Can Only Children Be Happy?

I think having one child that you loved is plenty. A sibling doesn't guarentee you won't be lonely. In fact, everyone gets lonely sometimes, it's how you deal with it that counts. One is perfect in my mind.

I certainly am! If you want to have a second child, by all means do it, but don't do it for your first child. I am an only child and although some people think I am spoiled (mostly people with multiple brothers and sisters), I have never felt that way. Yes, the holidays were always larger for me because my parents could afford-- and wanted to -- buy me lots of things. They were able to pay my college tuition and we always went on vacations-- not necessarily expensive ones, but trips to the beach where we spent time together. I had cousins I spent time with so I was never lonely.

Also, growing up as an only made me appreciate the time I spent with my parents.

As long as there is interaction with other children at a young age-- preschool (which we didn't have when I was little) or relatives or friends' children, I don't see the problem.

As for being sad, I was never sad or lonely. Treat an only as you would any other child-- with love and discipline. Then you won't have a spoiled child.

Of course when you don't have brothers and sisters you don't know what you are missing, but as for me-- I wouldn't have it any other way-- honest!

L.

I debated on this myself. Ultimately we decided to have only one; my daughter is 5. Life is great. We're less stressed financially and I can give her all my attention. That doesn't mean it's the right decision for everyone. Basically, I realized my 2 best friends were grown up only children and they are happy, well adjusted, fun people. Good luck,and I'm sure you'll be happy eihter way.

My daughter was an only child for the 1st ten years of her life- the happiest most secure child you could ever know. I spent so much time with her and she was so mature because she hung out with adults a lot. She also plated very well with others. She did need her quiet time though and still does better in smaller groups than large. Part of me, though I would not trade my little ones for the world, would love to go back to those times. My best friend has one boy and I think she feels the same as you do. My best advice, ask God and trust the answer.

M.,

My husband and I had always planned on having two kids. The word is "planned". I had several miscarriages. When we got pregnant I always held my breathe. I also had to have a C-section because my son got stuck, he was 9 lbs. Because of our age and my health issues we decided it would be best to only have one child. Also, money was a factor. Kids aren't cheap! We wanted to make sure our son has an enjoyable childhood. I don't buy him lots of toys. I spend time with him and going to fun places. He has friends here his age. Unfortunately we don't have any family out here. We moved here last year from the Mid-west. I think an only child is only as spoiled as his/her parents make him. I make an effort not to buy my son everything he asks for. He has rules and there are limits.

To be honest, I really want to have another child and I think in the back of his head so does my husband. We just know that having another isn't the right thing to do. Our son is a well adjusted 3 year old. I want to be able to take him places and do fun things with him. If we had another child I don't think we could do as much as we do. Don't have another child because you don't want you don't want your first one to be lonely. There are some great mom's clubs out there where he can interact with kids his own age. There are also programs at Longwood Gardens, the Philly Zoo, and your local library where he could interact with kids his own age. Good luck. Whatever decision you make will be the right one.

I do believe only-children can be happy. My husband is an only child and I think he is great. Not the best communication skills but I don't know if that has anything to do with not having siblings.

This is more of an FYI about the second c-section. I don't want another c-section to scare you out of another child. I was also dead set against a c-section after my son (a near 10-pounder) was born. I got pregnant with my daughter and dreaded another surgery. To my surprise it was wonderful. I was able to plan for it...which is very convenient when you have to plan for a sitter. It was soooooo much less stressful. Much less pain the second time around. The recovery was half what the first was. A planned and organized little bundle of joy. My son stayed with us in the hospital the last night and we watched movies. He thinks hospitals are so cool now.

A second child may not be for you, I just hope you base your decision on what you want for your family. God bless in making such an important decision!

There are many only children who are perfectly content with their lives. While there are many stereotypes they are just that, stereotypes. It is an entire assumption based on what happened to a few or what a few have become. If you do not feel that you want more children then don't have anymore. You do not do it for your son, you have more children for you. You could end up resenting the fact that you had another child and therefore take it out on your children. I have two children but I am completely content with that fact. I had my tubes tied after the second one. I am sure that your son will be fine without a sibling. As long as you and your husband love and support him and teach him right from wrong, he will be fine. Every kid, whether they have siblings or not, have hiccups along the way. Just be there for him, keep him active and let him know you love him and it should be fine.

Hi M.,

I'm an only child. I think I'm pretty well-adjusted and happy, and I don't think I fall within those only-child stereotypes...I'm not very selfish at all...

