Older Sibling Jealousy

You really do need to carve out that time for her. Can you feed baby just before daddy gets home and then you and big sis can go for a walk, go to the library, go to McDonalds, or just anything. And you should do bath time and let hubby handle the baby for that 20 minutes or so. I really believe that if you really tried and really thought it was important, you could and would be able to find some time.

Hi there. I don't have much to add except to say my kids are the same age range and my son was also jealous of his little sister. For a while I would have a once a week date night with him. Just he and I would go out to dinner or a movie. We do the mother/son dance each year that our community puts on. I try to take him to the skatepark now and then while little sis stays home with dad so he can show me his tricks. He especially hated it that he didn't get me at bedtime...but all that has changed. My youngest is now 5 and dad can put her to bed while I sit and talk with our son...and have some special time together. It does sound like you are letting the baby take up most of your time and are not giving her enough time with you. I think ever day at baby's nap-time you can always do a special project together or have snuggle time with a movie and popcorn. It's important to her that she still feels special to you. It's hard for a child that young to suddenly have all of mom's attention gone...but in some ways it is also good for them to realize they don't have your attention 100% of the time and it's ok to share you too!

I also nursed a toddler, so I understand. I was also the big sister. I would look for opportunities to include vs exclude your older DD. What if you read a book (she can hold it) while little sis nurses? Or what if you spent the baby's nap time with the older girl instead of trying to get a chore done? Or can you spend a few minutes in the morning with her before the baby gets up? Do you pack her lunch? Put a nice note in there. Etc. And give the younger one daddy/daughter time while you spend time with big sis. Toddler can take a sippy cup at this age, either of water or something else. Or you can pump and leave for the day.

I would also try to catch her being good, and remind her when she can do something that little sis can't. Be really happy about whatever she does at school, even if it's just that she played well at recess. If she doesn't read to you, ask her to. I tell my DD I love to hear what she's learned. When I am cooking, I allow her to "help", even if it's not so much help. And, honestly, if it helps to not bathe the baby (for example) every day, use that time as bonding time.

Which is not to say she can beat up a baby. For that what happens? Is that a way to get your attention, even negative? If so, I would consider going to a calm down corner so that she is away from both you and baby and doesn't get more attention for being bad.

I would start by stopping nursing the baby to sleep, at 19 months she is way past this being necessary. Switch up bed time so dad is with baby (just give him a sippy cup with water in it) and you spend that time with big sister. I had the same issue with my 5 year old when he started school and baby was home all day with me, so I had to make that time every single day to be sure he did not feel replaced.

As for the hitting and being mean, always act upon it immediately, but don't expect it to go away. My boys are wonderful to everyone else, but they are still mean to each other on a regular basis (and are now 11 and 9). Part of that is just from being siblings.

This is within the normal range, but you can prolong it or minimize it with how you handle situations.

For prevention, it may be mostly semantics, but at that stage I tried to never say I couldn't do something because of the baby. For example, instead of "I can't play with you right now because I'm nursing Baby" I say "I can play with you in 10 min. Can you tell me when 10 min is up?" Then, make sure you follow through.

I also never let the younger one get away with behavior just because he's younger. As an older sister, believe me when I say that younger siblings learn to milk that at a young age, long before parents realize it! Do not let your younger child get away with anything that your older child would be punished for - the rules should apply equally to both kids. To do otherwise is a recipe for instant rivalry.

Also, if there is a tussle, both kids always go to time out. Yes bigger sibling can't hit younger. But often younger does provoke it (sometimes unintentionally sometimes intentionally). I don't try to sort it out because there is no way for me to know who really started it. They both go to time out every time. Sometimes they bond over being mad at me, but I'd rather they be mad at me than at each other.

There's nothing like an attention stealing baby sibling to make the older sibling feel like chopped liver.
Big sis gets one on one Mom time ONCE a week?
Good grief, no wonder she feels abandoned.
Shoot for 30 min every day - maybe at bedtime story time, maybe while the other one is napping.
Get a sitter for the younger (or leave her home with Dad) and go do things with your eldest.
You're extended breast feeding the younger - which is fine - but you can pump some milk and she can drink it from a cup or bottle sometimes.
Sometimes reverse it and you stay home with the baby while your oldest and Dad go out.
Big sister will like little sister a WHOLE lot more if they are not together all the time - she's old enough for play dates with friends her own age.
She can't be allowed to hurt her sister (neither are allowed to do that).
You've got 2 kids in different ages in different stages with different needs and you need to parent both of them.

Additional:
Please try to re-connect with your oldest.
It might help to get out her baby pictures and remember when she was your one and only - go through them with her.
Your youngest sort of has you under her spell - we're drawn to babies - we're programmed that way.
But your oldest is crying out for you and you can't hear her.

What about weekends. There is plenty to do with her while Dad stays with baby. Adjust some bedtimes. Maybe let big one stay up later and then you put her to bed. How about when baby naps. It is possible to spend time with big one while baby plays. You have to be creative with your time and everyone will be happy.

My advice--Get out pictures of her when she was a baby and spend time talking about how cute she was at that age, and how sweet when she... and you remember when she.... etc etc Show her how much she was held and cuddled and photographed and celebrated and visited by relatives when she was a baby, especially since she was the First!
Then occasionally say, but it's so great now that you can talk to me, really talk not just coo and gurgle. Notice aloud great it is she can get herself a drink or carry something by herself. Let her "overhear" you telling Daddy what a helper she was today or how well she is doing at school. Kids really give credit to compliments they happen to "overhear". Don't talk about your day at home while she was in school, just that you missed her.
She'll be fine as long as she is getting that uninterrupted one on one time at bedtime every night (Dad must protect that special time if baby cries or the phone rings) and Dad must make it clear that bedtime is HIS SPECIAL time with her, not a consolation prize!