Sex and Good Behavior

Oh geez, have sex with him and enjoy the rewards. How long does it take, really, 15-20 minutes?

You're not a prostitute, he's just one of those men who needs it every so often. Be glad he wants it -- having a man who doesn't "need" it regularly like other men isn't all that great, because then you don't feel desired. I know.

I think that women are the same in a way. If you do nice things for us ( like clean up the house, bring home dinner, bring us flowers etc) we are more willing to be intimate. It works both ways, only men are opposite , if we are intimate they are more apt to do things for us.

My first impression was to ask him if he's been weened yet...WAHAAAAH...

Lets be real here, I get it that he wants it more than you do but you would also like to have a maid and a nanny too but you don't always get what you want WHEN you want it. To simply throw a fit (and that is what it is) because you aren't having sex is ludicrous to me. And very childish. Does he stand in the middle of the living room and stomp his feet too??

Let him throw his fit. I would let him know that you aren't ahppy about doing that laundry every single day either or those dishes or cooking dinner either. And then TALK ABOUT why it is that he's being so unreasonable.

If you want to be honest about it, you kinda had a hand in allowing him to continue to act this way and so now he thinks its perfectly acceptable.

My other half is not an initiator (prolly TMI but...) and I am so tired most days it is the LAST thing on my mind, but I DO make an effort to approach him regularly so that we can "connect". The point: he never ever makes me feel bad for not being in the mood...and his mood never changes whether we have it or we don't (well he is a bit happier when we do...lol). That's what adult do...

Sending good thoughts you way.

My husband does not behave this way, but he does start to get really grabby/gropey after a couple of days without sex. I think you have two separate issues here that need to be addressed.

The first one is a significant difference between men and women. Most men need sex to feel loved, while most (not all) women need to feel loved in order to want sex. In an ideal world, this works beautifully. You and your husband have sex, which makes him feel loved and so he treats you better, which makes you feel loved, so that you want to have sex with him again! It's perfect! It just doesn't account for work, children, and other stresses that can interfere with your desire and energy levels.

Your husband finds you desirable and he needs that sex as confirmation that you see him the same way. This is just how men think. Assuring him that you love him anyway won't cut it, usually. It's not a character flaw - it is perfectly normal for a man to feel this way. This is probably why he is so affectionate and loving when he is getting regular sex: he feels loved, and so he is happy and wants to reciprocate. However, men often use sex as a stress reliever, while women are more likely to want sex when they do not feel stressed. This is an issue more difficult to overcome.

His way of dealing with not getting sex (which is probably stressful from his perspective) is pretty childish, and it interferes with your own desires by putting more stress on you. Since you need to feel loved first before you really want sex, his pouting and crankiness makes you LESS, not more, likely to want sex. I recommend you read "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus," and sit down and have a talk with your husband about why his behavior is destructive to your sex drive. But also keep in mind that he is NOT treating you like a prostitute - he is treating you like his wife, whom he loves and desires on a regular basis. You just need to shift your expectations a bit. It takes hard work on both sides to overcome this communication barrier, and the first step is that you need to understand EACH OTHER. Good luck!

I'm stumped as to what advice I can offer, but will tell you after reading your question I felt very very bad for your husband. This is his way of giving and feeling love. He wants it with you (lets face it, if release was all he was after he could masturbate). All I could think about was how much I would love to have your husband chasing me all around wanting to devour me multiple times a week. I'd feel like a goddess not a prostitute.

I've heard that all mean are the same. Sex and Food keep them happy. :)Have you ever heard of Dr. Laura? I'm not sure if she's on the radio where you are located or not, but she has a website to check out. She has some pretty good views on marriage and how to keep the man happy. Some of her views seem way out there, but the more you listen and actually step back and realize it's not all that hard to keep everything happy and going smooth. One of her infamous lines is "I am my husbands girlfriend"...meaning act like you're still his gf and not his wife...be sweet, loving, cute etc.

I used to have that same problem. And I switched up a few things, even as small as how I react when he comes home. giving him a kiss or something like that. the smallest things seemed to help, and seeing the reaction in him made me want to do it more. it may be hard at first, because it's not what you're used to, but if it makes things easier, it's worth a shot.

www.drlaura.com is her website. she has a lot of really good books too. i've been a listener of hers for quite a while. lots of people call in and she gives advice.