Anyway, I always wished I had a sibling. Even now, as my husband and I decide when and if we will add #2, I wish I knew what it was like to have a sibling and wish I had an idea of what age differences between siblings are best. I am sad that once my mom and dad are gone, that it is only me left from my family. I would love to have the friendship of a sister or brother. I wish my kids would have aunts and uncles. Saying all that, I really think that if my parents would have had more children my mom may have lost it. I was a great kid, but my mom doesn't handle stress very well and I can't imagine her juggling the schedules of more than one child. It may have been a blessing that I am her only. For her sanity if anything.

A nice thing about being an only is that I have my parents here for me all the time. My parents have helped me and my husband so much, and I know that it wouldn't have been possible for them had there been more children. They don't have to worry about playing equals.

I can't really make an arguement that being an only is better than having siblings because I have no idea what it would be like to have them. My husband it also an only, and he and I don't want our daughter to be an only, although if I could never have anymore children I would not be devastated. I would like to learn about sibling relationships and since I will not learn about it myself I will have to learn through my children.

If you do not want more children, I would not worry about how it will effect your son. He will be fine either way. He will do best with what is best for you and your husband.

I think Tatiana said things very well. I am an only child and from my perspective, it was a very lonely situation. I always wished I had a sibling when I was growing up and now as an adult I still feel that way. There are pros and cons to any situation and you can't guess what another person might want for their life. I don't think you should have a child for your son's sake. It should be a choice you make to add to your whole family. Any child is a blessing and truly a gift for all who are touched by them. If your son needs a playmate try a playgroup or get him a pet not a sibling.
When I had my second child, I was so worried that my "baby" girl would be so misplaced by the new addition. At the time she was 2 and she never missed a beat. Those two are as close as can be and love to play together. They have moments where one or the other is frustrated and they need their own space but then they can't wait to get back together. Now at 5 and 3 they are wonderful little helpers for me in taking care of my 6 month old boy. The bottom line is to do what is best for everyone involved.
As for having another c-section, I know how scary that must feel for you. Have you looked into have a VBAC delivery? You might want to shop around for a new Dr. who will give you the care that YOU want and need. Just a thought.
Best wishes!!!

Hi M.
I am 42 yrs old and I am an only child. I had a very pleasant, happy childhood. I have to say, that I have spent my whole life wishing that I had at least one sibling. I have always been envious of friends that had many siblings...and as we have grown much older now, I see that my friends are so close to their sisters/brothers. I remember also, thinking back now, how lonely it was for me when I was stuck in the house, as a young child...bad weather out/raining.....and wishing that I had someone to play with. Also, my parents did a fair amount of traveling/vacationing.....I also found that very lonely, because it was usually all grown ups and me. Now, both of my parents have passed away....both at young ages. The responsibility of caring for them....having cancer, and dying, making all the arrangements fell soley on me, since I had no siblings. Needless to say, I am not a fan of the "only child" family. LOL. I have four kids of my own, and I honestly wanted a very big family.....maybe because I didn't have that growing up? My first three kids are very close in age and are now teenagers 13,15,17 and I also have a 6 year old. My older kids all do things together, they played with each other growing up, didn't ask for play dates with other kids....because they had each other to play with. Also, my youngest has the older sibs....and is constantly entertained. Anyway...I know this is a big decision for you. I had three c-sections...and wouldn't let that scare you away. Good luck with your decision ,I know it is a big one.

So many responses! I don't have time to read them all, so perhaps I'm echoing what others have said. Whether or not you have more children is a decision you and your husband should decide. I have several friends who are only children, and they are certainly happy and well adjusted people. They do, however, all either say they wish they had siblings or wonder what it would be like to have siblings. I think there is an element of the grass-is-always-greener in those statements, however.

I also know two other adults who have an interesting take on having sibs and not having them. One is a friend whose sister died when he was 12. He said that he and his sister were never close before she died. He was fairly young when she died, but now in his 50s, he does think that they would have grown to have a supportive adult relationship, which he sees happening between his son and daughter as they grow older.

And just recently, my son's girlfriend and I had a conversation. She is 19 and her little brother just had his 8th birthday. She has a very distinct memory of being an only child, and now, even with the big age difference between she and her brother, she is very happy to have a sibling.

And of course, you can have the other extreme. I have one brother, and we have absolutely nothing to do with each other. I think both of us would prefer to be onlys. (Long story.)

The point I'm trying to make is, there are no guarantees either way. However, if you love your child(ren) and provide a loving, stable family, whatever you decide, you will raise up good people.

