One Is Enough for Me

That drives me crazy too. People need to mind their own business about everything. My husband I were dating for 2 years and everyone kept saying "when are you getting married?" We got married and then it was "when are you going to have a baby?" We had a baby and now its "when are you going to have another? Why everyone thinks there's a certain timeline we need to follow is beyond me.

Anyway, my son is 21 months old and I always said thought I wanted 2 kids. I have a younger brother and I feel that life would've been boring without him. Yes we fought sometimes and yes I did occasionally get jealous when he was getting more attention but overall I can't imagine what it would've been like with just me and my parents. Now that I have one, the idea of having another scares me for the same reasons that you've shared not to mention the financial impact of sending 2 kids to daycare. So no, I don't think there's anything wrong with you and please don't let others make you feel like there is. And whenever I get a comment from someone about another baby or before when people asked about marriage or the first baby my answer was always the same - I'm very happy with my life as it is.

I don't think there is anything wrong with you at all! Just tell them you are happy with what you have! Honestly, I have three children, but I felt the same way you do for a long time after child #1 - there is a seven year difference between her and her younger sibling and it's because I was content that way.

Hi C..

I can relate. I have a son who is almost 4, and like you, I find myself thinking about a second child as someone who would take away from my son, rather than give to him. Now, I certainly realize the irrationality of that way of thinking, but at least part of me does feel that way.

However, part of me does want to have the whole pregnancy, birth, new baby, etc. experience again, as I enjoyed it so much the first time. But my thinking always goes back to all the ways my son's life will change if I had another child. I, too, feel so blessed to have him in my life that I would be fulfilled if I never had another child.

All that said, I am an only child. And my biggest and most convincing argument, if you will, for having a second child is something that I fear in my own life. Being alone in the world. I am not married, but I do now have my son. So in that way, God willing, he will outlive me, and in that way, I'll never be "alone." But I always thought about the day when my parents would no longer be here, and being unmarried, I feared having to live basically alone in the world. I envied my cousins who had siblings, thinking that they'd always have each other. Now, I know that things don't always work out that way, siblings move away, some pass away, but in many ways, I wish I had a sibling to be there with me.

So if God gives me the chance, I think I will try to give that to my son.

God bless you and whatever decision you make. There is ABSOLUTELY no right or wrong answer. Only your heart can tell you what is best for you and your family. As for people asking when you're having another one, I'd just tell them it's in God's hands! What can they say to that?

I have one child too and I am fine with it. I tell people a big part of it is my age. This is true. I am now 41 and the risks of having a child with a birth defect have now increased even more so then, when I had my son at 38. I also tell people that I do not have the extra money for another child because they are expensive. I would say it is expensive and I feel that I want to take good care of the one child that I have.It is also a matter of time and energy. childen are very tiring and very draining. I know my son is almost 2.5 years old and he wears me out.I do not know if I would have the energy to devout to another child.I have also had the dream of having another child and it is bizarre. For about a year or so before i had my son I did have dreams about being pregnant and having a son. It is wierd know that i look back on it. It is hard and I know people do not want to listen to your reasons sometimes but if you are very straightforward with them this seems to be a good thing and for the most part they will listen.

Dear C.,
I always told my children, "Before you came to Daddy and I, you were in the "Mind" of God." How holy and special each child is and how special are our roles as parents to keep them safe and loved. I always felt that I needed time to have my body repair and rejuvenate before I would have another. C., give yourself that time. Tell your husband, you need more time, more space so that your comfort zone with your daughter is not jeopardized or threatened by moving too fast. Your daughter has to feel the love of both of you. Somethings cannot be rushed and your feelings count because mothers, I believe, have been given that "sixth sense" about our child(ren), and your husband has to learn to trust it, too.
You must now share your love with 2 people instead of one, and you need time to take care of yourself, also.
These are such special times, make them feel special as you regain your self-awareness. Be gentle on yourself...your family needs you. (What good would it be for you to be rundown having another child too soon and not being healthy. Don't get me wrong, I love large families, but not every woman has the energy or the will power to bring large families up). In today's society, parents have the toughest jobs.
E.

C.,
First: There is nothing wrong with you.

Second: Whether you have another baby is NO O.'s business but yours (and your husband's).