Best of luck! :o)

Hi B.,
I'm going to be blunt with you because you asked a blunt question...
YES...men need a release at least every 72 hours!! You nailed it, if he doesn't get "it" every 3-4 days on the inside he feels like he is going to explode!
I just got done reading a book that said, if a man goes 24 hours without sex he starts to feel the increase, after 48 hours he starts to think about it every minute and beyond that he just has to have it! It's natural, that is how men are wired! As his wife you should respect that he needs it and give it to him, otherwise he needs to find another release. It's not the only important thing in your marriage but it is an important thing. I'm sorry to tell you that you need to try and make time for him and his needs. If you do that, he will be more loving and will make more time for your needs. He loves you and WANTS to be with you...is that so bad that he desires you and gets frustrated when he can't have you, HIS WIFE? He feels disrespected when you don't make love to him, and you feel unloved when he starts getting upset about it. It's a vicious cycle! I challenge you to give in to his needs and see how much other things in your home improve!

Men are made to be this way. It is there high point in life. He must love you a lot. I feel like God made them to replinish the world and the woman for birth control "not tonight honey I have a headache". Men can be pleased so easily. I know it sounds pretty crazy but you will miss that in a few years. And as we get older the body can't function like it use to. My advice to you is to get it while you can. You be in charge of where, how, and make it as fun as possible for you. These are the memories that will last for you the rest of your life. This is how you will bond with your spouse.
Do you have kids? if so the intimatacy you teach your children will ensure thier intimate relationships have meaning. When you have that time alone and you do things together for a common goal it will increase your bond that cannot be broken. You will look at each other differently when not in the bedroom. Others will see the connection that you share. It will bring about harmony. When I was young in the 1960's my parent would wake me up fighting, my mom would say that is all you ever want. Then in the 90's my dad had bladder cancer so he could no longer have an erection and she fussed about that. I feel if they had enjoyed each other all along, when this happen there would have been no regrets. I am a single mother at 54, I do not have a husband to get on my nerves and at this rate no man my age wants to start a family with 8, 10 and 11 year olds. If I had a man, I would show him how much I care about him in ways he would understand and in turn he would show me how much he cares about me by helping around the house. Good luck, life is to short to not be creative. Understand?

LOL! Don't feel like a prostitute and men ARE like this! It's not the most important thing in your marriage. Men are just sexual creatures. They require more of it than we do or they get cranky. My husband is wonderful, but if we go too long without doing it, he gets super cranky. I'll come right out and ask--are you sexually frustrated? He'll admit that he is. We'll do it and all is right in the world. If all you need to do to make your hubby the wonderful hubby he is, is have sex with him, then I say just have sex with him. :) Hopefully he is giving you a happy before, during or after as well. ;)

I hate to have to agree, but sadly guys are built completely different than us. Some of them really do "need" sex. It's sad. I know you've been together for awhile and that makes it harder, plus you've got kids. You're so darn tired at the end of the day all you want to sleep.

Think of it this way. All you want is for him to pick up his socks. Or massage your feet. Or do the dishes. Help with dinner. I don't know which one on this list you want him to do, but I bet there is at least one thing in the house that you want your husband to do every once in awhile. And you feel happy and better when he does.

It's a horribly sad metaphor but it works. Honestly, sometimes just giving him the sex he thinks he needs so badly will help you a lot. Kind of like how much happier you'd be if he gave you a foot massage every day. He doesn't want to, he's too tired but he does it anyway to please you. Or just tell him to go off and "take care of himself". Or something else that is quicker but works as well.

And think of this also. After 11 years he still wants to sleep with you. That's awesome. For a man, when the interest in sex is gone, something is wrong. So this should make you feel sexy and wanted. He loves you and he loves your body.

My husband does the same thing. He doesn't realize he is doing it but I have. We call it the "Evil juices". They need to be released and then they are back to "normal". If you are too tired to do it then "help" him in out other ways! Have fun again. I think we all get stuck in a rut and get our feelings hurt if our expectations are met and then we just get cranky and they can't do anything right. So, just remind yourself about 11 years ago and how intimate you were then and go have fun!

I don't think all men are like this, but i do think couples treat one another nicer after intimacy, and with the promise of intimacy. Not necessarily sex, but touching, hand holding, etc...

So, I would say try intimacy that doesn't end up with hard core sex and see if that helps. It may be that your husband feels loved with sex. So show him lots of loving without sex. At the same time your husband may just have a high sex drive. Try to go with it.