As an adult "only child", I can tell you that I did miss having a sibling, but in the words of Dr. Kevin Leman, I'm a "super oldest" or something like that:) I'm sure I've been a pain in the butt to some folks, but I have mostly excelled in most areas of my life. With no siblings to compete with, I had my parents undivided attention (and cashflow to help with education), no hand-me-downs, no debate about where to have holidays, etc. We joke that we weren't rich, so I was "spoiled with attention". However, as an adult, my only gripe is that I am solely responsible for one of them if something happens to the other.

The size of your family is your own unique decision, taking into account your health, finances, personal situation, etc. Your child will not be "scarred for life" if he is the oldest or an only. Some folks may judge you if you have 1 or 10, but you have to do what is right for you and your husband. If the two of you are having a baby for your son's sake and he's one of those kids that really resents a sibling, that would be heartbreaking. Remember, you are the parents!

Take care and good luck!

Hi M.,
We have an only son (almost 6).
Sometimes I wonder if we should have had another, but mostly I am comfortable with my decision to stop with O.. I had 3 miscarriages before my son was born.
I was 39 when he was born.
Also, we think it's great that we can devote out time, attention and resources to O. very blessed child. He tells us all the time that he does NOT want another baby in the house. He has LOTS of buddies and play dates. He also spends time with his cousins. He is well-adjusted and fine. Very bright and intelligent.
Do NOT cave to pressure from friends, relatives, etc. They are NOT the ones who will be most impacted by your decision--you will. It's easy for someone else to say "go for it!" when they are NOT the ones responsible for and dealing with a child. This is a lifelong decision! Best made by you and your husband.
My husband & I are very type A personalities and we know our limits! LOL
Choosing to have O. child or another child is a very personal decision. Discuss it with your husband. The two of you should decide what you think is right for YOU. Good luck and God bless.

Hi M.,

Stereotypes are exactly that - usually false or exaggerated. My 15yo dd is on only child and very happy to be; we planned on more than one, but I developed health issues. However, I have learned that God's plans are always better than mine! She has a nice group of close friends, and she occasionally is wistful at their sibling tales; but we have asked her many times and she adamantly would not trade the benefits of being an only for a sibling of her own.

She loves having all the times that we spend together (although we have always been careful to not be "on call" 24/7, so that she learned early that sometimes she needs to wait for things); the many educational, life-enriching vacations we have taken together and endless field trips, activities, etc. that would not have been difficult or impossible with a younger child in tow. She pretty much has her choice of exrtacurricular activities, with no other schedules to compete with and no division of resources (mainly $$) to worry about. We'll be able to help her with college, though she will be expected to contribute for the sake of responsibility and "ownership".

We homeschool, and even without the standard classrom peer group, we have provided many outlets for her to be with people of all ages, not just same-age peer group. We have been told countless times how polite, well-behaved, mature, well-adjusted she is, how amazingly well she interacts with adults, the elderly, how nurturing she is with young children (a concern I had about her not having younger siblings - TOTALLY unfounded; in fact, she loves being adopted as "big sister for a day" when she visits friends who are often annoyed with their younger sibs, and the little ones LOVE her patience and attention in between her visiting with her friends), etc. And all this while still being able to interact with same age peers, although her tastes and interests differ quite a bit from typical teen "culture" (which is fine with her and us!).

I have 2 older sisters, and neither of them is among my closest friends. We talk and we help each other out as needed, but we are not what I would call close. There is a lot of conflict of opinions and parenting styles, despite all being raised by the same parents. So giving him a sibling now does not necessarily mean they will be best friends for life. I know a lot of people who have this same experience. Sorry if that sounds harsh, but it is what it is, though I'm sure other people have a different experience. There is just no way to know what yours will be. Moreover, sad as it is, having more than one now does not mean they will have each other for life. A friend of my daughter's lost her little brother to cancer when she was 13; I'm sure there are a sad multitude of cases like that these days, as childhood cancers seem to be growing more prevalent.

Bottom line - do not worry about the stereotypes. If you are willing to invest time, energy and love into making "only-child-hood" work for your son, he will be fine! :-) I'd be happy to email with you if you have other concerns you want to talk about...

