Need Advice with Problem Nephew

if you are in the l.a. city area, you can call 1-877-ask-lapd to speak to a non-emergency operator (please dont dial 911! haha) they can give you some numbers for : 1. local stations to talk to police officers 2. programs for troubled youth 3. family counseling/hotlines hope this helps you - you're a FANTASTIC aunt! it reallly does take a village..... a little about me - i am a former 911 operator, now a stay at home mom to a 10 yr old boy & 1 month old girl

Hi

There is a web site www.knowgangs.com that tells you about different types of gangs and there is a program call the great program ###-###-####. call them and tell them and they can direct you

Hi I am Jehovah's witness and we have a book specially for teens is not about religion but it really help. may him can get a copy.
I can send to you.

A little about me: My name is A., i have a 16 month old boy, my email is ____@____.com

Hi J.,

There's a marvelous organization headquartered in San Diego called the Tariq Khamisa Foundation. A man named Azim Khamisa runs it, along with Ples Felix. They are dedicated to ending violence among youth and they talk at schools and address gangs regularly. What is remarkable about them is that Ples Felix's grandson, Tony Hicks, shot and killed Azim's son in 1995. Tariq was delivering a pizza when 14 year old Tony was instructed by his gang leader to "bust" Tariq. Tony was the first child tried as an adult in the state of California, and is currently serving a 25 year to life term. Azim Khamisa experienced acute grief, but emerged from it with a vision that there are victims on both sides of the gun. He and Ples sought each other out and formed this organization. They are very effective in talking to gang members. Maybe you can get them to speak at the camp where your nephew is staying. The URL is http://www.tkf.org/

Good luck with your nephew. My heart goes out to you.
K. Gogolewski

J.:

Here is a link to the Parent Project website. I understand it is a great program and perhaps there will be one in your sister's area. If not perhaps they can refer her to someone in her area. I have talked to parents who have participated and they say its made a world of difference for them and their teens.
http://www.parentproject.com/

Good Luck!

Hi J.,
I worked in non-public schools with this type of student. It is a difficult time for a mother with a son in a gang. Unfortunately, if he is getting sent to camp, he is in deep, but this could also be the guiding light he needs to move out of it. It really depends on the state of mind of the teen. If he is new to the system, he has a chance. If he is not, then he may become immune to the camp, the counseling and advice.

He needs some hardcore ex-gang members to talk to him and tell him what terrible near scrapes they went through. That can sometimes shake them, and wake them up. Either way,he needs a hand to hold no matter what he is going through, to accept him for who he is. He needs tough love, so if he's causing potential danger to the family, he should not be allowed to stay at home. He needs a job, and constant counseling whether he wants it or not.

I may not be saying anything new, but I wish the best for your situation, and will look for some resources to send you to. After camp they may suggest a non-public, if he's not already there. You can get an advisor to come into the home setting to help the family. I am friends with several, and will ask them to help. Talk to you soon.

J., my husband has been a police officer for 30 years and has dealt with hi-risk teenagers for much of that time. He tells me continually that there are three main reasons kids get involved in gangs...1. too much free time on their hands, 2. to feel validated and important, and 3. it provides a sense of belonging and family. I value my husband's opinion and know that if I was in the same boat, I would seriously consider doing the following:

1. If, at all possible, move out of the area...it will be near impossible for him to break his ties completely w/o physical distance.

2. Do what I can to transfer his sense of identity with the gang to where it belongs...with his family. Give him a sense that he is a part of something bigger than himself. A sense of pride in who he is and where he fits into the overall scheme of family.

3. Tell him in many different ways how valued he is as a son, grandson, brother, nephew, etc....

Hopefully, that helps some and gets your wheels turning generating even more ideas of your own!

Blessings,
R. F.

You know... I was kind of bad when I was younger. Not in a gang, but I was into drugs and stuff. And what got me out of it was in high school you can choose electives. My elective was to be a peer tutor in the special ed room. And not just special ed. It was for the severely developmentally disabled. None of them could communicate so many had to use sign language. Not only did I get to learn sign language, and become fluent, I got to see that these people were amazing. I started wrapping my life around them. I began to have two electives in their room instead of going home and wasting time. My grades got higher and I got out of drugs. I loved my teachers and started really enjoying school. I even went to MDA camp with one of the students two years in a row and after high school went into that field of work for 9 months until I had my daughter. That was my life changing experience. Maybe he will enjoy taking that class? Or if he is interested in learning about the Bible, my husband and I give free Bible studies. :)

I am a life coach and I lead a program for youth like your nephew called Motivating the Teen Spirit. We teach teens emotional literacy, communication from the heart and how to make integrity based decisions. We've had huge success with this work and teens. I'm leading a program today for a high school and will be doing a number of workshops this summer. Contact me if you want to talk or if you want more information: www.kristinecastro.com or ###-###-####. The creator of the programs is from the book, "The Secret" in case you know that book. Her name is Lisa Nichols and she is my teacher and mentor for teaching these programs.

