Open to Suggestions

I T.:
I have raised two teenagers and my way of maintaining presence and a little control over the situation was that I was always the parent who drove everyone everywhere. This gave me a opportunity to know the kids my children were hanging out with and I was doing something that many parents don't want to do. It gave me an opportunity to casually slip in gentle advice occasionally to the group. Because of my life time involvement my adult children and their friends like to spend time with me and my husband.

Though my own child is still too young to know anything about this, I have a niece and nephew that have just gone through all of that. Let him know that it is normal to have this kind of pressure around him, but if he is conifdent in his respnse against whatever it is, the kids will respect him for it. He can plainly state that it's just not for him, but he definitely needs to have the confidence to back it up.

Hi T.,

It is tough to be a single mom but I am glad you are doing your very best. My advice is get your child into activities with all sorts of scholastic achievements. Maybe swimming on a team where the kids have to stay drug free in order to compete.How about music, like being in a band at school. My kids were in all sorts of activities and stayed in school many hours beyond their normal day and all three did not get involved in the drug crowd.
Good kids hang with good kids. Hope this helps!

I am the mother of 3 youngest now 14. Been there and still there. YOu are coming into the hardest years of parenting especially with boys. My son is now 18 and has been through all you mention above. Keep him involved in your life and stay involved in his. Keep him in church and outside activites, sports, clubs what ever he likes. Go to all his events you are allowed to attend. I can't say my son didn't stray a little but we kept close to him and now he about to graduate from high school and already has a job any person can be proud of. But trust me it isn't even over then. My 22 year old.....

I would try to find out more about where this pressure he is feeling comes from if it is not coming from his friends. To be on the safe side I would even see speak to the parents of your sons friends to see if they share your concerns. If you can really eliminate his closest pals as the the ones bringing some of that pressure down maybe you can see if the boys can do group activities after school such as hiking or scouting where they would be supervised but still having a great time with their friends.

You are on the right track with good communications, with church involvment and with positive peers. Go to www.search_institute.org. It has a list of protective factors and risk factors to continue to guide you. He is now at an age where peers become very important. Get to know the parents of his friends so that all of you can work together to keep these young men on target. Keep them structured with positive peer activities. Keep them connected to appropriate adults to supervise them. Monitor tv, computer, phone use and limit tv, movies, music, video games to themes consistent with the values you teach him. I cannot stress how important it is just to talk especially in the car where there are fewer distractions. As he enteres puberty and answers with one word keep asking gentle probing questions to elict what is really going on with him. Boys do need a positive male role model as they mature so encourage a relationship with someone you know to be trustworthy and appropriate.

Its awesome that your communication lines are open. To continue keeping it that way, have you considered doing a bible or book study with him? My husband and son are currently going thru Preparing Your Son for Every Man's Battle. Its geared specifically for our boys at this age. Also, does your son feel connected with his youth group? Its important at this age that he have a godly male influence to help guide him thru these perilous waters.
Blessings to you!

Hi T.!
I have 4 kids...that aren't kids anymore. The youngest one is a senior in high school. After I read your dilemma I discussed this with her. I'm sure you realize that the peer pressure gets stronger as they move through school....some of the peer pressure doesn't even prevent itself as such, so it's even tougher than you can imagine. Like my daughter says, most pressure is just in the fact that seems like everyone is one way...and you want to fit in...so, you do what they're doing. My daughter says that once she started saying "no thanks, I don't drink"..."no, I don't smoke" people really did stop asking her. True, she wasn't invited to all of the parties and didn't really hang out with the in crowd...but everyone knows her and likes her (she even won a superlative-which is a peer vote). A lot of the pressure comes from self. Once they start to stand up for themselves it gets easier and easier. You and your son obviously have a very good relationship or he wouldn't have even discussed this with you. How mature of him to recognize what it is...pressure. With your relationship you can help him be strong. My oldest son succumbed to all the peer pressure and may have even supplied some of the pressure to other students. 2 things I wish I would have done. I wish I would have kept the lines of communication more open...in my defense, I had 3 other kids and I didn't realize what was going on with him because I was so busy with other kids that I thought needed my attention even more. and second, most important, is that I didn't make it clear enough that drugs, drinking, rebellion ....whatever, was not- is not tolerated...no matter what. I thought we did, but in hindsight, we should have been a lot more strict and little less trusting. My 18 year old tells me that she didn't cave in because her dad and I talked to her about these topics and made sure she knew we wouldn't allow it. I knew all of their friends and I encouraged everyone to hang out at our house...and she says mostly, she didn't want to disappoint us. All I am saying is, you are doing the right thing. Talking to him, having a relationship where he can comfortably tell you ANYTHING, and knowing his friends is a huge step in the right direction. Getting involved in sports helps too. My other son was too busy and too health conscious to not take care of himself. Tell him that a "no thanks, I don't do that" will make him feel strong, confident and good about himself....and the more he says it the easier it gets and the less he'll be approached. That's what the kids tell me anyway. Good luck! I do ramble, don't I?!