I can tell you some things from experience. I am 34 years old and I am an only child. I was very happy growing up, but now as an adult I am not so happy. My parents are getting older adn if anything shuld ever happen to them, there is just me to handle the burdon of taking care of them. They are divorced and I am split into 2 different directions. IT is much rougher as an adult, but it was easy as a child. I felt very loved (an still do!) I just wish I had a bigger support team with me now as an adult. We have 3 children for this reason. Basically for them not for the pleasure of us. I love all three of my girls and wouldn't trade a one of them for the world, but I would have been happy with just one. Good luck in your decision!

I say go for it... i am sure he would love a sibling to grow up with. I would be so lost if i did not have mine to call for random fun nights! ...or lunches, long phone conversations...etc..

Although i am biased... i really think it is very important to have a sibling. It would be sad not to give him one if you and your husband were capable.

the size of your family is totaly up to you. The c-section may not be necessary the next time. I had one with my first, and the next two, I delivered naturaly.

I am my husbands secretary, and come in contact with a lot of people. The only thing I can tell you is, the people who come from a "only child" family, all wished they had siblings, and say that they would never only have one child if they could help it.

This does not mean that your child could not be happy. There are many factors that contribute to a happy child...this is only one of them...good luck

My name is C.,
I was unable to have more than one child; my son is 7. Because I am really involved in my church my son has a lot of opportunities to look beyond himself and help others. He helps with our food distribution ministry, and does a lot of service through Royal Rangers {a scouting group}. He even raised his hand to help take down the Christmas decorations at church, so I took him and he worked hard. He and I sing at the local nursing homes etc. We have a lot of play dates too with church friends and they race through the house messing with my sons things and causing him to really share and deal with conflicts (his friends are wild). My son is very social and I make sure that he is always out there in museums and busy other ways. He is fine and happy, most importantly, he is not self absorbed. C.

Hi M.,
My husband and I have a beautiful 4 year old daughter, our only child by choice. Our family feels complete, so we don't have the urge to have others. I've shared some of the same thoughts as you, and I can't stand it when people say, "oh, she must be spoiled". I'm aware of that stereotype, so my husband and I just try to make sure she takes responsibility for age-appropriate tasks. We certainly don't baby or pamper her. There is a magazine/website "Only Child" that you may find helpful.
My daughter is happy and can share as well as any 4 year old shares. She has been in daycare part time since she was 3 months old, so she has always been surrounded by children. We take our vacations with families with children, too. Good luck and know that there are many parents who choose and thoroughly enjoy their well-adjusted only child.

Hi M.,

An only child can be happy if the parents are happy that he/she is an only child.

If you are concerned about the stress of having another baby by C-Section, look up information on the web under "Vaginal Birth After C-Section."

www.umm.edu/pregnancy/000150.htm

Hope this helps. Good luck. All the best. D.

Hi M.,
I was wondering this same thing, my daughter is 4 now, and we are all totally happy, I always thought that should always be atleast 2 kids, until my life took a turn, my brother at 40 died of a heart attack, leaving me an only child at 38, so I appreciate your question and can't wait to hear responses.

ABSOLUTLEY!
M. it can be a positive thing! I had my daughter at 23 weeks C-Section and thats no paradise either way you look at it,so no more for me!
My daugher seems to be well adjusted at 3 and plays well with others and we and I spend ALOT of one on one time together. So many adult aspects to look at when having another child. The children accept and handle what ever you accept and handle well. I am a single child and so was my mother and now my daughter (didnt plan it that way) thats just how it happened and it can be done successfully!
I have so many dreams for my daughter and things for her to see and do and they all cost money,so in order for me to provide her with those things one is the way to go for me!
I wouldnt put too much pressure on your self and husband to "plan" it maybe just let life take its course and if it happens or doesnt then you make the adjustments and be happy with whatever God gives you!
The Tip for raising a single child is Love,Acceptance and communication....
-S.

Hi M.,

I'm sure you don't need my opinion in the least with all the wonderful responses from every one. I'm 23 and have a 2 1/2 year old. I have been wanting to have a 2nd baby for a year now. I want a 2nd baby with everything I am because it's the right choice for my family. I really believe in trusting your instincts and can't help but to feel that maybe if you don't have that want then it's not the right thing.
In saying that, I'm the oldest of four. My sister and brothers are my favorite people in the world. I couldn't stand my sister until she was a freshman and I was a junior in high school. She's my best friend. Part of me wants that so very much for my daughter. I know I can't force them to be friends and just because they are siblings doesn't mean they'll even like each other. I do know that I hope my relationship with my sister and brothers will help my children learn and grow as people. I know that if one of my children ever need anything they have an aunt and two uncles to go to. I want that for my grandchildren as well.
On another note, maybe you and your husband could try and see. Maybe it won't happen and maybe it will happen right away or it'll be another year. That way you know either way that's what is right for your family because it did or did not happen.
I hoped this helped even a tiny bit.
Good Luck