With love and support,
K.

Your concern and your relationship with your sister bodes well for your nephew.

I am a PhD student currenty working with foster children. Here's what I'd recommend:

Listen to his music with him, find songs you like in his music

Lots of praise and positive feedback: but it has go be genuine
That is, catch him being good

Be gentle with the correctional stuff

My personal credo:
Show up
Pay Attention
Tell the Truth
Release Judgment of Self and Others

Might be a good thing to bring to the table as a motto and discuss, both with him and your sister. Parenting issues are often about not being real with a chid about parents' own needs, fears, feelings, etc. Model the behavior your are looking for in this boy.

Best of luck.

P. O'Neill, M.A.

I believe in sending teenage boys to strict training camps where they don't have time to get in trouble. Here are 2 websites you can check into. The Marine Military Academy is not cheap though.

http://www.mma-tx.org/

http://www.devilpups.com/

I have 3 boys (ages 12, 10 and 6) We've always told them that if they give us any discipline problems, we will not hesitate in sending them to boot camps for teens. My husband was in the Marine Corps so we are bias to the Marine training.

I'm sure there are other camps for troubled teens. Good Luck!

Sorry to hear about your nephew, he is old enough to know the rights & wrongs of life, I had a friend her son being into drugs... etc.. also was away at a camp for 1 1/2 yrs I worte to him during this time, sent him encouraging letters, spiritual sayings, talk alot about his higher power. I also sent him, articles of tradgy kids being killed by gang members and what it did to the family. Maybe your nephew can understand more by you reaching out to him by writing him, although you have your own kids to raise, and to keep them safe, by all means 3 months in the pokey isn't long enough,
it will be hard to get out of the gang, she should move, as far away as she can, The gang members will not give up on him easily.

Good Luck

It is very natural that at this age, adolescents need to identify with their peers, and sad to say, if the teen is not accustomed to being close with a parent through bonding as well as strict discipline, the teen's need to identify with peers increases. Their choices of association (including music, tv, movies, etc.) can offer clues to underlying feelings such as helplessness, anger, fears, resentment, and so on...Having worked with like-children for 20 plus years, I do have a book that may be beneficial to him, to you, and also his mother, free of charge for each of you. I have shared this information with several young boys, including a friend who went away to a camp in Colorado for 3 years. Keeping in touch with him regularly with the motive to reinforce feelings of love and concern is the most important thing. LISTEN. VALIDATE. IDENTIFY by sharing personal feelings and experiences. This book was helpful because I was able to use it as a common denominator in many conversations and, for the one young friend in particular, he found comfort in the pages that gave practical advice in strengthening his character that led ultimately to better decision making, especially when I and other adults that he trusted were not available to him in between visits and phonecalls . I can be contacted at ____@____.com if you would like...

Your sister needs to do two things: Move as far away as possible, as leaving a gang safely is almost impossible. Even if he wants to leave, a gang is unlikely to let him go--I have known people who have remained in this situation even as adults. One friend moved his family out of state in order to keep all of them out of harm's way when he left his gang. Then she needs to make sure that there is counseling and strong family support to help her son make the right choices in a new environment.

I have known ppl who struggle with the same problem. The only safe way to get out of a gang is to disappear. Leave the area completely without a trace. Hopefully the desire to leave the gang will come to him and he can figure out a safe way to do it.

move...far far away...and as quickly as possible.

I believe you know the answer to that question already. "She does tend to lack in the parenting area." The only way to save that kid now is for your sister to step up and be firm and aggressive with him. He needs to learn about morals and bounderies.

Find out if they have a big brother program near you. Or any guide of programs for teens. It would be nice if he could meet an ex-gang member that could mentor him that has turned his life around. That way he would have someone he could relate to.

That's great that you want to support him. Help him find positive outlets for his energy (sports, activities, etc.) that will keep him away from the 'gang friends' so he can find better friends to hang around with.