Well, I can tell you what worked for me, and that was realizing that my husband was a grown up, not another child in my care, and that even if I did not tick the way that he did, he could feel the way he felt about life and I needed to bend just as much as he did. Stomping my feet and saying that he should feel how I want him to feel is going to get you sore feet, and not a happy life.

I read the Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands and started doing what Dr. Laura said. Like it or not, men are not like us, and even if you don't buy into everything she says about why, Dr. Laura could not be anymore spot on about how men tick. Not one of them will give a damn if you are manipulating them, they just dont care because they are simple creatures and you have the power in this relationship. The only power you don't have is to make it just exactly they way you want it to be. Men are really simple, so stop trying to make them complicated. Yes, sex is the answer. Isn't that a releif? If you were a man, you would be trying to understand this complicated woman you were married to...you just have to know one little word. Sex.

Honestly, how many minutes every few days are we talking about here? You say a lot to your husband that you have all the time in the world for the kids, but not for him; he should come first in your world, because your primary relationship is with him (with out him, there would be no kids, right?)

When I opened my eyes and realized that his happiness was just as important as mine (and to me, it should be MORE important) I discovered that I liked spending that 10 or 15 minutes every couple of days making him happy. I now have everything I could ever want in a husband. He really would swim through shark infested water to buy me lemonaid.

Prostutes are doing a job, but you have a marriage bond, and intamacy is a huge part of that. It is how he shows and recives love and he wants it from you, not his hand and not a prostitute, because he loves you. Your attitude and resentment about his needs are not helping him or you, and he wants you to want him as much as he wants you. You are yanking out his insides by not wanting to having sex and if he has any idea that you think it is only a "duty." I don't know about you, but when I realized that I was hurting my husband, the love of my life, and he confirmed that I was crushing him to the bone with my rejection, I appologized, stopped stomping my feet, gave of myself, and reconnected with my husband physically as often as I could manage it and then some. Guess what? Now that he is not afraid of when the next time will be, he might even go a few days without a need. He feels loved, and so do I, and no prostitute ever gets that kind of outcome.

Isn't that why you married him?

M.

Men communicate by action, so you can tell him you love and desire him, but if you never want to have sex than it feels to him you are lying. Sex is an important part of a healthy relationship. One book that really gives great incite about this is "The Proper care and Feeding of husbands". Often us woman forget that we are still wives even after we become mothers. All he really wants is to know you still love and desire him, that he still "does it" for you, and that he is who you want. When you do say yes, even if not really in the mood, do you have a good time? Does it hurt you to show this affection and love to your husband? Do you like the way he relates to you when you are relating to him in a positive way? Than to me this is a no brainer. I used to be just like you, I thought sex should not matter to him, that he should just love me even if I act like I do not want anything to do with him, but why should he be kind and loving to me if I can not show him in the way he understands that I do truly love and desire him? I am not saying woman always have to say yes, but we should say yes more than we say no. Since I have made this small change in my thinking, and started being more open to my husbands advances, my relationship has improved so much, and he showers me with love and attention because he feels loved. And it is true what they say, the more you have sex, the more you want it, and the better it gets.

Sex is healthy. Couples that have more sex live longer and have a better relationship. Men that ejaculate at least once every couple of days have a lower chance of getting prostate cancer than men that don't.

And honestly your talking about your husband like he's a child.
Him being so grouchy tells you he's not getting it somewhere else and he's not helping himself out. It should make you feel wanted , I'd love for my husband to still be all over me after 10 yrs of marriage.

You need some couples counciling.

Read "The Five Languages of Love". You feel loved when he's helping around the house, well he feels love with sex. Everyone is different and we don't all love the same way.

You know, is funny because I just post a question like this no long ago, and after reading the answers and talk to my husband I really came to the conclucion that men have a different way to talk and get what they want.
While is very nice that your husband "wants" you so much, he is asking for it in the wrong way. (all I can think is that experiment with the mouse and the electricity and food, if you don't touch "this" you don't get the food).
I don't know if you are getting tired because you are not into (many women have post about don't feeling the desire after having kids) or you are getting tired of how he is asking for it.
Do you treat him the same way when he doesn't do "his" obligations and leave the toilet seat up for example? Maybe he is just follow your example.
If I was you I would talk to him, I will leave very clear that you are attracted to him (I am guessing you are) and that you love "doing it" but you need him to have a different approach because his makes you feel used and that feeling is never a good arouses.
About your question if all men are the same, well, how do I put this?
Some nights after the kids are in bed, my husband ask me: Do you want to do it right now? I say yes and I run for the pop corn and he puts the movie.
Sure sex is delicious but we are "movie lovers" and never get the chance to watch a whole movie with the kids awake, 3 out of 1 we end picking the movie instead of sex, lol.