That said, I feel the same way. I have O. son. I call him my "O.-and-done" son. That usually makes the point in case anyone is wondering...

I have also found that O. of the best ways to respond to an offensive, prying question is "Why do you ask?" Then smile.
This particular question (and smile) makes the point that "the number of kids WE decide to have is none of YOUR stinkin' business. But in a nicer way. ;-)
It's rude, rude, rude for people to assume that you child is merely the "start" of a larger family. Many, many people have O. child.
I am completely content and happy with my only child.
Look, lots of people love and want big families. That's fine. Just not me.
I am happy to shower him with my time and attention. I am delighted to take LOTS of time reading with him. I am thrilled that lots of his friends LOVE to come to my house to play b/c they don't have to deal with annoying little siblings. I enjoy the fact that my O. child gets to do lots of activities, sports and experiences because we don't have to limit his "portion" of our resources. I could go on and on.
I'm not sure how old your daughter is and your feelings may change as she grows. That's fine. Remember this decision is HUGE. We're not talking about getting a second car here, after all. It is a lifetime commitment and only YOU know if you want another baby or not. Enjoy your daughter! Make decisions for YOU based on what YOU want!

This is an easy answer. Just reply with that you are
Very blessed and happy with one and for you that is what
Makes you whole.

I had lots of fertility problems and by the grace of God
Now have two happy, healthy boys. However, I always get "don't
You want to try for a third to hopefully have a girl?". I had
Cancer after my second son was born and had a total hysterectomy
So I can't have any more kids, but constantly I get the "you need to
Have a girl" comment. Since when did it state you had to have a
Certain number of kids or you should keep going until
You have both genders?

Bottom line is it's your life to live and you do what
You are comfortable abd happy with. Because no one is walking in
Your shoes but you! Good luck and Godspeed!

Although I don't have advice for how to respond to people who ask if you are having more children I will say there is nothing wrong with you. Your decision to have any number of children is between you and your husband. There is no right or wrong answer. And don't ever worry about having enough love for more than one child. You can have enough love for 20 or more! LOL I have 2 children. My second one was born 14 months after my first. I had a break down the night before my c-section for my second child. One of the things I worried about was if my first born was going to be hurt one day to learn that we had another child so quickly after having him. Maybe he would think we didn't love him so we needed another child. Well, the moment I looked into my daughter's (second child) eyes that fear was gone and I knew that we would make our family situation work. You will, too, whether it be with one child or more. Best wishes to you.

If your only reason for not having another is the fear of not enough love or time, don't let that stop you. There is always enough love or time for another child. Spoken from a mother of four :) I do not feel that any of my children are neglected. I take time for each one of them. (special times together or errands with just mom) When i am busy with other things (dinner, dishes etc) they have each other to play with.

On the other hand, if you truly do not want another child then maybe you should not. Make sure that you and your husband see eye to eye on this though. Obviously if he wants another and you do not it will be hard...but hopefully he can see where you are coming from and try to understand.

It is hard for me to give advice on this. I always wanted a big family. I would have been very sad with just one child...or even two for that matter. Every woman is different and some strong in their opinions on this. It does not make us wrong. We all have to do what makes us happy as wives and mothers...not what would make others happy.

It sounds like you made your decision. Tell people you are only having 1 child, if they don't like it that's their problem.

My brother in law has one n is very happy with the one.. People keep asking me is i am going to have any more. I already have 4.. would like more.. But that is me.. Some people are meant to only have one and some are meant to have many.. If u n ur husband are happy then that is what matters.. We are given what we can handle in form of childern. Just never regret the choice.. Next time someone ask if u are going to have any more.. just turn around n ask them the same question... LOL..

I have always wanted 4 children. We currently have 2, and I don't know if it's wise for me to have more as I was diagnosed with cancer when our daughter (our younger) was 10 weeks old.

Our kids are great play mates, and I wouldn't change how we did things, but that was the best thing for us. You and your husband will make the right decision for your family. A lot of people have only 1 child and do beautifully. If you think you're fulfilled and can provide her with the best upbringing, then you're making the right decision.