Yes they absolutely can! We have an 8 year old son who is an only child due to pregnancy complications as well and have gone through that same guilt. I hate to think he will possibly be alone when he grows up however, the only reason my husband and I would have another child would be so he has a playmate and more family as an adult. We realized that truly is not the right reason to have another child. There is always that chance as adults they may not even be close no matter how you raise them and our son sees his friends and their siblings fighting or what not and is glad he is an only child. Of course he does wish to have a sibling at times so it's tough but when you are already on the fence about it and feel you want to have a child just for him/her, I think that's your answer. It's truly not in your heart to have another one, just a guilt-driven feeling for your child which we all share. Hope it helps!

A.

My cousin is an only child & is one of the healthiest, most well-adjusted kids I know (well, not really a "kid" anymore--he's in college!).
That being said, just b/c you had a c/section w/ your first does NOT mean that you'd have to have a repeat! I know many, many people who have had VBAC's & even know some one who VBAC'd TWINS! It is absolutely possible & SAFE! (Just FYI--the rate of uterine rupture is LESS than 1/2 of 1% and in 90% of uterine ruptures, both mom & baby are fine AND mom gets to keep her uterus.)

IF you decide to try again, I highly suggest getting a VBAC-friendly midwife & reading "The VBAC Companion" and "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth". They are both fantastic books! I would also take a really good childbirth education class with a focus on VBACs.

Hope that helps some! Good luck with your decision! I can imagine that it's a very difficult one to make.

As others have said this is a personal decision and I certainly believe that there are some positive things to be said for having just one child. However having said that one of the great joys of my life is watching my children interact with each other. Right now my 6 & 3 year old are on the other side of the room from me playing legos with each other in their pajamas and they have been happily doing so for over an hour. It's so much fun to listen to them. While friends and activities are great they are not the same as sibling relationships. My boys will always have each other and they will learn what it means to think of someone else and solve problems with someone else and be mad at each other but still love each other. At one point I felt that I could have been happy with the two of them but I also felt that God had something else in store for me. It turned out to be my twins! The love that my older ones have for my twins is so beautiful. I am so grateful that I took the chance and listened to God rather than listening to my fears. If I had not I would have missed out on so many blessings. If you think you want just one, pray on it and ask yourself if it is out of your fears or out of a settled sense that this is completeness for your family.

Dear M.,

I have 2 beautiful children, so i am not responding to your request but I had to respond to your birth fears. I'm sorry, I just couldn't let them pass.

I am curious as to why you believe you must have another c-section birth? Many women, with the right doctor to assist can have a vaginal birth after c-section (VBAC). I also don't understand why you were told that you had to have a c-section in the first place because your baby was over 10 pounds. My first was 9 .10 pounds and my second was 10.10 pounds. And I also understand the mental stress and added concenr a miscarriage can put on the thought of another pregnancy. I had a miscarriage at 3 months between the births of my children.

Please don't let the fear of a c-section be your concern before you speak with an OB or midwife who has done VBAC and you are given clear concise explanations to your possible birth experience.

Good luck in whatever you decide; 1, 2 3, or more You & your husband are very loving parents to be so concerned and looking for feedback. Your child/ren are lucky to have you as a mom. All the best with whatever choice you all make.

ann m.

My daughter is 10 years old and in 5th grade and she is an only child. She is happy and well-adjusted. When she was very young, I used to worry a lot about the only child issue. When she was 2 years old, I enrolled her in pre-school for 2 mornings a week, so that she would have the socialization that I felt she needed, and I also always made it a priority to schedule playdates and to encourage interaction with other children. She is growing up just fine. When she was 3 or 4, she used to ask me for a little brother or sister, and I talked with her about why that probably wasn't going to happen. (I didn't get into all the specifics -- just what I thought she could understand at her age.) The flip side of not having siblings is that an only child gets great attention and often some benefits that she (or he) otherwise might not be able to have. (For example, I don't know if I could pay for camp for several children, but it isn't an issue for one.) As your child gets older, you will be able to assess how he's doing socially and what you need to do to make sure that he's getting what he needs.

Hi M.,
I am an only-child (big extended family) and my husband and I have decided to stop with one. There are issues with any birth-order (first, last, middle or only). While there are great things to come from having siblings, there are also great things from only-child families (resources, time, money, etc).

