Seeking Advice on How to Get My 16 Yr. Old Son to Quit with His Unruly Behavior.

Okay, why don't you have him write down all the ways he thinks you should let him "grow up"? Then write down some guidelines about how he can earn his free time. Also have him write down what his consequences should be just in case he should mess up.

We did this with our first son and it worked ok.

Our second son we are using the green, yellow and red system. He works today for tomorrows privilages. Green is a free day but he has to stay within the guidelines he helped set. Yellow is a caution day. Some but not all of his privilages are taken away. Again, he helped with what should go. Red of course is a no go day. Nothing outside of family activities. Then we sat down and decided how to earn a green day.

1. Do dailey chore
2. You may disagree but you must remain respectful in speech and actions.
ETC.....

We have five different things that must be accomplised today for a green day tomorrow. Each item has a 10 point value. Points are deducted for not following the guidelines for the day. Then we use 40 and above is green. 30-39 is yellow and below 20 is a red day. Remember, He set the guidelines, The consequences and made the choice to follow them or not.

He should have no problems because he set it up! Plus it helps everyone stay on the same page as far as discipline because it is all in black and white. (and red, yellow and green!)

Good luck! Remember, "This too shall pass!".

Hi, I understand what you are going thru. Since his behavior has taken such a dramatic change I would suggest getting some medical AND emotional help for your son. Sounds like he may be experiencing somthing traumatic at school ( bullying , etc. ) or he may be into something he cannot control anymore. Yes, I am talking about drugs. We don't want to admit that our kids do these sorts of things but they do. I have first hand knowledge. At 16 they are experiencing a LOT of peer pressure. Hope this helps.

I feel for you S., I too, have a 16 yr old. He hasn't shown unruly behavior as such, but the mouth gets carried away sometimes. He doesn't have his license yet and won't until next year, but that still doesn't mean that we will allow him to run all over the place whenever he wants. We currently live out in the country, and there aren't many kids his age to "run with". So that's an advantage, but we're getting ready to move soon, back to what I call, civilization, and I'm sure as he makes new friends, I'll have situations come up that you are experiencing now. I guess the best thing to do is start with the friends. Find out what they do, where they go, and who they meet up with. They may appear to be nice kids, and I don't know how well you know the parents of these kids, but kids are sneaky, we all know this. Heck, we were teenagers once too. All kids are going to see what they can get away with. But if you can't communicate with your kids, then most likely, there is something they are trying to hide from you. Dig, and dig deep. Even if they get their feelings hurt, you are the parent. You must maintain that control and authority. And spend as much time with your son as you can, even if it's just to sit and play cards or games around the kitchen table on certain evenings. Invite the friends over to do the same, that way you can observe their behavior when they are all together. Listen to how they talk to each other. That tells a parent alot, believe me. They will say things to each other, that they wouldn't dare say in front of a parent. Have a talk with the other parents and express your concerns for all of the kids. Don't just single your son out when talking to them. Tell them you are concerned for all of their safety. This may help to open a line of communication with the other parents, so you all are on the same page when it comes to your kids.

My husband and I raised 3 children and certainly the teen years are difficult. They're bridging into adulthood but now more than ever, they need discipline and love and affection. You weren't very specific as to what his "unruly behavior" is but in regards to yelling at you and being mouthy that's simply an issue of respect, if your children don't respect you now, they never will (I have a friend whose now 27 year old son is proof of that). If this behavior is something new, you may need to check for any drug or alcohol usage and don't let him try to tell you his room is off limits to you. You have to understand also that their discipline MIGHT inconvenience YOU and be prepared to deal with it. Like taking away the car keys.

Since I don't know the specifics about YOUR child, I can only tell you what we did. Ours are now grown up and all 3 say they now appreciate the discipline they had growing up.