It's hard to balance the love, attention, expense, and discipline for more than 1 child as each are their own personalities. But, I personally wish I could have more. I just need to balance the risk of bringing another child into the world with the fear of a recurrence.

Good luck!

C. I absolutely understand how you feel. I'm am so content with my 18 month old daughter and having so much fun with her. However, I am pregnant with #2. I feel "bad" as I'm not as "excited" about this pregnancy and sort of feel like I'm "betraying" my daughter by bringing another into the house, but I look at the big picture and know that my husband and I want to have 2 and have them fairly close together. Everyone says that it is normal to feel like "how can I love another child as much as I love this one".

I think it is fine to stay with 1 if that's what you and your husband see as the long term/big picture. Best of luck!

Hi,
I am an only-child and also the mother of an only-child. Having an only-child was our decision. We are asked ALL the time when we are having more (my son is 3.5). We respond with "we're one and done." Many people push and try and "talk" us into having more (like we haven;t considered all the pros/cons), but we know what our family should look like, and that's the three of us.

The decision is for you and your husband to make. You may not agree with one another and therefore it will be tough. It's a journey you must take together (making the decision) and I wish you all the luck with it.

C.,
I don't think that you need to justify your reasons for not wanting another child. It is your personal decision and no one else has any right to put their opinions on you or make you question your decision. Honestly, I would just say to those who ask... Right now Im happy and content with raising my daughter. Good luck and cherish every moment to the fullest!

Hi, C.:

It is okay to want one child.

It is okay for people to ask if anymore are coming.

It is okay for your husband to want another child.

That being said. How do you respond so that you are being kind and not feeling guilty?

Look up funny responses and have them handy to respond to people. Turn the tables on them and ask them about how it was for them in planning their children.

Have a conversation about it.

Good luck and thanks for asking. D.

You don't have to explain yourself to anyone. And it sounds like you have more than enough. "My one child is enough for me" should be enough for anyone to understand. Don't let anyone, including your husband, pressure you into doing something that you're not comfortable with. You may change your mind down the road. If you do, great. If you don't, great. It's that simple.

K. B
mom to 5 including triplets

http://groups.yahoo.com/group/HarrisburgPAChat
events and chat within 2 hour radius

Dear C.,

Honestly I find that sometimes what comes out of the mouth of some people -- especially total strangers -- is not even meant to be remarked upon, let alone worth remarking upon, and completely inappropriate! Sometimes it's easier just to smile and nod your head! Think to yourself, "that's nice" and move on. That way you won't seem rude, and maybe they'll question their own sanity as well as yours. LOL As for your husband, you may have to agree to disagree.
Keep on enjoying your blessings!
N

I felt the exact same way you do! My son is 11 years old now and guess what? I just gave birth to the sweetest baby girl in the world. I wondered how in the world could i devote enough love to her and not neglect him and vice versa...God is so good because 7 months into this all is great! My son is the best big brother in the universe and has not gotten jealous once. My baby girl reaches for me and wants me all of the time. I do not know how I have managed to do it but I did. I in so in love with my children. I wish I would have been brought my daughter into the world she has been a constant source of joy in our home. One is great but if the Lord blesses you with another, you'll be just fine. I am super happY!!

Hi C.,
We are a family of three. I just turned 50 so I think I am done. There was a short time when I thought I wanted another child .For us 3 is great and my life is so busy with my work(Creative field) so it would have been difficult with 2 and have a career.Many people asked especially strangers. I would just smile and say we are not sure it would be a financial burden . That would stop the conversation.Then I always get the one child syndrom stories.Spoiled, Lonely,Spending too much time with parents,overly protective etc, etc,
Everyone has to feel comfortable with what they choose in life.We have a great family dynamic . My son is 14. He has his friends but we do alot of things together.We laugh alot and try not to take things so seriously.Basically we are a noisy group for just 3.

Good luck with your decision.
L.

I agree with you 100%. I don't know why ppl keep saying that 'when r u having the next one?' like... my daughter is 13 months old and I just wanna enjoy her and give her all my attention. I know someone who has a 7 months old boy and she already expecting her 2nd (she was also told she couldnt have any kids so she's counting her blessings) but dude.. enjoy the one you already have. I might have a 2nd one a few years down the road, I might not who knows? what i do know is that I'm very very happy with my daughter right now and I'm not really looking to have another kid.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with you ;)

I always went with, "Not until I am done enjoying this one." Good luck to you & enjoy your baby. I enjoy my son everyday (and he is 12).
G.