It definetly sounds like you have an awesome middle schooler. The fact that he is open with you about his concerns is a big plus. I would say continue to keep the communication open and reassure him that you are there for him. You need to let him know that even if he makes a choice that is other than what you would prefer, that you are still there for him. At the point that he feels he is going to be judged or criticized for his choices or for messing up, he will probably stop talking. You can let him know that you will still love him no matter what. I know this sounds like a given, but he needs to hear it from you (more than once). And if he does mess up, you have to be there for him to talk through his choice and what lead to that decision. You don't have to accept it or pretend to, but you want him to come to you and not go to his friends for that comforting or support. As a previous high school teacher, I became that safe person to talk to for some of my students...and it was hard to not say WHAT WERE YOU THINKING!!!! But I had to let them talk through their choice and be a nonjudgemental voice for them. Other things to try also would be a good youth group that meets during the week. I attend His Hands in Woodstock, and the youth group rocks. The middle school meets on Wed and they have a blast. It (or a youth group in general) would be a safe place and it would allow him to meet new potential friends. It would also be another safe place for him to find an adult to talk with about the pressures and how to handle them. The other thing that I have heard (I think Robin Williams did this) is to have another adult that you completely trust and trust their judgement be a person that your son can go to for help and advice. You would arrange this in advance and if he goes to them, it would be in complete confidence and they would have complete say so on the situation. And they would not come to you afterward. It is just a secondary set of parents for him. The benefits are that he has someone to talk to that is trusted and not another kid. Well I hope this helps. It really does sound like you have a good kid!

In addition to spending quality time with him being very open and strengthening your bond so that he continues to be comfortable coming to you (good job, mom), get him in a good church youth group program where he has an additional circle of good friends. Meet his friends, possibly provide time to spend w/ them at your home so you can know them better. Pray together or at least remind him to pray for strength/help in the face of any size temptation . . . stay a step ahead!

I have a 12 year old girl at middle school and yes, it is a different world. I know girls are different from boys but, they have many of the same pressures. I've just always made a point to talk to her about "everything". No subject is taboo. But, I give her age appropriate answers. I have always stressed to her that she can tell me "anything". And, yes she has already seen and heard more in sixth grade than I ever dreamed of.
But, I also try to live by example and by pointing out the consequences of her actions. For instance, I have an 18 year old nephew serving time for armed robbery - because he was hooked on Meth. I explained that he started out by just trying it and look where he ended up. Also, I have a niece who got pregnant out of wed-lock. I talked to my daughter and she sees how this baby has put the brakes on my nieces future. Just talk about how bad choices lead to other bad choices. And, explain, even as corny as it may sound to him now, that to get a good job, you need a good education, and to get that you need a good - clear - head.
And, I just pray everyday. When I see other girls her age doing inappropriate things we disuss it. But, you know, I have often found that the girls who do the most inappropriate things are the ones whose parents I have questioned their judgement prior. I'm talking about kids who are allowed to watch "anything" on tv, allowed unlimited access on the computer, and divorced parents who recklessly allow new partners to move into the home or spend the night in front of their kids. You have to live by example.
Its sounds like you are on the right track so far. Just talk to him. I know boys don't like to talk but, if you keep the lines of communication open and lead by example you will do fine. I am considered the strict mom in my daughter's circle of friends but, not the mean mom. Kids respect that. You would be surprised at how many of those friends would prefer to come to our house as opposed to the other way around.
Hope all goes well for you!
E

T., Sounds like you are doing the right things. Just keep lines of communication open between the two of you. Also find a godly man that you both respect and that you trust within your church family to be a surrogate dad to him. This will help tremendously. I am a single mom of a 15 year old girl, but you still need two parents sometimes. There is a young 30 something couple in my church that has adopted both of us. (I am 55 so that may seem odd, but it works.) They have 3 young children, but are also involved in the youth ministry with middle and high school kids so this works for us. He is a great dad to his kids (we have known them since BC-before their own children!). But they love mine as their own. He keeps an eye out at youth activities for her and she looks to him for advice as she would have from her own dad. HE died when she was 7. He takes her to lunch now and then and they just talk. When I am not sure about issues, sometimes I say, call MR. Josh and she does and then we talk about his response. It really helps alot. And the biggest thing you can do is P>U>S>H!! (Pray until something Happens!!!!) God Bless you.