1) EVERY Sunday we went to church and the kids went to youth group - it wasn't optional. They also had service hours to perform for their church and their school without which they couldn't graduate.
2) We sat down at the table EVERY day for supper and talked to each other - if they had activities, I scheduled suppertime accordingly, sometimes we ate at 4:30. And every morning I cooked breakfast for them. If you cook it, they WILL eat it and eventually their friends will begin to envy that and it becomes a source of pride for the kids. It's also another opportunity to talk to them.
3) They had a curfew of midnight PERIOD.
4) They each had specific chores other than keeping their room clean. EVERYONE contributed to the household in some way. If these things weren't done, they lost privileges.
5) Our teenagers understood that our home was NOT a democracy! NOTHING was off limits to their parents.
6) Every time they went out, we were in touch with our kids' friends. If they said they were going to so-and-so's house, I talked to so-and-so's mom or dad. I would also require them to call me from their HOUSE PHONE. Cell phones give these kids WAY too much latitude.
7) Most importantly, I hugged my kids EVERY day and told them I loved them and that I needed THEM too, that they were important to me and always knew it. I reminded them constantly that if I didn't CARE about them I wouldn't care where they went or WHAT they did.
8) We didn't just give them money any time they asked. If they wanted money for entertainment, they had to get a job. Kids who are busy don't have time to get into trouble and they develop a sense of responsibility.
9) We all shared ONE computer so the time on it was carefully scheduled and monitored. In an age where everyone has their own laptop, that falls under the "not a democracy" rule, parents MUST have access to their childrens' computers. If you're not very computer literate, TAKE A CLASS!! It's important to be at least as smart as your kids where computers are concerned, the internet is another place they can go for which they don't need car keys and can be just as dangerous.

What I have discovered as the MOST difficult part of parenting is NOT the two's, and it is NOT the teens, it's the change I have had to endure when I have had to learn how to let go and realize my job is done. It's a little akin to teaching them to ride a bicycle - pretty soon you have to let go of the seat and let them ride alone. Are they going to fall, absolutely - didn't you?

A note about me: I am married, my husband is an airline pilot and was often away from home. My children are now 27 (boy, college graduate, engineer) married almost 3 years (no children yet), 25 (girl, college graduate, kindergarten teacher) and still looking, also still living at home, 23 (boy, college graduate, pilot flying night cargo soon headed to the airlines) will likely soon to be engaged when his girlfriend graduates from college. All 3 of them now thank us for being strict with them, they say it made them better people.

I hope some of this helps. WOW.... sorry this got SO long!!!
S. M.

Explain to your son how much worse it could be... My parents wouldn't allow me to go to a public school, drive myself to school with the car I paid for (AFTER turning 17), hang out with friends at the mall, go to the movies with friends, get a job (until after my 17th B-Day), spend the night with my friends, or go on dates at ALL(I would have never dated my husband if I hadn't snuck out and done it!)..... I was allowed to go to church, go to youth group, and go out for ice cream after youth (and the first 4x my father sat there with a bunch of teenagers watching me.. UGH)... that was IT. More than likely he has it much better than I did. And if he continues to complain, do the same thing my parents did to me (They were EXTREMELY overprotective).. lock him up. Show him how bad it COULD be.

Welcome back to the "it's all about me" years. As you probably already know, this is the time when when teens begin to become more independent. Freedom and autonomy is what they seek. It helps them to make mistakes and learn from them, as well as to teach them good choices, better social skills, etc. If you allow him some freedom, but he is wanting more, you may try to pair it with increased responsibility (ex- you can do this, but I need you to do this first).

Relationships with teens are like bank accounts. You make deposits by giving them choices and freedom (I may not agree with you completely, but I'll allow it this time.....or you can do ___ or ___, it's you choice), and then you make withdraws by having them do what you want as well. This makes them feel they have come control, but the control is really all yours.

You also mentioned difficulty with punishment. One key thing to remember..It's not a punishment if he does not view it as a punishment (ex- go to you room- well some like being in their room, or You're grounded on Friday- that's okay, I still have Saturday). Sometimes having a family meeting (or a game of hoops or a walk) to discuss the behaviors and having the teen come up with the consequences is actually more effective. They are actually harder on themselves with punishments and are more likely to follow through, plus you can say "I didn't come up with this consequence, you did". This takes the problem off of your back and puts it back on his.
Good luck!
T.