How old is she? and you? do you work full-time? Your biggest concern would be your hubby, what did you 2 ever discuss? As for the others tell them to mind their own business and if they want a baby tell them to have it. I learned worse thing you can ever ask a person as a former sister inlaw and I both miscarried at same time and those questions really become hurtful and sad.

Trust me your heart will expand to love both or 3. I have 5 and I love all of theml.

I agree, I have one daughter and I am quite content. I just tell people I am happy with my 1, she is happy & healthy. There is nothing wrong with you, you just know what you want/don't want.

no matter how many kids you have, people are always going to ask if you are having more. I have two girls, and you know people always ask if we are going to try for a boy! I wouldn't let it get to you, if you are happy with your decision.

that being said, I don't think your daughter would feel neglected if you had another. and it gives them a playmate! a co-worker of mine said the other day 'why does a productive day equal me feeling bad that my daughter played by herself all day?" I never feel guilty about getting things done around the house because I know my girls have each other to play with! anyway, just a thought!

Hi C.,
People always seem to feel the need to comment on the size/makeup of other people's families, no matter what. A lot of the time I think it is just making conversation or idle curiosity. You don't have to explain yourself to random people. A simple, "We are blessed the way we are," if you want to get that point across, is fine, or if you don't want to discuss it at all, a noncommittal "We'll see," works.
On the other hand, what many moms of more than one child know is that most all of us can't imagine anything more perfect than our one and only first child. And then we have another one, and it is an even greater blessing. I always wanted a second-- an then when I got pregnant with him I worried that it would be hard for my first little darling. I can even relate to your dreams. They are normal and don't mean that having another baby would be bad. They are just a sign that that you are a normal, loving, conscientious mother. Now I have 4 and every child has been greater joy.
Your child would not be neglected. Yes, sometimes you might not be able to cater to every desire your child has to spend time with her or do things for her, but that is a good life lesson to learn anyway. In my expereince adult children with no siblings have a hard (not impossible) time realizing that life is not all about them. Having siblings is a gift. Someone to experience family life with you for a lifetime is a gift (mormal sibling arguments not withstanding!)
Also, realize that no other person, child or spouse, completes you.
You asked how to answer your husband. Unlike those otehr people, he obviously deserves a full discussion. You might not be convinced by the above arguments, but keep an open mind about it.

I'd say " Oh thanks for your interest. We'll keep you posted" then nothing more. That way you've responded, but not really had to get into it with them about your reasons. :)

Good for you.
I think sometimes people just say things to make conversation, I have a really hard time making small talk so i find my self asking questions like that just to have somethign to say, not because i'm judging you or anything.
Don't second guess your desicion, and don't assume that others are either. with strangers, YOu might just say, we haven't decided, and then start another topic of conversation. Close family should understand that it is your choice and butt out.

I'm new on Mamapedia, moving from Mamasource so please forgive me. This is my first response here.

I have an only child, she is now 15. Like you, I felt "complete" after she was born. I STILL feel very complete and would have it no other way. My husband and I do not regret having a one and only.

If you are looking for a downside....family vacations....For the last 4 years, one of her best friends has joined us on vacation. So for that week, I have 2 girls.

Enjoy, they grow up TOO fast.

I don't think anything is wrong. I refuse to have another. I answer honestly that I can not afford a second child nor would I choose to have another, my love for my daughter was so strong that I can not see myself sharing that love with another child.

I don't think anything is wrong with you. How old is your daughter? I have a son who is almost 4 years old and I felt for a long time that I wanted to focus all my attention on him. I didn't want anything to take my attention away from him. I think that is a perfectly natural way to feel. I also think it is completely normal to only want to have one child. I too get annoyed when people ask me when I'm going to have more. I have to admit that I've sort of changed my mind and that I would like more children. I think about how terrific my little boy is, and how wonderful it would be to have another child in our family. I'm not sure if it will happen for us, but I would like it very much. You may change your mind, but you may not. I do think it is important to discuss how you feel with your husband. If he would like more kids, but you do not, you need to discuss it. There are tremendous benefits to having another child, but there are also benefits to only having one. Traveling is easier with one, going out to dinner is easier, finding a babysitter is easier, expenses would be less, school would be less, you would have more money to send your child to better schools. There are alot of positives. Anyway, I don't think anything is wrong with you at all, in fact, I think more people should examine whether or not to have more children. Adding another person into your family is a big deal. Best of luck to you! Also, sometimes when people ask me...I just say, "well, we'll see" or "I'll keep you posted". I try to be nonchalant and vague. It's really no one else's business anyway.