One thing my parents learned as I go older (and now I know for when my son is older) is that family vacations, when not with others my age, made sense to allow me to bring a friend. It was a bit more expensive, but in the long run, everyone enjoyed vacation a lot more because I wasn't complaining that I was bored. I know that I am my parents sole cartaker when and if that time comes, so I've had conversations with them to make sure I know what they want.

I agree with the post that said it's very important for onlies to have responsibilties - my parents were strict and I thank them today for it...I never got everything that I wanted...I had to work for it if I really wanted it (I had a part-time job starting at 14 all the way through college).

This is a personal decision. Please know that no situation is going to be perfect. You have to work at it no matter how many you have. Good luck!

WOW, you certainly received many great responses! You and your husband need to decide what is right for your family. You will know if another child "is in the cards" for you. I think if you need to ask then maybe this isn't the best time for a second child.

I was raised with a younger sister, but she certainly received more attention and we were never close and still are not to this day. My husband was an only child and says he doesn't feel that a sibling would've made a difference in his life. That being said, certainly not all brothers and sisters resemble my situation growing up. I wouldn't dwell on stereotypes and other peoples opinions.

For my family, one child is more than enough. I hope that your family can come to the right decision, but most of all your happiness comes first.

Good luck.

I am also having the same problems. My son is turning 8 next month and he wants a brother or sister. Me and my husband both have siblings. I would like to have another baby, but it would be such a huge change from me and I do not know if I am ready for that. There is a good size age difference between me and my husband plus he is active in the military and may have to go back to Iraq again soon. I had depression really while pregnant and after. I still struggle today with depression and other medical issues. I know that my son is having difficultly excepting that he is the only child. All his friends in school have sibling and this affects my son.

Hello Meridith,

Ultimately, the decision is you and your husbands. I have 6 children. There is an 8 year break between # 4 and 5. #4 is 16 and he loves playing with #5 who is 8. They are great friends. I wish I would have had them closer together! #3 child who is 18 is best friends with #6. THey adore each other! The 6 year old loves her sister so much. She is already looking for valentine gifts for her. Both of them always have each other in their thoughts and include them in whatever they are doing. I made a permanent decision NOT to have more children, let's face it I'm getting older. I regret it! I long for the child I feel I missed. Oh by the way I have been on bedrest through every pregnancy but 1! The longest was for 22 weeks! That was baby #3. Baby #6 was twins, but I lost one between 6-14 weeks. So I was pretty much zonked the whole pregnancy but put down the last 5 months. My sister in law had a vaginal delivery after her 1st baby was c section so don't count that out. Keeping in mind it could be a possibility, so what, short term sacrifice for long term blessing! A minor inconvience for such a blessing your lifetime. Just my two cents, but don't miss out on something you may regret down the road. At least don't make it permanent!

Obviously this is a very personal decision. We had trouble conceiving the second time with miscarriages and such but when I watch our 2 boys play together and learn from each other I'm so grateful we were able to have the second. they're 3 and a half years apart. I had two c-sections, so don't let that be the reason for not having another child. I had a friend who had 4 c-sections! but ultimately it's your choice.

I was a very happy only child. My husband was a very unhappy only child. It took a great deal of convincing, but I agreed to have a second and yes, that meant a second c-section. We could had been happy as a threesome, but the joy I feel watching them play together, loving each other, and defending each other makes up for the discomfort I still feel at the sight of the incision. (almost three yeasr later) I say if you have the resources and the space, go for it.

Hi,

I have an older brother, but felt like an only child for years while growing up. He's only 4.5 yrs older than I am, but after he reached a certain age (I think he was around 9 or 10), he didn't associate or play with me any longer. So just because you have a sibling, doesn't mean you'll be close or even like each other.

But, I have a 4 yo daughter and she's my only child. She never asks for a baby brother or sister and is quite happy with the way things are. I know I can devote all my love, time, energy and money to her and her future and not have to worry if I'm not providing the same, equally, for another child.

My choice to only have one child was a very hard decision, but one I'm becoming at peace with.

If your child makes your family feel complete, and you don't feel the motherly urge or desire for more children, then you probably have your answer.

Good luck with whatever decision you make and just be at peace with it.

B.

M.,
That is such a great question .. and so very personal. Only you can make that determination. Only children in a home filled with love and support are well adjusted .. because of how you raise them and keeping them with peers to support them socially.

I understand about your concerns. Doctors told us we'd never have kids on our own .. and we proved them wrong .. I have 3 wonderful sons now 15, 13, and 10.