If you find some advice that works..please let me know..lol..thx
S. B

Am a grandmother with both a 15&16yr old grandson in the home and know what you mean. Let him have time with his friends if he is willing to spend time with the family. Make some rules you can both live with. Punishment at this age will only make him more angry and will lead to things neither of you want.
I will pray for you and hope that I may have helped in some small way.
P.S.
The yelling now is just a replacement for the crying when he was a baby.... seeing what and how far he can push before you say no. We all need to know our boundries.

I have a 16 year old to that basicly done the same thing.. I gave him a little more space then i was giving him an he made a few mistakes of his own an learned from them an now he tells me MOM i should have listened to you.. Now he has turned into a different young man..Very kind an gentle young man. Im a single mom of 4 an children basicly have to learn just like we did when we made mistakes.

He wants his freedom mom. Remember, 16 is a very ackward age to be and he's still trying to figure out "who" he is. Set a curfew. I doesn't have to be in stone- when I was 16, my curfew depended on where I was going, what I was doing and who I was with. Set some limits on him, but also give him the freedom to screw up too. He'll learn better that way. You say his friends are good kids- that's one less thing to worry about. And dont' be afraid to tell him, "I'm not comfortable with you doing ______." My dad told me once when we were talking about how I acted as a teenager, "I let you run as much as I could, and sometimes I had to let you run into a brick wall before you would get the picture." Let him run for the walls and see what he does. He may just surprise you.

hold his hand in front his friends - walk him to class at school and even though he's 16 years old he's not too old for a spanking! believe me --it works

I have a 16 yr old and an 18 yr old and a 21 yr old. They all went through that stage. My 16 yr old opened his mouth the other day and cursed like a sailor to his brother but in front of me. I have a 20 month old in the house that I had later in life with my new husband. I had 2 small boxes in my hand and I hauled off and hit him across the chest with the boxes. It didn't hurt but it made a loud noise. I got very firm with him and told him this was my house and if he didn't like my rules, we could make arrangements for him to go live with his dad. I told him that I wasn't putting up with that. Before I had tried to talk and be gentle and kind and understanding and this time he just caught me at the wrong time and I showed my butt to him. Do you know he has been very different lately. Doesn't run around much, doing his homework and talking nicely.
Of course I have his dad to threaten him with that I have never done before so when I said it he didn't know if I would do it or not so he straightened up. Also I do have a little creditbilty built up because his 21 yr old brother cursed me out to my face and called me a realy bad name and I told him to leave that I put up with that from his dad and I divorced that and didn't intend to put up with that again from anybody and told him that he apparently didn't appreciate anything that we were doing for him so he needs to get out on his own.
So my 16 yr old knows that I mean business by seeing that.
And that probably won't be the case in your house BUT I firmly believe that they want rules and disapline and I firmly believe for a 16 yr old that you have to show your butt when they cross the boundaries.
All I can tell you is that it does get better but it gets worse before it gets better. It is that age. My middle child was a horror and he went through it for about 2 yrs but now he is in college with an A agerage studying to be a pharmacist and is the best kid ever with the best manners and he is so appreciative of everything that me and my husband do for him. And I thought this particular child was so bad and so horrible that he would end up someone killing him because of his smart mouth or he would just end up ruining his life.
So.. there is hope and it does get better. But be prepared for it to stay bad till he is out of high school. It will start feeling better his senior year but after graduation they start appreciating you and then when they are in college and older they will REALLY appreciate you taking control and keeping them a "good" kid.
Good luck. Sorry I don't have specifice words to give you to make it all better. But you will live through it. I promise.

when behaviour changes quickly and drastically, usually something has happened to make the change. Worse scenario, he may be experimenting with drugs. That is a tough age, and peer pressure is awful. Has anything happened in your marriage that could be affecting him? Punishment only creates more animosity, and that can snowball. When you talk to him, do you really listen to HIM?? Is there a youth group at your church he could get more involved in? Praise his good actions, and show hurt and remorse when he is bad. Let him know you are taking it personal. He may realize what he is doing. You may just have to be patient and let his raging hormones run their course, and pray for the best.

