How Do You Know When Your Family's Complete?

I always wanted 4 children. I grew up with just my brother and me and we both wanted another sibling to tag along with. However, having 3 would mean a middle child. And I definitely didn't want the middle child syndrome. When I had my first baby around 2 years I was ready to have another baby, it took almost another year to get pregnant which for me was devastating. Then I got pregnant with twins. When the twins were almost 2 years old I started holding a lot of babies. Other people's babies to see if I would long for another child. I never did, that is how I knew that my family was complete. So I have 3 kids, but I don't have a middle child. Anyway, my suggestion is to hold a bunch of other people's babies. If it makes you long for another one then you know that you would like to have another baby. If you enjoy the baby while you hold it, but are completely okay with giving the baby back to it's mommy then you are done.

Hi C.,

I am one of those moms who knows my family is complete, and it's really just a feeling. I have 3 year old twins, and as they have gotten older I have just appreciated the growth towards more independence and the sense that I can begin to have some of my own aspirations again, since the first two years were so intense and completely all about them. Mainly, when I think about going back to all the baby stuff, I have NO desire to do that again. Another reason is that I am very satisfied with the family dynamics we have with two kids and two parents. It just feels complete.

I didn't expect to feel this way--I always thought that as they got older I'd consider having another, but it's just not the case.

One thing to keep in mind, for what it's worth: On any decision where you are really torn and go back and forth thinking about...the reason you're torn is because either outcome would be good! So no need to worry about making the wrong decision. Whichever way you go will be wonderful!

All my best,

S.

Hi C.,
you say that maybe you would like another one but not now. Is there some reason why you need to know now if you want another one in the future? If you don't have to know now (if you are not considering permanent procedures), then don't worry or over analyze it and you will know when you want another one or life will continue and you won't feel the need or want for another one and you'll know that your family is complete.

It is a very personal decision. Life is full of twists and turns and there is always something new around each corner. My boys are almost ten years apart. I don't regret it and if everything was in place I would have another one.

It seems like you're asking for logical advice to an emotional question. We all have reasons for having the number we do, but it is the emotion and love that drives us. Do you want another little baby laid in your arms, told the s/he is your to love, to care for, and raise? It's a decision with lots of little gambles.

My friend has MS, and can physically only have 1 child. End of story. I wanted 7 and got fertility problems. Ongoing complicated story.

Sometimes its not about what you want, but what you are handed. If the Good Lord had someone for your family, would you welcome that little soul, or pass? Pray about it and see how you feel. Nothing said to your brain logically will move you to greater action. Aaaaand good luck with that! I wish I had the choice....

For me it was just a feeling. Because of my age (43 when I had child #1), we felt that we should stop at 1 child. It broke my heart but I felt that it was the right decision. When #1 was 8 months old, I accidentally got pregnant with #2. (You'd think we would know how to prevent these things at our age! :-). When we had him I just knew we were complete as a family. Even if I was younger, I would be done. Hope this helps although I'm sure your situation is different.

When I finally decided I wanted children it was "one , maybe, maybe two". Well, I had DD and she was such a social little bug that there was no way I'd let her go through life without a sibling. It just wasn't fair to her. So 22 mo's later DS showed up and I knew I was done.

However, even though I know 2 is it for me, every now and again I wonder what a 3rd kid would be like. Then I laugh, thank the stars I don't have 3 and move on :-)

If you know that 1 is it for you and every now and again wonder about two, it my just be a passing thought. We each come to our decisions differently, but as long as when you look ahead in life a bit and you're still happy with how it looks, then go with it whether its one or 6. GL!!!

Everyone comes to this kind of conclusion in their own way... I hadn't wanted children until I met my husband and then it just seemed a given and it felt right. Then after we had our first, our daughter (Alex), I couldn't imagine sharing my love with another child. I was content with just her -- and in fact a bit freaked out at the idea of having two.

However at the same time, I always had this nagging feeling that we should have another. That Alex would have so much fun with a younger sibling to grow up with. And I saw how some of my friends with only one child seemed to struggle with keeping that child from going nuts with boredom during the day. There's only so much time a parent can play throughout each day without the house falling apart and then going nuts, too.

So we were leaning toward having one more... then the decision got made for us when I turned up pregnant unexpectedly :0)

Our son is 2 1/2 years younger than his sister and they are fabulous together. The best of friends. I cannot imagine not having them both now. However, after his birth I also knew beyond a shadow of a doubt that we were DONE. I don't have any desire whatsoever to have another baby.

I understand your conflict on this. Just get quiet and listen to your soul... you'll know what is the right thing to do for your family. Whatever you decide will turn out to be the best possible choice -- things like this just have a way of working out for the best. So keep that in mind and let that take some of the pressure off of you. Relax about the choice and let the answer come to you. Good luck!

