On the Fence About Second Child....

I read the article, and I didn't get that so many people don't love their second child as much as the first...

It was a collection of mother's experiences in all directions... those who didn't connect with their second child as instantaneously as their first, those who felt the same with both, and those who kind of pushed the first child aside for a bit when the new baby came along.

I think that everyone's experience is different - and totally what you make it.

I wouldn't place too much stock in any one article, and as I said, it wasn't slanted toward mothers not loving their second child as much... it was a collection of experiences than spanned the whole spectrum.

I think it's fair to say that you will not love them the SAME, but that is not to say that you will love one more or less.

Best wishes in whatever you decide.

Wow..well I have 2 kids and I certainly do not love my second child any less than my first. You will hear this a lot, you love them differently, and you will only understand exactly what that means when you actually have two.

My kids are 10.5 yrs apart. When I was pregnant I could not imagine loving another child like my son. Then I had her and took one look at her and :)! Man do I love that girl. With them being so far apart it wasn't a struggle really. Don't get me wrong I was exhausted, but it gave me the time I needed to devote attention to them individually. Im glad I have 2. Her older brother is very protective!

This is a decision only your and your hubby can make.

My family of 3 are perfectly content. I had no urge to have another and we have no regrets.

Our daughter is 16, very well cared for, stable, secure home, well traveled, her future is set up financially, our retirement is set up... we did not have her to sevure our retirement plan.

If you ask her about siblings, she'd say no way and does.

I can't imagine someone writing that a second child would not be as loved. Sounds crazy to me because I have friends with more than 1 child who adore their children.

Also keep in mind that not all siblings get along.

There is a lot to think about, emotionally and financially. only you can determine what is best for you.

We love our family of 3 as it is and would not change it for the world.

Your daughter does not need a sibling to help "complete" her life. IIn fact, she may have to deal with sibling rivalry and feel "cheated" because she has to "share" your love. If you really are content with your 3 person family, be content!

On the other hand, if you and your husband are considering having another child, dont' worry about loving your second less. I agree it's kind of like asking your daughter now if she loves mom or dad more...it's not more or less...it's different! Of course, that's purely "speculation" on my part since my 2nd is due in 3 weeks. :)

Since bringing another person into the world is the single hightest-impact (to your family and the planet) choice you can make, I would say don't do it, unless and until you are sure you want that more than anything.

Single children can be content and happy, and are no more likely to get spoiled than multiples. I had the most wonderful experience raising my one daughter. She was so glad to be an only that she's now raising a 5yo single son, who is quite certain he'd rather be an only (we've asked him). There is no guarantee that siblings will get along, and if you look around, you will see just about as many siblings who adore and detest each other.

Why fix what isn't broken? You and your husband are perfectly content. Just be sure your daughter has play dates and other chances to socialize. Because she's an only, you will be able to devote more of your time and resources to making sure she has wonderful opportunities.

(I will add that having multiple kids to help deal with aging parents is no guarantee of mutual support, either. Two of my four sisters are both too far away, and too lacking in personal resources, to help with my mother's health issues or care. Another sister pitches in occasionally with the work, but I'm the one who lives close to my mom, so I handle the lion's share of the problems that arise. This pattern is the norm in most of the families of my 60-something friends; there is very seldom a 'fair' sharing of worries, expense, or labor.)

If you are perfectly happy as three then you should probably stop at one child. I don't think she needs a sibling to complete her life. My son is 5-1/2 and has never expressed a desire for a sibling. I can't even imagine making him share DH or me with another child.

Additional considerations may be
1. the impact on the planet. Americans have a much larger carbon foot print than most people in the less developed world. So our decisions can also have a larger impact.
2. Finances - I would not feel comfortable having another child unless I was certain (as certain as is possible) that I would be able to provide completely for both children, including college and any possible health complications. Certainly many people have children without that financial ability and I have no idea (nor should I) of your financial situation.

If you want another baby, do it for all the reasons you had your first.
The siblings might get along or they might not.
People do have another child to keep the first company (my Mom did).
All we did was fight and pull out each others hair till we moved away from home. (Thanks a lot, Mom.)
I wish my younger sister had never been born - I always wished I was an only child.
No matter how many kids you have, you will love them - but they are different people, you will love different things about them.
If you are content as a family of three, well a lot of people are!
There's no splitting of interests/time/attention.
There's no bickering between siblings.
My son is so glad he's an only child and he's never wanted to share his mommy with another sibling.

Wow. I wonder what that means for my 5th.

And I sure as heck didn't birth the last four for the first's benefit! Creating a human being in order to entertain a 4 year old is just crazy talk.

You either want to raise another child or you don't. I'd recommend figuring that out before going for it.

Please post a link to this article. I have a hard time believing that someone wrote that most parents love their 2nd children less. Because that is a bunch of BS.

Edited to add that after reading the link, nowhere was it stated that parents love their 2nd child less. It was they were slower to BOND with the children, and that it did happen eventually. Everyone is different. I had trouble bonding with my first baby because she was so difficult. Didn't stop me from having a 2nd or a 3rd even.