Hi J., I am a mother of a 13 and 16 yr old boys I know that it's hard to raise them in this world now a days. But do not give up on him and tell your sister too. Maybe a change in venue, if it's possible to have him live with you so he can see the difference in life styles or parenting areas. If he is not involved in sports get him involved. Also Police departments have gang programs to get kids away from gangs. Check in your area. Police explores is also another option. Just remember that we all make mistakes and we learn from them. My prayers are with you and your sister at this time.

Thank you for posting this issue. I am the mother of five boys and one girl, my two youngest boys are 15 and 13. I have been having a problem with the 15 year old since the begining of last summer. He is not in any gangs but he was one the road to one if intervention was not made soon. The school just kept suspending him and then threatened to expell him. I argued that if he was expelled he would be forced into a hostile inviroment because he would have to go to the neighboring school district which are rivals with the school he presently attends. Finally we agreed to home school and it seems to be working. He is respecting his cerfew and is up to standards in his academics. Anyway my point is that with your posting I was able to retreave some useful resources and will be looking further into the "Parenting Project" in case he back slides and for the sake of my youngest. I also have a grandson that I am raising and I know I will be able to use this education to better his and the other grandchildren yet to be's future. THANK YOU!! And THANK YOU too Bonnie T for sharing this web site! You are a true God send...

Keeping teenagers busy is a must for sure! I remember being so incredibly busy in high school and looking back I a so glad because it kept me out of a lot of trouble. Maybe being active in church, too, would help.

I think your sister should get involved in a Christian church. My family and I congreagate ourselfes to Calvary chppel of shouth bay, it's a big diference when family are close to a church. I have a 14y.o and 5 year old. at the church they have classes for all ages. my daughter loves her Teen Jr high class. They are taught about homosexuality, gangs etc. How their lives will turn if they are not in God's way of life. Your sister may need to do changes herself too, in order for her son to change. I will keep her and her son in my prayers.

Goodluck and God Bless you for trying to get help for your sister.

This is never an easy one. It honestly comes down to good strong parenting, getting them away from that environment, (like maybe having him stay with another strong family member for a while, even a change of schools, monitoring all after school time, even who he hangs out with on weekends, and chaperoning until it is under control, which could be years). Also, a lot of family support and expecting that even though he may hate you now for making him more accountable to school, and other activities, it isn't our job to be their friend. It is our job to be a role model and strict enough parent to be willing to go to drastic hard measures to keep our kids from this.

One of my nephews has been going through the same thing, he is now 18, and it was 2 years of tag-team parenting with all of us involved in keeping an eye on him and filling his life with activities so he is so busy, he has no other options. However, he is in college now, and doesn't hang out with the same crowd. Thank goodness.

C.
Mother of 2 boys, 7 and 11
Aunt to 13, varying ages from 3 months to 19 years.

I know how u feel I have a nephew the same age in and out of juvie and camps. His situation is he doesn't have mom or dad in his life. I can imagine u love your nephew as if he were your own child, cause that's how i feel about mine. I would say he needs to be kept busy in something positive, maybe he could get a pt job somewhere making a little money so he could feel some responsibility and independence. Also look for a local church that has a strong youth group that plan alot of activities for kids his age. Positive alternative, don't give up! he just wants to feel understood and accepted. The more he wants to better himself the less he's going to want to hang with his homies!

Hi J.,
My husband and I kept our daughter busy during those years. We allowed her to pick what sport she wanted to be in and when she wouldn't pick one we told her we would do it for her. She took up dance and at first she was a total misfit, but eventually we left her alone there and she began trying and soon liked it. She did some competitions and it got her through high school. We had a lot less problem with her. As well, her dance coach kept her very busy.

The less free time they have the better off they are.

C.

I am sorry to hear about your nephew having gotten involved in such a thing. It's terrible. The horrible part is in order to get out of a gang you normally have to LEAVE the area (or state) becuase most gangs will NOT let you go. It depends on what gang he is in. If its a gang that has huge networking in other states as well as other countries (they do exist are in the news almost daily). Aside from that HE has to WANT to get out, they always find a way of contacting their gang freinds via phone, internet... word of mouth..etc. too bad there isnt a way to put him in military school to KEEP him out at least till he is 18. I wish your family luck in this.