I think it is important to think about finances, your emotional capabilities and your time. I grew up in a family of 13 kids. my husband grew up with 8. both of us did not get much individual attention from our parents. my family grew up with very limited resources, sometimes not enough for us to eat healthy. I don't think that material things are the most important but I do feel you should be able to feed your family healthy foods and not purposely put yourself in a situation where you have a hard time doing that. My mom always says which one would you send back. you don't. you love them once they are here and you would never give that up. but I don't believe it was the best financial or emotional situation to put kids into. I wouldn't make that decision after growing up that way. more than the finances is the emotional care, the time to give to the kids. I didn't have my parents at many of my school events. I found rides to band concerts, plays...they were just spread too thin to do all of those things and I think it is so important to be there for all of that. PPD also runs in our family and my mom definitely had that or some other form of depression she was abusive to us. When I had PPD it frightened me. I have one daughter and we made a decision after a miscarriage after her that we wouldn't put my body through the pregnancy or the ppd that comes after. it wasn't fair to my daughter or my husband to knowing put us in that situation again (it was really bad) some days I worry about her being an only child esp. because I grew up with so many siblings and it is so foreign to me. I've had people tell me I am being selfish not having more kids. maybe...I want to be here for my daughter to give her love and attention and the time she deserves. if my depression isn't under control I won't be able to do that. we did make a permanent decision. it was hard but it was right for us. I agree with other moms it is individual to each of us. will I regret my decision in 6 years? no. knowing that I knew we had made the right choice. we might adopt later if we choose to. we host kids from Korea, that kind of just fell in my lap. I dont know each of us has different needs and abilities to give to our kids and families. I think it is a decision only you and your spouse can make together. and whatever decision you agree on together is the right one.

You have some great responses here but I'd like to give you a different perspective to think about.

Both my husband and I have siblings that are 7-8 years apart in age from us. It was difficult for both of us to feel close to our siblings because it was an awkward age difference and there was a disparity of how the younger sibling was treated in each family - each a unique situation in itself. My hubby is the younger brother to an older sister after his mom spent many years unsuccessfully trying to get pregnant again. I am the older sister to a younger brother, who is the product of my mom's 2nd marriage.

Two different situations but the end result is that we both wish we had a sibling(s) that were closer in age to us so that we had the opportunity to be playmates and possibly develop closer bonds.

If you really think you might want to have another child, consider the age difference between the kids. The spacing is pretty important from my perspective. If you think you're done, then don't worry about it - she'll be perfectly happy being an only child and you can encourage her to form sisterly bonds with her friends!

I have heard this often, "if you don't Know your done, your probably not done". Then you have to ask yourself the most important question,
Do I want another person in the house/ family?
Go with your answer.
Many people just need a baby fix and don't necessarily want another person around. For that I say, make friends with someone who is still having kids. That way you can have your baby fix but not the extra person. If it is for the desire for your child to have a friend? and the answer to the question is no, then surround her with good kids her age.
I agree with the those that have said years between matters. I have found that siblings between two and three years apart make very good friends and its easy on mom.
Good luck with finding your decision. If you are religious, you could involve God in it too. Might be easier then just relying on your own mind.
Wishes of Luck to You
E.

I just had my first and I can't really give any advice on how to know something like that, but I just want to say that when I was preg, an older friend of mine said that it was "cruel" to have an only child- this sucked, because I am not planning on having anymore for at least three years and if much time goes by after that then I probably won't want to start over anyways. Plus with too many years between, it seems like raising two only children.

I have since talked with others about this and have found out that they were only children, and they were happy and they're not snobby. There's too much social pressure that a "family" has to be more then one kid. If you're all happy and your dd has a good concept of others' needs then you can just look inside yourself for the answer and don't think that you HAVE TO have anymmore children if you aren't sure you want them.

Until something permanently prevents further pregnancies you can delay making the decision. If you are unsure delaying sounds like a good idea (personally I delayed 6 years between mine).

It is a personal choice and you just know when you are ready to make the decision or it is taken out of your hands.

If you aren't sure, best to leave your options open. For me, I always wanted 4 and my husband wanted 2, so we compromised at 3. I have those 3 now and it feels really weird because I want more, but I know I'm done. Although my "feeling" is that I'm not done, I knew I needed to find common ground with my husband so we could both feel okay with our choices. I think you should have a good talk with your husband about the way you feel and see where he's at, maybe he could help you come to a decision. Whatever you decide, it's a choice you make between the two of you and there is no right or wrong answer.

W. Nichols-Dewey
www.birthfirstdoula.vpweb.com

What a tough situation! After two kiddos, I knew I was done. There was not one more thought of okay... maybe just one more. If I did end up pregnant again, I would have thought... oh boy instead of oh wow! I have been selling all of my baby things without looking back. I have always heard that if you feel like there's a little inkling that you'd like one more then by all means go for it! Don't regret not going for it! Kids are such a blessing and you'll be so in love with your next baby too!

