Some Fostering Advice

I havent fostered, and maybe thats why no one responded, honestly I didnt even see the original post..I'm sorry.
What kind of advice do you need? We have friends who foster, I can ask them if you like?

C.

hey, I work for family stress senter... part of child adn family services.. I know I have a lot of material, as well as links for support classes and stuff like that... I work tomorrow and will see what I can find and email you back.

Hi L.,
Sorry to hear of all the confusion. I don't have any personal advice to offer, but I am very close to my cousin who has fostered 2 children.

It is difficult at times, but very rewarding. The little girl is a little older (already in school) the and boy is almost 3. The boy came at 15 months old and did not know any stability. We think he has been foster most of his life. He is very attached to his new parents and would be devistated if he was ever removed. The little girl, well she thinks her mother is coming back and is in denial for fact that her mother has a problem. In her confusion, she would love to go back to her mother even though she has two parents a baby sister and plenty of extended family who all love her very much.

Be ready for a ride, I won't lie. The system is very crowded and they set dates that cannot be met ~ atleast here in Nevada. The mother has already run out of time to clean up and get it together, however, the system has not done everything necessary so that the adoption can go through.

I would say as far as discipline, you will just need to keep the communication link open, explain the rules and be persistant. It will be a rough start, but should begin to mellow out after a few months.
As for the speech and education, my nephew went through that too. His mother had her problem and did not take care of him while dad was at work. I noticed that his speech was horrible and he babbled like a baby at age 4. If you called their house and asked for her, he would tell you, "Mom sleep". I believe he sat in front of the TV all day and night because now that he is 11 he has to have the TV running 24/7. His mother left when he was 6 and he went through some special classes and he has good grades and good speech now. Also, there are plenty of programs through foster care which your niece will be eligible for. My niece and nephew (fostered) receive help with a tutor and speech therapist.

I would say your biggest struggle will be doing all that work and then having the threat that the mother can come back and make a mess again. With all hopes, if that should happen, she would stay clean and provide a good life for your niece. Stay strong, you are doing a good thing.

Hi L.,

I have 3 nices, my brothers children. Also 4 boys of my own. The girls had NO structure in the normal realm. I just gave them a schedlue and some very strong boundaries. I have all of them now and its been almost 3 years. I found that all they needed was to be loved and guided. You are very lucky, your niece is very young, you can shape her and her future with understanding and family structure. Do a lot of praying and have faith that if you are helping your family in such a big way you will be blessed and please call me if you ever want to chat or need to talk. email me for my phone # at ____@____.com
I wish you the best, God Bless.
C.

I lived with my Mother in law for a few monthes when I was pregnant with my son. She does foster care and has done it for about 6 years. At the time she had a set of brothers that were 2 and 5. They were the sweetest boys. I think what you need to do is just treat your neice like one of your own children. You don't want to treat her any different or she will- A)use it against you. Meaning you don't like her like you do the other kids,or B) use it to her advantage. She will think she can get over on you and do things she shouldn't be. What she needs is plenty of love and support from you. I don't know if I helped any,but good luck.

Although I have never fostered a child myself, my aunt and uncle have fostered 3 children, who are now adults. From what I have learned from their experience, the most important part about being a foster parent is consistancy. Children desire to feel as though they belong and are an important part of the family.Unfortunately, children often times are shuffled about in different homes, never truly being able to set down roots. My aunt and uncle, even though they never offically adopted their foster children, keep close contact with them and remind them that they are their family. Being that your neice is three, I would expect a transition period of questioning and testing. This of course is normal as she tries to figure out her place in her new family unit. The only advice I can give is to be patient during this transition, and reassure her that she is loved and is in a safe space.

Hi L. ~

I don't have any experience first hand, but I do think what you are doing is very important to this child, and she will be forever grateful! Keep your faith and knowing that the Lord will heal her in time and give you the strength to love and adore her. I know all will fall into place.

Take Care...

dear L. R,
I grew up in foster care. My advice to you is start of with structure. Show the boundries right away (meaning Rules). She will try to walk right over you. Transition is hard and kids need time to get used to the change. Remember I don't know if she has moved from home to home but she is going to need time to transition from their rules to yours. Good luck... M. Petersen

L.:

I was a foster child as a kid and my mother (later) took in a cousin of mine who was taken away from her parents.

My advise to you is realize that this child, even at 3, already has an impression that nothing is secure and possibly that adults only let you down. I would do everything you can to make her feel comfortable, secure and view your place as home. Before she comes, try and get her area together and possibly make a name tag for her, help her put away her things (get her involved in this) really soon after she gets there and when you go out, tell her "we will be going home soon", etc. so that she gets comfortable with the idea.

I would also advise that if you do not plan on doing whatever it takes for her, as you would a child of your own, then you shouldn't go through with the process.

When she comes to your home, treat her as an equal to your children - no better, no worse. Make sure you start with discipline because it reinforces structure and love.

Good luck!!!!!!

Dear L.,

Well, you have a vulnerable little person who has not had a lot of bonding and loving experiences in her young life and is coming into your home. The first thing you need to do is to get to know her and she needs to become trustful of you. You are the one that can do this, she is totally dependent upon that. Bonding and being trustworthy cannot be done from adult height to a short little 3 year old. You have to be eye to eye, let her sit in your lap, and involve her with what you are doing. Give lots of hugs and kisses, and be patient when she breaks the rules, if she has not had much structure, then you have to provide the structure and make it loving and not punishing. How about some soft singing, and kids songs on the DVD, is that what you call it? Kids songs are really cute and reassuring to children. "Love you in the morning and in the afternoon" is an especially good one. Sing with her. Keep your voice loving and ask the other children to be close to her too. Closeness and love and guess what. You will forget that you are 'fostering'. Lay down with her just a little while before she goes to sleep, and just talk and make 'plans' for tomorrow. Then tell her that you need to go and 'do the dishes' or something.
Tell her to call you if she needs you. They love that, and rarely do call.
Sincerely, C. N.