(ADDED LATER) I just read all the comments and it so wonderful how supportive people can all be. All these posts have been terrific advice for me too. Thank you to all the wonderful mothers out there.

Hi C.,

While friends of mine say exactly what Catherine said about finding balance between two kids and that your love will grow to enfold the next child, I totally, 100% feel as you feel. I have a 5yo daughter who is the center of my universe and I couldn't possibly comprehend having another child and end up having one of them long for more of my attention and/or love.

People used to ask me, right after she was born, when the next was coming along and I'd tell them when she's 3 or 4. At the time I meant that. Well, 3 came and then 4 came and went and here I am, with just the one child :) And I'm perfectly content with just her.

My husband stopped asking when we'll have another child because he finally realized that I don't desire one. (he has a 15yo from his first marriage whom we get every other weekend). BUT if I were to get pregnant accidentally, I would (after the initial shock wore off) welcome the child and help my daughter adjust to a new sibling. BTW, she doesn't ask for a little brother or sister, either. Does your daughter ask? I take that as a sign that what we have is what we're meant to have.

Good luck with the "askers" and they will stop asking in time. And just so you know, there is nothing wrong with you for feeling one and done is enough.

B.
another once and done mommy.

I totally agree with Amber & Angela. My husband always responds "one and done" and that tends to end the conversation with most people. If anyone pushes it I tell them I would be happy to have another child if they would like to pay our bills or for childcare. I think that makes them realize that it's really none of their business.

My husband and I have talked about this and while we think we would like to have another child we both realize that we can't afford another one financially. We feel similar to you, that we want to give our son the best we can and to have another child would take away from our ability to provide for him (financially and otherwise). The hard part now is my son keeps talking about having a baby brother but I know this is in part because his buddy at school has a new baby brother and he wants to be just like him.

At the end of the day you have to do what's best for yourself and your family and if that means it's just the 3 of you then other people need to respect that and not keep bringing up the subject. No matter the reason anyone decides to stop at one it's really no one's business and I think people, while usually well meaning, don't realize how hurtful and disrespectful it is to ask, never mind keep asking.

Of course there is nothing wrong with you, all kinds of sized families are the right size! And if you want only one child, that is all the reason you need. However, you needn't think that you would neglect either one if you had a second, it's amazing how love multiplies not divides. I have been astounded at how proud I feel watching my first precious baby become the responsible playmate and guardian of two more-and we never even wanted one! Each new one we thought would be too much and they weren't, of course you know, as everyone always says, they cant imagine life without all of them. So, pick your stance, there is no right number. Try to be as fair to hubby as you would like him to be to you in negotiating. You're lucky he wants more, so many women have the opposite problem. And as for other people's opinion, in all honesty, they ask, but they really don't care. They will accept whatever you decide. We had the opposite scenario of everyone (husband's side) gasping at the third like it was an outrage or a dire mistake and of course everyone is thrilled now.

Sometimes I just smile and say "soon." Then they just leave me alone. I read someone's post about it just something to say to make conversation... and I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and think so too and try not to be offended by it.

Personally, I don't ask people that question. I figure whether they are pregnant, having more children, whatever the case may be... if they want to talk about it, they will start up the conversation, you know?

You never know if it is a touchy subject. And I know too many women who had difficulty having children and how it hurt them to constantly be asked about it. So I sort of took a hint from them, hearing about how it made them feel to have people question them all the time, and I just don't ask unless someone else seems like they want to talk about it. It seems simple enough to me.

But I hope no one is doing it in a judgemental way to you. That seems sort of mean. People do often mention to me kindly that my daughter needs a play mate. I don't see that reason enough to have another child and I just think it sounds silly. Hope you feel better after reading some responses. Sounds like your little one is truly loved!