It is a personal decision. My husband and I discussed over and over how we would like 4 kids 2 boys and 2 girls if possible. God had other ideas. I had very bad pregnancies and told the doctor to tie my tubes my health was at stake. We always figured we could adopt down the road if lead that way. We did try to adopt a family member from out of state and it did not work out. We did temp foster care that showed us more kids are a handful.
You should look to your live right now and see how does another child fit in. But also looked to your heart and your husbands. Just talk through it and Your answer will fill right. Whether you say no or let's have another. When my son held his baby brother at 4 he was thrilled. He has a permanent best friend except for fights which is normal. Best of luck to you both.

I don't have any personal experience with knowing that our family is done, I am just beginning. Although after what I went through with my first I really didn't think I wanted to have any more. I am still totally not ready and scared to even think about it but I just know that there is another one that is supposed to be a part of our family.
But about knowing when you are done I can tell you my mom's experience.
I am the oldest of eight children. Whenever my mom was about to get pregnant we would all be around the dinner table or something and someone would say, "are we all here?" and we would all have to count like once or twice to make sure. It was weird but that happened like every time. Sometimes my mom would say, "no, don't say that." Probably because she didn't feel like having another one, but the family didn't feel complete. My mom always felt like she was supposed to have another girl. She got really frustrated that she kept having boys. It took her six years between number seven and eight to come to grips with having another one, but as usual we all started saying, "are we all here?" PLus my dad started saying things like wouldn't it be fun to have another one. But when the eighth one was a girl, she knew she was done and she felt completely comfortable with getting things fixed so she couldn't get pregnant on accident. I know my family is a really big one but i think you will be able to feel complete and you'll know.
I think as long as there is doubt in your mind just stay open to the possibility.

There is no right or wrong to what you feel is right. This is such a personal decision. As for our family we are done with only one child. From the logic standpoint we looked at how old we are now ( I always wanted to be done by 35 because I hated having older parents), where we are financially, and what we wanted for the future. There are benefits to an only child and for our family it is a great choice. We get to spend more time one on one, I didn't have to work, and we have extra cash to do extra fun things and travel. We will be able to give our daughter more opportunities. If an only child is what you want then dont let anyone make you feel like you are being selfish or that you daughter will suffer without siblings. Just give her opportunities to make friends There is no guarantee that your kids will get along anyway. I came from a large family and only a few of us get along and really some of the best "sisters" I have are friends that I have had since I was a child.
Emotionally is the harder side of our decision. Its all about feelings. I love babies, I want a second chance to do things better, guilt because I have an only child and I always thought we would have two because thats what everyone else did. It is amazing how many times at school when she has had social problems the term only child came up like a disease. I wrestled for several years with the should I shouldn't I . Then it just became ok, I felt at peace most of the time and it just felt right. I still have days that I wonder what it could of been and its been hard lately as we are getting rid of the baby things, but I realize that would of been hard no matter how many kids I had.
If your still on the fence, just dont do anything permanent. Your daughter is still young and you might change your mind. I wouldn't worry about how close in age kids should be. As kids they may not be close, but as adults it doesn't seem to matter at least in our experience. The sister I get along with most is the one that is almost 17 years older, and my sister had 2 other sisters that were only a year apart. The same goes for my husband and his youngest brother of 14 years difference, yet he has a brother with only 3 years difference.
I am so sorry this is so long. I just wanted you to know you are not alone. It is a hard process. It kind of sounds like you are happy with your family and that is wonderful. Again if you and your hubby feel no need for another, there is nothing wrong with that. I love my little family and enjoy having an only child. We are 99.9% sure we are done ( I had a weak moment and dropped to 98 when giving away baby stuff) I dont think we are ever 100% sure. As people it is our nature to think things to death. Best of luck and wishes in your decisions.

I thought for a long time my son would be an only - he was a tough baby and I had a bit of post partum depression and swore I'd never go through with being pregnant again. However, around the time he turned 4 I began to realize he was growing up and didn't need me as much - and the urge to have one more became really strong. We started trying and got pregnant right away. I had problems early on in the pregnancy (were told we'd only have a 50/50 of my baby making it) but she pulled through and is truly our miracle. Not a single regret...

You'll know - and my guess is once your little girl gets a bit older you'll go for it...

It's truly wonderful to watch the two of them interact - she is 5 months and he is 5 years but they love each other to death!!!

Good luck!

Kim

If you, in your heart, want another baby, then you should try to have another one.

You will never regret having another baby. Once a new baby is part of your family you wouldn't be able to bear the thought of not having that child to raise and to love!