Hi L.,
You've already got tons of great advice - boundaries, consistency, love...all VERY important. I work with families who are in the same position as you - fostering a family member. There are some good "kinship" support groups so you can share experiences with others in your situation - your niece's social worker should be able to help you with that or google it. Kinship is what it's called when you're related to the foster child. Even if counseling is not mandated, you might want to consider it for your niece - either for her alone or for the two of you together. She may not be able to remember the trauma that she's been through but that actually makes it harder to deal with. Her body remembers it, subconsciously she remembers it and through her actions, she will be trying to make sense of it all. She will test boundaries because she will want to know that you're really there for her. Things may go in cycles too - they'll seem fine and then she'll act out, then they'll be fine again and so on. You are taking on a huge challenge but you're giving a child a chance at a healthy life, which will help make her a healthy adult.

There is also a program through DCFS in LA county (and elsewhere) called Family Preservation. The social worker can refer you to it if you're eligible. It provides an in-home counselor once a week - the counselor comes to your home and works on smoothing out the transition with your family. It will also pay for individual or conjoint counseling, or whatever else might be necessary. You can ask about it or feel free to email me for some more information.

Good luck! You're doing an amazing thing.

L. ~ I have no experience with fostering; however, I do know that it only takes one person to dramatically change the life of another. If your family gets to foster your niece, I think that's amazing. It will definitely change your life as you and your family know it. It will not be easy. What you have to decide is will it be worth it. For your niece, it will. How does your husband feel? Are you both ready and willing to make the commitment to your niece? Drug addicted parents don't always change just because they lose custody of their children. Are you willing to take on the responsibility of your niece after the six month period? You need to think this through long and hard. What if the mother gets it together and the Court gives the little girl back to the mom and then she relapses, will you take your niece back? Once your niece is used to you and your family and the structure you provide, it may be difficult for you and your husband and your family to send her back to her mother, will you be able to do that? Will it be best for the little girl to be put back in that situation after having seen "the good life". I would think and talk about this alot with my husband and other family members who are willing to help you out. You can make a substantial difference in this little girl's life and I commend you for it. I wish you the best of luck and I assume you will be posting a lot of messages here. I will do my best to respond when I see them. My thoughts and prayers are with you and your family.
L.

L.,

Well I have never fostered children before, but I have tutor one high schooler and I have taken a class on it when I was in college. It definatly will be difficult, from any age, esp. if she has no structure. I have taken several classes on parenting and have learned a lot (through school, personal experience, and church). Children need and crave discipline and structure. I know sometimes it is very difficult because of past situations that they have been in. If you can give her a loving home that she needs, while trying to adjust to teaching her, then I think you can do it. I don't know her past and if anything bad happened, but she could have a hard time with it.

I do have a friend at church who has adopted several foster children through the years and she also is a foster care temp. for the city, so I can see if she would not mind letting give her your your number or giving her number to you and you could talk to her. Just let me know if you want this.

Sincerely,
B.

HaY L... Sorry I didn't answer the first time.. I must have not read my email that day :( I have taken care of several other peoples children for long periods of time (My oldest son is adopted, He's 13.. and I had my niece for about a year when she was a baby to name a few.. I think the only advice to give you is.. Try to love them as if they were your own and be patient!! Most children that are in a foster situation are there because something went wrong in their lives. At times their extra needed atention and behavior problems can be frusterating. I hope that I have been of some help to you and please drop me a line if there is anything else I can do :) Good luck! and THank you for helping the little ones that need it the most!! Tiff

Hi L.- I am a foster parent. I have been fostering a little boy for 1 1/2 years now. It is a very rewarding experience. Although it can be very difficult at times. Please feel free to email me with any questions that you may have. How long has your niece been in foster care? We plan on adopting our little guy. Best wishes to you and I look forward to talking to you. V.

Not sure exactly what you're asking. We fostered my little cousins. Just treat her like one of your own. The 3-year-olds should be able to do a lot together and keep each other company.

L.,
I'm sorry to hear about your nieces situation. It's so sad when kids are negleted and/or abused becasue they have selfish parents. I have never fostered so I can't really give you any first hand advice, I'd just say be PATIENT with her. I'm sure she's confused by being pulled around from place to place in the last few weeks. What she needs is the stability of a loving home. I'm sure she'll try to test the boundries so you just have to be firm (but loving) with her so that she understands what you say goes. Maybe you could find a play group or preschool a couple of days a week to take her (and maybe even your oldest son) to so she starts getting used to a bit more structure.
I went back and read your earlier post too, and I have a question for you, if mom doesn't get it together and the judge does put her up for adoption, would you and your husband plan on keeping her permanently or would she be placed elsewhere?
Best wishes and I'll keep you guys in my prayers.

I have never been a foster Parent but structure and LOVE sound about right for a three year old.

L.,

I have adopted my nephew at 2 he is now 11, and his half brother was taken 2 yrs ago and is now 7. I have 2 different issues the oldest one had attachment issues he was left places and woke up not knowing where he was so when I got him he followed me everywhere, til this day he is very close not clingy but very cautious. My other one we have through CPS now was severely physically and mentally abused so he has major issues we actually just had them take him and get help he does come home for the weekends. We are planning on adopting him but he has alot of work before we commit to that. If you have any questions of how the system works or advice I am willing to tell you more. I have experience with Marin and San Francisco CPS for which those are the counties each of them were taken from. You may email me anytime ____@____.com