All three were born by cesarean .. with my first, I spent nearly 18 hours without any success in delivering .. actually went from labor room to private room and finally to surgery so thankful that the doctor made my decision for c-section. My first baby came in at 10# 2oz.
I was too small and he inherited his moms big head!
My labor started at 4 AM and he was born at 11:45 PM .. on Memorial Day weekend! .. we weren't sure if his day would be the 29th or 30th!

My second was born two years later shy one week .. 22nd May .. this one a planned c-section. Normal weight .. but, I didn't progress in labor .. 7lbs healthy baby boy

My third and last was born 3 years later .. this time he was in a hurry and a big boy .. 9lbs 8oz. It was an emergency c-section. And, he was a very healthy baby boy who nursed all of 3 1/2 years .. now 10 years old.

I think children love having siblings .. as much as my boys say otherwise .. they love their brothers. To say that children won't be well adjusted if they don't have sisters and brothers .. isn't really fair. It is all how you raise them .. and if you decide that the concerns over your health in carrying another child are too great .. take comfort and joy in your son. Talk with your obgyn about it .. they can advise you the best on your health and future children.
God Bless,
K.

Hi M.,
I just wanted to thank you soooooo much for asking this question. I am currently in this same situation. I mostly feel terrible b/c friends & family are all asking, "So when's the next one coming?" And if I even bring up the idea of my daughter being an only child, I get the "But don't you want to give your daughter the 'gift' of a sibling?" My answer to that is, "If your siblings were 'gifts', I suppose you would see it that way!" I have 2 older brothers and we have never been close our entire lives. Alot of Moms commented that as onlys they are now the ones responsible for their aging parents. I'm here to tell you, I will be the one responsible for my folks. Just b/c you have sibs doesn't mean they will be responsible or competent in this area...

I loved all the Moms advice that have onlys or are onlys themselves. So, again, thank you!

I had a c-section followed by a vaginal birth with my second child at Allegheny General. It's not for everyone but IS possible. Recovering from my C-section was the worst part of motherhood so I totally get where you're coming from.

Also, there are many kids locally available for adoption if you look beyond baby age. If you decide you want more children when your son is a bit older maybe you would consider adopting an older, local child. The process is much MUCH easier than adopting a baby, the system is literally filled with every type of kid you could imagine waiting for a forever home, and it is not super expensive like for adopting a baby...in fact many times you would be eligible for special tax relief or a small living stipend.

I don't know much about only children, but if the physical part of childbirth is what's holding you back then you can always see if being an only child works for a while...if you change your mind, have another, or even go the way of adoption. You might even be able to ASK your child if they want a younger sibling before considering adoption years down the road.

First Rule of Thumb: Families of any size can be happy. With a loving healthy family unit, your chances for your only child's happiness are as great as the chances of a child from multiple siblings being unhappy if there are other problems in the home. Number of kids does not always equal happiness of kids. Yes, multiple siblings have more chances to share and have more relationships, etc, but many families are happy with only children as well. My friends who were only children don't seem depressed about it at all as adults.
However, the feeling of contentment with your status quo is natural. I was very sad while I was pregnant with number two, because I was so happy with just my daughter. I wrote her a long letter to give to her in the future about my extreme happiness since she was born with only her in my life. Needless to say I could never live without my son now as well and we are happily expecting number three. Watching my kids play together makes me happier than anything on earth. We're a little worried about breaking up the current happy situation this time too, but at least we know now that more kids equals more joy for us, even if we didn't know that about ourselves before.
You can't do this for your son. If you really feel you don't want a second child, don't have one. He is happy now, and so are you, and that will not change. You'll just have to make sure he has lots of friends to share with. You can't 100% control how he "turns out" no matter what, so plan your family in a way that is best for you and your husband. Your son will be OK with is happy home-his reality is what you make it.

Of course he can... however, I do believe that a sibling is the best gift you can give to your child. Think of when you are older. My parents are aging, and I am very thankful that I have a brother and sister-in-law to help me deal with the issues that come with that. I would hate to not have him there as we are starting to deal with medical issues.

Best wishes to you.

