like he is trying to figure out who he is, he's struggling with self control and limits and boundaries. But, on the other hand, he is smart enough to know that when he is misbehaving or being a real nudge to his 7 1/2 yo sister, that the attention last longer. It's like as soon as she gets off the bus, he is pestering her non-stop but I know he has missed her all day because he said so. Aside from that, I have also tried to focus on one thing or activity that he likes to do and really take the time to concentrate on that solely. No phone, no texting, etc. So, you could say the past few days I have become a really good baseball pitcher. Anyone hiring? Plus, I recognized that all I was doing with him was reprimanding him constantly, constantly saying no, you can't do that, no you shouldn't do that, no you need to do this, no you can't have that. To the point where, I literally made one day the "yes" day. It eased some of the frustration, he was getting his way so to speak which gave him a sense of control and confidence. Mind you, this was all in reasonable requests. When he starts acting up, especially in public or a store, I have started to just stop, look him in the face, and ask him "what is going on?" For my son, it makes him stop too and realize, "yeah, what is going on?" When he can't come up with a specific answer for me he sort of realizes that he's being silly. At least this is what I say to myself and that it HAS to be a stage. I wish you luck.
I have a 5 year old little one also, actually he is a very easy little boy; however, when he has been acting out or misbehaves, it is mostly because he is very tired or hungry. I realized that several of his friends, same age, have tantrums, talk back to their parents and try to push the limits and they go to bed very late at night and wake up early or late in a very bad mood. Noticing this, I observed a little more my son, and besides a consistent discipline and repetition, I scheduled for him better bed times routines and quiet times. Besides that, I usually encourage him to have free play (Legos!), and help with chores (age appropriate)play outdoor (weather permitting) and give him time to play with me, run, go to the pool, go to the library, etc. Sometimes, kids get very fussy and cranky or misbehave because of the lack of good sleep routines and meals, and lack of exercise.
