Hi Moms!
I am seeking some much needed advice! To make a long story short: My twin brother has been with "Bonnie" for roughly around 12 yrs now. They have been married 3 yrs and have a 4 yr old boy together. My brother has cheating on Bonnie off and on during their relationship for the last 3 yrs or so with a co-worker (who is also now pregnant with my brithers child). Bonnie has been depressed and therefore hasn't given her son the care and attention he needs (example: He is 4 yrs old and barely has a 5 word vocabulary, doesn't go to bed til midnight or so, etc.). My brother is usually working and then doesn't come home because he is out with the other woman. He acts as is he could care less about the well-being of his son. Bonnie doesn't have any family where they live and my family doesn't want to get involved. She has no one to help her. The other night my brother actually had the nerve to bring home this other woman while Bonnie and their son was home. It turned into a huge altercation (almost phsyical) where my nephew was in the middle witnessing everything!(apparently this isn't the first time he has witnessed these type of actions). I'm out-raged to the point where I want my nephew to come to Minnesota and stay with me for awhile where he won't have to be put in those type of situations. I also want him here so I can give him the attention he needs to learn and grow properly. I think it's best for Bonnie to take the time she needs to be alone and figure out her life without my brother(they are seperating). My problem is convincing her that this is the best situation (for my nephew to stay with me awhile). I'm not sure she will be willing due to the fact I offered to take him before and she tought it would be a burden on me. I'm not super close to Bonnie or my brother, but I want to help. What can I say to Bonnie to convince her to let her son stay with me?
If you really want to help the child, help the mother. You don't seem to want to have Bonnie around but perhaps you could consider having Bonnie and her son move in with you until she can get on her feet and properly care for her child. If that doesn't happen then at least you are there to help the kid.
Are you willing to have Bonnie stay with you as well? This kid has been through so much, but unless she is drinking heavily or using drugs, I'd hate to see your nephew completely separated from both his parents. Perhaps with the right support Bonnie can become a better parent to her own child. I realize that's asking a lot, but consider all your options.
Do you have children? You basically asked her to just hand her "baby" over to you and your not even close to her. Do you think that helped the situation? It may have made her feel worse and more withdrawn. Maybe you should ask her to move closer to you so you can help with her son. That way you can help keep and eye on him. Hopefully she can get the help she needs. I am sure she loves her son, but is not thinking right. I am sorry to say this but your brother is a pig. How could he think so little of his son to bring another woman to his home who is pregnant and not care. If he doesn't show his wife respect that is bad enough but to do that to your child isn't great either. If you are so concerned for your nephew maybe you should place a call to protective services. They may be able to give him help too.
There is only one thing you can truely do for that child and that is not take him away from the only parent he has left. I know you said you don't get along with Bonnie but if you want to help your nephew think of him put them both up for awhile so Bonnie can get on her feet and make a life close to you where you can help with the child while she gets her life together for the both of them. It seems like Bonnie deserves a chance to bring up that child it's you brother who is the bad example. Hope this helps.
I'd just sit down and talk to her, let her know that you are there for her and your nephew, whatever they may need. Offer to take your nephew for a few days or something like that, at first, so that she knows you want to take him out of the situation. If talking doesn't work after a few tries, I would definitely suggest getting DHS involved and tell them that you'll take the boy. They prefer to place children with family if they can find someone willing to take them.
Call child services, it might be the worst feeling of betryal. But , your nephew needs to be in an enviroment he feels safe in. It might not be your home, but still knowing he is safe. The other thing is don't think your relationship will get better with either Bonnie or your brother. It will only get worst. You are not the hero but the villian. Prepared yourself emotionaly, phyiscally and have a strong support system. Seek 1st for the support for these, then seek the help your nephew needs. Your support team and help you with Bonnie and your brother. If you take your nephew in know that you can not change the past only alter the future of all.
I do not believe that your offer is actually the best idea for your nephew. You SIL and nephew need professional help, family counseling and parent coaching would probably be best. My guess is that this child has probably gone through some sort of parental neglect for quite some time and removing him from both parents might do more harm than good.
In my opinion the right thing would be to offer to help your SIL and your nephew. If you can support them, help them move out, help her find a job and childcare (or offer to care for him only while she works) and get a hooked up with resources that help her overcome her depression and increase her parenting skills. That would be an honest and compassionate offer of real support.
You can involve child services, but unless they determine that for some reason you nephew is in danger, they probably won't do anything. Be aware that if they remove him from his parents, he may wind up in foster care instead of your home(especially if you live in a different state!)... you will have to judge for yourself if you think that that would be really better than his current situation. For most children foster care does not end well.
There is nothing you can say to convince a woman that sending her child to be with someone else would be better than being with her. He is her child, and she doesn't want to be separated from him. If you are truely concerned, have a serious conversation with your brother and see what he thinks. If that's a dead-end, you can also contact DCFS...making sure that they know that you are willing to take the child in if it comes to that. Bonnie may be depressed now, but if she separates from your brother, that may change. If you aren't close with either of them, how do you know what is happening, or much about the child's development? If you are getting this second hand, I would suggest strongly that you have the person telling you this document the situation and contact DCFS themselves. Accusations based on second hand information are not a good thing for anyone, including the person making the accusation. This doesn't sound like a good situation for the child....or the mother....but you need to realize that taking her child from her may actually make things worse. Try to get her the help she needs from DCFS before trying to take her child.
id get child protection involved-let them deal with it-its obvious that your brother has no concern for either one of them-how sad-i went thru something close to this with one of my brothers-well she took the baby an split-havent seen or heard from her in 12 yrs-ive tried everything-plus this is my only god child-i look at their picture everyday-i miss them both terribly-do it the legal way-good luck
Have you thought about having Bonnie and your nephew move in with you temporaily? It sounds like she needs to learn structure and parenting. If she is able to stay with you for a few months, find a decent job and learn good parenting techniques she would be on her way to a decent life. She also needs counseling to understand why she is willing to live with a man who cheats on her and emotionally abuses her.
This is a tough situation to be in but honestly you need to stay out of it unless she seeks your help. You can offer but please don't pressure this could cause major issue's in your relationship with your nephew. Could you bring both Bonnie and your nephew home with you so that you can show her a different way of life? There may also be underlying issues that you are not aware of as to why your nephew is slow on his vocabulary. If the child is really be abused you need to contact social services and then tell them that you are available to foster care the child since you are a direct relation. Just becareful of your choices.
When it comes to this, I tend to agree with those that feel this is a package deal- the nephew comes with his Mother. You would need to take them both or go there to help her(since it sounds like she is out of state). If you don't want to do those things, call CPS and get the professionals to handle it.
I would do my best to convince her that maybe this is some time that she may have a few choices of what to do now....
1. Concentrate on what she has left in life and make a better effort to do what she needs to do by her son.
2. If she can't or won't do that then tell her that you would understand if she needed to have some time to figure things out and that while she is doing this you would be more than happy to help her out (whether that be with her or with only your nephew is up to her).
3. If she refuses your help and will not improve her son's life then call CPS. I have had to do that one time when there was nothing else to do and just the first visit helped them realize that they needed help. Maybe at that point she would be more willing to shape up ... or ship him out to you.
Also I personally think your brother needs a swift kick in the butt. I am sure you probably agree but figured I would put my two cents in there. He is just as responsible for him as she is and he is just leaving him to whatever happens to him (that's what it sounds like). That's awful and I can't imagine how your SIL feels or how his son feels about all this.
Good Luck!