I have an 11 yr old who will be starting midddle school this usmmer and it scares me to think that our kids spend so much time with these other kids and they have more of an impact our kids that all our years of raising them. You have to remember that you have instilled the principles in him and you had to do something right he is talking to, that says a lot. Continue to reinforce God and let him know that Jesus walked upon all types of men and did not partake of any of their activities. Also asure him that no matter what the other kids are saying it is great to be different. This is what I tell my son:if you are like everyone else what do you have to offer?

If you have time to read a book, I heartily recommend "Raising Cain" which is about having a son that age and is very, very good. I wish I had read it sooner but it helped me a lot even when my son was a senior in high school. I wouldn't take him telling you that lightly. If there's any church youth group that he can be involved with, that would be good. Also, (it sounds like you are probably doing this) but spend regular time with him going somewhere he wants to go or doing something or eating somewhere he wants to eat and just listen to him. Don't ask questions. Just listen.And tell him that he is going to have to be serious about finding a good job before he knows it and that future employers/college admission counselors will be looking into his past to see how he's spent his time so he'd better find a way to show he was interesting in serving his community even at his age. You can help him find something like that.

Young men with good grades and very respectful do not keep them from doing drugs. Sometimes those are the ones to look out for. You just never know what kids will do and the world is very scary. The good thing is that you are establishing a good base for your son for being a Christian. I think it is awesome that your relationship with him is so good that he feels comfortable talking to you about peer pressure. So you are doing a great job as a single parent. Maybe if he could talk to someone else that is a Christian, maybe a man that he could relate to, then that would also give him a separate opinion and support to show that it is okay to stand up for what you believe in and remain a good person who is drug free and living a life without the need for gangs and foul language.

T.

I think you are doing a wonderful job. It is great that your son came to talk to you about the pressues he feels! Don't lose that communication!!! I am only going to add to possible suggestions...maybe if the two of you had some time to sit down and read (either on the internet or in books) the health risks individuals have when using drugs. Look at long term...many are very tragic. Or perhaps you could visit a local hospital where children of drug addicted parents are born or if there is a trauma center talk to nurses and doctors about drug overdoses. I have been a mentor for troubled teens for 10 years and am currently studying to be a family counselor. I am not an expert by any means or a doctor, but I know from experience the visual affects stick with us. Good luck and keep up the good work!!!

Dear T.,

If I were in your shoes which I will be with my oldest daughter in just 2 years I would definetly keep him as busy (as both our schedules would allow) with positive extracurricular activites as well as church activites. I would also try and keep the relationship between you and his teachers open so that they may keep you advised as far as any changes that may occur. Good Luck, P

Continue to do what you are doing. You are on the right track with a good moral foundation. Stay connected. Let him know he can talk to you a/b anything anytime anywhere! You cannot shield him for what lies ahead and the choices he must make, you can only continue to pray for him that you have given him the good moral foundation he needs to make good choices. Some of his choices won't be so good, and he will realize he must deal with the consequences of his actions. Keep him busy, keep him active...church youth, sports, band/orchestra, volunteerism, anything you can to keep him connected to a group of organized kids. I am right there with you, sister. Been there...done that...have the T-shirt. Oh, and also make sure he knows you are aware of his movements/actions. Example: If he says he's going to Blockbuster with some friends and then to get a burger...show up there..."Oh, I just decided I'd like to see a movie tonite too." Do it a few times casually and he will begin to act like he knows you're always aware of what he is doing and if he is being truthful, even though you cannot show up @ every situation. Keep praying. Best of luck. K.

I teach 6th grade and applaud you for raising a soon to be teenager on your own. It is awesome that you have an open line of communication with your son. He obviously feels comfortable enough to talk with you about these pressures. My best advice is to stay involved. Know his friends, know their parents, keep him in church, and keep talking to him about ways to say no and/or stay away from those who are pressuring him. It has been my experience in the public school system that students who have involved parents usually make good choices. It boils down to creating a sense of security at home, as well as a knowledge on the child's part that such behaviors are not okay and will not be tolerated. Good luck and God Bless!

I just want to know if your child goes to Lanier Middle School? I also have an 11 year old son in middle school and often wonder if he is asked about drugs or gangs? That was my biggest fear about middle school. I think it sounds like you are doing your best with him and just keep up with positive reinforcement and know you are doing the best you can do! That's what I do and I'm not perfect and I raise my voice at times and feel like I should have more patients but most importantly, keep the lines of communication open!
Good luck!~

Hi T.,

I'm going to be blunt and truly mean this to be constructive.