It's great that you care so much. Sometimes family members need extra support in raising childen. I work with at risk youth and deal with gang bangers on a daily. First thing to remember is to not belittle him when he gets out. A good option is to move out of the area, since some gangs don't like it when members leave. He also might have very close ties to his fellow bangers. Finishing school and having him see what options he has for his future might help get him on the right track. I still respect my students for who they are regardless of being in a gang, although I don't condone gang activity at the school. I like to encourage them to make good choices and praise them when they do so. Good Luck and stay involved in his life and the thing he does.

I think while your nephew is gone to the boys camp, you should talk to your sister and say that while you support her, you need to think of your children and their safety first. If your nephew is in a gang, he is not a good influence on your children and may expose them to things like drugs or violence. Just by him being in a gang, you and your children could be in danger if you associate with him. You need to focus on your own children first and let the professionals and counselors deal with your nephew and your sister's situation. If he is in the gang, it is likely he will not realize the consequences of his actions until something drastic happens. Focus on your own kids until you can be certain he is out of the gang and not doing drugs or alcohol.

I truly feel for you as well as your sister. My biggest fears for my children are gangs and drugs, because I have seen first hand how horrible both are. I can't offer any magical solution, and it may not help, but I certainly think it can't hurt, but I have my 12 y/o son enrolled in the Young Marines. They meet every other Saturday, from 7:45 - 3:00, and I am really happy with this group. I'm not sure where your sister lives, but she can go on-line and Google Young Marines (we are in Bellflower so we go to the Lance Cpl Worley young marines). Tell her to give it a try. :) and good luck!!!!!!!!!!!!!

LCpl Kenneth L. Worley Young Marines
9302 E. Laurel Street
Bellflower, CA, 90706
###-###-####
Contact: Jack Closson
Unit Web Site

I also wanted to add that gangs are a family, and are tough to get out of. I dated nothing but "gang bangers" and thugs etc.. for about ten years, and all of them had the same response to the question "Why did you join a gang?" The answer was family/love, or a sense of belonging. It's also an accomplishment of some sorts. When a child feels unloved, a natural reaction is to seek it elsewhere. For me, I sought that love through men, and those men, in turn sought love in me, and I learned a whole lot from that experience. I can say to tell your sister to love him, show him love and keep him involved in activities, but the truth of the matter is, it's not likely to help. He might be close (not actually there, but close to) a point of no return so to speak. Sometimes scare tactic's work, most of the time they don't. If he is a good kid with a good heart, it will work. Play on his sensitivity, but otherwise, I really don't know what would help besides divine intervention :)

I agree with Renae on the 3 reasons why most join gangs. I would rather say to get him involved in an activity. Boys club, soccer, basketball, chess club. A few ideas but you never know what a kid is interested in these days. This would cut down on free time and the other thing I would say is that the biggest thing that kids want is consistency. Most of the time this comes into play with discipline. If something is wrong, then it is wrong all the time. Another way is try speaking to him about being in the gang. I am not sure but there is a show that is on cable tv... gangland I think. If he hasn't or you haven't I would watch that. I have watched a few episodes and it tells the stories of some that have gotten out of the gang, what they were promised when they got in and how everything works from the bottom to the top. Maybe this would help him to want to get out, if he doesn't already.

I know if it were my son, I would do everything I could to move. Even if it meant making some serious sacrafices. I think that changing his environment and keeping him away from the friends that are causing him trouble would make the biggest difference. That's not to say at age 16 he couldn't find ways to keep in touch and hang out with those friends, but it would be a start. However, that may not be a realistic option. Regardless of whether they are able to move or not, it is crucial that your sister hold him accountable for his every action. He has lost any trust she should have for him and he needs to earn it back. She needs to keep in daily contact with his school to make sure he's attending and behaving, she needs to have him report in consistently throughout the day when he's not at school. It's hard work, but no one said parenting was easy. As his Aunt you could help, if needed, by helping her keep track of him (if she's working and unable to have him call to check-in or whatnot). At 16, unless you two are already close, I doubt he's going to want to open up to you. I think the best thing you could do is just try spending time with him (without pressuring him to open up) doing stuff like going to the movies, bowling, etc. He's lucky to have a great Aunt like you & I hope that he's able to turn his life around.

My husband works for the Police Activities League, which is a non profit supported by the PD. They work with at risk and underpriviledged kids. My DH goes to truency hearings and works with kids right out of camps to plug them in to programs - sports, community service, leadership - whatever to keep them busy and out of trouble. He and the officers that help get involved with the kids and families to help support change. I'd place a call into your local PAL and see what they offer. Good luck to you, your sister and your nephew.