I dont think he is doing it intentionally, like a "help" battery that must be charged by sex. Men tend to base their worth on how we react to them sexually. Its very simple with men, if we appreciate them they feel we are showing it when we want them and give them other positive feedback. In the same way that we feel appreciated by a "thank you","i love you" or a little help around the house. Men just have a different way of wanting to be appreciated.

its not complicated, i think we women complicate things and look for hidden meanings. Even though it may seem like an exchange of goods and services to you, its your marriage, so the exchange is innocent and very natural

It does not sound like it's just about sex (outside lookin in) It sounds like he has a need to be meet and would like for his wife to study him and know when he needs it, which it looks like you have done. Maybe you are looking at it the wrong way, ask yourself what are some of the needs that he has meet for you in your time of need and maybe that will take away some of the resentment.
Good Luck

my fiance is the opposite, he could care less about sex at least since the baby was born. it makes me feel un attractive. but all men feel different. i say talk to him. what's he going to do give you the silent treatment? he does that already. just sit him down tell him how you feel and that he should love you no matter if you have sex or not. women are around for much more than sex. he'll realize that give it time

NO. Absolutely no. That is NOT the way all men are. My husband has NEVER treated me this way. I love having sex with my husband (TMI- sorry!) but he treats me with love, respect and caring even if life has gotten away from us and it's been awhile since we were intimate.

You will get a lot of "Dr" Laura advice, but I don't believe a word of it. You don't have to manipulate a man with sex to get him to love you. He has to share in keeping your marriage alive!

Tell him that his behavior is hurtful. Tell him how you feel. Sex is great, it shouldn't feel like an obligation-----even though people will tell you that it's the only way to "hang on to your man". He has equal responsibility to help you enjoy sex.
I remember one time when I just was NOT "in the mood", my husband was being all affectionate and then asked "just not feeling it tonight?", I admitted that I wasn't but that we 'could' anyway but he said that he wouldn't enjoy sex if I wasn't enjoying it too. THAT is a good man!
Sex is more than an act......it's making LOVE. Your husband needs an attitude change.

An absolutely wonderful book is The 5 Love Languages. Also....The 5 Love Needs of Men and Women. It will help you understand him AND (what Dr. Laura forgets about) help him understand YOU.

Good luck!

ps.....to summarize my long post, NO he should not treat you like that even if he does have a high sex drive. My hubby does also, but still treats me well. That is the attitude change that I was talking about. He doesn't have to repress needing sex.....he just needs to treat you better!

hmmm, i read the responses looking for some great advice, and i'm not sure there was any or that i have any to offer either ...
Here is my thing, i Hate it when my Hubby pouts about not getting sex, when i've had the freakin flu for a week. It's not like I am CHOOSING to vomit continusly just so i can't have sex with him. If it's just the need of a release then buddy there's the shower take care of it yourself before you take me to the emergency room for dehydration. Seriously, I've gotten the grouchy, grump routine too many times, when i've been so sick that having sex with me would pretty much be like doing it with a corspe
, how is that even something they want.
And people here are saying just do it, even if you don't feel like it. well, sometimes that advice makes sense because it could put you in the mood, but it can backfire too were not only are you now a martyr but he picks up on it, knows you didn't enjoy it and gets his feelings hurt all over again.

I'm sure if it were easy you would have already told him, that the silent treatment doesn't turn you on, and it seems like he has been very clear that this is his number one need so i don't really see a compromise, but know that you aren't alone. I'm going to try thinking of myself as hubby's ojbect of desire. I'll let you know how that goes.

I've gotta agree with Anne-Marie F on this O.!
After all, if it's causing you enough "weird" feelings to ask for advice, it can't be "normal"!
Personally, it sounds like emotional, physical and psychological blackmail to me.

You are not alone and I have a feeling a lot of other mothers are going to say the same. My husband is the same way. I just don't understand why I have to initiate it all the time, if he wants it why can't he be the one loving all on me, why do I have to make the first move. I'm sure you feel the same way.

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