Having another child is a personal choice that only you and your husband can make.

First of all, I don't feel it's true that you love your second child less. I have three children and I love them all the same. However, it is true that it might be difficult for your first child. It was very difficult for my oldest to share the love and attention when our middle child arrived. She both loves him and resents him at the same time even now almost 6 years later. I deal with a lot of sibling rivalry issues. The addition of our third child flowed more smoothly (after the first few months of course). Our middle child adjusted very well to his baby brother, and our oldest doesn't seem to harbor any resentment towards the baby thank goodness!
I don't think a sibling would "complete her life". The most important thing is a happy, stable home. If you and your husband are happy with your one child, and don't really want another, then don't do it just for your daughter. I know many only children who are very happy and content. They get that special experience of being the parents one and only, cherished child. Best wishes!

I have never, ever heard of anything like this before. I didn't feel like that at all with my daughter. I actually was much calmer because I knew what to expect, how to breastfeed, how much work she would be, how much in love with her I would be.

You're never going to love your kids exactly the same WAY because they are different people, but you will love them exactly the same AMOUNT because they are all your babies.

I had to explain this same concept to my daughter when she was about 7 years old & said I loved her brother more than her. Her reasoning was because I yelled at her more than him. I explained to her that there was a reason for it & the reason was that when I asked him to do something, he got up & did it. The first time. He didn't put it off. He didn't ignore me. He didn't pretend that he hadn't heard me. He just went ahead & did whatever was asked of him. She, on the other hand, did all anything & everything to NOT have to do what I asked of her.

I told her I love her brother's brainy-ness, I love that he loves to read books, I love his humor & wit, I love his athleticism, I love his non-pickiness with food, I love that he's snuggly. On the other hand, I love her artsy-little-self, I love that no matter how much work it is, she'll do it so that she can have good grades, I love that she's a dancer, I love that she designs clothes, I love that she cracks me up every single day, I love that she helps me cook dinner. All totally different things, none more important than the other.

I asked her who she loved more, me or Daddy. She said she couldn't answer that because she loved us both. Well, of course, she loves that Daddy horseplays with them, but I tuck them in at night. He takes them to the park & I cook their dinners. He draws pictures with them & I help with homework & musical instruments. We're different people. She loves us both as much as the other, just in different ways.

It'll be the same with your kids.

I have two and there is NO WAY a mother loves her second child less - that is ridiculous!!! Having another is a personal choice. There is no "right" or "wrong". There are pros and cons to both. I will tell you two is more than twice the work... but in my humble opinion more than worth it! Talk to your husband and decide together what is right for your family. Best of luck

She doesn't need a sibling to complete her life. I'm an only child, and I've always been perfectly happy with it. I have dear, close friends who are like family to me and from what I've seen out of many of their and my parent's sibling relationships -often there's a lot that's not so hot! Only have another if YOU AND YOUR HUSBAND really want it!!! Your 4 year old daughter shouldn't have a say in this one. She has no clue what all raising a vhild entails, and right now may say she wants a baby brother or sister more than anything but tomorrow say NO. Such is the 4 year old mind.

As far as loving a second less, I guess some feel that way, but I don't. I have two because that's what we really wanted, and I am so in love with our second, I can't stand it! My husband feels the same way. It could happen to you I suppose, but I think it's probably rare.

Hi -

I felt the same way. My siblings are much older then me and my husband is an only child-while he was convinced our son needed a sibling I was very on the fence. I agonized over it for my son's first 18months. I had friends tell me that while you will worry about not loving your second as much as your first, etc--it will never happen. And that your child's life will be richer for having a sibling, etc.

We finally decided to try and see what happened and presto I was pregnant within a month. I did have the "am I neglecting my first" guilt-but everyone was right. I couldn't imagine our life without both our son and daughter-they love each other-minus the usual sibling stuff :), and our family is so complete now with four. And they are seperate people-you love them each for who they are, not for where they fall in your family line.

BUT that being said-it's such a personal decision and there is no wrong answer, just what is right for your family.

I read an article that asked 'how do you know if you are done having kids"...and I can now answer that I obvioulsy wasn't that entire time I was mulling it over-because now I know we are done and I don't agonize over another.

I agree with Jubee that is B.S. No way that article could be correct.
Just pray for wisdom on this-Only God knows what is best for your family!

JMO - but I cannot imagine only having 1 child. I have 2 - boy and girl 2yrs apart. They are best friends and worst enemies, but they love each other very much and I of course love them both equally. I like the family dynamics with 2 kids (or more :). Kids can play together etc. I think it's good to have a sibling - JMO!!!

There's a lot of valid reasons to have or not have more children (age, financial, complications w/ pregnancy, volatile marriage, etc), but this is not one upon which I would base my decision. I understand the feeling of sadness of leaving for the hospital to have a subsequent child and realizing that your first child will no longer have "all" of you and your attention. I actually cried the night before having my second for this reason. But I didn't experience more or less love for my second and third children than my first. Personalities of children are different and it may be easier to "like" the personality traits of one more than the other, but that's not necessarily related to the love for one child or another. I have 3 kids and I love each of them so much that I would give my life for any of them in a heartbeat.
The article does make some valid points about postpartum depression and bonding. I'm afraid many times Drs and Midwives miss these telltale symptoms and the maternal child relationship is compromised.