Absolutely NOTHING is wrong with you!!!! Your feelings are very normal and certainly understandable. Sadly, there is incredible pressure from everyone else and their idea of the ideal which they want to project onto you. It is nobody's business what you choose. Only you know what is right or feels good for you and your family. I am the oldest of 4 and the second two came 14 years later, so I helped raise them- it's a lot of work. Truth be told having a second child really is an increases the load and the dymamic really does change in your relationship with each member of the family and the family as a whole. There is nothing wrong with this either, but it is important to know that things DO really change.

Some friends talk about how wonderful it is with two and they are incredibly happy. But several of my friends have opened up and talked about how the relationship with their first child changed and that it feels like a break up and each mentions a wedge in the relationship as a result of the second child being born. They have each talked about the tension that is present on an onging basis. This will not likely last forever, but regardless it effects all of the family members, especially child #1 and mother. But of course, this is not everyone's experience. You also can't really predict how your child may respond to the next one or what their relationship will be as children and later as adults. (a whole other story)

I have struggled with exactly the same issue of having one child or more. (I have one son who is just about to turn 5) and thought I wanted more. But when i had my son I did not desire any more, I just felt that I SHOULD have more and I really had to think about this distinction. I feel a strong resentment to all the people who insisted, hinted, or matter-of-factly assumed that there would or should be another. This pained me very much, but I smiled a lot and said well, we will see what happens. But after many "real" discussions with my husband we chose to stop after one for several reasons. I really did feel that the work of one child was and still is a lot and frankly, enough. Second, I love the experience and relationship I have with my son. Third, we have financial limitations (I am a teacher and my husband is a freelance writer who has been the stay at home parent now looking for more permanet work) and we agreed that stopping after one would allow us to place all our resources into one child. We can offer him much more (and that's still not a lot) than if he had a sibling. Everyone has thier reasoning and there is no right answer except to say what is right for you and your family. The real challenge is knowing what YOU want to do not what others expect you to do. The hardest thing of all is when you are experiencing a difference of opinion with your husband. Keep the dialog going and I am sure you will come to a decision together. But nothing is wrong with chosing just one. I know many who have (and I know many wonderful only child adults) Good Luck!

I am a 40 year old mother of ONE beautiful 2 year old girl. Me and my husband only want one child. She is perfect and all we really ever wanted! There is nothing wrong with you for only wanting one child. Millions of people only have one child. Some can't have any children. You are truly blessed!

Hi C.! :)

I just want to encourage you that if you do end up having another child, you will surely find a balance between your older and the baby. And the love for your 2nd? It's hard to imagine that you could ever love another baby as much as your 1st, but once you see that precious little face, the love is there. :)

Siblings are a lot of work and your time is shared, but I believe that is a blessing. Take it from me. I've been an only child all my life. My Mom completely doted on me and made me her entire universe. When I was young, that was great! But as I got older, I wanted more separation from her and we really struggled as I was trying to find some independence. Also, it's a bit lonely now that I'm an adult and I don't have a brother or sister to talk to, share life with, etc. I'll never have cousins and I'll never be an Aunt.

A large family is not for everyone, but it's well worth the extra work and sacrifice in my opinion.

~C. (expecting our 3rd!)
http://priority1mail.blogspot.com

C., Honestly, our dreams are a reflection of our happiness and unfortunately our anxieties. Your dreams are totally normal. There is nothing wrong with you for not having the desire to have another child. So many people have one child by choice other by circumstance. So you have every right to feel comfortable with your decision and express that. Please don't get mad at other people. It is just "normal" to ask when the next is coming (I am guilty too and have never thought twice about that...sorry!). They may not know how rude it is or how uncomfortable it makes you.

As for your husband, I am not sure what to say. I wish I had words of wisdom but I dont. I want more but my husband doesn't. I have to respect that b/c he has good reasons (which I asked for to help me understand his POV.) and I do not want to bring an unwanted child into this marriage. He would love and care for the baby but would he be resentful? Not worth my marriage for a child that doesn't exist!!

Good luck and remember--you are normal! Nothing wrong with you!!