Peer pressure is the kind of evil that gets swept under the rug by most adults. At school, I am talking specifically about teachers as they are the only ones that CAN witness it. (I'm not saying that teachers are bad, please don't take offense. Teachers are paid to teach.)They are also not the child's parent and God is not holding them accountable to what happens to these kids. God holds the parent accountable.

You said it, it can't be ignored. I think you need to hit this issue head on. I don't think you really have any other choice. It really sounds like you have done everything right with your child. You can't WAIT and HOPE that he doesn't mess up or feel uncomfortable. What if one of the "good kids" falls in with the wrong crowd? That multiplies the peer pressure.

I would address it with the teachers, the principal and any parents that are willing to listen. Don't worry about embarrassing him. If he's as good a kid as he sounds, he'll get over it. He has plenty of time to fight life's battles. There are plenty of other things that build character.

T., you said you were open to suggestions. That's all this is. I wish you well!

God bless!

M.

T.,
Making sure you know who his friends are is the first step. Although it is good to give children a little freedom, as they gain a few years, please make sure you know who's at the homes of the friends when they visit. Also, make sure you spend time with your son and his friends at outings, so you can get to know them and let your son know you care about what's going on in his life. If their behaviors are contrary to yours, or those children play violent games or listen to music that's degrading to women or violent you have to guard against it. If his father is not in his life, a Big Brother volunteer can be good for him. If you don't feel comfortable, some schools have adult/college aged volunteers that come to the schools once a week to visit w/the children in their classroom or library. I was a mentor to both a middle schooler and single mom of 4, and we developed a very positive, helpful relationship. We remain friends to this day. I realize it is difficult sometimes to be away from work, but your precious son is too important not to volunteer at his school. Make sure you talk to his teachers, show great interest at school, donate cookies, pizza, etc. if you cannot donate your time. But, as his HERO, you must guard against the ills of the world that seek to have him join those who have fallen by the wayside. I'll be praying for you both. God bless. A

Thank goodness I am not the only one with an older child on this site. Seems that most parents on here have little ones and I was about to leave till I saw your post. I am also a single mother of a 9 yo boy and recently got custody of my 10 yo nephew. You are very lucky though that your son feels comfortable enough to come to you and tell you that he's been confronted about drugs, gangs and foul language. Most children wouldn't. I pray that he continues to hold your trust and will listen to you through all of the hard times that he will come to face. Also, make sure that his friends feel welcome and that you will enstill those same morals and values on them as well. When I was growing up, I didn't feel that I could go to my parents about sex, drugs, and drinking (gang activity back then in our area was uncalled for, much less thought of) without being judged but knew that I could talk to my friend's parents about such things and get heart felt responses that helped mold me into the better parent I am today. I wish you luck. God Bless!

T.,
I think you are off to a good start recognizing that peer pressure is a BIG issue. Another way you may keep the lines of communication open with your son is to write notes to each other. I don't know if either of you like to write but a little note tucked away inside one of his notebooks may give him the reminder he needs while away from you at school. Even a scripture such as "With God, all things are possible". Another thing you may want to do is talk with your youth pastor and see if there is a mentor program within your church. Being a single Mom, you and your son will benefit from a Godly male influence in his life. I liked the suggestion one of the Mom's made of doing a study together too. I hope this helps and I will say a prayer for your family too!
K.-www.balterbaby.com www.baltercatalogue.com

I have a child in the middle school this year and have thought about these same issues. My three kids were all born overseas. Where we lived we had a lot of military TV channels that were very good about constantly having commercials to show children how to deal with these situations, drugs, drinking, sex, ect. Unfortunately, here we seem to only be interested in trying to sell stuff in commercials. Anyway, one of the things I picked up was to roll play with our children about how to handle these situations and what to say when they come up. I bet if you talked to your child's youth director at church they would be more than willing to even talk about and practice roll playing right there in the safety of your church where your child could get ideas from other kids. Kids who are probably having to deal with the same issues. God Bless

S.
I am also a chritian and still to a point going through this situation. The best thing you can do is what you are doing now and keeping him in pray as he walk out that door every day. Maybe even pray with him before he leave to go to school so that God helps keep the bad things away and just let him get a good education. As long as you keep your communication open and don't judge but be their to hear him out than God will do the rest. It harder for children these days to deal with all that is in the school than even five years ago. I have four children and two of them or in teen years. One is getting ready to become an adult and so far God has bless him to stay out of severe trouble. The other one just began and she is doing already for the monet but we talk and pray all the time together.