My first was an only child for 15 years. I felt badly for him growing up without a playmate, and I had entertain himn most of the time. Now that sounds bad, like I didn't have fun (I did), but it took a lot of energy. My dd is 16 months of and we are pregnant now, and one of the reasons we did is so our dd could have a sibling.
With that being said, my ds is the sweetest, empathetic, creative, independent teenagers that I have ever met, and I am so happy that I was chosen to be his Mom. I think yours will be fine if you decide not to have anymore kids...and fine in other ways if you do have more...I know that's not a difinitive answer, there are pros and cons to both scenario.
Put your two year old aside in your mind (I know it's hard) and ask, "do I want another child?"...take some time for prayer or reflection...the answer will come. :)

Dear M.,
I have always felt like an only child because my (4yr)older brother and I aren't close (thanks to our mother favoring him). My parents moved to this country from Europe so all my cousins, aunts and uncles and extended family are over there. I always wished for a sister, and felt very alone. I didn't want that for my children. I was a single mom to my first daughter for five years before her three sisters came along. Now that they are grown, I see them relying on each other the way I never had anyone to rely on. That is my experience. It is tainted by very unusual circumstances and mental illness in my family. Your child will probably grow up to be healthy and well adjusted either way.
Good luck,
N

Hi M.,

We have 4 kids, in 2 sets, basically, so I can't answer your question with my own household. I have friends, however, who have one son. He's 14, was adopted after many tries to become pregnant. He is well loved, well nurtured and a thriving child. He's been in boy scouts since he was a cub, and they do a lot with his scouting friends as a family. They ski, they camp, he plays sports and they thoroughly enjoy parenting this gift of a son they have. Because they have just one child, they are both there for him. He's definately not spoiled however. He has chores, discipline, all that stuff. He's a good kid, and a well adjusted young teen.

As a parent, I would say that if you don't actually WANT another child, don't have one. You two are the ones that have to raise #2, and if you aren't 100% sure you want another child, don't do it. The stress in the family doesn't add by 1 person, in compounds when you add more people into the family unit. That's not to say it isn't rewarding, but if you have any doubts about wanting another child, I wouldn't go through it, have hte stress load increase, and then potentially feel badly about having had #2.

I think that only children will be groomed into social situations which encompass peers with the values that you teach her/him. Therefore, the child will grow according to the parents' standards. As a teenager, high gear for these standards of truth may be tested. Motivation is the key; and, only when a joint effort by the parents is seen as being valued by the youth will the parents feel the joy of the youth's success.
Having more children in the family allows the child to have a larger testing ground for success in the world.
Major consideration: TOUGH LOVE IN MAJOR FAILURES;
COST OF HIGHER EDUCATION. Boys are easier!

I am an only child and had absolutely no family living near, we also moved around a lot, and I still turned out happy and well adjusted. Maybe overly independant ;) I don't think I was hugely spoiled, but I probably was because I was also the only girl on the whole side of that family for over 50 years lol

I did miss having someone around though who knows exactly what you're going through with family matters. I married into a HUGE family that all live within 1 mile of each other. DH is one of 4, his mom is one of 8, everyone and their kids ALL live close. It was hard to get used to but I absolutely love it now. DH says he doesn't know what he'd do without his brothers and sister. They are his best friends and no matter what the fights are they are always there for each other. It's amazing to see a bond like that. And I will say DH and his sibs are way more spoiled than I was! lol I'm more willing to compromise that's for sure!

That being said, you should only have another child if you're financially and mentally ready to have one and if it's what you really want.

I have 3 children-21,9 and 7 y/o. I personally feel any child can be happy whether they are an only child or have siblings. I would never have thought life could be so great with 3 children. I guess it depends on each person's own personal situation.My first daughter was natural delivery and was 7 lb 2oz.I had 2 C sections with my younger ones-it wasn't that bad even though I had some difficulties with each of them.My son was an emergency section after 3 days of being induced-he was 9 lb 7 oz.With his section, I was awake and my hubby was present. With my youngest daughter, I was knocked out and my hubby wasn't allowed to be there. She was 8lb 13 oz.I had strep B and bronchial pneumonia that resulted in a nasty yeast infection. When growing up, my oldest had rules and limitations.She was never spoiled with material items.She was 12 when my 2nd was born and 14 when my 3rd was born. She did have a short bout of "jealousy" when her brother was born since she never had to compete for attention before. At this point, she absolutely adores her siblings and loves to do fun things with them as well as tell them, when you are a teenager and our parents drive you nuts, just come to my house for a break-LOL!
It is your personal choice, but please do not have another child just to satisfy your first.Have another child because you and your husband want to share your love and wisdom with another child.It was easier having my first 2 so far apart and tougher when my youngest 2 were younger. Now that they are all older it is much easier. I love all my children the same, but love each of them for their individuality. Good luck in whatever you decide.