Throw the magazine in the trash.

i didnt like kids when younger and i hated the preggo scene. i have 3 girls and what i discovered you can not treat all the kids the same like robotic growing pods. this is why i feel the mag stated what you read, many parents want the second child to have the same traits of the first. treating a husband the same way you are doesnt work, so why would one do the same with the second child.

If you want to follow your heart on a magazine go for it.

I really think you should ignore the article and go with what you and your husband want for your family. Everyone's experience is different, but I think you should try to go into it with a positive attitude. Having a second child will definitely be different from the first; when you have your first baby, the world revolves around him or her. When you have your second, your time is more divided, so he or she will not be the very center of your universe, and neither will your first child. But they will still be loved by you. However, there are many families with only one child and they are also perfectly happy, so I believe it is a very personal choice for every family.

I have two kids. They are two years apart. My second baby (my son) was not planned, so when I first found out I was devastated. I thought I had ruined my daughter's life by having a second baby so early (we were going to wait until she was a little older because I thought their sibling rivalry would be worse if they were "too close" in age). I asked my husband what he thought. He said "She'll be fine. It's great for her, because she will have someone to play with." When seeing it from that perspective, I became a lot less worried. And he was right. They love each other very much (when they aren't fighting) and play together all the time. And I love them both and can't imagine my life without either of them.

The coolest thing about having a second child is seeing how different he is from my daughter. You go through things with the first child and realize that with later kids, it's not necessarily going to be the same. Every child really does have his or her own personality. My daughter was cautious and didn't walk until she was 14 months old; my son was ready to move as soon as he could and took off running at 10 months old. As a toddler, she had moments where she could sit quietly and play for a long time; while he never wanted to stop moving for a minute. She has a lot of similar personality traits as her father, while my son takes after me a lot. It is fun to see how different they are, and I definitely haven't felt like I love one more than the other. They are both amazing.

Good luck with your decision!

oh, of course you would love your second child the same as your first!!!! please dont listen to that article, it is a bunch of hogwash!!!!! i have a 2 year old son and 7 month old twin sons, and I love them all the same!!!! of course there are different things about each of them that make me smile, but the love is so the same. if you want another child because YOU WANT ANOTHER CHILD, then go for it. dont do it just because you think your daughter needs a sibling. you and your hubby should sit down and talk about it before you make any decisions.

Why not sit down and talk to your child about it. See what she says about a new sister or brother? I did this with my son and he ALWAYS said, " NO , he wants to remain single. " :) to this day (he is now 9) he still says.. NO more kids... of course, your child's response really shouldn't be the sole reason you base your decision.. but it's worth discussing to some degree. Additionally, I used to think that my son needed more siblings and while yes, part of me still believes that another part of me believes that he is doing just fine as he says, "being single" ... Also, if you are younger, then I think you have more time to consider this... (if all goes as planned fertility wise) but if older.. then I do think you might want to consider soon.. this isn't to scare you into an answer but rather having known many women in their 40s who waited (myself included) it does become tougher to conceive and when that happens, then you have not only the wanting of another child, but also the possible long journey of getting there... perhaps write down on paper what you consider all the pros/cons to having a second child (including age, fertility, desire, etc..) and see where that takes you..

best of luck

Of course your child doesn't need a sibling to complete her life. There are plenty of children who have complete, fulfilling lives without also having a brother or sister.

I have two children. I love them both. I am the second born and my parents love me. My husband is the second born and his parents love him. In fact, I know of no one who has second, third, fourth, etc. child that they do not love.

I think if you are easily swayed by an article then you probably should not be having a second child at this point in time. Good luck.

Don't let some dumb article keep you from having another child! That is so bogus! Every one of our children has been a blessing, and we love each of them so much, and they're so different, and uniquely wonderful. And it's good to have a sibling in this world!

Like you, we were on the fence about having #2. We decided that we wanted our son to have a sibling (I can't imagine not having mine growing up and even now!), someone to play with and to watch each others backs...so we decided a family of 4 is a good number. Our daughter is 3 years younger than our son and we cannot imagine our family without her!! It is awesome to see them interact with each other right from the beginning. And when they give hugs and kisses to each other it melts my heart.

i think that article is untrue. i can say, though, i love my second different than my first - but not more or less. they are also different children - personality wise, gender, etc - and people don't always love each other the same. think about your parents - you probably love them both but in different ways - or your spouse and your child - it's all relative. we really walked the line about having a second and finally decided to go for it when our son turned 4. i have no regrets - its great to see them together - they truly love each other - and they are good friends and playmates - and to my daughter (the baby) my son is her world. however - it is definitely more expensive - you have to take into consideration the needs of 4 vs 3 - which is considerable - but overall we're happy - i can't imagine my family any other way.
good luck