This sounds like typical 16 year old behavior to me. Most of them want to be with their friends as much as possible, and are not at al injured if you allow them some time to socialize. How are his grades? Does he do his chores at home? Is he otherwise compliant? if so, then maybe you could allow him extra time when he does everything he is supposed to do, and ground him for being rude or disrespectful. I have raised 6 kids, and the youngest is 16. We have an understanding. You may not raise your voice to me for any reason except to save my life. If you do, then you need to be somewhere where you can come to your senses, and that means your room. The next time he wants to do something social, I "remember" that he was rude/disrespectful. Then my answer is no and there isn't an argument. Don't argue with young people, just say whatever in a rational way and go about your business.

P. C

hi! what is the thing that your son loves the most? is it going out with his friends or is it playing sports? some times you have to give tough love by taking away what seems to be most important to them at the moment. i have been in the same position with my 18-year-old. she likes going out on dates with her boyfriend.when she wouldn't adhere to my rules about school- i took away the t.v., the stereo- anything i thought she liked. the only time she did what i wanted her to do (as far as doing her home work) was when i wouldn't allow her to go on her dates. she was doing so bad in school- i wouldn't let her go out for the whole month. i did let her talk to him on the phone with a limited time set- but i did get results and still am. she knows i will not hesitate to do it again. i didn't like to do it, but drastic times call for drastic measures. my thing with him feeling like you are treating him like a child is- if he didn't act like one then you wouldn't have to treat him like one. that is what i always tell my daughter. i hope you find a solution.remember also, he is in his teen years. he will be rebellious at times and they tend to push boundaries. i really didn't think my daughter would be that way because we are close- but she is. it is a stage and no- it doesn't go on forever. hang in there. good luck-J.

Give him a lot of space, but a curfew of course, and try not to pry too much (communicate, but don't bug him about everything). And remember that you felt like an adult at 16 too. Think of ways to let him know you realize he is becoming an adult and encourage that behavior. Does he have a job? Responsibility is a great thing. Sit down and have a one-on-one talk with him about his attitude and go over some new expectations and ideas about how you can all work together to make everyone happy.

dont have any advice here just wanted to say good luck and in 2 years he will be out of your hair... so just pray you make it until then. i was a pretty rotten teen too and the more my parents nagged me the worse i was... just some food for thought

Find him in a decent mood one day and sit him down for a talk. Make a deal with him that you will give him more freedom (yet with distinct boundaries), but that he has to prove that he can be respectful. If he continues to yell, mouth, or goes beyond the boundaries you set, then I'd lay down the law. If he has a car, I'd take it away indefinitely until he proves himself.

Age 16 is so close to adulthood. He definitely needs some freedom, and to a certain extent you'll just have to trust that he'll make the right decisions. God bless!!

My husband is a 'quiet, Mr. Responsible'. Consequently, he felt unappreciated at home with his parents (he was the oldest of 3 and 'never gave them a moment's trouble, therefore, they never granted him any 'special' attention while his 'fiery' younger brother always had seizures and got most of mom's attention). It sounds as if your boy needs more of a reward/praise type of 'discipline' rather than 'punishment' style. Find what he does well and that you've always admired about him and start telling him. (It gets easier after a few tries!) Believe me, you can bolster his self-esteem immeasurably and give him something to 'live up to' instead of having to constantly feel that he needs to prove his maturity and independence. Make him responsible for his decisions. Let him HELP you set his own boundaries, guidelines and rules. Trust him with something out of the ordinary. Mention that you've always appreciated 'whatever' (how trustworthy, responsible, thoughtful, etc. he's been). Don't add any 'but's, either. Just make the compliment and let it stand on its own! I think you'll soon be amazed at the result(s)!

Blessings 2 U!

i have a moody 16 year old also...its an emotional age. i give mine space and trust. that is unless you suspect drugs or alchohol. dont stop talking to him, but dont lecture...you remember lectures at that age, right...hated them. keep the lines of communication open..ask the hard questions, have you tried alchohol? drugs? let him know you want him to be safe.
also, do not allow disrespect toward you and your husband...you are the adults, the parents. all i have to say is "loose the attitude" to mine, "i understand you are frustrated but you dont talk like that to me." then listen. let him know you want him to have some freedom but you want to know what his plans are, and have a reasonable time to be home. most towns have a curfew. does he have responsibilities at home? a job? responsibilities = self worth = good choices. bad choices = loss of privileges. its not easy at this age, and it does get better.